Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Things that make me smile

I have had more than my fair share of tears this week. I have been spending way too much time and energy focused on all that is wrong in my life. Isn’t it time to focus on some good things in my life?

Things that make me smile


  • My girls understand that sometimes it takes nothing more than a simple cup of coffee to bring tears to the surface, and they are always there with open arms and loving hugs.
  • Tomorrow is November. I love this time of year, I love the cool crisp air, the colored leaves on the trees, burning candles that smell of pumpkin or cider, curling up on the couch under a warm blanket with a good book.
  • I have packed away a lot of my summer tank tops, and shorts and skirts and I dug out my sweaters, sweatshirts and sweatpants this weekend. I love nothing more than a big warm sweater and a cute pair of jeans.
  • I love jean jackets and I love leather jackets.
  • I look at Newt, who turned 7 this year, and am completely amazed that it’s been 7 years since I brought that bundle of joy home from the hospital. He may have been a complete and total surprise, but she has become the light and joy of my life. I am proud of her beyond words. She is independent and strong and smart and funny and cute. Everything I wish I could be.
  • Knowing that even though my life is about to become very complicated and difficult, I have my mother firmly in my corner, offering up prayers and good thoughts for me, for this legal battle, even for me and Batman, every single day. She gets how much he matters to me, and she tells me she’s praying for us, and that she hopes we work it out.
  • My sister, who knows all that is good and bad and ugly about me, and while she doesn’t always agree with me, and doesn’t always like me, she does always love me. She offers to listen when I need to talk, and she really listens. She offers her opinion, sometimes. I have yet to ask her what she thinks of Batman, but it was enough for now to know that she thinks he’s ‘alright’. She keeps her lectures to a bare minimum. She’s always honest, and always tells me where she stands. She is my true north, and I love her.
  • My life could be so much worse than it is right now. I can handle what is on my plate for the time being. And I know that when the time comes that I need to handle more, when it becomes more dramatic, when it becomes more hectic, then I will find the strength I need within myself and handle my life then too.

Happy Halloween?

This morning was my court date, for the 3 orders of protection against C2 (forever to be known as ‘The Slug’). It went exactly as expected. The judge didn’t go right down the docket (alphabetical order) oh no, he went by groups. As in, groups where the respondent has not been served. Groups where the respondent will consent to the order of protection. Consenting to it means there will not be a judgment ordered against the person. They don’t have to agree with the charges in the order, but they consent to avoid all contact.

Lucky for me, he consented to the order, and agreed there would be absolutely no contact between us. He of course, wanted to get an order of protection against me, but the judge told him there was no reason. He wasn’t allowed to have contact with me, not talk to me, whatever. So if I called, he didn’t have to answer the phone. The judge did suggest that any matters pertaining to the girls be handled through written mediums so that there could never be any dispute as to what was said.

The orders of protection for the girls were, of course, dismissed. But we (my lawyer and I) agreed to that, because we are filing the motion to modify this week. The judge told him ‘You need to leave here, run to a lawyer’s office and get you a lawyer, like yesterday. You need a lawyer in the worst possible way. Like yesterday.’

It went exactly as expected, and now he knows there is a motion to modify coming down the line. The plan to move closer to St. Louis has been put on hold. Originally I wanted to be there by December 1st, but that is not going to happen. The plans have been put on hold indefinitely.

Yesterday I renewed my lease on my apartment. I had the option to sign a 12 month lease, a 6 month lease, and a month-to-month lease. I decided to go with the month-to-month, so that if this whole thing gets settled in less than 6 months, I can move as soon as possible.

I went to the sitter this morning and asked her if I could change my pay dates. I had been paying her every two weeks, but now that I’m not getting child support from The Slug, I am living pay check to pay check, and well, paying the sitter every week, out of every paycheck, leaves me a little more breathing room, to pay bills and to live on. Thank god, she agreed to that.

Things are falling into place, rather nicely. Now it’s just a matter of getting things in gear, and start the motion because it’s going to escalate really quickly. Now the fun begins.

