Tuesday, May 30, 2006

It was never enough

I went away for the weekend, had a wonderful time with family.  I left town, left the state, left behind the drama, the confusion, the pain, the tears of Boo.  He was out of town, he left Wednesday but he still managed to call or chat with me on line every night.  Friday, I left town and his memory and drama behind for the entire weekend.

He called when he got home, we talked about our trips, then he went to unpack.  Later he was online and we chatted some more.  He told me “I think her engagement was a real eye opener for me.”  I didn’t even ask.  I was afraid he would say “I know what I want now, and I think we can have it”.  I knew I wouldn’t have the strength to walk away from him if he said that and I know that I would end up hurt if I didn’t.

So, then, this morning, when he found a minute free at his desk, he sends me an IM, just a simple “Morning”, which sounds innocent enough, except that ever since he said he wanted to ‘take a break’, he hasn’t initiated a conversation with me.  Alarms are going off in my head and heart, he’s reaching out to me, and I’m afraid to reach back, and I’m afraid because I want to.  

I knew, once his mom was gone, he would reach for me again.  I hoped on it, prayed for it, wished for it, and then finally gave up on it, moved past it.  Now, here is what I thought I wanted and I don’t want it.  Hell, that’s a lie, I do, but I can’t allow myself to accept it, or reach back to him, because I know I will only end up hurt.  Besides, don’t I deserve to be with someone who won’t hide me from  his family?  Don’t I deserve a complete relationship, with someone who loves me, all the time, not just when his family is gone?

I found happiness this weekend, freedom, I was alive, I was free, I was happy in my own skin.  I was mom, I was Becky, and I wasn’t sitting around missing him, calling him, thinking about him.  It hurts to want him and know that wanting him would hurt me, but it hurts to walk away from him too.  But walk away is what I’ll do, one step at a time, probably with tears streaming down my cheeks, and my heart aching, breaking, shattered, but knowing each step makes me stronger.

It is what it is, and what it was is hurtful and so much less than I want and deserve.  It is what it is, nothing more, nothing less.  It just was never enough.

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