Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Faith Hope and Love

The walls have gone up again, he’s pulled away.  There is something awful, dark, foreboding, and completely invisible to me between us.  He won’t talk about it now.  That’s the way he is.  There are those who would say that’s unfair to me, but that’s the way he is, always has been.  Kind of unfair to ask him to change, when I can accept.

My mind races with possibilities of what it could be.  Could it be the holidays?  They’re usually stressful for people.  Could it be his job?  He’s been restless for a long time and now with J & S back in the picture, he’s not top dog.  Could it be where he’s considering going to work?  It’s the equivalent of selling his soul.  They’ve owned his life for too long, and if he goes back there….he may never be free.  Forget how good the money is, it’s not worth his soul, or his happiness.  Could it be that the kids and I together represent something just too close to family, to commitment, to permanent?  Couple that with the holidays and it’s a pretty big pill to swallow.  Could it be that he feels we’ve run our course and he’s ready to move on?  If that’s the case, why not just tell me?  

My deepest desire is to call him and talk this out.  He’s not one to talk, especially when he doesn’t have the answers.  Pushing to get the answers I want would only make an uncomfortable situation intolerable. It would force him to give me answers to questions he doesn’t really know the answers too.  It would be the equivalent of an ultimatum, which never work.  They always backfire.  It all comes back to faith.  I have to have faith that this will work itself out.  It may not work itself out the way I want it to, and I may not get the answers I was hoping for. But I am a firm believer that the truth, no matter how awful or how painful is always better than not knowing.  So, truthful answers, even if they are not the ones I want, are better than not knowing at all.  His truth, no matter how painful to me it might be, is always better than my imagination.   It all comes back to trust and faith.  I have to trust and have faith, no matter how hard that is

I have a feeling, (maybe just hope) that the distance and barriers are not about us, not entirely.  He did say he’s dealing with the ‘shit’ of his life right now.  I know that he’s going to talk to the devil itself tonight.  And in true evil tradition, the offer of money, lots and lots of money is tempting, but the price is very, very high, (his soul for at least 4 years).  The have owned his life for 2 years, they own it still for one more, then he would be free and clear.  Going back now would only tack an additional 3 years on to the deal he’s about to make.  His fate would be sealed.  The money is good, very, very good, but the hours are long, the bullshit deep and the price to be paid is steep.  

I can’t make this choice for him, I can’t play devil’s advocate, I can’t argue either side, because to me, the price they are asking is too much, I’d never give it, no matter how good the money.  One of his truths, though, is that he’s driven in part by the almighty dollar.  

It all boils down to faith hope and love.  I have to have faith this will work out for us and we’ll find our way back to happier places and times.  I have to hope our final chapter hasn’t been written yet, or if it has, we haven’t gotten to it yet.  I know that I love him and I want him to be happy.  I have to have Faith and I have to Hope that Love is enough.

Now abide Faith, Hope, and Love, these three.  And the greatest of these is love.

The Universe is coming together, better than before

As some of you may or may not be aware, we have been having one catastrophe after another in our apartment.  Last year the foundation cracked and half of the apartment flooded.  We were displaced for about a week while the fixed that problem.  About 6 months ago, or maybe longer, the apartments above us started leaking into our apartment.  Every time they showered upstairs, it would rain in my bathroom.  I mentioned it several times to my landlord, who just 'sealed the tub' upstairs which should stop the leak.  Didn't even begin to stop it.  So, I thought, 'The only way to get them to really fix the problem is to let it get so bad they have no choice but to tear the walls apart and get to the pipes.' and that's exactly what I did.  I waited it out a few months, watching the mold creep across my ceiling, watching the ceiling crack and buckle, watching the mold come across the carpet in my bedroom (which shares a wall with the bathroom, the wall that the water has been leaking inside of) and finally, I wrote a letter, included pictures and sent it to my landlord.  

Night before last, the maintenance man came by to look at it, (thinking it couldn't really be that bad) and was shocked to see the mess I had on my hands.  He called the landlord the next day (yesterday) and I came home to a letter taped to my door, stating that the damage caused by the upstairs leak was so extensive and the repair work needed to fix the leak and the damage to the ceiling, wall and carpet was so overwhelming, they were going to ask me to move into the newly rebuilt apartment across the hall from mine.  This apartment has stood empty for almost a year now, it's been gutted, and striped to concrete and studs, and completely rebuilt with all new sheet rock, carpet, bathroom, and appliances, windows and doors.   Even though they have it listed to rent at $475/month, they are letting me and the kids move there (not just during repairs to my apartment, but permanently) for our current rent of $400.  Merry Christmas to me and the kids!  A brand new apartment!!!!!!

I get to start moving in on Friday.  Anyone want to help?

I'll admit, curiousity got the best of me. I wanted to see if the movie lived up to the hype. I wanted to see if there was any chemistry between them on screen. I'll admit their relationship helped hype this movie a great deal, and I bought into it.

It's a good action movie, but the chemistry wasn't there for me. It's easy to believe they are two assasins who are married, and that the marriage is just a cover for their respective jobs. They are such great undercover assasins, neither of them know about the other.

When they finally realize they have to kill each other, and then realize maybe this marriage is more than a cover, and they might actually love each other, then the movie becomes unbelievable.

Brad and Angelina are great in this movie, and I will own a copy of it. I just think that their relationship and the speculation about it way overshadowed the relationship on film.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The Ghosts of Christmases past

In case you hadn’t noticed, December starts in two more days.  We are less than 4 weeks away from the visit from Ho Ho.  Christmas is coming.  I used to love, love LOVE Christmas.  I loved the decorations, I loved the music, I loved the shopping, the lights, the cards, the sights, the sounds, the smells, the feelings, the fun, the excitement, the headaches, the worries, the pressure, the hassle…er hustle and bustle of the whole holiday season.

Then two years ago, my marriage fell apart.  It had been crumbling for a long time, and we had been holding it up by string, and band aids, and hopes and dreams and broken promises. It collapsed under the weight of the destruction we had heaped on it.  It fell apart during the holiday season.  But we(ok I) faked it through the holidays, to spare the kids.  I could live with my holidays being ruined, I didn’t want my children to forever associate Christmas with our divorce.  

That year, I hated Christmas, and I hated him for taking the joy and laughter and love and fun and PEACE out of my favorite holiday.  That year, there was barely a tree, there were no other decorations, no music, no cookies, no candles, no sounds, no smells, no hustle and bustle.  I did the best I could to preserve the holiday for the kids, he seemed to be doing his best to destroy what little bit of joy I could muster.

Last year would have been our 1st holiday apart, but ‘for the sake of the kids’ we tried to do the holiday together.  Not the extended version of the holiday (all the in-laws hate us, his mother hates me –feeling’s mutal- my mother hates him) just our family Christmas.  He promised we could be a family again, that all he wanted for Christmas was his family back again.  I tried to give him that.  He managed to ruin Christmas last year too.