I have nothing new to add about Batman. Things are still pretty much the same. We still talk, he still doesn’t say “I love you” but we still talk. I’ll take what I can get. Last week, I asked him “If I give you the space you want this week, will I be able to come back and see you next week?” (meaning this week, specifically tomorrow) His answer was “That’s the plan.” But obviously things have changed, other things have happened, and now I’m not sure I will be going to see him tomorrow. I have resigned myself to not going tomorrow, but I am going to fight for the weekend. I am leaving tomorrow up to him. I’m not going to mention it, I’m not going to ask. Let him mention it to me, if he does mention it at all. More wait and see.

Happy Halloween to all you Trick-or-Treaters tonight. Be safe, have fun. There will be pictures tomorrow of my kiddos. Tate is going as a football cheerleader. Newt will be a basketball player, and Bo will be

Monday, October 30, 2006

Progress Report

There is hope. I won’t go into a lot of great, boring details. Suffice it to say he still calls when he says he will, he sounds more relaxed, less stressed. He hasn’t walked away.

Because there is still hope, and because our last few phone calls have been less stressful and more relaxed, (although we deliberately avoid talking about the Pink Elephant that is sitting between us), I feel less desperate, less overwhelmed.

I got through my worst day of the week yesterday. Yes, the tears were at times just under the surface, threatening to spill. But I got through it.

The two ‘best friends’ demons that have been hanging around, are slithering away, losing their power over me. They are not nearly as enticing, their promises ring hollow to me. I am finding strength in myself, and finding that I don’t need them, or want them around, like I thought.

We are nowhere through the woods. I can accept not being able to see him this Wednesday night, but I still panic at the thought of having to stay away next weekend. Especially without my children to distract me and keep me busy. I am praying things change significantly by Friday that I can spend the weekend there with him.

One day at a time. My mother tells me ‘Remember in the dark what you have learned in the light.’ And I cling to that. I tackle what I can handle, and nothing more. One day at a time. I talked to him this morning. I know I will talk to him later today, (not sure exactly when), and for now, that’s enough. Maybe tonight, after he’s home, after dinner, we can talk more. I’ll just play it by ear, and see what happens.

Anonymous Comments

Someone in my town left an anonymous comment on my blog this weekend.  I don’t mind comments left by people I don’t know, that just means someone else besides family and friends is reading my blog.  If I didn’t want it read, I wouldn’t put it out there.  No big deal.

What gets to me is, if you feel your opinion is important enough to voice it, and you think I’m going to give a good god damn about what you think about my blog, then at least own up to it and sign your name.  Anonymous opinions hold very little weight with me.  If you can’t claim it, and can’t own it, then don’t bother.  Does it matter if I know you or not? No.  At least have the courage and conviction to own your opinion.  Otherwise, keep them to yourself.

I could go on to respond to what was said here, but you know, if they don’t feel strong enough about what they said to put their name behind it, then I figure they really don’t care whether I respond or not.  I will say this.  Thanks to the constitution, I have the right to say what I want, and post what I want on my blog.  You also have the right to never come back here if you don’t like what you read. It’s called freedom of choice.  I’m not going to change a damn thing about my life just because of something they said.  I am not looking for sympathy or pity on my blog. I am simply venting, writing, purging, whatever. My blog is more for my benefit than any one else’s.

I can say this much, I have already at this point, in this post, wasted way too much of my time and energy writing about this person, and defending something I do that does not require a defense.  Simply put, if you don’t like what I post on my blog, then don’t come back. It won’t bother me one bit.  

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Getting through

So many songs we have listened to, sung to, in his car, where he reaches for my hand, gives it a squeeze, smiles at me. Now, to hear them, settles the weight on my heart again, making it harder to breathe. I cling so tightly to every little thing I have that is his, that brings him closer to me, that reminds me of him, that brings back memories of happy times. Hoping, praying, believing we will some how make it through this, but knowing right now, we are not ok, we are not solid, we are not fine. I am still standing on the edge with the solid ground I stood on crumbling away from under me. Will it stop before I fall? It will stop before I am lost?

Tears are always just under the surface, and I fight all day to keep them at bay. Some times it is so easy to do, and at other times, they fall unbridled. I am so, so incredibly sorry. I know that I screwed up, I know that I made a huge terrible mistake. There is no way he can possibly hate what I did more than I do. I know that this is squarely in his hands now, it is up to him, our future, our life is literally in his hands right now.

