Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Life is too uncertain

The girls had a fund raiser earlier this year for school.  I had picked up all the stuff they sold, which meant I needed to get this to their father.  Easiest option for me, have him come by and pick it up.  Easy because I don’t have to load the kids into the car and drive to where ever he is.  Easy because I can hand him the bag of goodies and be done.  Or so I thought.  He showed up, (30 minutes late) and of course asked to use the facilities.  Fine.  Whatever, just don’t go camping in there.   Then he decides to invite himself to have a seat and get comfortable on the sofa and visit with the kids. HELLO?  No, get your stuff, get out, good-bye.  Dinner is ready in the kitchen, and he’s dilly dallying around in my living room.  Ok, granted, I’m to blame for this, I did suggest he come over and get his stuff.  I did open the door and said ‘Come in’.  I had spent his entire ‘visit’ avoiding any kind of eye contact and completely ignoring him, making it abundantly clear I had no interest in him at all.  Finally I had to say to him, ‘Look, you got your stuff, it’s time for the kids to eat, you have got to go.  Good-bye.’  

I have created the boundaries, I have maintained the emotional distance I worked so hard to establish.  Therapy paid off.  I have no desire to get involved with him again.  I no longer love him; I am no longer in love with him.  I don’t hate him (although there are some out there who would say I should be) I just feel nothing.  I can claim complete indifference to him.  I have managed to get him out of my head and out of my heart and no matter how hard or how often he tries; he’s not getting back in.  I can say I have completely divorced him, legally and emotionally.

Around 8:15 he calls me.  My first thought is ‘Damn this idiot is persistent’ but I answered the phone anyway.  Turns out he’s calling to tell me that his best friend’s step-brother was killed yesterday.  Why bother me?  I’m friends with E and M and it was E’s brother B, whom I have known for several years, that was killed.  Details at this point are sketchy at best.  I know that he was back at work for a construction company, his FIRST day back at work with this particular company.  They were digging a trench, and it collapsed.  B got caught in it and the crew couldn’t get him out.  There will be an autopsy performed today so more details will be known in a day or two.  I can only hope and pray that when it collapsed it killed him instantly.  I can not fathom the crew seeing this happen and working frantically to get to him and get him out, only to find out their efforts were too little, too late, he was gone by the time they got to him.  I can not imagine what it would have been like for B is he didn’t die instantly, but had to lay there, buried, hoping, praying that someone got to him in time, and then to realize they weren’t going to make it to him.  What was his final minutes like, what was it like to realize he was taking his final breath?  Knowing he would never see his fiancé again, or hold his baby again.  Fighting for his life, fighting the rising panic, and then finally accepting the inevitable, and letting go.

B was one of those bad boys every girl loves.  He was gorgeous in a bad boy kind of way.  Perpetually tan, buff built body from construction, gorgeous black hair and dark dark eyes.  He was always in trouble with the law, under age drinking, driving without a license.  We all were sure B’s life choices would do him in.  We all were sure we’d hear B had died in a drunk driving accident.  Turns out, after doing a short stint in prison, he had finally learned, and had started pulling it all together.  He had found a girl to love, and who loved him. They just had a baby; they were engaged to be married.  He finally had his life back on track and had a bright future ahead of him.  And now, it’s gone, it’s over.  His baby will never get to know him.  His life was cut too short, his light is gone now.

Listening to the few scant details last night, I sat in shock.  Shock that it had happened at all. You never expect someone you know to be taken from you so unexpectedly.  It’s so hard to comprehend that yesterday when I woke up the world still had B.  That baby had a Daddy.  Last night when I went to bed there was one less person in the world, and a baby had lost their daddy.  A woman had lost her partner, E had lost his brother, E’s children had lost their uncle, and his parents had lost their son.  I promise you, not one of us thought that would have been possible yesterday.  

Death of someone so young is so unexpected and so hard to comprehend.  Listening to everything, I sat there in shock. I couldn’t feel anything, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t yell, I was numb, from shock.  I don’t understand how this could happen.  He was too young to die. He’d just gotten things together, he was finally doing it right.  It’s just too hard to comprehend, he was here yesterday, now he’s gone.  How does that happen?

It just shows you never know what today will bring.  You never know how much time you have.  It makes life so uncertain again.  I hugged my kids a little tighter last night and this morning.  I kissed them one more time and told them ‘I love you’ till they were tired of hearing it.  Losing someone like this makes you appreciate what you have and makes you aware that life is temporary.  I haven’t seen B in 5 or 6 years, but his death still has profound effects on me.  I am reminded to make sure to tell the people I love just how much I love them.  You just never know if you’ll get the chance again.

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