Monday, July 3, 2006

Today

My sister constantly amazes me with her wisdom.  Some of the simplest things she has ever said to me are most often the deepest and most profound.  

It’s no secret to anyone in my life, or to anyone who frequents this blog, that love has eluded me.  Ok, maybe not.  I have just made bad choices in the past, really bad choices.  I want to say that I’ve taken stock of my life, learned a few lessons, figured out the patterns.  I hope that’s true, but only time will tell.

She has told me things that I have held on to… things like ‘It is what it is. Nothing more, nothing less.’  To just accept all that he is, and don’t look for more, to accept all that I am and nothing more, and to accept all that we are together.  She has taught me to just be in the moment, and to not go looking for tomorrow or next week, or next year, just be right here, right now and be completely in the moment.  

BK and I have been together now a little over 2 weeks and it’s been wonderful.  I had my doubts at first, but he’s been wonderful, understanding my reservations and just being himself and the doubts have just disappeared.  I was worried for a while that our past would haunt me.  Not so much the mistakes we’ve made, but the reminders or memories of the people from our past.  When I realized the ‘ghosts’ from our past only existed in my head I could let them go and let myself enjoy the here and now, and enjoy just being with him.

He is so different from anyone I’ve ever loved.  I could go on and list all the wonderful things I love about him, the things that totally blow me away, but I don’t want to bore you.  Ok, well, maybe just a few.  He actually helps do the dishes, he helps cook dinner, he helps do the laundry.  He decided one night to take all of us to see a movie.  

But no matter how wonderful it is right now, and it’s supposed to be wonderful right now, it’s still new and exciting. The true test will come when the new wears off and this becomes real, and life sets in and the honeymoon’s over.  The test will come when the kids stop being ‘friends’ and start being ‘brothers and sisters’ and the fighting and arguing start.  The test will come when the kids start ‘marking territory’ (and we all know that will happen.)

He’s looking for a house to move into (he’s in a tiny duplex right now) and we were talking yesterday, we have 3 kids who right now really need their own room, with 1 more right on their tail.  Even though moving in together hasn’t been discussed, we are both pretty aware it’s a very real possibility in the future. We’re realistic, and we know there is no way we can afford a 6 bedroom house. But we know that is something we are going to have to find a way around somehow.  

Blended families are challenge enough, a ‘large’ blended family with teenagers is even more of a challenge.  And yet, we’re perfect together, all 7 of us, so we’ll have to find a way to make it work.  We know that we have visitation schedules to juggle and school schedules and work schedules to juggle.  None of this is going to come easy, and yet, we feel sure we can handle it.

It is what it is, nothing more, nothing less.  I may have found what I’ve always dreamed and hoped but never believed I’d find.  I never expected to find this here, with him, but here it is.  For today.

1 comment:

Melissa Mullinax said...

Oh, man......I'm wishing you so many good thoughts. Just breathe.