Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Dear Ex Husband

When was the last time you actually had physical custody of your balls and your brain at the same time?

Your ex wife

I love a meeting of the minds when one person shows up completely unequiped

Newt has been invited to go to a theme park with one of her friends for friend’s birthday.  I have already said she could go.  After all, it would be a great day for Newt, it would also be a chance for Newt to actually go do something with her friends without sister.  A first for Newt.

Well, apparently, I didn’t read the divorce papers closely enough, because her father seems to think that somewhere in those papers (believe me, I’ve looked and looked, I can’t find it, neither can my lawyer) it says that I am not allowed to make ANY decisions regarding our daughters without clearing it with him first.  He on the other hand is allowed to dictate everything about their lives to me and does not have to clear any decisions with me at all.

So, just to prove he’s an asshole, and he can still control her life, he has said she can’t go to the theme park.  “Don’t want Newt going to six flags. I’ll pick both up at 5:00.” (she would be back from the trip no later than 7:00… but they were hoping to make it back by 5:00)  She will be at sitter’s at 5:00 If she ain’t there then I’ll have the cops get her. Court ordered.  Hey, call the cops on the friend’s parents.  I won’t be there. I will have dropped the girls off and will be on my way.  So drag the cops into this mess, and show Newt’s friends what an asshole you can be and all but guarantee she will never be invited anywhere else by anyone else ever again.  At 6 years old, that is pretty devastating.  I said No. You did not ask me if she could go. Maybe one of these days you’ll learn.  (yeah, the idiot went there, with me.  Just another shining example of the lack of intelligence I’m dealing with here.) Well, since I already gave my approval, and I have not in any way changed my mind, and this fiasco is his doing, I told him he had to call the friend’s mom and explain to her exactly why Newt wouldn’t go.  He said “Not my job. You told her without my permission. Your fault.”  (Oh hell yes, he dared to go there, and say that to me).  I told him I gave my permission, she still has my permission, I will not make the phone call and he can’t make me.

Then I get a voice mail from him telling me in no uncertain terms that I can no longer tell him what to do, that we are divorced and I should just get over it and stop trying to control him and tell him what to do.  OMG WTF is he talking about?  How is it I’m telling him anything?  He’s laying down the law and being a selfish bastard.  

I finally conceded.  But not without one last jab…. “Ok, you win. She’s not going tomorrow.”
Damn right she’s not.
Ok, but since I am not allowed to make any decisions regarding our daughters, and you refuse to accept any decisions I do make, then I suggest you find a sitter for the girls for next week, because our regular sitter is on vacation all next week.  Since I am completely incapable of making an intelligent decision regarding them, you’d better make that decision.  Good luck.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Timing is everything

Sometimes timing is great, sometimes timing sucks. Right now, timing sucks.

BK took us all to see Cars last night. Great movie BTW, kids and adults alike laughed our asses off all the way through. I'm beginning to think, Boo has radar b/c he called again, and sent a text message. I ignored it. Well, ok, I didn't ignore it, but I didn't respond. I let it go, hard as it was.

The cold hard honest truth is, Boo makes me question what I'm doing with BK. My sister says It's ok to have fun, just don't read anything into anything. It is what it is. The problem is, I don't know what it is, because Boo (and my residual, unresolved feelings for him) are clouding my judgement.

I know...I should just turn my back and forget about Boo. He's not everything I deserve, and he probably never will be. Better than I ever had still does not fill the void of all I deserve.

Yet, when I look at BK, and think about a future with BK, I have my doubts. I'm not sure I want it. But I'm not sure why I'm not sure. Are my doubts caused by BK, or are my doubts caused by Boo?

And not knowing anything for sure, is a great source for a lot of tears.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

OK, I know I could/should write about my first official date with BK, but I'm still savoring it, and not quite ready to put it out here, and have it disected (by me or someone else).

So, aside from the date, I do have other things going on (or not going on) in my life. I am still looking for a job. Yes, the week 'off' was nice, but the lack of a paycheck is going to bite me in the ass really soon, so Monday it's crunch time.

We had a rain/thunder/lightening storm Thursday afternoon, and before I could get home to shut down my PC, lightening struck close by. Close enough that it fried my ethernet connection/modem and sizzled internal parts of my pc tower. It's acting all wonky now and it really pisses me off. I am currently using an old tower from my previous PC, and it's just a smidge better than the wonky fried one. AARRGGGHHHH!!! Frustration abounds on that front. I do have an IT friend coming by Monday after work to look at it and tell me what he thinks it will take to fix it. (Christ, I'm hoping for a miracle, a FREE miracle.)

Boo happened to chose Thursday night (Date Night with BK) to call and 'check up' on me to see how I'm doing. I think he was home alone, and bored, and maybe a part of him missed me. Doesn't matter, I didn't answer his phone call or his text message. I did call his voice mail at work the next morning and told him "I got your message, sorry I missed your call. All is well in my world, hope all is well in yours. Talk to you later."