Every day is a struggle. Some things are easy to breeze through, other things feel insurmountable. Some times out of the blue I break down and cry, but only for a short while. My mind seems to be obsessed with thoughts of him, always wondering what he's doing, does he think of me, and miss me as much as I miss him? Everything I do is full of thoughts of him. It makes it hard to get through a day, but I don't know how to stop the constant thoughts of him.

I am hopeful, after last night, I am hopeful. Every day we talk, every day he doesn't leave, every day he doesn't end it all, is a good day and gives me more hope. There is hope. For whatever reason, I believe in us, and I know that we are worth fighting for. I hope, think, he believes that too.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Holding on to hope until there is absolutely none

I sat the kids down today and explained as simply as I could what was going on. They have a right to know what is going on, but they don’t need the details. I just explained that I did something that I shouldn’t have done, and B got mad about it. I know what I did was wrong, and then I made it worse and lied about it. I know that was wrong too, I know it was stupid, and I have told him I am sorry. He needs some time to think about things and decide what he wants to do about it. I told them, as of right now, B and I did not break up. He’s trying very hard to get past all of this so we don’t break up. He just needs some time to think. I told them, I think he loves me enough that he’s working hard to find it in his heart to forgive me, and give me another chance. He loves me enough that he’s not walking away right off the bat. He’s at least willing to try to work this out. The ultimate irony is, now that Batman and I are having trouble and our future is in doubt, my kids finally pipe up and declare, "We don’t want you and B to break up. We love him. We hoped you guys would get married."

It’s hard letting him be, giving him space. But I know that the longer I can leave him alone, and the less I bother him, the further that goes to prove to him that I can be trusted, and I will keep my word. I know that right now, it’s small steps, but small are better than none. He did tell me he would call me today sometime, and I am purposely working myself half to death so that I don’t pick up the phone and call him.

I have to hold on to hope that he believes in us too. I have to hope that love will be strong enough to convince him to give me a second chance. It seems apparent right now, anyway, that love has kept him from walking away, chucking it all straight out. It’s kept him here, and kept him trying to work around this. I have to cling to hope until there is absolutely none. He has said he doesn’t want this to end, he doesn’t want to walk away, but he’s having a hard time with this. And believe me, I can understand that. He actually said to me today, "If you want this to work at all, then you have to give me some time and space to get past this." That tells me right there, that he’s willing, he wants this to work too, and he’s telling me what he needs to do that. There is hope in that.

So, I surround it, claim it, and offer it up to whatever higher power is out there controlling my life. It truly is out of my hands, and that kills me, but I know that the best thing I can do is trust him, and let him work this out in his own way, in his own time. I have spent today on my knees alternately bawling like a baby, hopeless, empty, desperate, and praying to whomever is out there listening, please, please, please, let him listen to his heart and the love that I know is still there. Please let him know that I love him and I am sorry, and I swear it will never happen again. Please let our love be strong enough to weather this storm and pull us through.

I am not so na├»ve to think that we could come through this unchanged. We will be profoundly changed. The trust that is earned now will be greater, and stronger and surer, if we get to that point. I know that this is out of my hands now, all I can do is pray, hope, wait and see. I love him, I love him more than I’ve loved anyone before. I knew from the beginning this was the man I was born to love. Don’t ask me why I did something as stupid as this, I don’t have answers. I do, they are lame. I screwed up, bigger than sh*t, I screwed up. Now, I have to be adult about it and accept whatever repercussions there are to my actions. I hope beyond words, pray without ceasing that there is enough love there, and he loves me enough to not want to throw us away. Right now, he does. Let that love continue to grow and let him find a way to at least talk more, and work this out.

Standing on the precipice.

I cling desperately to the fact that he hasn't said 'We're through' yet. But it's teetering on the precipice. The past 24 hours has proved that.

He didn't call on his way home yesterday, but I guess I didn't really expect him to. He did say he would call me sometime last night. I talked to him on our way to school for the Fall Festival that Tate had to work at. He said he would call me later that night. He has always called when he said he would. I had to trust him.

He didn't call.

He wouldn't answer his phone.

