Thursday, June 1, 2006

This is why

We have a winner! I knew this would happen, I was so absolutely sure it would happen. I know him well enough to know that it would happen. What I didn’t know for sure was how I’d react when it did.

This weekend was really freeing for me, I left all my memories and drama, confusion and pain and aching behind me when I went to visit my family. Being with them, enjoying the company was healing for me. I found strength again and myself. I didn’t talk to him the whole time, and I didn’t miss him. I found a way to let him go and move on.

I usually sign into our inner-office IM program every morning when I come in. The only person I chat with on there is Boo, and I really didn’t see the point. He’s been gone 4 days, so I knew he would be busy, and really, I didn’t expect to talk to him anyway. He’s been distant and silent for so long I didn’t hear to hear from him, and I certainly was not going to initiate the conversation.

He walked through our department (totally unnecessary) but he was just checking to see if I was here. At 9:30, I got the following email from him: today is the first day you’re not on sametime...
So, I signed in to our IM program. Soon as I did, he popped up. Here’s some of our conversation……

Boo I didn't think u were here today

Me you know I am

Boo I didn't see at sametime

Me I wasn't signed on this morning

Boo or u didn't want me to see you online

So, he’s still checking on me, still checking every day to see if I’m here. Then (and I won’t bore you with the actual conversation) he went on to tell me he was going out to dinner with the guys. But see, it was Wednesday, and he knows I don’t have kids on Wednesday, and now, mama is back in VA with his brother. He just assumed we’d pick up where we left off, breaks over. Nothing had changed for him, because there was nothing there to change. But in the past few weeks, everything has changed for me.

A few weeks ago, hell, a few days ago, I was still hoping and praying that this day would come, and I knew that it would. His mom is gone, and well, it’s safe to hang out with me again. Before this weekend, I probably would have jumped at the chance to reconnect with him again. But family worked its magic on my heart this weekend, and healed it, and showed me what I could have, what I should have, and he can’t give that to me. What I should have, could have is worth waiting for, and I shouldn’t settle for less.

Boo I’m going to dinner with the boys tonight but I won't get 2 drunk. If I do I will call u to come pick me up

Me if you're too drunk to drive, you'll be too drunk to do anything. Why would I come pick you up?

Boo so u can be nice and save my life and I won't be 2 drunk tonight

Me because friends don't let friends drive drunk?

Boo that's why u need to come and pick me up

Me alright, I'll pick you up if you can't drive home

Boo thank u.................

Me yeah, yeah, can't have you wrecking the 4 runner while you're trying to sell it.

Boo also I have something for u at home

He just assumed he could pick up where he left off, that he’d call me on his way home, and I’d meet him at his house. He wasn’t far wrong. He did call, I did go meet him at his house, but only because he said he had something for me, and we’re trying to be friends. I went with that in my mind, we’re friends. But I was already kind of miffed that he just assumed everything would pick up where he left it laying. Guess he couldn’t see the shattered mess that was my heart, and he couldn’t see newly healed cracks and scars on my heart.

It was almost a wasted trip. What he had for me at the house was a coffee mug from West VA, that he bought at a gas station as an afterthought; because he once again left the plate behind that he bought for me on an earlier trip. I almost laughed, except that he thought of me, and bought me something, which is more than I did for him.

But then he just assumed I’d spend the night with him. And oh god I wanted to. The thought of sleeping next to him all night, wrapped in his arms, a tangled jumble of arms, legs and blankets was almost more than I could resist. I knew I could curl into him and he’d hold me all night, and I could feel safe and I could feel loved, even if I wasn’t. But that was the problem, I could feel loved even though I wasn’t loved, and I want to feel loved because I am loved.

Boo: Where are you going?

Me: Home

Boo: You don’t have to

Me: Yes, I do

Boo: No, I want you to stay

Me: I thought we were done with this

Boo: Babe, it’s raining outside

Me: It was raining when I got here

Boo: I don’t want you to have a wreck

Me: I didn’t wreck on the way here

Boo: I don’t want you to go

Me: I can’t stay.

I left, I kissed him goodbye, and I walked out of his house, with him standing behind me calling for me “Babe, please stay” and knowing I couldn’t stay. No matter how much I wanted to, no matter how much my heart was breaking, again, to walk away, I couldn’t stay.