I will admit that it was hard to be so distant, but I also know it was the right thing to do. I did call Ladi Bug and talk to her. I told her, I may have found what I've been looking for, but I don't know. The problem is, it's what I wanted, but not who I wanted it with. If I could have found this with Boo, it would have been perfect. (I know that sounds bad, I just don't know how to put it in the right words so it doesn't sound that bad). I know that if I tell Boo about BK, he will tell me he's really happy for me, and this is what I deserve, and he's glad I found it because he would never be able to give it to me. But I don't want him to be happy for me. I want him to be hurt, and disappointed and sad and angry that he missed his chance and I want him to miss me, and tell me he's sorry he realized it too late.

Oh well, enough of life in dreamland. I know none of that will ever happen. Back to reality, which includes dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be washed/dried/folded and put away.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Good Enough? It is what it is

What exactly is good enough for me? I asked my sister that just last night. It's something I have always struggled with, and she seems to always have the answers, so I asked. What is her idea of good enough for me? Her answer? Absolutely nothing less than everything you have ever wanted or dreamed of.

Great. That's not an aswer, because I have never wanted or dreamed of anything. There is a new person in my life. Period. He's been around for a week now, and it's been a great week, a fun week. That's all it is. I wasn't looking for this, I wasn't looking for anything. I almost turned him down, when he asked for my phone number, except something inside said WTH, why not. I don't regret it.

The downside of this is nothing from him. It's facing my sister knowing she's going to think "Here we go again." It's almost like I'm supposed to be alone because everyone I've ever decided to be with is wrong for me, and this one is no different. I almost turned him down, because I didn't want to go to my sister again and say "Hey I'm seeing BK and right now it's pretty cool, it's a lot of fun." only to have her tell me, yet again, 'You're wasting your time. You deserve so much better than this.' It's having to hear her say "You know, some people never get it. Some people never learn. They just continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. Wrong is wrong, no matter what it looks like."

I sat there with BK last night, and I told him, this past week has been really nice, really easy, really comfortable. He's been around every night this week, after work, he picks up his kids and they all come over for the evening, and they all go home every night. It's almost been too easy, too comfortable. I never thought I could have this with him. I never really thought I could have this at all.

It is what it is. Period. It has been just a week. It has been a wonderful week. It's been fun, it's been easy, it's been comfortable. His kids kiss and hug me hello and goodbye every day. They tell me they love me. My girls hugged BK goodbye Tuesday night. And for the few of you who know my girls, you will know that is HUGE. Especially from Newt. I didn't aske them to, they hugged him on their own, and that spoke volumes to me.

I guess I need to see what I have, versus what I want. I have a great guy, who shares an unplesant history with me. Our history together was not unpleasant. Both of our histories were unpleasant and at some point in the past the histories overlapped. He's a great single dad to his 2 kids (who are incredibly close in age to mine). He hasn't said "Don't fall in love with me", nor has he put any limitations or expectations on the future. He talks to me about everything, and is completely honest about everything. It's important to him that his family accept me and my kids. He's great with the girls, understanding that they need time to accept him, and his kids, and he's giving them time and space. He understand they have a father, and he will never replace him.

The 'ghosts' from our past I know, were only in my head, and I had to decide if I was going to let them haunt me or not. They are in our past, and should have no bearing on our furture. I had to find a way to let them go. They were my issues, and I need to find a way to move past them. I don't question what we have found right now. My problem with this is the past and I know I have to let it go. The ghosts don't haunt me nearly as much, if at all, as they did a week ago.

Just relax, enjoy this for what it is. Maybe a summer fling, maybe a great friendship, maybe more, maybe less. I don't know, but I know this much, I'm not going to weigh and measure everything he says and does, looking for something deeper, more meaningful behind it. Just Nestea plunge it.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The past seems to be a recuring theme in my life these days

Seems like the past is destined to repeat itself in the life of my children. I am currently on a mini-vacay, enjoying a couple of days off while searching for new employment. That means the girls get to stay home with me. We all love a girls day now and then.

So, Tate comes up to me today, with her Student Dictionary, "Look Mom, Look what word I found in the dictionary!" Oh, the memories that sentance conjured up. Times spent looking up all the 'dirty' words we could think off to see if they were actually in the dictionary. Oh the fun of inocent childhood.

And what word had my daughter looked up in the dictionary? Naked. Pretty tame by today's standards, but I know it's only the beginning. Wonder what will be next?