Finally he called, at 9:15 this morning. Another 'We need to talk' phone conversation. I knew what was coming. He said, "We need to talk, but not with your kids around." Oh, no, let's do it now. 'It's over, isn't it?'

I'm having a hard time getting past this.

I understand that. I am sorry. It won't happen again. I can promise you that.

It's going to take time. I'm trying really hard to not just throw it all away but I'm having a hard time.

I made a mistake, people make mistakes. I am asking for a chance to prove to you, to earn your trust again. I know I messed up, I know it's huge. I'm sorry.

I just need some time to get through this. Can you give me that time?

I'll do whatever it takes to prove to you.


So, now, he needs time. Fine I'll do what I can, and suffer alone, and give him the time he needs. It will drive me insane, always wondering, never really knowing, but for now, time is all I have. At least right now, we're still together, but barely. It hasn't been called off just yet, but he needs time. Now, more than ever, I have to trust him. I have to prove to him that I can trust him and he can trust me. I have to give him the space he needs, and trust that there isn't someone else, that he's not running, he's just breathing, just thinking.

I pray he's remembering too. I pray that somewhere in all of this hurt and confusion and pain and anger, he can remember the love and the laughter and our hopes and dreams. I hope that in all of this, the greatest is love. Love right now, is what is keeping me from being kicked to the curb. And believe me, I'm teetering on the precipice about to fall into great abyss.

I know that if we don't make it through this, I will never love any one else again. Batman was it for me. He is my soulmate, he is the love of my life. Yes, I screwed it up. I learned my lesson, the hard way. I swear it will never happen again. I hold on desperately to the fact that he's trying really hard to not walk away, to work through this. That tells me there is love there, and it's not gone. Please, let love grow. Let the love come through, let the love win out. Let him know I'm sorry, and I swear it will never happen again. Let him find a way back to love, and find a way to give me a chance to prove to him.

Friday, October 27, 2006

I screwed up, will love be enough to find forgiveness?

I did something terribly stupid this weekend, and then I did something worse, compounding it. That made the situation a lot worse than it had to be. What I did doesn’t really matter, it’s between me and B. Suffice it to say our biggest issue (trust) has been violated to a degree (as if degrees really matter, violated is violated.) and it’s caused some serious doubts and damage to our relationship.

Last night, when it was all coming out, and I was making a bad situation worse, I was panicked. I was scared, terrified. I couldn’t bring myself to make it right or stop the damage. I let all my fears control me, and I didn’t think. There is no excuse for what I did, this weekend or last night. There really is no explanation either. I was caught red handed, he had the proof, all I had to do was say “Yes”, but all my heart could scream was “NO”.

Finally this morning, in a voice mail no less (yes, I’m a chicken shit, but at least I could get it all out w/o interruptions) I told him, “There’s no reason to deny it any more, it doesn’t matter. There is no excuse, and I can’t really begin to tell you why, because I don’t know why really.” There was more to it than that, but really, it doesn’t matter. I admitted my part, I admitted there was no excuse, and I have apologized as much as I can.

We have talked some this morning. I have agreed to give him space and time to think this through. In the course of talking this morning, I found out more of why he felt he needed some time alone this week too. Up until this morning I felt it was all me, but come to find out it was a lot more than just me. And now that I know what I know, it’s easier to let go and leave him be.

He is my home, he is my safe harbor, he is my rock. He grounds me, he calms me, he keeps me level headed. When I react from my gut, full of emotion, he is the logic and the calm. Unfortunately, this time, I reacted from my gut, I didn’t think, I panicked, and my rock, my calm, couldn’t calm me.

This morning, after getting to work, I had a conversation with my sister. She read this blog, and sent her support and opened the door to talk. And I gladly walked through. In the course of the conversation, I admitted a dark secret to her, that I had barely admitted to myself. My coping mechanisms are coming back, my ‘bad’ coping mechanisms. There is a new ‘best friend/worst enemy’ hanging around. And true to my sister, she offered an ear, she told me her thoughts, voiced her concerns, shared her stories, kept the lecture to a bare minimum and listened. I am not ready to give up the power and the comfort and the pleasure I get from the ‘friends’ even though my mind screams to walk away from them. Right now they offer things I can’t get elsewhere. Right now they bring strength, power and sweet release. Right now they offer answers to feelings I can’t cope with.