Last year, Dec 23rd he celebrated at his work Christmas party by drinking 8 glasses of home-made wine.  (He’s diabetic)  I got the phone call to come pick him up, he was throwing up, blood.  I went to pick him up, and take him back to my apartment.  Mind you, my father and his wife were coming to celebrate their 1st Christmas with my kids (long story, another post entirely) and my brother and SIL were coming over.  I was due to have company, I had a drunk, puking ex-husband to contend with, kids to get from the sitter, and dinner to cook.

I put his ass to bed. I wanted to shoot him but realized that would relieve him from the inevitable misery that was headed his way once he sobered up.  Wouldn’t miss that suffering for the world, and was actually looking forward to adding to it.

I survived that night without him.  I locked him in the bedroom and threatened to bang pots and pans in close proximity to his throbbing head if he DARED venture beyond that door.  My father and his wife didn’t say much about the situation, but my brother was pissed and it took everything I had to keep him from going in there and giving the ex what-for.  Wouldn’t have done any good, he was 2 steps away from dead.

At 11:30 that night, my ex decides he should go to the hospital because he can’t manage to keep any kind of liquids down, and he’s thinking he’s seriously dehydrated. Duh-ya think?  So, get the kids out of bed, get his best friends out of bed to come get my kids to take to his mom’s (the evil wicked ex-MIL) and take him to the hospital.  Wait!  Did I forget to mention that Santa was supposed to visit our house that night and presents still needed to be wrapped?  I was counting on him to help WRAP them, it was the least he could do, since he surely didn’t help PAY for them.  No such luck there. What was I thinking?  Actually believing I could count on him to help with Christmas?

I spent our pseudo Christmas Eve at the hospital taking care of a very drunk, very sick, very dehydrated ex-husband who has once again managed to ruin Christmas for me and the kids.  Selfish bastard.

Did the presents get wrapped and under the tree in time? Nope.  We somehow managed to get them wrapped without the kids and put under the tree, but I’m thinking that the whole Christmas mystery is no longer a mystery.  (Thanks for that one too, asshole)

The icing on the cake?  He asked me to bring the girls to his family’s Christmas celebration the following weekend, and asked me to stay and celebrate with them.  Fine, you ruined my Christmas, I am entitled to at least one happy celebration, even if I have to sit across from your mother and pretend to like her.  I can fake it for a couple of hours, (with enough alcohol.)  Joke was on me.  He had his ‘girlfriend’ over the night before, and she had spent the night. (something I was never allowed to do until AFTER I was married to him. Never mind that we lived together and had a daughter together.  SHE’s special, she doesn’t need the sanctity of marriage to sleep in OUR bed. The bitch) The bitch had barely left a mere 10 minutes before the girls and I pulled into the driveway.  The whole family was still talking about her and how wonderful she is, and how sorry they were to see her leave, when the girls and I walked in.  I got my revenge.  I looked at him and his family (mother/brothers/sisters-in-law) and told them “If she’s so fucking wonderful, call her, I’m sure you can get her back here in just a couple of minutes. You’d much rather have her here than me and my kids. Don’t let me and MY girls ruin your holiday.” And promptly took my girls and walked out and left.  Even when his mother said to me ‘I can’t believe you’re going to do this to the girls.  They deserve to have Christmas with their family.’  
‘You’re right, and they will.  With Me.  I am their family.  You made it clear we’re not welcome or wanted here.  You have already replaced us, go get her. They don’t need to sit here and listen to you all go on and on about how wonderful Daddy’s girlfriend is, right in front of their mother.  It’s my weekend, I’m taking them.”

They celebrated without my children.  I was not about to sit there and pretend everything was alright when I knew she had just left there and would be back as soon as I left.  And the whole family was wishing she was there instead of me.  

So, I am trying to find my way back to the Christmas spirit I used to know and love.  I have started listening to Christmas music in the car this weekend.  I actually walk through the Christmas section at Wal-Mart looking at the decorations, feeling the Christmas spirit coming back.  I am actually thinking of putting up the tree this weekend instead of 2 weeks from now.  I am looking forward to a possible baking day at my mother’s house this year, making all the Christmas goodies with the kids.  I am looking forward to Christmas shopping, wrapping the presents.  I am looking forward to all of the hustle and bustle of the holidays.  Even the juggling of schedules, making sure the kids all get to all of their possible Christmas celebrations with all of the branches of their families.  I am determined to keep Scrooge as far away from my holiday celebration as possible.

The ghosts of Christmases past still rattle around in my memories and serve to remind me of the pain and destruction the ex can cause during the holidays.  It’s enough to keep him out of my life this year.  I can celebrate Christmas with my kids without him and we will all be better for it.

Have you ever......

( ) snuck out of a house
(x) gotten lost in your city (Just a couple of weeks ago, embarassing)
(x) seen a shooting star
( ) been to any other countries besides the united states
(x) had a serious surgery (4 that I can think of)
( ) gone out in public in your pajamas
( ) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
( ) slept with a stranger
(x) kissed a friend (from which it turned into so much more)
(x) slept with a friend (and have managed to stay friends after the ‘relationship’ ended)
(x) slept with a co-worker (I have since made it a rule to not date/mate anyone I work with) (x) slept with someone significantly older (Is 10 years significant?)( ) gotten in a fist fight
(x) been arrested
(x) done drugs
(x) had alcohol
( ) played king's cup
( ) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
( ) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) made out in an elevator (at work, with a married man, my husband at the time)
( ) slept in an elevator
(x) sworn at your parents
( ) kicked a guy where it hurts (I grabbed a guy there and squeezed with all my might, he was choking me and I was about to pass out. Needed to get him off of me somehow. It worked.)(x) been in love (I like to think I have)
(x) been close to love(x) been to a casino (for my birthday! Walked out $30 ahead, thanks to Dad)
( ) been skydiving
( ) been on a hike in the desert
( ) broken a bone
(x) been high
(x) skinny-dipped
( ) skipped school
(x) been betrayed (more times than I care to remember or admit)
(x) flashed someone
(x) seen a therapist
(x) done the splits (not well, and I’m sure on accident)
(x) played spin the bottle (Truth or Dare was more fun)
(x) gotten stitches
(x) had an IV (more than I care to remember)
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
( ) been to more than 1 continent
( ) been to all the continents
(x) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox (gave them to my brother for Christmas and his birthday)
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
( ) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired
(x) had a crush on someone older
(x) had a crush on someone younger
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had a crush on someone of the opposite sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back (fuck)(doesn’t matter how much you love them you can’t make them love you)
(x) stolen something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend (Well, I didn’t like the dress she was wearing, but she loved it)
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) been to Europe
(x) been married (twice)
(x) gotten divorced (twice)
(x) loved more than one person at once
(x) had children (three of them)
( ) seen someone die
( ) been to Africa
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show (Not live, just the movie, didn’t do much for me)
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) Eaten Sushi (just this summer, with my sister, not as impressed with it as she is, Sorry Sis)
( ) Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone in person from the internet (was not impressed)
( ) Been moshing at a rock show
(x) Cut yourself on purpose
(x) Been to a moto cross show
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college
(x) graduated college
( ) done hard drugs
(x) tried killing yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now ...always.