The future is not always conformable with the past

I have reached a decision in regards to X and my daughters.  I know that in the most extreme case I could absolutely insist that he have ZERO contact with my girls, that is well within my right.  But I know that doing that would devastate the girls, hurt X and the family would feel attacked.  The truth is, I don’t know the full story, I don’t know all the facts, and I don’t believe that my girls are in any imminent danger.  So, as a compromise, I have decided that X will only be allowed supervised contact with my daughters.  I know that in the past it is very rare that he has ever been alone with them, so this decision will not feel or sound like an attack.  It is an easily agreed upon compromise for everyone.

I have other news, on the personal relationship front, but I’m not sure exactly how to bring it up and how I want to write about it.  It’s just so surprising to me, and I could have never predicted this at all.  

A person from my past life, who is no longer a part of that life, has resurfaced in my life, in a completely new and different way from before.  We knew each other when I was married. In fact, he was friends with C2 when we met.  BK was married and already had his 2 kids.  In fact C2 is the godfather to BK’s daughter.  Back in the day though, BK and I had our moments, but for the most part, didn’t really get along.  

Turns out BK worked at this last gig I had, and we would occasionally run into each other.  We would talk for a few minutes, mainly about his kids, or my kids.  He had long since divorced his kids’ mother, and had moved on to other relationships.   He had long ago moved out of the past life, no longer a friend to C2 (for reasons I would discover later), had turned his back on that life and moved ahead to make a new life for himself and his kids.

My last day at my job, he happened to catch up with me at work and just joking around asked me “So, are you remarried yet?”  
Oh hell no.  I’m not even dating anyone.  
Well, can I get your phone number; maybe we could get the kids together this summer.
Sure, we could do that.

I gave him my phone number, and he called that night.  We talked for a while, and eventually he and his son came over to my place.  I was still really gun shy, because this is the guy from my past life who wasn’t always my favorite guy to be around.  I know way too much about his life back then because he liked to talk, and tell stories.  He was a kiss and tell kind of guy.  But talking to him Friday night, I saw a new BK, a different, more mature BK.  This guy is all about his kids, being a great dad, putting the kids first.  He’s grown up, he’s matured, and he’s changed.  He’s been hurt a lot and he’s gun shy and he’s looking to protect himself and his kids from being hurt again.  We talked for hours that night, just talked, trying to avoid the pitfalls of the past, but knowing we may have to go back and revisit those ghosts on occasion.  

Somewhere along the way, things have changed.  We’ve spent time together every day since that night.  Not whole days, but we’ve seen each other every day since Friday. The cool thing about this is, when we’re together, we just hang out.  I could have never predicted this a year ago, a month ago, hell a week ago.  If someone had told me that BK and I would be spending time together like we are I would have called them a liar.  This was just so completely out of left field, so completely unplanned.  And yet, it’s easy and comfortable.  We both know where the other one has been.  He knows what my life was like with C2 because he watched it.  He knows the games that C2 played, how cruel and abusive he was.  It surprises both of us how easy this is how comfortable this is.  We are taking this very very slow.  Between the 2 of us we have 5 kids to consider.  Sometimes though, if we think about and talk about the past too much, it gets hard for me to separate the past from now, and it kind of wigs me out that I’m spending time with him.  But then I realize this is now, and that was then, and things are different now.

I don’t know where this is going, and for once, I’m not over analyzing things. I am just taking it one day at a time, and enjoying whatever happens.   He is actually taking me on a ‘real and proper’ date Thursday.  He will come by and pick me up, take me to dinner, and whatever else he has planned.  He told me he wants to take things slowly, to prove to me that he’s different now.  C2 always thought all of his friends wanted me, wanted to have sex with me, and BK wants to prove to me that he’s not like that.  Yeah, maybe he’s just feeding me a line, lulling me into a false sense of security.  But maybe he’s not.  

This is definitely different than anything I’ve had in the past.  It’s totally different than anything I would have expected with BK, but then again, I would never have expected to have anything with BK in the first place.

My philosophy professor once told me “The future is not always conformable with the past.”  Just because it was always that way in the past, it doesn’t have to always be that way in the future.  Things change, people change, and not always in the way we would have expected.  

Monday, June 19, 2006

Paying it forward for Father's Day

It is no secret that the girls' dad and I just don't get along. We don't see eye to eye on anything. He's still in love with me, I barely tolerate him. He still holds out hope that we will be together again someday. I know that hell will freeze over first.

But I was having a momentary lapse in judgment and feeling rather generous for Father's Day. The girls have the opportunity to get me something from the school store for Mother's Day, no such luck for Father's Day.

So, I thought, for next to nothing I can give him pictures of the girls that I took. Yes, there were alternative motives involved. I could pay karma forward. I do this for him, and karma sends me a great paying wonderfully fun job in the next day or two. There is a great deal of vindictive satisfaction in knowing that 2 of my great pictures of our beautiful daughters will be in their house and every time she looks at them she'll know I gave them to him.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

I didn't really know you at all

I got some disturbing news late last week.  It seems that a person from my past life, who still happens to be in my children’s life, has crossed a line I never thought they could/would cross.

