Monday, July 18, 2005

It's my party, I'll cry if I want to

July 3rd was my 37th birthday. I celebrated by having an emotional breakdown. Hey, it’s my party, I’ll cry if I want to. I just happen to cry uncontrollably and continuously for 12 hours. Not great wracking sobs, just silent tears and anguish, hopelessness and helplessness. I remember thinking, and have since been told I told people, “Isn’t 37 years long enough?” I just wanted the pain and hurt, and anger and confusion and helplessness to end. I was just emotionally exhausted and tired of trying to hold things together and having forces beyond my control conspiring to tear it all apart.

Thank God for giving me the family I have, my sister called, my father called and my mother came and got me to the hospital to get the help I needed. At the hospital I got medication to treat the symptoms, but more importantly I got the message, loud and clear. I can not get well alone. I need help, professional help.

I started going to therapy and it’s helping a great deal. I went in emotionally exhausted and looking for myself. I was holding things together, but I was trying too hard to hold on to too much. I had to learn to let go of things that weren’t important.

I had to learn to stop trying to control my life, the out come of my life, the people in my life, the relationships in my life. I was trying too hard to get the answers the out comes, the solutions the relationships I thought I needed. I was literally trying to hold too many things together and was wearing my self out.

I was working too hard to project the image that I was fine. I was trying to be the queen among men (my sister’s phrase). I was trying too hard to get all the attention, be everyone’s sweetheart. It took me a long time (37 years) to realize that my happiness wouldn’t be found there. I had to learn to let go.

If I had to chase someone down, they weren’t going to be worth being with. If they came to me, not because of my image, but because of my personality and took the time to get to know me, that had the potential to become something.