Monday, July 31, 2006

My Birthday Present

I have the coolest brother and sister-in-law ever! For my birthday they got me a die-cast model of Kenny Schrader's #21 Air Force Ford. But what makes it really cool? It's autographed!

Sunday, July 30, 2006

He showed up unarmed again!

Can I just start this post off by saying I love the fact that my ex husband, C2 is a complete and totally idiot? I love when we have a meeting of the minds because he always shows up completely unarmed.

First of all, our regular babysitter takes the week of July 4th off, every year. No surprise. We had to find a sitter for the girls. Again, no problem, no surprise. I was actually off work the days that I had the girls so I just kept them home with me. The days he had the girls, well, he was responsible for finding a sitter. He asked his neighbors, who happen to be his friends to watch the girls. Again, no surprise, no problem. That is until the end of the week. I had asked Mel if I needed to pay her for watching the kids. Her answer was an unequivocal “NO”. I pressed the issue, she insisted that I owed her nothing. 2 days later I get a call from C2 saying E is expecting $20/day for the girls. I tell him my conversation with Mel led me to believe I didn’t owe them a dime. If E wants $20/day I suggest C2 pay him. Then I check the parenting plan in our divorce…. “If the FATHER elects to obtain childcare from a childcare provider other than the provider used by MOTHER during his periods of custody, FATHER shall pay expenses for the childcare costs he incurs.” Guess what? He has to pay them the $20/day. Not me. End of discussion.

So, now, I’m thinking of taking the kids to see my dad out of state over Labor Day weekend. It’s my holiday weekend, and it’s the only time we can get away to go. I happened to tell this to C2 this weekend. He totally blew a gasket, said “Oh hell no you’re not taking them anywhere out of state.” Well, guess what. I can and I am. “You need my permission to do that and I’m not giving you my permission.” Oh, well, that’s where you’re wrong. I don’t need your permission. Check the parenting plan. It states “…If either party travels out of town for any extended periods of time (ten days or more), then such person shall notify the other of his or her destination, basic itinerary, and provide a telephone number where he or she may be reached for emergency purposes.” OK, nowhere does it say I need his permission. In fact, I didn’t even have to tell him about this little trip, because it’s only going to be 4 days long which is less than 10. So, sounds to me like we’ll be going to visit my father without any interference from C2. (yeah, right, like I believe that).

I love it when he still tries to control my life and fails so miserably. It just reinforces to me that I did the right thing by leaving. If he’s trying to control my life after our divorce can you imagine how controlling he was while we were married? I love it when I’m right and there’s nothing he can do to stop me, and I’m well within my rights to do what it is I’m doing. I love it when he tries to stop me and ends up looking the fool. Of course, I hate that I still have to continually deal with him being a totally and complete asshole, but I’m getting used to it. I’ve only been doing it for 11 years now. That’s nothing new.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Oh S*#T!!!!

If you've been waking up every morning single and unattached, today you will be confronted with issues involving commitment. Indeed, events today could change your whole life, dear Cancer. If nothing else, you know that it's time to make necessary changes, and you are ready to put a plan into action. Sure, it's a bit scary, but you need this balance in your life. (My horoscope for today)

"If you’re waking up every single morning single and unattached, today you will be confronted with issues involving commitment"….you know what that means? Newt has finally figured out a way to get that damn baby elephant she swears she needs to make her life perfect and complete.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Good thoughts, prayers, please

Good thoughts and many prayers go out today to Boo, and his team of doctors. At 8:00 this morning Boo went in for surgery on his nose. Turns out he has a deviated septum.

I’ve had nose surgery before. It’s painful and ugly and takes a long time to heal. He will come out of surgery very bruised and swollen, and unable to be alone for 48 hours or longer. Monday he goes back to have the stitches removed, and then it’s two weeks of recovery for him.

So send up good wishes, and send along good vibes to Boo, and to his surgeon. We want everything to go smoothly and as planned.

