Wednesday, May 10, 2006

What to do, what to do....

This nagging thought has been in the back of my mind for a week or so now.  I know it’s something I need to write about, but I just keep putting it off.  It will be put off no longer. I just don’t know where to start.  

I guess the best place to start is with the thought that keeps running through my brain, ‘Her life choices are going to bite me in the ass….again.’  That being said, I still don’t know where to go with it.  Except to say, there is a person in my life that makes decisions and life choices that I don’t agree with, but it’s her life.  I don’t judge, I don’t condemn or condone, I don’t allow it to change our friendship, after all, until I’ve walked a mile in her shoes…..

Anyway, whatever these choices are, being her friend, her confidante, I know about them.  I am aware of them.  Because Boo and I are…well, Boo and I, he knows some of them too.  I get phone calls from her, while I’m with him, about things going on in her life, and well, I’ve had to explain some things to Boo.  

Now, the problem is, because of the choices she makes, and the fact that I’m aware of them, Boo is afraid that I am like her and will make similar choices.  She does it, you’re aware of it; you don’t try to stop her, why wouldn’t you do it too?  Because of the choices she makes, and the fact that I’m aware of them, he’s afraid I’m like her and will follow her lead.  Guilty, or suspected, by association.

First of all, aware does not mean acceptance, does not mean compliance, does not mean approval.  It means aware.  I’ve voiced my opinion to her, but ultimately her choices are her choices, after all it’s her life to live.  Period.

Second of all, I am not her. Just because she does it, doesn’t mean I will too.  She can jump off a bridge tomorrow, I would hope that I’m smart enough and independent enough to see that it’s not a good idea, and I won’t follow suit.  Just because she does something, that’s her, it’s not me. It does not stand to reason I’ll do it too.  

Still, her choices, and my awareness of them, have caused Boo to doubt me.  This is not the first time her choices have bit me in the ass. It happened with C2 as well.  Same situation.  She did something, I knew about it, C2 assumed that because she was doing it, and I was aware of it, that I must condone it, and therefore could be doing it as well.   That has never been the case.  I went out of my way to hide her choices from C2 because I knew he would immediately make the conclusion “she is; you probably are too.”

So, what do I do?  Do I end my friendship with her?  We’ve been friends a lot longer than I’ve been dating Boo.  Boo’s trust issues are exactly that, his trust issues.  They stem from his ex as well as this and other things. They do not stem from anything I’ve done.  If I have to choose, who do I choose?  I mean, men come and go, girlfriends are forever.  But at what point do I say enough is enough?  Is it enough to tell her I just don’t want to hear about her choices?  Is ignorance really bliss in this situation? Can I really stick my head in the sand about her and expect it not to effect my life?  Do I allow her choices to influence the relationships in my life, both with her and with Boo?

I’m not saying I’ve never made bad choices, I have. I may have even made similar choices to the ones she’s making now.  I can understand why she’s doing what she’s doing. That does not make it ok, that does not mean I give my approval.  I wonder how often my choices, (any of my choices) have bitten someone else in the ass and I was totally and completely unaware of it.  Maybe she’s completely unaware of the way she’s effecting my life.  Hard to remember if I’ve mentioned it to her.  Maybe that’s what I need to do.

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