Signs of the season in my life

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is on CBS tomorrow night. The first kids Christmas special of the season. My kids are already so excited about it, and I’ve promised to tape it for them so we can watch it over and over again.

Peter’s home! I heard the Folger’s ™ commercial when Peter comes home from college to surprise his family for the holidays. It’s official, Christmas is on it’s way.

The kids are making Christmas lists this year. Unfortunately for them, their lists include a TV, DVD player, a VCR, a computer, and a cell phone.

Newt heard the magical 4-letter ‘S-word’ last night, the weatherman said ‘chance of snow flurries’ and Newt heard ‘Blah Blah Snow blah blah blah’. To Newt ‘SNOW’ = Blizzard. Her disappointment this morning broke my heart.

I have my Christmas CD’s in the car now, and listen to them on my way home from work. I even bought Jessica Simpson’s Christmas CD, which the girls and I LOVE.

Christmas lights and decorations are popping up in windows, on houses, even on grills of tractor trailers on the highways.

Every now and then you get the smell of snow in the air and know it’s not far away. We had flurries last night (Much to Newt’s disappointment – she wanted a blizzard)

The emails and the phone calls are coming at a fast and furious pace ‘What do the kids want for Christmas?’ Since their lists this year seem to be out of everyone’s price range, I have to come up with affordable, gift ideas that the kids will be pleased with and the givers finances will be pleased with.

I start truly truly believing in Santa Claus and wishing and hoping and praying he will bring the gifts the kids want (and I can’t afford) and put then under the tree.

Monday, November 28, 2005

I'm going to be spectacular

My sister has told me in the past “The Theory of Quantum Physics states that the world, the universe, is expanding. Slowly, bit by bit, year by year, each planet, each star, each mass out there in space is drifting further and further apart from each other. It will eventually be so far apart, that it will shatter all former limitations and groupings and arrangements. The universe is destroying itself. The universe is falling apart."The reason the universe is falling apart is so that it may come back together in a higher order. Things have to be deconstructed before they can be reconstructed. Things have to fall apart and get worse before they can get better. So, when you feel like your life is falling apart, it's because it really and truly is. But it's falling apart so that it might come back together in a higher order."

Great, so the Universe is falling apart, but does it have to single out my little corner of it to do the most structural damage?  

10 days ago, my brakes went out on my car.  Oh, I knew they needed to be replaced, I was just hoping they would hold out one more payday until I could afford them.  No such luck.  Caput, gone.  Metal to metal.  Crap, what bills will have to wait so I can replace brakes, creative financing.  Brakes are kind of important.  Go figure.

Then, the same day my brakes take a permanent sabbatical, my car overheats and my overflow tank has a complete meltdown.  I can just hear it in my head, Cha-Ching, Cha-Ching.  More money I don’t have.  But coolant is almost as important as brakes. More creative financing.

Did I mention the ceiling in my bathroom leaks?  Yeah, every time the upstairs neighbors take a shower, it’s a regular rain storm in my bathroom.  I have put up more plastic sheets attached to the walls and ceiling directing the downpour into the bathtub at least.  I have told the landlord, and even sent pictures, nothing doing.  I’m thinking it’s about time to get some legal people involved.  Maybe that will stir them into action.

Then, it seems that since the rain forest in my bathroom wasn’t enough, my fridge is on the fritz.  My milk always freezes, I have ice on the bottom shelf of my fridge, and now there seems to be a small stream, almost a creek, flowing across my kitchen floor that has it’s origins somewhere under the fridge.  More water, some from above, some from below.  

Just to make things fun and exciting, Friday night, as I’m just starting to make dinner for the kids, I hang up my cell phone, and start to dial another friend, only to discover my phone has completely died.  Not on the fritz, not cutting out, no, D-E-A-D dead.  I can’t turn the thing on or off.  Take the battery out, hoping to re-set the system.  No such luck.

So, I turn off dinner, gather the kids and made a mad dash to the cell phone getting place and pray they can work a miracle.  The best we got?  I will get a new phone mailed to me at no charge, but it will take 7 days.  7 DAYS??  I can’t go without a phone that long.  I have kids!  They offer to give me a loaner phone, great, this one has a broken screen, so I can’t change any settings, I can’t see who’s calling.  I have the only land-line cell phone.  I have no caller-ID, nothing.  I can make and receive calls, that’s it. Period.  I have to admit, it is better than no phone at all, but just barely.

OK Universe, I get it.  You’re expanding, your changing, you’re falling apart, but does it all have to be centered on my little corner right now?  Of course when it all comes back together it will be better than before.  God I hope so, but then again, at this point any kind of improvement, no matter how minute, will be a vast improvement over what I have right now.

Damn if I’m getting better with every catastrophe that happens, I’m going to be spectacular!  

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Still younger than me.....

Birthday wishes and hugs and kisses go out to another knucklehead, and my Newt's 'Best Friend'. When asked how old he was this year, he promptly answered, 'Not as old as you Honey'. He's right, he's a mere 9 1/2 years younger than me.

Happy Birthday Sweetie, we love you.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Give this bitch a clue

She has that saccharine sweet, innocent act down pat, and fuck it’s damned annoying. Ignoring her doesn’t help, she’s not smart enough to figure out I don’t like her, and I don’t want to talk about her. ‘Have I done something to offend you?’ You mean besides acting like a sweet innocent airhead? I would like nothing more than to tell you to take that fake innocent act and shove it up your ass until you choke on it. Can’t do that.

Like today at lunch…. ‘So, Becky, is your mother and father still in Kansas? Will you get to see them this weekend?’
We haven’t lived in Kansas since I was 6 months old.
Oh, so, you were just a baby when you moved to Missouri, huh? Been here long?
Fuck lady I’m 37, you do the math.

How about this one?
“The storm we had last weekend absolutely destroyed all the windows in our travel trailer, shattered our gazing balls in our front yard, broke every single solar light we had along the drive way and damaged both vehicles?” Now, she's just one of those idiot rednecks who think those gazing balls are just all the rage. She doesn't have just 1 (which is more than enough for anyone) she has 5, count 'em 5! And Mother Nature targeted just her yard (no body else suffered half the damage she did.) and destroyed all her white trash trappings she has in her yard. That sounds like a really BIG clue to me. Mother Nature must be sick of your shit too.

We have the same last name. We’re not related, a situation I saw fit to rectify last year when I got a divorce. But her husband is so distantly related we’re NOT family. I divorced that whole family for a reason, I can't stand their fake pompous acts where they are all whollier than everyone else in the world. I didn't take my maiden name back because I'm lazy about changing my name on everything. Now I wish I had made the effort. I hate being associated with this bitch.

We have a new manager here at work, his first name is Ichabod. She thought it would be cute ‘Can we just call him Eight ball?’ Can we just call you fucking idiot?