ETA 3:15 PM. ~ Just got a text message, short and to the point, "I'm OK". But it was enough, it let me know that he was out of surgery, out of the hospital and home at his brother's. I know he's in a lot of pain and will sleep the rest of the day, and probably tomorrow too, and swollen too. But he's ok, and he cared enough to let me know that.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I'm glad I'm back, I didn't realize I was gone

Unleash yourself from all outside pressures; just focus on your own passions. Ideas just flow from you. The stars want you to make sure that those good intentions bear fruit, so apply all that creativity and knowledge and get something down on paper (or in clay, or in paint -- whatever it takes). You're too focused on the present for once. Look into your crystal ball and see what's likely to come up ahead. Then start preparing to deal with it before it gets out of control. Your passions and personal interests are part of who you are -- and part of what makes you special to other people. There's nothing wrong with setting aside time to fulfill your own interest. It's not selfish; it's healthy. Unburden yourself of all outside pressures today ... that may mean rescheduling an appointment or taking a rain check on that dinner date. Don't feel bad about putting yourself first. It's all part of staying healthy -- and being a better friend or partner.

That is my horoscope for today. It’s actually kind of fitting. I picked up the camera last night, for the first time in 2 weeks. I had neglected my passion; I had shut that part of me off. I was unhappier than I knew, and the first thing to suffer was my passion, the one thing that feeds my soul.

So last night, I picked up the camera and took the girls outside to shoot some pictures. We shot a whole roll in about 15 minutes, so I’m not sure the quality will be any good, but I felt alive again. I created, I saw beauty, I saw character, I saw joy, laughter, and love in the faces of my daughters and I can only hope I was able to capture it all on film. It fed my soul again.

I didn’t consciously neglect my photography. Before, when I was unhappy, I starved my body in an attempt to control something in my life. This time, I starved my soul, gave up, and neglected the one thing that gave me great pleasure and joy.

It was good to be behind the camera again. In fact, my brother and sister-in-law will be in town this week, and we’re having a family dinner with them. You can bet I’m taking my camera with me, capturing the fun and laughter and love of our family. I’m not being selfish, I’m just feeding my soul, finding my bliss, my happiness, my balance, my passion, myself.

It’s good to be back. I just didn’t realize I was gone.

Things I didn't know

Apparently, we are in need of a baby elephant. Newt has declared that her life will not be perfect or complete until she has a baby elephant. When asked where she plans on housing this baby elephant, she told me..

We'll keep him at Grandma and Grandpa J's. They have a big yard and the lake, and Grandpa needs someone to keep him company.

There you have it. Her life problems solved.

Monday, July 24, 2006

The last word on Mr.Wonderful

Ok, I’m done thinking about it. He walked out the door Friday night and never looked back and has refused to speak a single word beyond ‘Goodbye’. He has not uttered a single word. Turned his back, walked away and shut the door. The End.

I don’t know what, if anything, I expected him to say. He said “Before we end up hating each other, I’m walking away.” Well, I guess for him it was too late. I don’t know. I’m not sure exactly what I was expecting.

The girls were ok with it for the most part. Megan was listening to a CD this weekend that the girls (all 3 of them) used to listen and dance to and it brought on tears. I think they are more hurt over the thought of losing their friends than anything. It breaks my heart to see my girls in pain over losing friends. It hurts too to think about how hurt his kids will be when they are told what happened.

The irony is, even though I wanted this, I was still miffed that he ended it. He sat there and told me he always worked, and worked hard, for what he wanted, and he wanted us. And then the next day, he walked away, turned his back and shut me out completely. It only hurt for a minute, and then I moved on. Occasionally this weekend, I would remember something he said or did, and it would make me stop. I even shed a couple of tears, but nothing dramatic. I threw away the roses, all the roses he gave me. I guess I need to throw away the birthday card too. (Although, I doubt I will. It’s the only thing I have as a reminder of the fact that he loved me once.) I have pictures (several rolls) from family get togethers with his family that I have to decide what to do with.

I hurt to think he was at G’ma W’s yesterday and had to tell the family what happened. I know (ok I hope) it was difficult for him, it was difficult for me, and I wasn’t there. We had such hopes for the future for us, and he just walked away from it all, without trying to see if there could be some way to compromise on our differences.

I’m not sure we could have reached a compromise, maybe we could have. Doesn’t matter now, we’ll never know. It is what it is, and it is over. That just means he wasn’t/isn’t The One, so there is someone else out there I’m supposed to meet still. I just have to find him, or allow him to find me.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Freedom...What a wonderful thing

I did some things this past week that might not seem like a big deal to most people, but to me they are kind of big, and really freeing and completely liberating.