After all of this upheaval and drama of my own creating this morning, with B and with Sis, I have found a strange and eerie sense of calm and peace. Maybe it’s finally admitting the truth to B this morning, and finally admitting how terrified I am and all of my fears about us, about him, about my future, about our future. Maybe it’s finally putting a voice and naming my secret demon, and admitting it to my sister too, I have finally found a little bit of freedom. I find that I’m not scared or panicked about him leaving. I seem to have hope and believe (rightly or wrongly) that when he calms down, and gets past the mad, and thinks, his heart will kick in and love will be enough to at least grant me a second chance. I know this is a huge mistake, and it will take a long long time for him to get past it and trust and believe me again. I’m willing to wait and do whatever it takes, even if that means going away, walking away for a while. At this point, I’ve admitted it, I’ve tried to explain, and I’ve apologized. . I can hope and pray he listens to his heart, even though it’s hurt right now, there’s still love there. He didn’t storm off, he didn’t run, he didn’t tell me to F@#K off, he didn’t bail. He’s still around, he still calls, and we still talk. He just can’t tell me he loves me. I can understand that. It’s up to him now. All I can do is wait and see what he decides

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Preparing

Even though he claims to still love me, and that nothing has changed, and that we haven’t broken up, and his feelings haven’t changed, I am bracing for just the opposite. I hope and pray we weather this, and things come out ok, and lord knows I’m willing to work towards that goal. I am just wrapping my head around being single again, just in case. It kills me to think this is how it’s going to end, and really, it may not end, but I have to be prepared nonetheless.

With or without him, I continue on with the plans I’ve started. It’s in the best interest of everyone (me and the kids) to get out of here, and find a place to start a life free from the drama and the trauma the dads insist on inflicting upon us. I whole heartedly believe that the only way I will be able to live my life without them both trying to control me via the kids, is to get the hell out of Dodge.

With or without him, I will still move closer to St. Louis, just because there are so many job opportunities there, and I am so familiar with the area, having lived there years ago. I have spent my life moving to new towns, new areas, meeting new people, making new friends, this won’t be any different.

Actually, starting over, completely over, doesn’t sound like a half bad idea, but that’s yet to be determined, exactly how completely it will be. Will it be a new home, a new town, a new job *and* a new man, or just the home/town/job?

I believe

That if you have the patience and play the game by the rules, you will win. Maybe not as swiftly as you would like it to happen, but it will happen.

Prayers, hopes, wishes do get answered. Not always with the answer we were hoping for but with the best answer possible.

Christina Aguilera’s Back to Basics CD is absolutely, without a doubt, worth every single penny of the $15 price tag. AWESOME!

There is someone out there who is my perfect partner, who loves me as much as I love him and is all that I deserve, everything I’ve ever dreamed of and more.

The St. Louis Cardinals did not deserve to be in the post season based on the way they played during the regular season. They have stepped up to the plate in post season play and they are playing World Series Champions ball now.

Captain Morgan sounds really wonderful right about now, but that will only make tonight worse and harder to get through.

There is no relief to a heart ache in the bottom of a bottle.

I will only be truly free to live my life free from interference from my ex husbands when I am allowed to move away from this god forsaken town.

C2 can be polite, charming and contrite but only for so long. Then his true colors start showing through and they are not pretty.

Some people have over inflated sense of selves and they are unbelievably arrogant and self-centered.

Karma will take care of everyone in time. Pay it forward every chance you get.

His home, his kids, his folks, his heart have all become mine too in 3 months and being away from them this weekend will be more difficult than I am willing to admit at this point.

There are three sides to every story, your side, my side and the truth.

Reality is not always the way we choose to perceive it.

If you want something, or don’t want something you should just speak up and say something. Don’t play wishy-washy games and leave other people guessing as to what it is.

B makes the absolute BEST margarittas I have ever had, anywhere, hands down.







Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The system worked for TD

Finally resolution. Probably not what I would have hoped for, but he didn’t get away with it, so that is something.

I know there are some of you who have been following this story from the beginning. Believe me; none of you have had a greater interest in it than I have. The final court date was October 20th. There he pled guilty to both charges, and has been sentenced.

