Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Everything I thought I wanted, except him

Am I tired?  Is it my past?  Or, am I really just all of a sudden unhappy?  Have I been pretending and lying to myself, and now I can’t?  Or is it that we’re both starting to relax and let our guard down and our true selves are coming out, and there’s things about him that I didn’t like then, and still don’t like?  Is he from the same Good Ole Boy school of thought and he was raised enough like C2 that he reminds me of him and I don’t want to go back there?  Is he just young enough to still be too immature for me?  

Am I still being overly critical and overly sensitive? The thing is, I thought this was what I wanted, and maybe it still is, just not with him?  He’s here every single night, I have no time to myself.  I honestly don’t know if he’s here because he wants to be here or if he’s here just because he’s worried someone else will be if he’s not.  He spent three nights at his sister’s last week and he cried himself to sleep every night because he wasn’t here and he thought someone else was.  He has already assumed he’s going to visit my dad with us in September, except that I haven’t asked him if he wanted to go.  I want to go visit family in Kansas again, but I don’t want him to go.  

He says he doesn’t mind that I talk to my friends (male and female) but I should tell him when I talk to them, every single time I talk to them.  Well, I’m sorry, but I got an email from Boo today asking me if I remembered who his cable provider was, and did I have the phone number.  Ok, how is that even relevant?  And why should I have to tell BK about that email exchange?  I’m not hiding it, but why should I offer up the information?  It’s irrelevant.  

He was upset today because at my job I had to run over to a client’s office 4 times to help my boss.  I was on the clock and getting paid mileage, so it wasn’t a big deal, and it is part of my job, but he was like “Well, what does he think? You’re his personal bitch?”  

It’s just not working. I’m not happy. The thought of him being here again tonight is making me sick to my stomach and pissing me off.  I don’t want him here.  I need some time by myself.  Like maybe the rest of my life.  He was offering everything I thought I wanted, and yet it’s not enough because I don’t want it with him.  I don’t want him.  

Now, I have to find a way out of this.  I’m sorry, but the kids, his kids, are going to be so hurt.  So are mine, but I can’t put them before me.  I can’t stay miserable just to make them happy.  

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