Here’s a quarter, go buy yourself a clue. I can’t stand you! Leave me the fuck alone.

Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday to DJ. Now you're old enough to run with us 'big kids'

Know that I'm thinking of you, and wish you the best and happiest birthday today. May all your wishes and dreams come true.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

101 Things you may or may not have known about me

  1. I am 37 years old

  2. I was born in July

  3. I am a single mother of 3 wonderful children

  4. I am twice divorced

  5. I have not given up on the idea of love, romance, and marriage

  6. I have been mostly single, (not in a serious relationship) for almost two years now.

  7. I don’t count the time last year my ex-husband and I thought we could ‘make it work’

  8. I was the first one to realize we couldn’t.

  9. I left my ex-husband and filed for divorce because I knew he would never do it

  10. I did not leave him for another man, no matter what he chooses to believe

  11. I was 18 when I lost my virginity

  12. I lost it to my sister’s ex gymnastics coach

  13. He was 24 at the time

  14. I went back to St. Louis from Hannibal, specifically for that reason

  15. I never regretted it

  16. I still have warm fond memories of that afternoon

  17. I was celibate for over a year after losing my virginity

  18. I have dated and been engaged to 3 men named Chris in my life.

  19. I married two of them

  20. I divorced them both also.

  21. I was the one to end both of my marriages

  22. I believe I am doing the best I can as a single mom

  23. I miss being part of a couple

  24. I don’t miss the bullshit that comes along with dating

  25. I love my nephews more than I can put into words

  26. I believe their love has healing powers for my heart

  27. I have a college degree in business administration

  28. I have never used it

  29. I used to work at a car dealership

  30. I met three of my closest friends while working there

  31. All three of them are men

  32. I have a special fondness for Dodge Durango’s

  33. I also have a special fondness for Applebee’s

  34. I worked at McDonald’s all the way through college.

  35. I still like to eat McDonald’s every now and then

  36. I love their McRib

  37. I could walk in there today and get a job starting tomorrow

  38. I have a belly-ring

  39. I got my naval pierced as a symbol of my independence

  40. I am still as in love with it as I was the day I got it

  41. I drive a 93 Eagle Vision

  42. I would rather drive a Dodge Dakota or a Nissan Xterra

  43. My secret guilty pleasure is ‘Charmed’

  44. I still exchange Christmas cards and pictures of our kids with my first boyfriend

  45. My favorite drink is Captain Morgan and soda (Coke, Pepsi, Vanilla Pepsi)

  46. I have a collection of 10 empty Captain Morgan bottles that I have drank with Knucklehead 2 in the year and a half we’ve been hanging out

  47. I have saved every bottle we have emptied together.

  48. I have a bottle of Captain Morgan in my refrigerator at all times

  49. I have a bottle of Tequila Rose in my fridge that my ex husband bought for me on his 25th birthday

  50. I don’t like Tequila Rose

  51. My favorite beer is Mich Ultra

  52. I was born in Parsons, Kansas

  53. I love the Jayhawk (just the mascot, not any of the teams)

  54. I have lived in a total of 18 different houses or apartments in my life

  55. I have one brother, and one sister

  56. I have one sister-in-law and one brother-in-law

  57. I am the only of us kids to graduate from college.

  58. I am a red-head by birth, a blonde by choice

  59. My hips and thighs are bigger than I want them to be

  60. My boobs are smaller than I want

  61. I love baseball

  62. My favorite memory from this summer is the St. Louis Cardinal’s game I went to with DJH.

  63. I love to read.  My favorites are Nora Roberts, John Grisham, and Julie Garwood.

  64. I have been on a first name basis with at least one ‘celebrity’.

  65. I am afraid of heights, but love roller coasters

  66. I love chocolate

  67. I hate coconut

  68. Every once in a while I actually CRAVE a margarita

  69. I love the Harry Potter series

  70. I am jealous of my sister’s relationship with her husband.  She has found the perfect man (for her).

  71. I secretly worry there is no ‘perfect man’ for me

  72. My heart has been broken by too many people who didn’t even know they were in a position to hurt me

  73. I’m not entirely sure that is all their fault

  74. I have people in my life who tell me that I am beautiful, and actually believe it

  75. I have an incredibly hard time believing them

  76. I think my nose is too big

  77. I hate my eye teeth, they look like under-developed vampire fangs

  78. My hair color and nails are both fake, I don’t believe that makes me a complete fake or fraud.

  79. I like myself; there are just some aspects of my appearance I don’t like.  I change them because I can

  80. I love E! True Hollywood Stories.  

  81. I am not-so-secretly in love with one of my knuckleheads

  82. I will not tell you which one

  83. The best memories of my grandmother are of my trip to Kansas alone when I was in college.  I spent the week with my grandmother.  We went to a demolition derby and stayed up half the night talking like girlfriends.  

  84. I miss her and am sorry she never got to meet two of my kids

  85. I have finally found a way to forgive my father and have allowed him back into my life

  86. I am glad I did that before it was too late

  87. I am in awe of my youngest daughter.  She has a confidence and complete lack of fear (except when it comes to spiders) that amazes me.  

  88. I pray I don’t screw her up and take those qualities away from her

  89. Because my father was a preacher, I have seen how corrupt the Church and organized religion can be.  

  90. I have faith, and believe in a higher power, I don’t belong to any organized religion or congregation.

  91. I kill all flowers, including silk flowers.  I have a black thumb, nowhere near green.

  92. I have a rose bush that survived longer than the marriage it was planted to symbolize.  It has survived because I basically left it alone.

  93. I have learned more about myself sexually in the last year, than I did in the 20 years prior.

  94. I will not swim in any body of water that does not have chlorine or a filtering system

  95. I love a clean house, I just hate cleaning it.

  96. My house is almost always cluttered, with that ‘lived-in’ look that comes with having 3 kids

  97. I still wish I had my own horse and could spend hours riding through wide open fields.

  98. I did own a horse for 3 months and rode him every chance I got

  99. I love the taste of chocolate, and the smell of vanilla

  100. I love Obsession for men

  101. I completed this entire list in one sitting

All that is gold does not glitter

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king. ~JRR Tolkien

I friggin' give up!

I give up! Remember Home Alone, when Kevin wishes he didn’t have a family anymore because he’s tired of being shit on, no matter what he does, he’s still wrong. Welcome to my reality.

I have a 12 year old son and lord he’s going to be the death of me yet. In the last week alone, has deliberately disobeyed me, accused me of stealing his money, lied to me, broke rules, and snuck things out of the house. Today in fact he left his homework at home and expected me to go get it and bring it to him.

Let’s go back to last week first,

He had some change in his pocket. Money I didn’t give him, I have no idea where it came from but he doesn’t need to take it to school. I told him to leave it at home. Not once, not even twice, but on 3 different occasions, 3 separate days. He didn’t listen or just didn’t care. Tried to take it to school EVERY SINGLE FLIPPIN DAY last week AFTER I told him to leave it at home. That right there is enough to piss me off. I am absolutely furious just thinking about it right now.