Without going into a lot of details, I’ve had some problems hanging around for a while now. In fact it was like a huge albatross hanging around my neck. It was something I was not very proud of. People wouldn’t know anything about it unless I told them, so I didn’t tell them, but I knew. I’m even embarrassed to admit this, but the truth is, out of embarrassment and fear of what others would think, I just didn’t take the time or the steps to deal with this problem. Finally it all came to a head, and I was forced to deal with this. The only way to the end of this was through it. One step at a time, and just set aside all my doubts, my fears, my reluctance and just do what needs to be done. I put my head down and barreled through. And it turns out it wasn’t as bad as I had always feared. It wasn’t embarrassing, it wasn’t difficult, and it wasn’t as expensive as I had feared. I got it all taken care of. I’m free of this burden now. And I’ve got some money I wasn’t counting on.

So, with that unexpected ‘found’ money, I went to Rent-a-Center to make a payment on my dryer only to be told that for an additional $48 I could pay the whole thing off and own it outright, free and clear. So, I plopped down that money and now I’m out from under that payment.

Friday night when BK got off work, he came by, picked up the last of his things, and said that “There were some things that you said Wednesday night that I just can’t deal with. I can’t accept them, and I can’t live with them. So, before we start to hate each other again, I’m out of here. I don’t want to hate you but I can’t do this your way.” What couldn’t he live with or accept? My continued friendship with Boo. I swear it’s just a friendship, and it’s really just a friendship via phone and email. But he couldn’t deal. He also couldn’t deal with the fact that I couldn’t/wouldn’t set my bad mood aside for a night for him. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just stop being in a pissy mood so that I could make him feel loved. If he couldn’t trust that I loved him even when I was in a bad mood, then his leaving is a good thing, because I don’t have time or the energy or the desire to constantly stroke his ego.

He actually said to me “I always want to be the center of your attention. I want your attention all the time.” He went so far as to say that it annoyed him that I spent time on the computer and ‘ignored’ him. Hello!? I wasn’t ignoring him. I sat right here on the computer and he could watch whatever I was doing, because for the most part I was on ILP or sending emails to M, or chatting with my sister. But even when he was here, everything had to be all about him, and I didn’t have the freedom to do my thing.

So, I’ve been taking my life back, claiming my freedom, freeing myself from unwanted, unnecessary burdens. I have taken care of the albatross around my neck, I’ve freed myself from at least one monthly bill, and I’ve taken back my life because I shouldn’t have to give up my freedom to be loved. And off those things have proven to me that I can do it. I can stand on my own two feet. I can take care of myself. I have worth, and I’ve found it. I don’t need a man to take care of me and my kids, I can do it alone, and I seem to be able to do it alone better than I could with someone. My life is my life. I’ve traveled a long way to get to this point, but I’m here now, and it feels good. Really good. Freedom, what a wonderful thing.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Too good to be true? All good things must come to an end?

Uh, yeah, BK really was too good to be true, for any real length of time. Yes, he was wonderful about getting the girls, cooking dinner, doing laundry. At least he was once. It couldn't last.

He was just a little to country, a little too red-neck for me. He was also a little too jealous, and a little to nosy, and a little to obnoxious, and a little too demanding.

He wanted to be here every single night. He said (direct quote here) "That's the only way I've ever dated, I don't know how to do it any other way. I spend every night with who ever I'm seeing." That sounds an awful lot like being married to me and I don't want to be married. Especially not to him.

I found out I really like my alone time, my personal space, my private time, just me, not answering to anyone but myself. I don't mind occassionally being here, but every single night? I couldn't even go shopping because he was always here and 'there was no way in hell he was going shopping with me'.

He said he didn't have a problem with me talking to Boo, just as long as I told him every time that I did. Well, I'm sorry, but that's just not going to happen. For one reason, a lot of what Boo and I talk about is really trivial and irrelevant (who's his cable provider, where does Jeff stand in the Race for the Chase, the politics in the offices there at work). The other reason? It's really none of his business. I don't check in with anyone.

So, all good things must come to an end. And you know, I really don't mind picking up the girls and doing laundry and cooking dinner, because it means my life is still my life and no one is trying to control it.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

It Is What It Is....which is pretty close to over

Oh my GOD! Mr. Wonderful, has fallen from grace. Yesterday I posted some of my complaints, well, let me add a few more!

Yesterday was a hectic day at work. A lot of driving around running errands, which is no big deal, but it was hot. A lot of what I did could have been accomplished in 1 trip versus the 4 that I actually made, but I was on the clock and being paid mileage, so WTH.