Now, I only have sketchy details at best and I only have 1 side of the story.  To make a long story short, X touched his teenage step-daughter inappropriately.  TD (teenage daughter) is making some serious allegations, and apparently charges have been filed (2 counts).  X admits to 1 touch.  The allegations are much more serious, and the truth will eventually come out, in court.

I was given this news by C2 because the girls know this person and have had considerable contact with this person in the past.  The news in and of itself is a lot to digest and deal with.  I mean, in the 11 years I’ve known X I would never believe he could do this to anyone, let alone TD.  So, while I’m sure my girls are not in any danger from this person, it’s really hard to know what’s true. After all, I never thought TD was in danger from him either.

So, when in a time of crisis, I went to my sister.   I told her the basics of what I know.  I was given this little ‘gem’ of information, and I was pondering what exactly do I do with it?  A part of me says... “File this away and watch the girls, be ever vigilant, be watchful, and question, question, question them, but don’t scare them.”  Another part of me hears this story and wonders “Can I use this to strike back at the family?”  Yes, that’s ugly, yes that’s terribly hard to admit, but it’s an honest true statement.  

The sad truth is, the family is circling wagons around X and blaming TD.   They are pointing the fingers at TD saying she’s been a problem child, she’s been running wild, and she’s rebelling and has found the perfect way to cause the most damage, pain and suffering to X.  The family still has a hard time accepting reality, and the reality is regardless of the severity, X DID touch (and admits to it) his TD inappropriately.  What he did, was wrong.  It is not TD’s fault this happened, this is squarely on X’s shoulders.  He crossed a line that should never have been crossed.

Like my sister said, “They have a right to protect their own, like you have a right to protect your own.”  I want to know, how exactly do you protect someone who touches his own daughter inappropriately?  How do you not just turn your back on the offender?  There is nothing he can say to justify what he did.  There is no way he can spin this to make it OK, because, it’s not ok.  

The fact that this family can circle the wagons, so to speak, around X and protect him, and continue to blame TD (the victim) and smear her name to everyone who will listen (TD is part of this family, but apparently it’s ok to throw her under the bus if it will save X), proves to me something I have always known.  This family just doesn’t know how to live in this place the rest of us like to call reality.  The family believes they are better than everyone else and that they are above the natural laws of man.  The laws of society don’t apply to them.  What a rude awakening to realize one son is an abuser, and the other is a child molester.   They both abuse the very people they claim to love.  One uses his fists, one uses sex.
It’s a sad situation that will be even more so, and will get worse before it’s over.  I’m not sure it will ever get better.  

Isn’t it strange how you can ‘know’ someone for 11 years, and then find out maybe you didn’t know them at all.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

My time has come

I got the phone call yesterday, after work.  The temporary gig I’ve been working at was coming to an end. Friday will be my last day here.  I’ve been here since August, 10 months exactly, on Friday.

I’m not worried about a job. They have till Friday to find me a new gig, which has never been a problem.  Even if they don’t find a gig by Friday they will shortly thereafter and a few days home with my kids would be wonderful.  A great chance to take a bagillion pictures, feed my habit.  

I heard the news with mixed feelings.  Sadness to be leaving a place I had come to feel was ‘home’ and the people I had become friends with.  I have made some very good friends here, and I will miss them dearly.  There was also a feeling of excitement to think I’ll be facing a new challenge, meeting new people, possibly making new friends at a new place next week.  I know that everything happens for a reason, and I’m sure there are bigger better things on the horizon for me.  My time here is done.

Of course, my first thoughts went to Boo.  I won’t get to see Boo every day.  I accepted that thought with mixed feelings too.  It’s sad that I won’t see him every day.  I’ll miss that, I’ll miss knowing he’s here; I’ll miss watching him, seeing him, chatting with him every day.  It’s good too, because now I’ll be able to let him go, move on, get him out of my heart.  And if we’re really friends like he claims, then my place of employment won’t matter.

I had to come to work today, and I wanted to tell him myself. Yes, I would have liked to tell him in person, but I couldn’t.  We never have time to talk face to face at work. So it had to be via IM’s.

Me:     good morning
Boo:     morning
Me:     I just thought I'd tell you before you heard it from everyone else... Friday is my last day
Boo:     WHAT?????????
Me:     yeah...Friday is it for me
Boo:     why
Me:     Said they don't need me any more. I got everything caught up
Boo:     when did they tell u that
Me:     I got the phone call last night after work
Boo:     from who
Me:     the temp agency I work for. This really was just a long term temp gig
Boo:     Oh my god I'm sorry Boo
Me:     It's all good babe. I’ll bounce
Boo:     what u going to do
Me:     They'll find me something else by Friday. Not a problem

I could have cried, he was so wonderful.  I was even Boo again, and I haven’t been Boo since we broke up.  I don’t want to cry, I don’t want this to be sad.  