Then on Friday, he said he needed a quarter for school.
Fine, take one of yours.
I don’t have any money, it’s gone
Where is it?
I don’t know, I left it on my dresser yesterday, and when I got home from school it was gone.
Who do you think took it?
Whoever was in the apartment.
Well, since I was the only other person besides you here yesterday, are you saying I took it?
Well, it’s not here now.
I know I didn’t take it, so why don’t you try telling me the truth this time.

For 2 hours we argue about the money, until he finally admits the truth. He took it to school to buy cookies for lunch. So, he disobeyed me by taking his money to school, he snuck it out of the house which tells me he KNEW it was wrong, and he did it anyway, then he all but accused me of taking his money, he lied about it being on his dresser. Sorry, but as punishment for lying, sneaking, and disobeying, I will not give you a quarter to play a game with.

Today, he is once again trying to sneak MORE money to school (In case someone needs money mom, I’ve got it), and lying about it. I called his father and told him that there was no need to give him money, he didn’t need it at school. Turns out, he’s been begging his dad for money for breakfast at school. Bo gets free breakfast at school, so there is no need for him to have any money to eat at school. None. He’s lying to his dad and stealing his dad’s money to give away to the kids at school.

On top of all of this, my mother thinks I’m being unduly harsh on him and I should lighten up. After all, he’s a little boy who’s very angry and full of rage. HELLO? He’s a liar and a thief and yes, he’s angry and full of rage, he got caught! He got busted. But instead of seeing that what Bo did was wrong, she thinks I’m being too harsh on him and I should coddle him and bail him out and give him a break. HELLO? How the f@#k is he going to learn there are consequences to his actions if we are constantly babying him, bailing him out, giving him a break?

I don’t know how to get through to him, I don’t know what to do to make him understand that what he’s doing is wrong, WRONG!!! All the punishment in the world does nothing. He pulls the same shit the next day and we repeat this whole vicious cycle EVERY SINGLE FRIGGIN’ DAY. I’m at my wits end with him.

I feel like I am the only disciplinarian in his life. My mother is too busy being the Good Grandma and taking his side, and babying him, that I get no support from her. She thinks I’m the bad guy and I’m being too harsh and too mean to him. His father is too busy trying to buy his affection and be his best friend and make life easy for him and refusing to let him grow up. He NEVER disciplines him. They spend all their time parked in front of the boob tube or the computer, watching movies or playing games. Hell, his father hasn’t even grown up yet why should his son? So, I am always the bad guy and Bo knows that crying to dad or grandma will get him out of anything. They will always bail him out. How the fuck is this child ever going to become a responsible adult if we don’t let him?

Christ I give up. I can’t fight this fight alone, and I have no help at all. Let him do whatever the fuck he wants, and when he ends up in juvie, or in jail, or dead, it will be too late, but I can be there going “I TOLD YOU SO!” We should have done something when we had the chance.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Tate, looking all grown up and too serious for an 8 year old Posted by Picasa

My Newt. My newest favorite pictures of her. Posted by Picasa

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Birthday Lists

His birthday is next week, and while I know I’m not first in line to celebrate with him, (he has other obligations that must be met before me) he told me today that we would talk tonight and this weekend and work something out so that we could celebrate sometime next week.  He made it sound as though it was important to him that we get together and celebrate his birthday together.  So, while I may not be the top of his People-I-HAVE-to-celebrate-with I get the feeling I may be close to the top of the People-I-WANT-to-celebrate-with list.

I love you's

He laid there, his body completely covering mine, basking in the afterglow, completely spent, completely sated, and more than a bit in awe, swearing he saw God. Out of the blue he asks me ‘Do you think I’m domineering?’
“No, why?”
“I just want to be sure you don’t think think that.  I want to be sure you’re happy.”
<Slight pause>
“I love you too.”
‘It’s nice to be understood’

ME: ‘Hey Goober?’
ME: ‘I love you’
KNUCKLEHEAD: ‘I love you too’

The joy of you

Your touch
Sends shivers through me
Washing me with waves of desire
I ache to feel you
Your hands on my body
Bringing me to heights unimagined
Holding me tight as I fall
Kissing me tenderly when I land

Your hands
Are both powerful and gentle
Instinctively knowing what I need
Giving and leading
Surprising and loving
Safe and strong
Making me ache for you
Needing sweet release

Your mouth
Kissing me, tasting me
Reaching to the very core of me
Catching my breath
Teasing and nipping
Licking and sucking
Finding hidden joys in places I never knew I had

  Your eyes
Are the windows to your heart
Unable to lie, no need to hide
I can see your true feelings there
The wanting the needing
The anticipation
The joy, the pleasure
The sweet relief
And the

Your voice
Is the sweetest sound in my ear
My heart leaps with recognition
It carries your true feelings directly to my heart
It reverberates through me
Touching the very core of me
Carrying me away to a place where time does not exist
Nothing matters but you and me.

Your heart
I know that I have stolen it
Much like you have taken mine by storm
It beats in rhythm with mine
Telling me what you haven’t been able to put into words
Until now
The feelings you feel
It speaks directly to mine
Letting me know I am not alone

Your love
Completely forbidden
Too sweet to give up
It has opened my eyes taught me to fly
Given me strength to fight for what’s right
True happiness I thought I would never find
I have found in you

Wonderful you
My lover, my best friend
We share a connection no one can explain
You’ve touched my heart in ways unimagined
Your smile, your touch, your kiss, your love
All bring a smile to my face, and touch my heart
I’ve looked all my life for you
Thank God I found you
My Friend, my love, my dream come true.

I love you.

To my Knucklehead 'Sam', I love you.
Ditto Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

The ugly duckling becomes the swan

In my lunch time surfing I found a blog written by a woman going through a divorce.
To make a long story short, he’s moved on; she’s taking on all the blame, all the responsibility of the failed marriage. She’s feeling terribly sorry for herself, in the grips of a great depression, she has given all of her power away, feeling hopeless, worthless, and useless. I could relate, I’d been there, not all that long ago. I felt compelled to leave her a comment, offer a bit of encouragement. Just let her know she was not alone, other people had been where she is and they have survived, she will too. Life will get better; she will smile again, laugh again, and probably even love again.

I shared all of this with a very dear friend who had done the same for me. He had offered support and encouragement (from Baltimore) when I was feeling my lowest. But he also planted a seed, suggesting I find a support group, or some other way to share my story. Sharing my story would not only offer hope and encouragement to others, but would also be healing and freeing for me. I wrote and told him what I had done. Below is his reply:

Hey! I swear I was just thinking about you today on the way to work. It’s funny how the world works if you're kind of connected. I am so very happy for you, and I am glad that we got a chance to connect in the first place.

You didn't choose to go through those years of pain just to be in a position where:
a) When you read my email, you responded

b) When you read home girl’s blog you responded

But what you did do was take the position you found yourself in and you made something of it. And you're a better woman, a better mother, and a better friend/confidant because of it. You're probably more beautiful and sexy than you've been in years.