Count 1, Sexual Misconduct, 1st degree. He pled guilty, and was sentenced to 1 year in jail, 2 years supervised probation. The sentence was suspended, with the exception of “Shock Incarceration” for a length of 30 days to begin immediately. 2 years supervised probation will follow that.
Count 2, Assault, 3rd degree. Again, another guilty plea, and was sentenced to 15 days in jail to be served concurrent with the previous sentence.

So, it looks like he’s in jail now for 30 days, till November 20th (give or take). After that he will be on supervised probation for 2 years. The 1 year jail sentence has been suspended, but can be invoked at any time if he is in court for any further charges. He did not skate on this.

No matter how much his family wants to believe they are above the law, this proves they are not. No matter how tightly the circled the wagons around him to protect him, and no matter how often or diligently they threw TD (teenage daughter) under the bus and blamed her, they could not make this go away. He is now serving time in jail. As much as I liked X at one point, I am thrilled beyond thrilled that he’s sitting in jail with the other scumbags.

I don’t have all the answers yet, and believe me, I will be asking my attorney about this, but I wonder if he now has to register as a sex offender. If that’s the case, that little fact can only help my case when I go to court for the modification of custody of the girls. That is yet to be determined.

Thank god, and who ever else was involved, this did not get swept under the rug. It did not go away. TD got some justice.

Edited to Add: Per our paralegal in the office, he will probably have to register as a sex offender now too. That can only help my case.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

I don't know how

I have all of our yahoo conversations.  I have most of the text messages.  I still have the ‘Bat phone’.  I have his sweatshirt.  I have a pair of lounging pants.  I have pictures, tons of pictures, both on my computer and in my heart.  I have hope. And dreams, and wishes made on stars.  I have memories of what has been.  I have my Kasey Kahne hat, I have my Cardinal shirts.  I even have new hair that I love.  I have questions. I have doubts. I have suspicions.  I have fears. I have insecurities.   What I don’t have is answers.

We still talk. He tells me he still loves me. He says his feelings for me haven’t changed at all. He just needs a break from the drama.  He needs some down time.  He says he needs to ‘decompress’ and ‘get right’ with himself.  I don’t know what that means exactly, but for now it means I don’t get to see him, no matter how much I want to.  I know that means I have to let this go, and understand that I am not in control here.  I have to accept what he decides he needs.

I don’t know how to be here on the weekends. I don’t know how to wake up without a hot cup of fresh coffee in bed with my hot man. I don’t know how to spend a weekend at home, knowing he’s spending the weekend at his son’s last race of the season.  I don’t know how to be away from him, from his kids, from his family, his home, all of which have become mine too in the past 3 months. I don’t know how, but I do know, I will find the way.  

  

The rest of the story

As some of you know, I have made some life altering decisions in the past month, and set forth on a course of action that will lead to those changes, if all goes well. What I was unprepared for was some of the fall out that has come about.

I’m just going to lay it all out here, after this week; it will be common knowledge anyway. The papers will be drafted and filed and served requesting sole custody of the girls for me. For reasons that are too numerous to go into here, I feel this is in their best interest.

I was under the impression that Bo’s father and I could work something out in regards to Bo, even if that meant I left him here to live with his father. Apparently I was very wrong. I was served papers last night, where he is seeking sole custody of Bo and literally stripping me of every single right I have as Bo’s mother, save the right to pay child support. The demands listed in his complaint and filing are so utterly ridiculous and completely over the top I can’t even begin to comprehend them. They are just so unbelievable.

And as if that is not bad enough, B calls this morning, as he always does, and tells me ‘We need to talk’ and well, everyone knows that’s not good. He promised me before I even started this whole mess, that he would be there to support me, but apparently it’s just too much drama and stress for him. He needs space, he needs time to clear his head. Right now, he says just this week, he doesn’t want me to come see him Wednesday or this weekend. He tells me that he still loves me, that he’s not bailing, that he’s not leaving, he’s not breaking up with me. He assures me that his feelings haven’t changed, but he just needs some space and some breathing room.