So, I have 4 working days left here.  The official announcement will be made later today to let the department know.  That’s going to be tough, but like I told Boo…I’ll bounce.  I’ll be fine.

Friday, June 9, 2006

A new idea

Ok, I’m going to go out on a limb here, and step a bit outside my comfort zone.  It’s no secret that my divorce has been final for 2 years (almost) and I’m still single.  While there is nothing wrong with that, and I’m sure I needed to be single for a while, it’s still sometimes rather boring and lonely.

It is also no secret that the guys I chose to date are always the wrong guys.  Won’t commit, treat me badly.  They aren’t bad guys; they are just the wrong guys, wrong for me.  When it comes to men I am apparently clueless.

So, I have been thinking, who knows me better than anyone else in the world?  My family.  They know who I am, what I like, what my life is like, and they have never really approved of any of the guys I have dated.  Why not let them pick guys they would approve of, and guys they think I might like, or I have a lot in common with.  Why not let my sister, or my mom, fix me up on a blind date with guys they know.   They obviously can’t do any worse than I have done, and so I really have nothing to lose there.  They just might find me a great guy that I would never have met otherwise.

So, family, here’s your mission, should you chose to accept it.  Find me a guy you think I might be happy with.  I am not looking for a husband, but I am looking to date a good guy, and a guy who’s good for me, good to me.  With all your friends and connections everywhere, it shouldn’t be much of a challenge.  I am asking you to find me the kind of guy you think I should be with.

I am willing to go on a date with said guys and give this an honest, open minded try.  I really have nothing to lose, and who knows what I will gain.

Monday, June 5, 2006

Just a friendly reminder

This is just a friendly little reminder that my birthday is just 4 weeks from today, and it's never too early to start shopping for my birthday presents. (and I do want presents..lots and lots of presents). Don't let the day sneek up on you... start shopping early, shop often and buy lots!!!

Sunday, June 4, 2006

Dear Ex Husband

It is just like you to screw up everyone's plans just because you're throwing a temper tantrum because you didn't get your way. You think that you are punishing me, but you're not, you're making the girls suffer and punishing them because you're pouting.

I told you I might be able to take the girls all night tonight after the birthday party, but at the time you asked me, you weren't sure you would need me to and I wasn't sure I would be able to. So, when it came right down to it, I was unable to reschedule things, and I am not able to keep them overnight (It is after all your weekend). So, because of this, you are once again throwing your ass in the air and being a prick, which is your nature. Now, because I can't keep the overnight (Can't take them to my 7:00 meeting, can't drop them off at the sitters) they can't go to their cousin's birthday party. So, they are being made to suffer and so is their cousin, all because you're an insensitive ass. You think that by doing this, you're hurting me. I got news for you, I am so used to you fucking up things in my life it no longer hurts or even bothers me. I've been dealing with the messes you create in my life for 11 years now, this is nothing new. In fact I just plan on it.

You're fucking selfish attitude, the fact that you are a FUCKING ASSHOLE will now cause my daughters to miss a birthday party. We can just add this to the list of things your ass has caused them to miss. First on that list is the fact that Tate is not enrolled in summer school even though she desperately needed to go. But you had to try and control things, jump in where you were not wanted or needed, and you showed your ass and your stupidity and now she's suffering. Not my fault, I was taking care of it. You got pissed off and fucked it all up for her and here we are.

Do you not see a Pattern going on here? You seem to think that you're making me hurt and making me suffer, when it reality it's the girls who have to pay the price and you don't get it. It is your fault she's not in summer school, and it's your fault they are not going to the party this afternoon. And yet you seem to think I'm somehow to blame? I was trying to get her into summer school, I was taking them to the party, you are the one who put a stop to both. So, how is any of this my fault?

And how fucking dare you jump all over my case because I supposedly changed my mind? I fucking remember a trip to Daytona where you said you would keep the girls Fri/Sat/Sun/Monday night. The VERY DAY I left for Daytona you changed your mind and said 'I'm not taking them Monday night. You can get your ass back here in time to take your kids and be a mother to them.' Fuck you buddy, I did get my ass back here, even though it did mean driving 17 straight hours to do it. But you changed your mind and it fucked up my plans but you know, I'm so fucking used to that by now. I've been dealing with you and your fucking attitude and callousness for 11 years.

As if I needed yet another reason why I hate you!!!! The reasons are unnumerable, and yet it never fails, almost daily I am reminded yet again why I left you and why I hate you. I can no longer remember why or if I ever liked you, let alone loved you. Because I can find none of those feeling now. They are dead and gone. I just wish you were too.