Thank you for sharing yourself with me, and thank you for reaching out to someone else. This is truly what we're here for. And though we don’t talk as much as we used to, know that I am thinking of you.

I've found pictures to be VERY cathartic for me. Send some, but TAKE MANY!

It made my day that he ‘gets me’ and understands. It’s always nice to be able to say to him, I heard what you said, I listened, I acted on it and you were right. I responded to a person I didn’t know, not because I hoped to get something out of it, but because I felt moved to do so. I hope that I can offer her the support and encouragement that was so important to me. In offering her hope, support and encouragement, in offering to help her, I have once again, helped myself. In giving to her I am finding out that I am getting as much out of it. It continues my healing process, using this ugliness that was my life and making it something useful, helpful and beautiful.

You have opened my eyes and my mind to the bigger picture. You have taught me how to see myself in the world around me and in the grand scheme of things. I have taken the hell I went through and found a way to use it and do something good with it. I have to say thank you to you for making me aware that it was possible and opening my mind to that idea and making it all possible. You did nothing more than to point me in the right direction and make a few suggestions, I took it from there, but you planted the seed. I nurtured it until it grew and bloomed into something beautiful. For all the ugliness in my life before, you are part of the beautiful now.

I feel as if I have come full circle.

People's Sexiest Man Alive for 2005

People magazine has named Matthew McConaughey their Sexiest Man Alive for 2005. I can't disagree. This man is a hottie and he's like a fine wine, gets better with age. I wouldn't kick him out of my bed......unless we were going to the floor.

Area man dies in trench collapse

A Holts Summit man was pronounced dead Monday afternoon as a result of construction related incident in Fortuna near the Moniteau and Morgan County line.Brian L. Reeves, 29, was pronounced dead at 3:20 p.m. by Moniteau County Coroner Lloyd Fulks, according to Sgt. Gary Simmons with the Moniteau County Sheriff's Department.Simmons said a 911-call was received at about 2:45 p.m. stating a man was trapped after a trench collapsed on a sewer related job site in Fortuna.Several area rescue teams worked to recover Reeves' body from the trench, which was estimated between 10- and 14-feet deep at the time of the accident. His body was recovered at about 4:46 p.m.An autopsy is scheduled to be performed by the Boone County Medical Examiner's Office in Columbia.Simmons said the cause of the incident is unknown at this time but the matter is still under investigation and he expects an OSHA representative to pick up the investigation on Tuesday.Reeves was employed by Ken Kauffman Excavating in Jefferson City at the time of the accident, Simmons said.

Authorities from Ken Kauffman Excavating were unavailable for comment Tuesday morning.

That is the story in the newspaper, the News Tribune, today. It still seems so unbelievable. The funeral will be Friday. I know that everything happens for a reason, it’s just hard to find the reason in this. It’s not going to matter what the OSHA representative finds in his investigation, it won’t change the fact that Brian is gone, it won’t ease his family’s suffering. It won’t bring him back. Answers won’t explain ‘Why him?’. Maybe we’ll never know why him.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Give me a Break

Actually, I need to give myself a break. I ate like a little pig at lunch today. Who could blame me really? They had my favorite, ham and beans with cornbread. Wonderful! Yeah! Awesome.

I take a small bowl of ham and beans. Then a small piece of corn bread. I turn the corner looking for butter, and BAM! I am staring eye to eye with the most delicious, yummy gooey sickening sweet, diet blowing sticky bun. A glorious cinnamon roll covered, drenched, dripping, drowning in melted brown sugar and butter and pecans. YUM!

Damned if that sticky bun didn’t just jump up off the table and land on my tray. What was I to do? I had to eat it, it was calling my name.

Since I already had the ham and beans, with the side of cornbread, I had to eat them too. The ham and beans weren’t worth the Styrofoam bowl they were in, and the corn bread was bland and dry. Total waste of money. Maybe my taste buds were just completely uninterested in the good for you stuff, because there was that wonderful dreadful, fattening, hip spreading, belly roll creating sticky bun waiting. Pretty sure the taste buds were kind of jaded.

So I ate it. Not all of it. I forced myself to eat most of the ham, forget the beans, got the cornbread down with half gallon of water, and on to Heaven. Let me tell you, I ate until I was sick, then ate two more bites just to be sure. That sticky bun was pure heaven. But half way through my stomach and my blood sugar level both screamed ENOUGH! I could feel the sugar and the butter solidifying and making themselves comfortable on my hips and thighs. I could feel the bun expanding in my belly and what started out as a welcome ‘full’ feeling was quickly turning into a sickly bloated feeling. A few minutes ago that sticky bun looked like heaven, making my mouth water. Now the thought of eating another bite was sounding and feeling like pure torture and my stomach was starting to revolt.

Guess I know what’s on the agenda tonight, no dinner (who has room?) lots of water, maybe 50 sit-ups, and squats, whatever it takes for me to feel as if I’ve worked some of the damage off. Damn sticky bun.

Life is too uncertain

The girls had a fund raiser earlier this year for school.  I had picked up all the stuff they sold, which meant I needed to get this to their father.  Easiest option for me, have him come by and pick it up.  Easy because I don’t have to load the kids into the car and drive to where ever he is.  Easy because I can hand him the bag of goodies and be done.  Or so I thought.  He showed up, (30 minutes late) and of course asked to use the facilities.  Fine.  Whatever, just don’t go camping in there.   Then he decides to invite himself to have a seat and get comfortable on the sofa and visit with the kids. HELLO?  No, get your stuff, get out, good-bye.  Dinner is ready in the kitchen, and he’s dilly dallying around in my living room.  Ok, granted, I’m to blame for this, I did suggest he come over and get his stuff.  I did open the door and said ‘Come in’.  I had spent his entire ‘visit’ avoiding any kind of eye contact and completely ignoring him, making it abundantly clear I had no interest in him at all.  Finally I had to say to him, ‘Look, you got your stuff, it’s time for the kids to eat, you have got to go.  Good-bye.’  

I have created the boundaries, I have maintained the emotional distance I worked so hard to establish.  Therapy paid off.  I have no desire to get involved with him again.  I no longer love him; I am no longer in love with him.  I don’t hate him (although there are some out there who would say I should be) I just feel nothing.  I can claim complete indifference to him.  I have managed to get him out of my head and out of my heart and no matter how hard or how often he tries; he’s not getting back in.  I can say I have completely divorced him, legally and emotionally.