Even now, I have a sort of clarity when it comes to him that I didn’t have before. I am starting to realize I probably didn’t know him at all, which just clears away more smoke and mirrors from the illusion I was living with.

He has apparently told one of the guys here at work (a different dept) that we’re no longer together and that he JM should ask me out. First of all, I don’t think Boo is in any position to be handing out dating advice when it comes to me. His judgment is flawed and questionable at best, after all he did break up with me.

This new guy, JM is sending me emails, and frankly they’re kind of creepy. He’s talking about how he used to go home and chase his camel, until things got really rough a few years back, and then he had to eat the camel. Then his dog froze to death and his cat burned up in the house. We won’t even get into the things we told me about the hamster. He’s freaking me out. I told Boo, look, I thought we were friends, but friends don’t do this to each other, and proceeded to tell him about the emails. Boo started laughing at all of this, and that pissed me off. It’s not funny; this guy is a serial-killer-in-training.

Me Thanks a whole lot.

Boo lol welcome babe anything to help you

Me I don't need this kind of help.

Boo I m going to call him and tell him that your shy and would love to go out with him

Me I'll tell him you have a not so secret crush on him and you're using me to feel him out and see if you stand a chance with him.

Boo hahahaha

Boo he said hi by the way and you don't have to be shy what ever you cook he will eat

Me Oh trust me I won't be the least bit shy when I tell him the truth....that you have a huge man crush on him and then start telling him some of the fantasies you've told me you've had about the 2 of you....

Me so how are you at cooking camel?

Boo lolol never cooked camel before

Me might want to learn, heard he likes it. You told him we were no longer together and he should ask me out. Now I've got a serial killer in training emailing me every day. It really not a pleasant position to be in. It's really kind of scary

Boo he is not a serial killer. He is so cool, you would love just listen to him

Me He's a freak and a nut job and no I wouldn't love anything. I AM NOT interested in him. Never have been never will be.

Boo he is so sweet

Me then you fucking date him

Boo I gave up on sex

Me I didn't like him before and now I'm scared to death of him. I gave up on men. I would never go to him and say anything, but damn, I've got a nut job emailing me 15-20 times a day freaking me out.

Boo is he

Me yeah

Boo hahaha poor guy in love

Me laugh it up, you don't have a psycho chasing you.

Boo he is not a psycho........ He just wants to get laid

Me you think this is funny, I think it's scary. And I don't care what he's trying to do; he's not getting laid with me. You know what, forget it. You think this is all fun and games, but I don't. You'll just sit there and laugh about it. I'll handle it myself. Don’t do me any more favors, ok, I don't need you finding me any more dates.

Boo fine fine. How about Gaved

Me no

Boo how about ................not sure who

Me how about nobody, I like nobody.

Boo ok sounds good. I’ll stop

Me nobody is safe, nobody can be trusted

Boo and I will tell him not to email u anymore

Me I just told him, "Apparently I'm a psycho magnet, and I'm tired of all the weirdoes crawling out of the wood work, so I've given up on dating for a while...a long while."

Boo so he thinks I’m a psycho now

Me It's better than having him think you have a crush on him

Boo true

Me so, you'll stop trying to fix me up? I'm fine with my life the way it is

Boo hey it's your life live it the way u want it

Me then stop messing around with it

Boo I will

Me thank you

I don’t know who this ‘Boo’ is, but I do know I don’t like him. He was never this cold and cruel and insensitive before. But I wonder if maybe he was and I just didn’t see it, or just chose to ignore it. Maybe there were times he would rub the wrong way and I would just blow it off figuring it wasn’t worth starting a fight over. Now I see I was wearing rose colored glasses trying to make something work that was so very very wrong. I was selling myself out just to have someone in my life. I was settling for so much less than I deserved.

I’m sure he wasn’t a mistake, I’m learning so much from this. I’m learning that the lessons I’ve learned before are still there and I recognize the pattern so much sooner now than I did before. I’m more able and willing to break things off sooner too, instead of staying in a bad relationship for the sake of being in a relationship.

I’m sad that he’s not who I thought he was. I miss the guy who I thought was my friend. I don’t know what happened to him. Maybe he never really existed at all.

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