By the time I got to the sitters to get the girls, I was tired, hot and a little cranky. Now, while I love my girls, when they come back from a weekend with their dad, they are wild and wound up and loud and they were getting on my last nerve too. And I tried to let it go, but when Newt tried to tell me exactly what it was I had to do I had to draw the line and explain to her that she’s just 6 and not quite big enough to be in charge of me.

Add to this the fact that I am PMSing, and well, you realize people would have been smart to give me wide berth last night and steer clear of me for a while. I just wanted to be left alone to watch Big Brother and zone out on the internet at my favorite website or browse a few of my favorite blogs. But could Mr. Wonderful do that for me? Oh no.

I was honest and up front with him yesterday telling him I had a crazy day. And while I wasn’t exactly pissed off about all the running around I did that was completely unnecessary, I was a little bit miffed, and hot and tired and cranky. Then I told him about the girls, and while I love them, they were just on my nerve. I knew it wasn’t their fault so I was trying not to take my mood out on them. I was being honest with him in saying “Look, I’m pissy and bitchy tonight, so just leave me alone. It’s nothing personal, just give me some space.” Well, apparently that’s beyond him, he can’t give me space.

Later, he asked me “So, are you going to be pissed off at me all night?” First of all, I’m not pissed off at you yet, but if you want to make this personal, we can, and damn quick. Second of all, I seem to recall several Friday nights you would come over after having put in five 12-hour days at work, and you were tired and cranky and I just gave you some space and didn’t bother you. I’m not allowed to have a bad day and be cranky and want some space too? His response? “Well, I at least made the effort to show you some affection.” OMG! Can you really be that freaking needy? And made the effort? I didn’t ask you too, and if it was a real effort, don’t bother next time.

So, tonight, since I don’t have any kids, and he’s working until 7:30, I’m going out for some me time. Then, when I get home, we’re going to have a little talk. I just can’t go on like this. If he wants to continue to date, fine, but he can’t continue to stay at my place every night. I need some space. I knew there was a reason I didn’t want to get married again, and this is why. I don’t like someone coming in and taking over my space.

Every morning my alarm goes off at 5:00 and I lay in bed listening to Bob and Tom until 5:45, at which point I get up and start getting ready for work. Now, when my alarm goes off, BK shoves me “Turn your alarm off”. Uh, no. I’m listening to the radio. He came into my apartment and has taken over and is changing my routine in my house. It would be one thing if I decided to change things for him, because I wanted to, but to tell me and expect me to change my routine and life to accommodate him? I’m sorry but what exactly is he giving up for me?

So, here’s the plan. Tonight, when I get off work, I’m going out, either alone or with friends, and we’re going to go blow off steam. (IE get dinner a few drinks) then I’m going to go home (fully fortified with strength, courage and conviction courtesy of Captain Morgan) and have a nice little chat with Mr. Wonderful and tell him this. “There is a really good reason I’m still single and not married and don’t want to get married. I like my space, I like my time alone, I like my life. I feel married to you and I don’t want to be married. I don’t want to give up everything that you expect me to give up.”

After all, it is what it is, nothing more and nothing less. And right now it is not good, and it’s pretty close to over.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Everything I thought I wanted, except him

Am I tired?  Is it my past?  Or, am I really just all of a sudden unhappy?  Have I been pretending and lying to myself, and now I can’t?  Or is it that we’re both starting to relax and let our guard down and our true selves are coming out, and there’s things about him that I didn’t like then, and still don’t like?  Is he from the same Good Ole Boy school of thought and he was raised enough like C2 that he reminds me of him and I don’t want to go back there?  Is he just young enough to still be too immature for me?  

Am I still being overly critical and overly sensitive? The thing is, I thought this was what I wanted, and maybe it still is, just not with him?  He’s here every single night, I have no time to myself.  I honestly don’t know if he’s here because he wants to be here or if he’s here just because he’s worried someone else will be if he’s not.  He spent three nights at his sister’s last week and he cried himself to sleep every night because he wasn’t here and he thought someone else was.  He has already assumed he’s going to visit my dad with us in September, except that I haven’t asked him if he wanted to go.  I want to go visit family in Kansas again, but I don’t want him to go.  

He says he doesn’t mind that I talk to my friends (male and female) but I should tell him when I talk to them, every single time I talk to them.  Well, I’m sorry, but I got an email from Boo today asking me if I remembered who his cable provider was, and did I have the phone number.  Ok, how is that even relevant?  And why should I have to tell BK about that email exchange?  I’m not hiding it, but why should I offer up the information?  It’s irrelevant.  

