Thursday, May 11, 2006

Don't ask me how I'm doing, the answe is, Not Good

My sister put this on her blog today, The Dalai Lama says, "Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day."  

It was meant for someone else entirely, and yet, it seems to fit.  She is wonderful that way. With an uncanny ability to always have the right words to say to me to ease my pain and give me hope, and lift me up.  Even when it wasn’t meant for me, there it was.  

I had to come to work today and tell my circle of friends the awful truth. I opted to do it via email, because just being here was hard enough, trying to tell people face to face would have been impossible.  They have been amazing…

From J M: I'm so sorry.....Just know you have friends and we will be there to help you thru....

From G S: Becky: I'm so sorry. I know how much he meant to you. Keep a stiff upper lip and don't lose that million dollar smile and sense of humor that makes you so special. See you at lunch. The gang will be there for you.  

And from S O: Hey hang in there!!!  It will all work out in the end.  I know it's hard to hear that and think that but it really will.  Just take it one day at a time.  If you need to talk we are here.

I have a great support system here at work. I won’t face this alone.  They won’t let me hurt for long, and they won’t let me cry.  

The consensus is he’s making a mistake, and the reason for ‘taking a break’ is really stupid and lame.  But it really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, this is what he wants.  The decision has been made, at least for today.  Who knows, he may change his mind, and at that point, I’ll have to decide what I’m going to do.

Better than I’ve ever had doesn’t necessarily fill the void of all that I deserve.  The truth is, he was less than I deserve.  He wouldn’t let me love him, and he wouldn’t let himself love me.  No matter how much fun we had together, no matter how good we were together, none of that matters because his heart would never be mine.  

He’s tried this before; he’s tried to pull away, only to forget about it hours later.  He’s tried to ‘take a break’ before, only to change his mind.  Somehow, I know this time is different.  This time, analyzing everything paid off, it showed me the handwriting on the wall and I knew this was coming. I knew something was different, something was off, and he was pulling away.  He won’t change his mind this time, at least not anytime soon.  

The kicker of this is, at the end of May he’s taking a week vacation to go home to Louisiana, where she is.  He’s going to jump out of the frying pan into the fire and make a bad situation worse.  Then there’s the thought, she’s engaged, what if it’s to him?  What if they talked on the phone and decided to try and make it work?  What if he’s going home to LA at the end of the month to celebrate their engagement?  Stranger things have happened.

We finally found some time to talk, or at least chat, via computers.  It’s easier and safer this way. I finally found the balls to ask him, “I know this is going to sound desperate, and I'm sorry.  I don't mean for it too.  I'm just trying to deal here, and I have some questions.  If you'll answer these, I promise I'll leave you alone.

She's engaged now.  Please tell me it's NOT to you.....

And when you take your vacation at the end of the month, you're going home to Louisiana.  To see her?  To try and change her mind?”