I’m trying hard to understand, and I’m trying even harder to not jump to conclusions and not panic, but I am also building the walls around my heart, preparing for the heartache I am sure is coming in a week. It is what it is, nothing more, nothing less, and it’s out of my hands right now. I do know this, I will never love anyone else. If I can’t be with him, I won’t be with anyone else. If he walks away, then I am done too. I will never love again. I will resign myself to being single for the rest of my days.

So I am standing the precipice of the unknown and I feel like the sky is falling in around me, and the solid ground I stood on just a couple of days ago has started to crumble away from under me. Standing beside me, offering me promises of comfort and control is my best friend/worse enemy, anorexia. This time, I am reaching out and embracing her, knowing what that decision will do, but not really caring much. She promises control, and she promises me comfort that I know so well. There is strength in the willpower she demands of me, and this is the one area I can be strong beyond my wildest dreams.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Finally, a picture of the new 'do

Ok, I will admit it is a LONG way from a good picture of me, but it was quick and it was with the timer using a really cheap point and shoot camera. Hey, just because I have a couple of really *good* cameras doesn't mean every picture I take has to be great.

Anyway, disclaimer not withstanding, this is just a really quick shot to show off the new 'do. I am so LOVING it. Yes, it means a little longer in the bathroom in the morning, b/c it does need to be flat ironed every day, but I think it's so worth the time. I love it, love it, love it. It's straight, it's soft, it moves, you can run your fingers through it without getting hung up in snags and tangles. It is everything I've ever wanted my hair to be.

I still, tell B "Thank you" all the time. I love it. I am still blown away that he would do this for me, and yet, I'm so grateful and thankful and glad he did. No more tears and tantrums because I hate my hair. No more thoughts of shaving it off and starting over, no more wanting to pull my hair out of my head. I love it.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

My first Brick wall, but I can climb over, with time

I ran into my first brickwall in my plan. Oh, it's not surmountable, and it's not impossible to get past, it's just bigger than I had hoped it would be. I knew when I put all of this in motion that it would not be easy, but it is necessary. I also know that for all the love and support I have behind me, there are also those close to me that will strongly disagree with what I am doing. They are entitled to their opinions, but until you've lived a year in the hell I've been in for 2 years, your opinion is not based on all the facts.

I know now that I have no promise that this will work out the way I hope and pray that it will. I know now that what I have embarked on is truly a leap of faith, stepping out on a cloud with nothing but hopes and prayers the truth to support me. I wonder sometimes if all of that is enough. I know that it has to be.

I was foolish to think that this would be an easy thing to accomplish, because really, when has anything been easy in the past? I am about to piss off the devil himself, my biggest nastiest most evil enemy. If I thought my life was hell before, I know that I was wrong. I know that I am standing at the gates of hell, and am about to step through those gates and go through something that will be worse than the 7 rings of Dante's Inferno. But I know that the only way to the end of this mess is through it.

My mother continues to tell me, remember in the dark what you've learned in the light. It is so easy to react from the gut when provoked, but reactions make a bad situation worse, and I never come out ahead. So, instead of reacting I have to remember to take the high road, don't react. It's hard to fight with someone who refuses to fight back, and taunting someone loses it's joy when the taunts don't effect them. That is my goal. With grace, and calm and dignity and poise take all the wind out of his sails, deflate and emasulate him. Stand and deflect all that he throws at me, until he litterally wears himself out and exhausts all he has, and then strike the single but fatal blow that it will take to defeat him. For this I need nerves of steel and patience of a saint. Neither of which I have, but I will learn to fake both.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Tid bits

Last Friday, Bo turned 13. I apologize for not blogging about his birthday. I promise there will be a complete post with pictures this weekend.

Wednesday Newt turned 7. Again, pictures will be posted this weekend.

Also, Bo's football team finally had a really good game. Ok, yes, they lost again (record 0-4 this year) but the score this time was 7-12. They played the silver team that beat them 32-13 their first time out. So this game, while not a win, was a HUGE improvement!

I have several people who have been asking to see pictures of the new look. I know, I'm awful about that, but I hope to have pictures of the new 'do posted here this weekend as well.