Friday, June 2, 2006

I know what I have to do now

I never knew he could be such an insensitive uncaring callous asshole. I keep looking back at our time together trying to find clues that this person that he’s become existed then and I can’t. I can’t find where I missed any clues that this was coming. He’s totally blindsided me.

He thinks that he can just pick up where he left off, because to him this is just a casual sex kind of thing. Only this time around he doesn’t have to be concerned about manners or respect. Although respect is actually kind of funny, because I’m sure there was none before, why would I expect there to be any now?

Is it me, or is it just wrong and kind of weird to set your ex up with one of your friends? And I guess ‘ex’ is stretching it a bit, because that would imply that we actually had a relationship, and I’m finding out, we probably didn’t. But telling JM that “we’re no longer together, you should ask her out” is the like saying, “Hey I f@*ked her, but I’m done, you should have a go at it.” He certainly didn’t ask me if I was interested in JM (I am OMI God most certainly not) but thought it was ok to give JM the green light? That’s just wrong. Exactly what thought process do you have to go through to get to the point that that is ok, even a little? Because I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

A few weeks ago, I got tickets to see a comedy show at one of the local night clubs in our area. At the time, we were still getting along really well, doing great being friends, and so I invited him to go. There was to be a bunch of us going, so it wouldn’t be a date, it would be a group thing. He said “we’ll see”, but earlier this week he was talking like he was going for sure. But with him, you never know, so I thought I’d better check with him before leaving work.

Me: are you going tonight?
Boo: I'm not sure I’ll call you
Me: whatever
Boo: again with the whatever
Boo: ok whatever
Me: what do you want me to say?
Me: we have to be there by 7:15
Boo: you invited me a while back and I told you that I will see...I said you guys go and I will catch up if I end up in Columbia...
Boo: no I’m not going that early
Me: then you're not going
Boo: if I go to Columbia I’m going around 10 or 11
Me: then you'll miss the whole show and party
Boo: I’m going to meet Joe around 9:30 at his house
Boo: I’m not going to the show
Me: then you're not going with us.
Me: so I won't see you tonight (to give you your stuff)
Boo: if I go I’ll just go to the club
Boo: I might not see you tonight no..
Me: no, you won't see me tonight
Boo: I don't know
Me: I do, you won’t
Boo: ok then you know more than me

He couldn’t understand that I was telling him, I would not be available to see him tonight if he wasn’t at the comedy show with us. He made it clear he wasn’t going to the comedy show, so it was clear to me he wouldn’t see me. It just really pisses me off that he thinks he can just pick up where he left off. Nothing has changed for him, and everything has changed for me. Earlier today he said he’d get his stuff from me tonight or tomorrow sometime. He just assumed he’d see me tonight or tomorrow.

Tonight after work, a bunch of people from work got together at the Winery for a going away celebration for a co-worker who was leaving us. I was invited, by a good friend DG. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go, but since he invited me, and offered to buy the first drink, I thought why not? It will be good to be seen at an after hours function by some of the higher ups. One quick drink, no problem, a little smoozing, and then I’ll leave. Put in some good face time.

Then I found out He was going to be there. Well, then, I really didn’t want to go then. The last thing I wanted to do was see him smoozing with everyone and I have to pretend to ignore him. and it seems when I’m around he smoozes even more, making a big deal out of announcing his plans, well within ear shot of me, so that I know he’s so over me. Great, like I want to deal with that. But… DG did invite me, and I’m not going to let Him chase me away or prevent me from doing a bit of smoozing of my own. I have to let him know he doesn’t bother me (even though he does) and I’m not afraid to go where I know he’ll be. I am not going to avoid him, at any cost. So, I went. I had one beer, talked to several people, and watched him smooze the people around him, in his lime green button down shirt, looking vaguely like Andy Garcia. Yes, it tugged at my heart, a lot, because I’ll admit he looked damn good, but I never let on. I walked right by him twice, never looking his direction, never stopping to say Hi.

There’s really no point in blaming him, it won’t get me anywhere, it won’t solve anything. I know what I have to do. I know what needs to be done. It’s time to be completely done with him. It’s time to say No more. No more chats on Sametime, no more phone calls, no more IM’s at night, no more.

I don’t know who this person is, because this is not the person I know. I don’t like this guy at all. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know what tripped what trigger to cause this, but I know I don’t have to stand for it. I know that I don’t have to allow it. I know that It’s time to say Goodbye. Breaks over, everything is over. We can’t be friends, not like this. It’s time to let go, let it all go. Don’t look back, just let it go, and walk away.

Thursday, June 1, 2006

I'm healing, slowly but surely

I don't know, but somehow things are different this time. I think I may have actually learned some lessons from the past. It was very healing to go home to Ks even if only for the weekend. I could totally relax and be me and not have him or the drama or the confusion or the pain to contend with. It was like when I left Jeff city, I left him and all the residue of him behind. I somehow got a chance to heal. Not just me, but I worked hard on healing some old wounds and broken bridges with family.