Around 8:15 he calls me.  My first thought is ‘Damn this idiot is persistent’ but I answered the phone anyway.  Turns out he’s calling to tell me that his best friend’s step-brother was killed yesterday.  Why bother me?  I’m friends with E and M and it was E’s brother B, whom I have known for several years, that was killed.  Details at this point are sketchy at best.  I know that he was back at work for a construction company, his FIRST day back at work with this particular company.  They were digging a trench, and it collapsed.  B got caught in it and the crew couldn’t get him out.  There will be an autopsy performed today so more details will be known in a day or two.  I can only hope and pray that when it collapsed it killed him instantly.  I can not fathom the crew seeing this happen and working frantically to get to him and get him out, only to find out their efforts were too little, too late, he was gone by the time they got to him.  I can not imagine what it would have been like for B is he didn’t die instantly, but had to lay there, buried, hoping, praying that someone got to him in time, and then to realize they weren’t going to make it to him.  What was his final minutes like, what was it like to realize he was taking his final breath?  Knowing he would never see his fiancĂ© again, or hold his baby again.  Fighting for his life, fighting the rising panic, and then finally accepting the inevitable, and letting go.

B was one of those bad boys every girl loves.  He was gorgeous in a bad boy kind of way.  Perpetually tan, buff built body from construction, gorgeous black hair and dark dark eyes.  He was always in trouble with the law, under age drinking, driving without a license.  We all were sure B’s life choices would do him in.  We all were sure we’d hear B had died in a drunk driving accident.  Turns out, after doing a short stint in prison, he had finally learned, and had started pulling it all together.  He had found a girl to love, and who loved him. They just had a baby; they were engaged to be married.  He finally had his life back on track and had a bright future ahead of him.  And now, it’s gone, it’s over.  His baby will never get to know him.  His life was cut too short, his light is gone now.

Listening to the few scant details last night, I sat in shock.  Shock that it had happened at all. You never expect someone you know to be taken from you so unexpectedly.  It’s so hard to comprehend that yesterday when I woke up the world still had B.  That baby had a Daddy.  Last night when I went to bed there was one less person in the world, and a baby had lost their daddy.  A woman had lost her partner, E had lost his brother, E’s children had lost their uncle, and his parents had lost their son.  I promise you, not one of us thought that would have been possible yesterday.  

Death of someone so young is so unexpected and so hard to comprehend.  Listening to everything, I sat there in shock. I couldn’t feel anything, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t yell, I was numb, from shock.  I don’t understand how this could happen.  He was too young to die. He’d just gotten things together, he was finally doing it right.  It’s just too hard to comprehend, he was here yesterday, now he’s gone.  How does that happen?

It just shows you never know what today will bring.  You never know how much time you have.  It makes life so uncertain again.  I hugged my kids a little tighter last night and this morning.  I kissed them one more time and told them ‘I love you’ till they were tired of hearing it.  Losing someone like this makes you appreciate what you have and makes you aware that life is temporary.  I haven’t seen B in 5 or 6 years, but his death still has profound effects on me.  I am reminded to make sure to tell the people I love just how much I love them.  You just never know if you’ll get the chance again.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Things I did this weekend

The girls and I rented ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’. WONDERFUL. I absolutely loved the Gene Wilder version of this movie. That is, until I saw Johnny Depp as Willie Wonka. This new release just rocks! The girls loved it too.

Spent Saturday afternoon watching Newt and Tate play with Stealth and Duck. Mom and I were talking that it warms all of our hearts (hers, mine and Sis’s) that the cousins get to see each other all the time. And by all the time I mean a whole LOT more than the twice yearly I saw my cousins. There is none of the awkward ‘getting to know you again’ tension when they first see each other. They are a part of each other’s lives enough that they KNOW each other, really know each other.

Friday night knucklehead called and asked if it would be ok if he came over for short visit. 'I know the girls have stuff for me for Halloween, can I come see them and get it?' So he came over, saw the girls, saw Newt's hole from her missing tooth, got his Halloween goodies and then had to leave. (it was 9:00, bedtime for girls) I walked him out to the car and said 'Thanks for coming to see them, they miss you.' His answer? 'I'm pretty sure I'm came over to see all 3 of you, not just them. I've missed you.' (yes, it's mushy, but it's sweet and it makes me smile.)

Went grocery shopping and bought staples to make lasagna, chili, beef stew, corn bread, baked potatoes, all of my cold weather favorites. Got home, and put the goodies away and felt really good that I had money still in my pocket, and my cabinets and freezer are both full of food. Warm food, for cold weather. YEAH!

The girls and I found the floor, the tops of their dressers, and their beds in their room this weekend. Translated for those of you without kids, we cleaned their room and got all the toys, clothes, books and shoes put away. Now they can play in their room instead of dragging their stuff out to the living room and leaving it there.

Cleaned my apartment. Not just picked up the clutter, but really cleaned. Dusted all the furniture, vacuumed every room, did all the laundry, all the dishes, put all the clean dishes away, found my kitchen table again and my counter tops.

Found ‘Grease’ on DVD at Wal-Mart for less than $10. I had made a promise to Tate that if we ever found it on DVD I’d buy it for them (it’s her favorite musical). So, we spent Sunday afternoon, after all the shopping, and cleaning was done, watching Grease. (And Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for the 4th time)

It was a wonderful autumn weekend. Blustery weather outside, cold wet rain, winds blowing, cinnamon apple and pumpkin spice candles burning inside all the sights and smells of autumn, closing in on winter. Curled up on the couch and read a book, enjoying the goodness of my life. I have food, I have a small bit of money, I have children who light up my life, I have my knucklehead back in my life. I have been breakdown free for a month now, which is a good thing, a very good thing. I spent my weekend reaping the rewards of a lot of hard personal growth this year.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Things that make me smile

Today, the obvious, my knucklehead

My children

My nephews

Knowing that I’m off tomorrow, and I have the whole day to myself, and it’s payday.

‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ is out on DVD now. Johnny Depp in the privacy of my own home.

Knowing that even when he was ‘gone’ from my world, he still loved me, still missed me, still cared about me.

It’s November and I haven’t turned the furnace on yet!!!

I got two, count ‘em 2 issues of my new subscription to Shape magazine in the mail last night. I forgot I’d subscribed to it several months ago.

Did I mention LDJ? Yeah, my knucklehead. He makes me smile.

Last night…..



I dont know much, but I know I love him

I don’t know where things stand with us right now, but I do know that we’ve turned a corner and things have changed.  For the better.  The code of silence has been broken, and the walls have come down.  

I have been granted a second chance.  I’m not going to screw this one up.  I’ve learned my lesson, I have had my eyes opened.  I realize that my past behavior was destroying a lot of relationships that were very important to me.  I have vowed to work very hard at overcoming the past and repairing the damage and not repeat my past mistakes.

I found out last night, that he cares more than he’s willing to admit out loud.  He may not be ready to voice it and put it in words and give it breath, but the love is there.  He may not say it, but I feel it and I know it just the same.  And being wrapped in his arms, is like being wrapped in a warm blanket.  

I believe we’re in each other’s lives for a reason, and we’re not done yet.  Our story is not over.  I don’t know where this is going, I don’t know what the future holds, but I am sure for a while anyway, we’ll find out together.

Tuesday, November 8, 2005

What will they think of next?