He was upset today because at my job I had to run over to a client’s office 4 times to help my boss.  I was on the clock and getting paid mileage, so it wasn’t a big deal, and it is part of my job, but he was like “Well, what does he think? You’re his personal bitch?”  

It’s just not working. I’m not happy. The thought of him being here again tonight is making me sick to my stomach and pissing me off.  I don’t want him here.  I need some time by myself.  Like maybe the rest of my life.  He was offering everything I thought I wanted, and yet it’s not enough because I don’t want it with him.  I don’t want him.  

Now, I have to find a way out of this.  I’m sorry, but the kids, his kids, are going to be so hurt.  So are mine, but I can’t put them before me.  I can’t stay miserable just to make them happy.  

Monday, July 17, 2006

I learned something new

I learned something new about myself this weekend.  I don’t know if I’m jumping the gun, or being overly sensitive, but something BK said to me this weekend, really bothered me.

This was our first weekend without kids, and it wasn’t one of our better weekends.  We went out Saturday night with some friends of his, had dinner and then played cards.  That was a lot of fun.  There was alcohol involved, but nobody got drunk, just pleasantly happy and having a good time.  But with alcohol, inhibitions drop and things get said that probably wouldn’t normally get said.  We were all having fun poking fun at each other.  The problem was BK and I both know each other’s pasts and we know each other’s weaknesses and issues and hang ups and some of the things said Saturday night were unfair and unkind.  They were said in a joking manner, but they hit their marks none the less and they stung.  To be fair the jabs went both ways, we both took our shots.

The next day he came to me and wanted to talk about what had happened.  He knew that we were pulling away from each other, that walls had gone up, and the lines of communication had started to shut down.  Kuddos to him for reaching out and bringing it up first and dealing with it all head on, early, before it was too late.  

Part of the problem is, while we both understand and can see that we have both moved on from our past, we both still see each other with a tinge of the past still there.  I still see him as C2’s friend. He sees me as C2’s wife. But more than that, I say and do things that PJ or W2 would have said or done, and he reacts like he would with them.  Same goes for me.  He says and does things that C2 would say and do, and it reminds me of him.  I admitted to BK in the past that I was afraid that our past would be there to haunt us and we would never be free of them.  I was right, there they are.  Our issues from our past are there still.    

In the course of our several conversations this weekend he actually said the following

  • I love you with my whole heart. I have a girlfriend now, and I hope to for the rest of my life.

  • Marriage really isn’t important.  The person you’re with shouldn’t care what you do, well, they should to a certain extent. But there are boundaries that should never be crossed.  If she loves you, she doesn’t need a piece of paper or a commitment.  And you love her, then you won’t want to cross those boundaries.

  • You know, once I get my own place, here in the next week or two, then you and the kids can come stay up there with me every night.  

First of all, I don’t want to be someone’s girlfriend for the rest of our lives.  If he loves me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me, then he should love me enough to make a real commitment to me.  After all, he’s expecting some sort of commitment from me.

Second of all, a marriage is more than just a piece of paper.  It’s a real commitment to each other and to the relationship and the family.  I’m not saying he has to marry me, but I think if he wants to talk about forever, and the rest of our lives, then there should be something more there than just a girlfriend/boyfriend kind of thing.

Then there’s #3.  Ok, now, why would I want to drag my kids 15 miles out of town every night to spend the night at his house if I still have to work here?  Why would I spend every night at his place, when I have a place of my own where I still have to pay rent?  Why would I pay rent on an apartment if I wasn’t going to be living there at least some of the time, or even most of the time?  And how big of a fight are we going to have to go through on the nights I decide I don’t want to drive 15 miles completely out of my way to sleep there?  I can promise you, that could and probably will happen a lot once school starts again.  

I guess I’m just over thinking things. I’m not sure this is all I thought it would be. I think I got all caught up in the excitement of something new.  He tells me he loves me with his whole heart, but I’m not sure I love him.  I know I don’t love him that much.  After all, it is what it is, nothing more, nothing less.  It’s not a marriage, it’s not forever. I don’t think he’s The One.  I don’t think it’s forever.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I think he's a keeper

BK gets off work at 3:30, a full hour and a half earlier than I do. So, he picks my girls up from the sitter every night, because he’s off work earlier and he’s closer to the sitter. He then goes to pick up his kids and meets me back home when I get off work. Big tremendous help.