When I shut Dad out for so long, I shut out his family too, not because I was mad at them, I just didn't want to drag them into the middle of our drama and didn't want them to feel as if they had to chose sides, so I just stayed away, and kept them out of things. I had to go make things right with them again, whether they realized it or not, I needed to reconnect with them and heal that emptiness in me.

It was hard to walk away from him last night. Especially when he held me in his arms, kissed me and whispered "Babe, please stay. I want you too." I had wanted to hear those words for so long now, and there they were. But I knew staying would be a lie. I would feel loved without being loved.

The only reason I went to his house at all, was because I was hoping against all odds that he thought things through and he wanted to try a real relationship. I was hoping he would tell me he missed me and wanted to try dating, really dating. I know, stupid foolish hope, but what can I say? I knew he wouldn't, but I hoped anyway.

And when it wasn't there, when he didn't come through for me, I couldn't stay. It would only drag me back down and under again, after I had fought so hard to get out from there. I was proud and I was shattered all at the same time.

It was what it was, and it was never enough. It still isn't, and probably never will be. I just have to accept that and move on. No matter how hard it is to do.

Just a few pictures from this weekend

Not very many, but a few pictures from this weekend. Enjoy

This is why

We have a winner! I knew this would happen, I was so absolutely sure it would happen. I know him well enough to know that it would happen. What I didn’t know for sure was how I’d react when it did.

This weekend was really freeing for me, I left all my memories and drama, confusion and pain and aching behind me when I went to visit my family. Being with them, enjoying the company was healing for me. I found strength again and myself. I didn’t talk to him the whole time, and I didn’t miss him. I found a way to let him go and move on.

I usually sign into our inner-office IM program every morning when I come in. The only person I chat with on there is Boo, and I really didn’t see the point. He’s been gone 4 days, so I knew he would be busy, and really, I didn’t expect to talk to him anyway. He’s been distant and silent for so long I didn’t hear to hear from him, and I certainly was not going to initiate the conversation.

He walked through our department (totally unnecessary) but he was just checking to see if I was here. At 9:30, I got the following email from him: today is the first day you’re not on sametime...
So, I signed in to our IM program. Soon as I did, he popped up. Here’s some of our conversation……

Boo I didn't think u were here today

Me you know I am

Boo I didn't see at sametime

Me I wasn't signed on this morning

Boo or u didn't want me to see you online

So, he’s still checking on me, still checking every day to see if I’m here. Then (and I won’t bore you with the actual conversation) he went on to tell me he was going out to dinner with the guys. But see, it was Wednesday, and he knows I don’t have kids on Wednesday, and now, mama is back in VA with his brother. He just assumed we’d pick up where we left off, breaks over. Nothing had changed for him, because there was nothing there to change. But in the past few weeks, everything has changed for me.

A few weeks ago, hell, a few days ago, I was still hoping and praying that this day would come, and I knew that it would. His mom is gone, and well, it’s safe to hang out with me again. Before this weekend, I probably would have jumped at the chance to reconnect with him again. But family worked its magic on my heart this weekend, and healed it, and showed me what I could have, what I should have, and he can’t give that to me. What I should have, could have is worth waiting for, and I shouldn’t settle for less.

Boo I’m going to dinner with the boys tonight but I won't get 2 drunk. If I do I will call u to come pick me up

Me if you're too drunk to drive, you'll be too drunk to do anything. Why would I come pick you up?

Boo so u can be nice and save my life and I won't be 2 drunk tonight

Me because friends don't let friends drive drunk?

Boo that's why u need to come and pick me up

Me alright, I'll pick you up if you can't drive home

Boo thank u.................

Me yeah, yeah, can't have you wrecking the 4 runner while you're trying to sell it.

Boo also I have something for u at home

He just assumed he could pick up where he left off, that he’d call me on his way home, and I’d meet him at his house. He wasn’t far wrong. He did call, I did go meet him at his house, but only because he said he had something for me, and we’re trying to be friends. I went with that in my mind, we’re friends. But I was already kind of miffed that he just assumed everything would pick up where he left it laying. Guess he couldn’t see the shattered mess that was my heart, and he couldn’t see newly healed cracks and scars on my heart.

It was almost a wasted trip. What he had for me at the house was a coffee mug from West VA, that he bought at a gas station as an afterthought; because he once again left the plate behind that he bought for me on an earlier trip. I almost laughed, except that he thought of me, and bought me something, which is more than I did for him.

But then he just assumed I’d spend the night with him. And oh god I wanted to. The thought of sleeping next to him all night, wrapped in his arms, a tangled jumble of arms, legs and blankets was almost more than I could resist. I knew I could curl into him and he’d hold me all night, and I could feel safe and I could feel loved, even if I wasn’t. But that was the problem, I could feel loved even though I wasn’t loved, and I want to feel loved because I am loved.

