Monday, July 17, 2006

I learned something new

I learned something new about myself this weekend.  I don’t know if I’m jumping the gun, or being overly sensitive, but something BK said to me this weekend, really bothered me.

This was our first weekend without kids, and it wasn’t one of our better weekends.  We went out Saturday night with some friends of his, had dinner and then played cards.  That was a lot of fun.  There was alcohol involved, but nobody got drunk, just pleasantly happy and having a good time.  But with alcohol, inhibitions drop and things get said that probably wouldn’t normally get said.  We were all having fun poking fun at each other.  The problem was BK and I both know each other’s pasts and we know each other’s weaknesses and issues and hang ups and some of the things said Saturday night were unfair and unkind.  They were said in a joking manner, but they hit their marks none the less and they stung.  To be fair the jabs went both ways, we both took our shots.

The next day he came to me and wanted to talk about what had happened.  He knew that we were pulling away from each other, that walls had gone up, and the lines of communication had started to shut down.  Kuddos to him for reaching out and bringing it up first and dealing with it all head on, early, before it was too late.  

Part of the problem is, while we both understand and can see that we have both moved on from our past, we both still see each other with a tinge of the past still there.  I still see him as C2’s friend. He sees me as C2’s wife. But more than that, I say and do things that PJ or W2 would have said or done, and he reacts like he would with them.  Same goes for me.  He says and does things that C2 would say and do, and it reminds me of him.  I admitted to BK in the past that I was afraid that our past would be there to haunt us and we would never be free of them.  I was right, there they are.  Our issues from our past are there still.    

In the course of our several conversations this weekend he actually said the following

  • I love you with my whole heart. I have a girlfriend now, and I hope to for the rest of my life.

  • Marriage really isn’t important.  The person you’re with shouldn’t care what you do, well, they should to a certain extent. But there are boundaries that should never be crossed.  If she loves you, she doesn’t need a piece of paper or a commitment.  And you love her, then you won’t want to cross those boundaries.

  • You know, once I get my own place, here in the next week or two, then you and the kids can come stay up there with me every night.  

First of all, I don’t want to be someone’s girlfriend for the rest of our lives.  If he loves me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me, then he should love me enough to make a real commitment to me.  After all, he’s expecting some sort of commitment from me.

Second of all, a marriage is more than just a piece of paper.  It’s a real commitment to each other and to the relationship and the family.  I’m not saying he has to marry me, but I think if he wants to talk about forever, and the rest of our lives, then there should be something more there than just a girlfriend/boyfriend kind of thing.

Then there’s #3.  Ok, now, why would I want to drag my kids 15 miles out of town every night to spend the night at his house if I still have to work here?  Why would I spend every night at his place, when I have a place of my own where I still have to pay rent?  Why would I pay rent on an apartment if I wasn’t going to be living there at least some of the time, or even most of the time?  And how big of a fight are we going to have to go through on the nights I decide I don’t want to drive 15 miles completely out of my way to sleep there?  I can promise you, that could and probably will happen a lot once school starts again.  

I guess I’m just over thinking things. I’m not sure this is all I thought it would be. I think I got all caught up in the excitement of something new.  He tells me he loves me with his whole heart, but I’m not sure I love him.  I know I don’t love him that much.  After all, it is what it is, nothing more, nothing less.  It’s not a marriage, it’s not forever. I don’t think he’s The One.  I don’t think it’s forever.

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