I saw this on the Target website. I heard about it on Bob and Tom this morning too. It's supposed to be the newest thing in Christmas trees. Supposedly taken from European traditions, the upside down Christmas tree. This tree, pictured here, sells on the Target webs-site for a mere $299.99. It comes pre-lit with 550 mini lights already installed and an on/off switch (how handy). The idea behind this is it 'leaves more room on the floor under the tree for gifts'. After paying $300 for a Christmas tree, who has money for gifts? But if you're going to spend that kind of money on a ridiculous tree that hangs upside down from your ceiling, money must not be any problem.

He never goes away

He never goes away. I have boundaries, and I maintain them. I keep my distance. I no longer fall victim to his games, but that doesn’t stop him from playing them. Does he hope I will cave someday? Does he hope that I’ll change my mind? Does he believe he’s so charming, and loving, and caring, that I can’t resist him forever?

My sister is right, some people just don’t get it, and probably never will. Although everything he’s trying is failing miserably. Nothing is working. He’s not getting the results he hoped for, he’s not getting me.

That doesn’t stop him from trying. Will I have to put up with this for the rest of my life? It’s not that I can’t deal with it, I can. I know how to maintain my distance; I know how to not react. I know how to keep my emotions intact. I just don’t want to have to continue this bullshit. I don’t want to continue the game. I don’t want to be stuck in this rut for the rest of my life.

He wants me, but he can’t let go of her. (It wouldn’t matter, even if he could) He has her, but he won’t stop chasing me. She’s desperate enough to hold on to him and keep him that she will put up with his bullshit and not bat an eye. She’ll turn a blind eye to his chasing me. But that’s her problem, not mine. He found what he wanted in her, a mealy-mouthed, insecure, timid, mousy, plain-Jane, unthreatening, desperate, pathetic girl who will allow him to do whatever he wants and just be glad for what little attention he gives her. I’m not that kind of person, at least not any more. Not after 10 years of playing that role for him.

I want him to go away. I’m done. I don’t love him, I don’t want him, I’m beginning to not even like him. I want him to go away. Thank God for restraining orders. I have one that is effective until August 2006. I can make him go away. One phone call is all it takes.

Is this for real?

Ok, just killing a few minutes at work, sometimes I’m swamped, sometimes I’m bored to tears and I surf random blogs.  Surfing today at lunch, and the random blog that popped up was this:  

This blog claims to be “Madonna’s personal blog”.  Is this for real?  Is it possible that the Material Girl has her own blog on Blogger?  Of course, anything is possible, but is this for real?  I’ve scanned through the site and it looks like it could be for real, but it could also be some fan out there playing a joke.  Who knows.  
If Madonna has her own personal blog, who else does?  Johnny Depp?  Orlando Bloom?  We can only hope.

The Perfect Man

Saw this movie this weekend. Very cute. Very close to home. Could have become my life. Heather Locklear plays a single mother of two daughters and 'Jean' is desperate to find the 'Perfect Man'. In the course of finding him, she settles for anyone who pays her any attention, even is she doesn't like them. After all, she believes, any man, no matter how bad, is better than being alone. Then when she gets her heart broken, which always happens with losers, she packs up the kids and moves them to a new town, sometimes clear across the country. All she suceeds in doing is teaching the girls she doesn't respect herself, and that the best way to deal with problems in your life is to run away.

When her daughter wants to run away from her problems, it finally dawns on 'Jean' what she's been doing and she decides to set an example for the girls by sticking. Staying around, dealing with the problems, finding the answers, letting people in, getting close to people. Actually having a life.

It wasn't all that long ago, I was all too familiar with that desperation to find a man, any man. It's no secret in my family, I've never had any period of time in my life that there wasn't a guy involved somehow. After the divorce, that desperation was a part of my life. You get used to being part of a couple, and you miss having someone there. You miss the company, the belonging. It was hard to ignore the desperation and stay out of a relationship. I didn't always suceed, but I realized unhealthy relationships for what they were and got out of them, instead of staying.

It's been almost 2 years now since I left my husband. I've had a couple of 'not serious' relationships. They were fun, but they didn't last. They weren't meant to last. I could have very easily ended up like Jean but I chose not to run away, but to stick and face my problems, deal with life as a single mom, alone, without a man. I'm finding out I'm stronger than I seemed, and braver than I believed, and more complete alone, than I ever was when I was part of a couple.

If there is such a thing as a perfect man, I'll find him, or he'll find me, in the perfect time. Until then, I am living close to a perfect life. I'm teaching my girls to stay and work it out, that it's not ok to run away from your problems. I'm teaching them that it's ok to be alone. I can be enough, and they can be enough. It's never ok to settle for less than you deserve. That sometimes alone is much better than in a relationship, especially if it's unhealthy. I am learning to be true to myself.

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Monday, November 7, 2005

Newt's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad weekend.

Apparently Newt had a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad weekend with dad.  Never mind that he’s really not to blame here. Well, just let me explain.

Friday night I get phone call #1 from Newt.  She was crying and I almost couldn’t understand her
‘What’s wrong?’

‘Dad pooled my toof!’ (wet washcloth in mouth to stop bleeding explained why I couldn’t understand her)

This is bad news, why?  You knew it was ready to come out.

Yeah, but it ‘POPPED’ when he pulled it. And it hurt, and he made it bleed.

It didn’t bleed much, and you know it always bleeds a little when dad pulls teeth.  Besides, the tooth fairy will bring you money tonight.

Only if sister doesn’t move my tooth and lose it.

(ever the optimist, that one is).

I heard nothing from her all day Saturday, so I am assuming it was not a terrible day. But Sunday came rolling around and so did phone call #2.  Once again she was crying…

What’s wrong?

Dad hurt me.

How did dad hurt you?

He yanked my shirt off, over my head.

Why did that hurt?  You know what? Let me talk to dad.

The gist of the story is this: Newt thought it would be fun to take her shirt off by climbing out of it through the neck hole.  So she took her arms out of her sleeves, and put the through the neck of the shirt and tried to pull the shirt down like a skirt.  Funny thing about bellies and hips. They are somewhat bigger than the neck of a shirt and thus the shirt got stuck.  Back up the body it went and once it got to her arms they had to be stuffed back through the neck of her shirt.  Funny thing about arms and shoulders, they too are bigger than the neck of her shirt.  So with some difficult pulling and tugging by dad, the shirt finally came off. But not without a lot of tears.  

Now, how do you explain to a 6 year old, who is thoroughly put out with her dad, that it really is not in fact his fault that she is hurting.  If she had taken the shirt off correctly the first time all of this could have been avoided?  There is no reasoning with her at this point.
I am at my home, I can not dry the tears, I can’t really do anything but tell her I love her and miss her and I’ll see her tomorrow.  Then chuckle when I hang up the phone.  Hopefully today has been better for her, but if not, I will be there tonight to kiss and hug her and cuddle all the bad-day goobers away.  I will tickle and tease and play and hug and kiss and love her until I find her ever-bright smile again.

Life with Newt is never boring, even on her terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad days.