Boo: Where are you going?

Me: Home

Boo: You don’t have to

Me: Yes, I do

Boo: No, I want you to stay

Me: I thought we were done with this

Boo: Babe, it’s raining outside

Me: It was raining when I got here

Boo: I don’t want you to have a wreck

Me: I didn’t wreck on the way here

Boo: I don’t want you to go

Me: I can’t stay.

I left, I kissed him goodbye, and I walked out of his house, with him standing behind me calling for me “Babe, please stay” and knowing I couldn’t stay. No matter how much I wanted to, no matter how much my heart was breaking, again, to walk away, I couldn’t stay.

Even now, I have a sort of clarity when it comes to him that I didn’t have before. I am starting to realize I probably didn’t know him at all, which just clears away more smoke and mirrors from the illusion I was living with.

He has apparently told one of the guys here at work (a different dept) that we’re no longer together and that he JM should ask me out. First of all, I don’t think Boo is in any position to be handing out dating advice when it comes to me. His judgment is flawed and questionable at best, after all he did break up with me.

This new guy, JM is sending me emails, and frankly they’re kind of creepy. He’s talking about how he used to go home and chase his camel, until things got really rough a few years back, and then he had to eat the camel. Then his dog froze to death and his cat burned up in the house. We won’t even get into the things we told me about the hamster. He’s freaking me out. I told Boo, look, I thought we were friends, but friends don’t do this to each other, and proceeded to tell him about the emails. Boo started laughing at all of this, and that pissed me off. It’s not funny; this guy is a serial-killer-in-training.

Me Thanks a whole lot.

Boo lol welcome babe anything to help you

Me I don't need this kind of help.

Boo I m going to call him and tell him that your shy and would love to go out with him

Me I'll tell him you have a not so secret crush on him and you're using me to feel him out and see if you stand a chance with him.

Boo hahahaha

Boo he said hi by the way and you don't have to be shy what ever you cook he will eat

Me Oh trust me I won't be the least bit shy when I tell him the truth....that you have a huge man crush on him and then start telling him some of the fantasies you've told me you've had about the 2 of you....

Me so how are you at cooking camel?

Boo lolol never cooked camel before

Me might want to learn, heard he likes it. You told him we were no longer together and he should ask me out. Now I've got a serial killer in training emailing me every day. It really not a pleasant position to be in. It's really kind of scary

Boo he is not a serial killer. He is so cool, you would love just listen to him

Me He's a freak and a nut job and no I wouldn't love anything. I AM NOT interested in him. Never have been never will be.

Boo he is so sweet

Me then you fucking date him

Boo I gave up on sex

Me I didn't like him before and now I'm scared to death of him. I gave up on men. I would never go to him and say anything, but damn, I've got a nut job emailing me 15-20 times a day freaking me out.

Boo is he

Me yeah

Boo hahaha poor guy in love

Me laugh it up, you don't have a psycho chasing you.

Boo he is not a psycho........ He just wants to get laid

Me you think this is funny, I think it's scary. And I don't care what he's trying to do; he's not getting laid with me. You know what, forget it. You think this is all fun and games, but I don't. You'll just sit there and laugh about it. I'll handle it myself. Don’t do me any more favors, ok, I don't need you finding me any more dates.

Boo fine fine. How about Gaved

Me no

Boo how about ................not sure who

Me how about nobody, I like nobody.

Boo ok sounds good. I’ll stop

Me nobody is safe, nobody can be trusted

Boo and I will tell him not to email u anymore

Me I just told him, "Apparently I'm a psycho magnet, and I'm tired of all the weirdoes crawling out of the wood work, so I've given up on dating for a while...a long while."

Boo so he thinks I’m a psycho now

Me It's better than having him think you have a crush on him

Boo true

Me so, you'll stop trying to fix me up? I'm fine with my life the way it is

Boo hey it's your life live it the way u want it

Me then stop messing around with it

Boo I will

Me thank you

I don’t know who this ‘Boo’ is, but I do know I don’t like him. He was never this cold and cruel and insensitive before. But I wonder if maybe he was and I just didn’t see it, or just chose to ignore it. Maybe there were times he would rub the wrong way and I would just blow it off figuring it wasn’t worth starting a fight over. Now I see I was wearing rose colored glasses trying to make something work that was so very very wrong. I was selling myself out just to have someone in my life. I was settling for so much less than I deserved.

I’m sure he wasn’t a mistake, I’m learning so much from this. I’m learning that the lessons I’ve learned before are still there and I recognize the pattern so much sooner now than I did before. I’m more able and willing to break things off sooner too, instead of staying in a bad relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

I’m sad that he’s not who I thought he was. I miss the guy who I thought was my friend. I don’t know what happened to him. Maybe he never really existed at all.