Here’s the response I got, and the conversation that ensued. (edited for content, some of it’s boring)
Boo     thank you Becky
Me     for what? for wondering?
Boo     you just made my shitty day and put a smile on my face
Me     my pain makes you happy? Glad I could help  
Boo     don't be in pain (Yeah, let me work on that, it will ease your guilt a little bit, and we both know we want YOU to be ok with this.)
Me     kind of hard not to be
Boo     and the answer to your email is hell no
Boo     no fucking way
Me     well then there is that.
Boo     and I’m not going lie to you if I say I don't still love her either (at least you’re honest.)
Me     I know that you do.  I've always known that.  She's had your heart, and that's why I never could
Boo     but she has her own life and I do too..and she is not part of my future (apparently neither am I)
Me     she is as long as you love her. She still has power, she has the power to hurt you
Boo     she is good/bad history that I’m trying to get out of my life
Me     I'm sorry for asking, I just had to know.
Boo     and one time u told me something really sound very smart and I thought about too
Me     Christ, you finally listened to me and now it bites me in the ass.
Boo     where are we going with the meaningless sex?
Me     It wasn't exactly meaningless. We were friends, we had a great relationship.
Boo     you are a great lady and so many guys out there can give you more than I can. Just I hated for you to be with me all this time with no hope for more.
Me     I always knew your heart belonged to her. I made my peace with that a long long time ago.  It wasn't just sex, and you can't tell me that you believe it was.
Me     There was friendship there too.
Me     I'm not naive enough to think there was love, there wasn't.
Boo     so why do you want to be with me? Just for the sex... god you can get that at Wal-mart  (Oh really, what department is that in?)
Me     I don't want the fairy tale.  I still have so many issues from the girls' dad.  You were fun, and safe, and I knew the rules and it worked.
Me     I don't want it from Wal-mart.
Boo     k- mart still open
Me     Thanks, but no.
Boo     but you know what I'm saying
Boo     and I will always be your friend and you can always be safe
Boo     I promise you
Me     Yeah, I know.  I think you're throwing away something that was pretty damn good and beneficial to both of us.  
Boo     I know that
Me     I'm not sure you do
Boo     I didn't really do anything for you. You’re the one who helped me so much with out me asking sometimes
Me     you did more than you know.
Boo     that's why I really hate to do this but I need to do it for you and me
Me     there’s no changing your mind is there?
Boo     I need to find myself before I find a girlfriend or a wife
Boo     that's the problem
Boo     my mind is not here
Me     I didn't think you were looking for either.
Me     you’re heart is not here,
Boo     just please understand that I’m doing this for both of us
Me     you never used me, I offered everything, freely, knowing the rules. I was in this with my eyes wide open. Of my own free will.
Boo     you go out there and see how many men doing this
Me     I don't want to go out there, at all.
Boo     I really enjoyed every day together
Me     you keep telling yourself you're doing this for both of us.  You're not, you're doing it for yourself, and maybe out of a misguided hope for her
Boo     no god dame it
Boo     you were the best girl that any man would love to have
Me     any man but you
Boo     I hate to do this to you
Boo     I don't want to just use you for sex
Boo     do you understand that
Boo     I can deal with my problems and be with you at the same time
Boo     but it's not fair to you
Me     honestly, it was just sex to you, nothing more, no friendship, nothing?
Me     how do I go home tonight and break Santa's heart too?
Boo     I want have you as a friend,
Me     and what happened to everything is fine with us?
Boo     you’re not going to break her heart
Me     Yes, I am
Me     No, you are
Boo     no your not
Me     so I have to tell her you're not going to be around any more, and deal with her tears and questions and her hurt, and you think her heart isn't going to be broken.
Me     you come tell her then.
Boo     I will come and visit sometimes. It’s not like I lived there and now I’m leaving
Boo     and I will be around I’m not going anywhere
Me     so, this break you want, or say you need, means no sex? That’s all that means?
Boo     yes
Boo     just friends
Me     so, will we still get to hang out? Watch races on weekends? Yard sales? Ballgames?
Boo     yes
Boo     but we have to take sometime off first
Boo     that's how this work
Me     why do you get to decide?
Boo     not sure yet but I’m the one with the issues not you
Me     you’ve had issues all along, didn't matter then.
Boo     yes it didn't. but how long do I need to live like that
Boo     all my life?
Boo     I need find myself and do something with it
Me     No, but why punish me, why end what we had because she moved on?
Me     we were fine before you found out about her engagement.
Boo     not just go and work 15hrs a day at work and work on the weekend
Me     No, we were going to be so much more than that this summer. What about Michigan and the Brickyard?
Me     what about the ballgames?
Me     things were going to be so damn fun and easy this summer, working on the house, the yard, the waterfall, going to the races at the lake, going to Michigan and the brickyard, catching some ballgames.
Boo     I’m so sorry Becky. I should have known better when we started hanging out.  Sex is just one night, not 5 months
Me     so, the last 5 months meant nothing to you?  It was just sex to you?
Boo     no it was more like friendship
Me     so you can throw your friends away just like that?
Me     Nice to know
Boo     I’m not throwing my friends a way, I’m just stopping the sex
Me     that's fine. Then we still get the races, the ballgames. I can live with that.
Me     so we won't be going to yard sales this weekend huh? Or watching the races?
Boo     I wasn't going to yard sales in Jeff anyway
Boo     and I was going to be in Columbia this Sunday anyway
Me     I was going in Columbia, there are some really nice neighborhood sales there.
Me     There is no race on Sunday, it's mother's day
Boo     mother's day that's right
Me     they take off for God and Mama (Easter and Mother's Day)
Boo     well can we or can't be JUST FRIENDS
Me     yes, we can.
Me     I want that
Boo     talk to u later friend
Me     Bye boo

I know, my sister will read that and rip it to shreds and be disappointed in me for ‘begging’ and groveling.  I’m just trying to pin point some things, get clear boundaries and right now, ease the ache in my heart to get me through today.  Whatever it takes to stop the tears and ease the pain and just function through today.  

The reality of it is, he’s right, this is probably better for all involved.  He needs to get his head and his heart clear.  I deserve someone who can love me and someone I can love. It sounds pretty bad when you read it, but believe me it wasn’t just a physical thing. We had chemistry, we connected, we had fun, we had plans.  

I’m doing better.  He avoided lunch today, and therefore, me.  I am kind of glad, made it easier, but I don’t want him to make it easier.  Seeing him is inevitable around here. It’s going to happen sooner or later.

I don’t have answers, but I don’t have as many questions now either.  I just need some time to think things through and deal with this.  Transitions are hard, but change means growing.

The Dalai Lama says, "Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day

Old friends pass away, new friends appear.  Make it meaningful.  So our time has come to pass.  We had a wonderful 5 months.  Funny my sister told me ‘If it’s good and it’s right, right now, it will be still be good in six months.’  How could she have known?  It was meaningful, no matter how trivial he wants to make it sound now.  That’s a defense mechanism.  Make it sound trivial, believe it was trivial and ease the guilt of causing someone pain.

Don’t ask me how I’m doing, the answer is, not good.  But I will get better.  Just give me time.

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