Last night, I came home to BK and 5 kids, dinner in the oven with 10 minutes to go. The girls’ room was spotless, beds made, toys and clothes put away. All of the laundry was done (washed/dried/folded and put away). All of the dishes were done too. He served dinner, and did all of the dishes afterwards too. All that was expected of me last night was to come home, relax and let him do everything.

All of this without my asking, begging, or pleading or nagging. This is just how he is, what he does. I don’t know what to do about it. I feel guilty about letting him do all of this, but he chooses to do this. All I could do last night was smile and say thank you, repeatedly.

We’ve talked about our future. We’ve both been married twice before, and neither of us are really in a hurry to rush down the isle again, if at all. And yet, we both think “This one might be The One”. He gets it, he gets me. He knows that the kids come first, his and mine. He knows that my girls have seen a lot and been through a lot and he’s sensitive to that. He knows they need time to adjust, and he’s giving them that time. He’s not pushing or rushing anything. His kids have accepted me with open arms and open hearts. Our families are blending into one family and it’s nice.

He is working 6 days a week, 12 hour days, just to make extra money so that we can get a place big enough for all 7 of us. It is no longer a matter of if we move in together, it’s now just a matter of when.

When a problem arises, big or small, he insists we talk about it, right then, and talk it out until it’s resolved and we both feel better. He listens to me, and he hears me. He won’t let me shut him out or push him away. He is honest about everything, we talk about everything. He knows what it takes to make a relationship work and work well, and he’s determined to make this one work and do whatever it takes to make sure it does. He stands beside me and faces everything with me, allowing me to fight my own fights, but makes his support quietly known.

He loves me, and I don’t question that, I don’t doubt it. My feelings for him never waiver or falter. I feel safe and secure with him. He’s not only good to me, he’s good to the kids. Together we have 5 kids, and yet with him it’s easy, it’s family.

Just when I had given up and stopped looking and never hoped to find what I’d been looking for, I found it.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Me and BK

This picture was taken on the 4th of July at BK's g'ma's house where the family gathered to shoot off fireworks!
You would think as wonderful as things have been between us, we could at least act like we like each other in a picture, but the truth of the matter is he hates is picture being taken and I am so much more comfortable behind the camera instead of in front of it.

Friday, July 7, 2006

Who could have known?

It will be 11 years ago this September that I first met BK. It was shortly after my first date with C2. He asked me if I wanted to go meet his god-daughter. I love babies, so I said sure.

We showed up at BK’s house (who was married to PJ at the time) and I met BAKAA. (Blondie, also known as A) who was C2’s god-daughter. I obviously also met BK, PJ and STBTSA.

BK and C2 were friends, obviously close enough that C2 was named god father to BK’s daughter. So, over the course of the time I was with C2, BK was in and out of our life. But he was always PJ’s hubby, C2’s friend, and always ALWAYS considered off limits. I never paid much attention to him, well, never paid that kind of attention to him.

Several years into my relationship with C2 things changed between C2 and BK. BK just stopped coming around. He was never invited to any of the gang get togethers we had. He never dropped by just for the hell of it. He sort of just disappeared. C2 blamed it on the fact that he (C2) didn’t want to babysit BK any more. Every time we all got together there was drinking involved and BK tended to get really drunk, and the guys would have to take care of him. C2 claims he just didn’t want to do that any more. I couldn’t blame him, nor could I argue with him because I never had to ‘babysit’. I would later, much, much later, discover the real reason BK disappeared.

BK and PJ were the first to get married in the group of guys that included TBJ (twin brother J) BFE (Best Friend E) SFD (Sometime Friend D) and Spook. They were also the first to go to the Big D (Divorce) In fact, their divorce was final just before I married C2. (How’s that for irony?)

Fast forward from that point, several years, or flash back from this point several months and you get to Point C. Point C is point of confession. I was walking through the shop, factory, what have you, and happened to see BK working. So I stopped for a second and we talked. I don’t remember the whole conversation, it’s really kind of unimportant now. But there were several points made during that exchange that I do remember.
BK told me “I never could understand why you married C2, and I’m glad to know that you got out of that relationship.”
He told me that while he was married to PJ, and I was living with C2, apparently those two (PJ and C2) hooked up one night. Yes, I mean, hooked up. Did the naughty. Knocked boots. Bumped uglies. Whatever you want to call it. What Bk expected me to do with that knowledge is beyond me, because at that point it just simply didn’t matter. But it did explain why BK seemed to all of a sudden just disappear from our lives. It wasn’t because the guys didn’t want to baby sit him. Well, maybe it was. Once BK got started drinking, he was liable to tell me the truth, and the guys didn’t want me to know about it. Great bunch of guys they are.

