Sunday, December 17, 2006

Fresh Starts, shedding the past, reaching for the future

Yesterday was rough, and for the first time, the tears that plagued my day weren't because of Batman. They were tears of sadness, tears of anger, tears of relief, the whole gaumet of emotions. But they are dried up and gone today. After all, it's a whole new day.

For the most part now, the fights in my life, the battles I faced, are over. It's just a matter of signing peace treaties now, and cleaning up the mess. I have finally cut my way free of the tenticles that clung to my life from my past. My life, is now, my life. The Slug and C1 can no longer control or manipulate my life. It is time to let go of the past, look to the future and start planning my new life.

I started yesterday. I started cleaning out my apartment. Throwing away dead weight, reminders of past baggage that I no longer need. I threw away 15 empty Captain Morgan bottles, left over from the young Knucklehead. I threw away an empty Mich Ultra beer bottle from the other Knucklehead. I even threw away an empty Jack Daniels bottle and a Black Label whiskey bottle from Boo. (God, I sound like a lush, and aparently, all my reminders of the men in my past was wrapped up in alcohol.) Anyway, they all went to the dumpster. Gone.

I have put all the momentos of my past in boxes, at least the important ones. The ticket from Daytona, the brochures from Hard Rock Cafe, Universal Boardwalk, Pat O'Brien's, the Mardi Gras beads. I have taken all reminders of all the men in my life and put them away. I no longer need them. I don't want to forget the memories and the things we did, or the places we went, but I don't need to cling to them, nor do I need to see them every day. They are my past, they are not a part of my future. I thought I loved them once, I was wrong. I cared about them deeply, but it wasn't love. My love, my life, is B.

I am cutting lose all the ties that have bound me to the past, achored me in pain, hurt, sadness, and have held me back from reaching for true love, and true happiness, and all that I can be. I am once again, shedding more layers of myself, saying goodbye to the person I was, and reaching towards the person I want to become. I am letting go of old hurts, past anger, pain, resentments, grudges. I am forgiving them, and myself, and I am moving on. I am not going to forget the past, or the lessons learned. I just will not allow it to hold me down, or hold me back, or control me any more.

I have a new life ahead of me. Free from the past, a new life that is mine. A chance to start fresh, and do it right. I want that more than anything. I can't wait to move to our new home, our new life, and start over. Sure it's scary and uncertain, but I know the girls and I can do it and we will love it. 6 months from now. Just 6 months.

3 comments:

Melissa Mullinax said...

"Purging" is one of my favorite emotions. :) It always feels so fresh and open.....YOU have a wonderful new year ahead of you.

Always on your side....Mel

Junebugg said...

Sounds like you're on a roll. I've found that you have to constantle evolve or you get stale and boring. I'm so glad to see you happy and hopeful for the future. Happy Holidays and Best Wishes to you and the kids

Junebugg said...

*constantly*

Dang, I can't even type today 8-}