Power struggles

The truth I knew and feared yesterday is out in the open now. Last night, in a phone call, I found the guts to ask, to face it, if for no other reason than to strip the demon of it's power. It worked. It hurt, but not as bad as I had thought, and it's not as horrible as I had feared. It's not insurmountable either.

I took the demon's power away, by bringing it out into the open, finding out the truth. The truth, no matter how awful is better than a lie and better than not knowing. Not knowing meant my imagination could run wild and make it so much worse than it was. The truth, in the light, isn't as scary as the dark.

It's another hurdle to cross, another step in the journey. It's not defeat by any means, but it changes directions. There is still hope, but it's a step back too. Not as close as I once thought, but not down and out either. It just changes the game.

I'm not a quiter. I won't give up. I won't turn my back on what I believe to be true. I won't walk away. I'm a fighter, and I will fight for what I want and for what I believe in. I won't give up easily.

Truths and Demons

Of course, he didn't show last night. Bad day at work, late day at work, drama with the kids, too late to come up. Excuses. All of them believable, and all of them doubtful at the same time. But that is just the demons in my head talking.

The demons have been busy today, working hard to destroy what confidence I had in me, in him and in us. I'm sad to say they are winning, because what they are saying I have questioned myself for a while now, and it's believable. It's painful and it fucking messed up, and it's horrible, but it's believable and it's possible.

Funny, though, I knew before I ever left the house yesterday morning, he wouldn't show. I knew it all day long. I just kept hoping I was wrong, knowing I wasn't.

I still get a weekend, and it's possible it will be next weekend, even though we weren't sure. He talked to EW, and next weekend they will split it, meaning Princess and Scooter will be with him until Saturday afternoon. It is possible I will get to go there after he takes them home.

It's possible pigs will fly out of my ass too. Not bloodly likely, but hell, stranger things have happened.

There is another truth out there. I feel it, I know it. The betrayal of the act, and the betrayal of the lies kills me. I won't ask because I know that I could not stand in the face of the truth. And yet I hate being the coward with my head stuck in the sand. I just wish it was out in the open, and over and done with.

I want him. I want us. More than anything I want us. I have worked too hard, waited, and played by the rules, jumped through the hoops, I've come too far to lose it all.