But even at this point, nothing happened for me and BK. He was married to W2 (wife #2) and well, I couldn’t see him as anything other than C2’s friend. But we would talk on occasion. It wasn’t until my almost last day at work, when he saw me walking in the shop and started to walk with me, that things changed for us.
“So, Blondie, are you married yet?”“Hell no! Not even dating anyone.”
“Well, I’ll have to get your phone number. Maybe we can catch a movie some night.”
“Sure, why not. That would be fun.”

And that’s how it started. He called me that night, I was busy, couldn’t talk. I called him the next night, and we talked for a while. He found his way to my place and we talked all night. Just talked, about our past, our history, our kids, our ex’s, our jobs, everything under the sun.

That night he stopped being C2’s friend. That night, I saw him in a different light, with different eyes. He was no longer the person he used to be, but neither was I. He had changed, he had grown, he had matured, he had lived and learned. I had changed, I had grown, I had lived and learned too. While we may have shared a past, that wasn’t who we were, it isn’t who we are. We connected that night, a seed was planted and feelings sprouted that I never thought I’d feel.

It has been a beautiful wonderful 3 weeks for us. Love has bloomed in what we both thought was barren ground. We had both closed our hearts and minds to the idea of finding love again, and then, we found each other. Our families have blended to make one beautiful family with love in abundance. There is fun and laughter every night. I look at him and think “I would have never imagined I could make a life with you, and now, I can’t imagine my life without you.”


I’ve talked to BK.  Yes, he sees my side of the story, but now his brother, you know SWBTEYB, is pissed because I was ‘rude’ to him.  Uh, HELLO? Did you not take my son with you, leaving my apartment door completely UNLOCKED?

BK said ‘Well, you know SWBTEYB, he’s young and sometimes irresponsible.” Ok, fine, then he’s not taking my kid anywhere.  If you want to trust him with your kids that’s fine, he’s family to you.  If he’s not responsible enough to make sure my front door is locked before taking my son, I don’t think my son should be with him.  This is just flat out common sense people.  Why is everyone acting like this is no big deal?  Yes, nothing happened.  At least nothing that we know of.  Someone could have come by, discovered the unlocked door and went to get help, friends, and when they got back the boys were there.  We don’t know.   We got lucky.  But just because nothing did happen doesn’t mean nothing would have happened. It just means we got lucky.

Now, I will apologize to SWBTEYB for being rude to him, and short with him.  But I will not apologize for being upset. I have every right to be upset here. And if he can’t be more responsible about things, he’s not going to allowed to take my son anywhere with him. Period.  And if this causes problems with BK, well, then so be it. I’m standing my ground here, even if it costs me my relationship.  At least I will know early enough into it that he’s going to side with his family, right or wrong.  

Thursday, July 6, 2006

Boys will always be boys

Is it just me? Am I really over reacting here?  I don’t think I am, obviously.  This is going to get confusing so let me lay out the cast of characters before hand.

Bo: my son, 12 years old, (13 in October).
STBTSA: (soon to be teenage son A) BK’s son, also 12 but will be 13 in a matter of weeks
SWBTEYB (still wet behind the ears younger brother):BK’s brother, obviously STBTSA’s uncle, 20, not the most responsible kid in the world.

So, to set up the drama…STBTSA and SWBTEYB were coming by the apartment today to pick up Bo so that the 2 younger boys could hang out today while we, the parents, were at work.  I asked Bo to call me with they got there.   And he did.  Great.  Running through the parental check list…
Did you turn off the PS2?   YES
Turn off all the lights?  YES
Lock the door?  NO
Uh, excuse me? You did not lock the door?
No mom, I didn’t. I forgot.
Well, then go back and lock it.
I can’t
Like Hell, you go home.
I’m in the car. Mom, I can’t
Let me talk to SWBTEYB
No, Mom.
Uh, this is not a discussion, do it now.

Hi SWBTEYB, you need to go back to my place so Bo can lock the door.
Uh, can’t really do that, going to be late for my dentist appointment.
Uh, I’m sorry, not really my problem now is it?  My apartment can not be left unlocked. Take Bo home.