What keeps me going



LB sent me this card today, with a note attached, "To the lady who always knows what is best!!! You know that you can do or have anything you set your mind to! You are one of the strongest women that I know. Have a beautiful day!!! "

I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that I have the support of my family and my friends, and so far, everyone I've talked to regarding this decision along the way. It's going to be life changing, but I also believe it's going to be life saving. It's long over due.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Steps taken so far, easier than I thought

I have taken many, many steps towards the final goal, following the plan as I go. There have been a few surprise twists and turns along the way, but nothing that has been a roadblock, or even a stumbling block, just little bumps.

I have to admit that at the beginning, even with a clear cut destination and a plan to get there, I had my doubts. I worried it would never happen, or that it would take more than I had in me. But I am finding it hard to hold on to the doubts when every thing has fallen so perfectly into place, each step of the way. Of course, right now, what I am doing is minor, and small, but it is preparing the ground work and the foundation for the big major steps that are coming, some sooner than I had thought and planned for.

Much to my own delight, and true to his word, B has been there with me (via phone) for everything I've had to do and go through this week. Supporting me, offering advice, suggesting changes, courses of action, sharing his perspective, and loving me through it all. Just like I knew he would. I know that ultimately this dragon I will face, will have to be slain by my hands alone. But knowing I have the love and support of an incredible man, who is waiting for me at the end, to celebrate the victory, makes all the planning and preparations easy to endure.

I am sorry for the silence as of late. That is another issue altogether. I do not have internet at home for the time being (losing child support from The Slug, means entertainment gets cut before groceries and therefore, internet didn't get paid. Anyone willing to ante up $150 for 2 months? I'd be grateful! LOL) so I get here and post and email when I can. I, of course, have internet access every weekend at B's house, so if it can wait till the weekend, email me, if not, call.

Know that I am working hard towards a wonderful, important, life changing goal. And I will keep you posted as much as possible.

Saturday, October 7, 2006

The Plan has been made

I will spare you all the boring details. They just reiterate the same point I've made time and time again here. And that is that C2 is a control freak, and an asshole. He just doesn't understand that the same divorce decree that granted him the freedom to live his life without interference from me, granted me the same freedom.

Needless to say, he has made my life hell, yet again. Yet again? It's closer to STILL. As my sister says, the universe needs to fall apart in order to come back together again, better than ever. My corner of the universe has fallen apart, fallen down around me. And it has forced me to admit that if I don't stand up, take control of my life yet again, and fight for my life, I won't have a life to fight for. If I don't claim my life again, I will lose it.

I know that another breakdown is inevitable unless I put a stop to him and get him out of my life. For the first time in 2 years, my best friend/worst enemy is coming back around. Anorexia is shadowing me, whispering sweet promises of control in my ear, and I'm listening, and I can feel the draw, the desire pulling me in. The sweet comfort of the familar, the ultimate control when nothing else seems to be controlable. I used to believe that I could never go back there, but I was wrong. Even though I know that to fall under her spell would disappoint many important people in my life, I am still drawn to her promises, seduced by the control she promises to give. It's very heady and seductive and hard to resist. And she is here because of him.

So, in the past 72 hours I have finally seen the truth, and that is, that he has not figured out how to let go. People tell me "He thinks he can still control you." The truth is, he thinks it because it's true. He set up the hoops he wanted me to jump through and then set the game in motion and got me to jump. He is a sick, twisted, puppet master and I am apparently his puppet. The problem with that is, he will control me to death. He's almost done it before, and he will not stop until he suceeds. Unless I can find a way to stop him.

So after much thought, much talking, much drama, and many many phone calls, a plan has been hatched and will now be put in motion. Out of fear of someone finding this by accident and reporting back to him, I will not go into details about what is coming down the line. I can say that it will be ugly, it will be difficult, and in the end it will be worth it all. I am litterally taking a walk of faith, stepping out into the unknown, throwing all caution to the wind, letting go of everything, in order to gain so much more. Starting with my life, and my happiness.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and all I can do is take a single step, followed by another, and another, until I get my life and my happiness back. If I don't I won't have a life left to live. Much to my surprise and delight, I have the support of my mother, Batman, and my friends. I know that I will have MANY difficult decisions ahead of me, I will have to give up a LOT, but I know in the end I will gain so much more.

Wish me luck.