Um, Mom…the reason I didn’t lock the door is…I can’t find my keys.
Well, that’s a fine mess.  Guess you should have never left the apartment then should you?
Mom, that’s not fair.
Oh, but I’m not about being fair.  What’s fair is, you’re not responsible enough to keep track of 2 keys, you can’t be trusted enough to go out with your friends. SWBTEYB is taking you home, and unless you find your keys and lock my door, you are NOT leaving that apartment.

Of course, BK gets involved too, because I have no way to get a hold of SWBTEYB and STBTSA doesn’t recognize my work # on his phone so he won’t answer. And my brilliant but misguided son has either A) left his cell phone at home, or B) has it turned off on purpose to avoid talking to me, or C) is just ignoring me and not answering. (That’s 2 strikes against him)

BK unfortunately was put in the middle.  I was understandably upset with my son, but I was also upset with SWBTEYB for not having a bit more common sense about this and taking Bo with him even though the apartment was not locked up.  SWBTEYB was ‘hurt’ that I was less than nice to him when I talked to him on the phone.  OK, maybe he has a point there, but give me a break, where’s your common sense?  What 20 year old takes off leaving an apartment with 2 computers, 3 TV’s, 4 stereos, a PS2, and other misc. stuff in it completely unlocked?  Hello?  

When I went home at lunch to talk about this with Bo, he just wanted to argue and back talk me and couldn’t see that he had done anything wrong b/c nothing had been moved or stolen.  Hey, just because it didn’t happen doesn’t mean it couldn’t have happened.  

God, do they ever get common sense?  Do they ever get logic?  Do they ever start to think things through or do they just fly off the handle and fly by the seat of their pants all their life?  

Monday, July 3, 2006

Happy Birthday TO ME!!!!


My sister constantly amazes me with her wisdom.  Some of the simplest things she has ever said to me are most often the deepest and most profound.  

It’s no secret to anyone in my life, or to anyone who frequents this blog, that love has eluded me.  Ok, maybe not.  I have just made bad choices in the past, really bad choices.  I want to say that I’ve taken stock of my life, learned a few lessons, figured out the patterns.  I hope that’s true, but only time will tell.

She has told me things that I have held on to… things like ‘It is what it is. Nothing more, nothing less.’  To just accept all that he is, and don’t look for more, to accept all that I am and nothing more, and to accept all that we are together.  She has taught me to just be in the moment, and to not go looking for tomorrow or next week, or next year, just be right here, right now and be completely in the moment.  

BK and I have been together now a little over 2 weeks and it’s been wonderful.  I had my doubts at first, but he’s been wonderful, understanding my reservations and just being himself and the doubts have just disappeared.  I was worried for a while that our past would haunt me.  Not so much the mistakes we’ve made, but the reminders or memories of the people from our past.  When I realized the ‘ghosts’ from our past only existed in my head I could let them go and let myself enjoy the here and now, and enjoy just being with him.

He is so different from anyone I’ve ever loved.  I could go on and list all the wonderful things I love about him, the things that totally blow me away, but I don’t want to bore you.  Ok, well, maybe just a few.  He actually helps do the dishes, he helps cook dinner, he helps do the laundry.  He decided one night to take all of us to see a movie.  

But no matter how wonderful it is right now, and it’s supposed to be wonderful right now, it’s still new and exciting. The true test will come when the new wears off and this becomes real, and life sets in and the honeymoon’s over.  The test will come when the kids stop being ‘friends’ and start being ‘brothers and sisters’ and the fighting and arguing start.  The test will come when the kids start ‘marking territory’ (and we all know that will happen.)

He’s looking for a house to move into (he’s in a tiny duplex right now) and we were talking yesterday, we have 3 kids who right now really need their own room, with 1 more right on their tail.  Even though moving in together hasn’t been discussed, we are both pretty aware it’s a very real possibility in the future. We’re realistic, and we know there is no way we can afford a 6 bedroom house. But we know that is something we are going to have to find a way around somehow.  

Blended families are challenge enough, a ‘large’ blended family with teenagers is even more of a challenge.  And yet, we’re perfect together, all 7 of us, so we’ll have to find a way to make it work.  We know that we have visitation schedules to juggle and school schedules and work schedules to juggle.  None of this is going to come easy, and yet, we feel sure we can handle it.

It is what it is, nothing more, nothing less.  I may have found what I’ve always dreamed and hoped but never believed I’d find.  I never expected to find this here, with him, but here it is.  For today.