Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Faith Hope and Love

The walls have gone up again, he’s pulled away.  There is something awful, dark, foreboding, and completely invisible to me between us.  He won’t talk about it now.  That’s the way he is.  There are those who would say that’s unfair to me, but that’s the way he is, always has been.  Kind of unfair to ask him to change, when I can accept.

My mind races with possibilities of what it could be.  Could it be the holidays?  They’re usually stressful for people.  Could it be his job?  He’s been restless for a long time and now with J & S back in the picture, he’s not top dog.  Could it be where he’s considering going to work?  It’s the equivalent of selling his soul.  They’ve owned his life for too long, and if he goes back there….he may never be free.  Forget how good the money is, it’s not worth his soul, or his happiness.  Could it be that the kids and I together represent something just too close to family, to commitment, to permanent?  Couple that with the holidays and it’s a pretty big pill to swallow.  Could it be that he feels we’ve run our course and he’s ready to move on?  If that’s the case, why not just tell me?  

My deepest desire is to call him and talk this out.  He’s not one to talk, especially when he doesn’t have the answers.  Pushing to get the answers I want would only make an uncomfortable situation intolerable. It would force him to give me answers to questions he doesn’t really know the answers too.  It would be the equivalent of an ultimatum, which never work.  They always backfire.  It all comes back to faith.  I have to have faith that this will work itself out.  It may not work itself out the way I want it to, and I may not get the answers I was hoping for. But I am a firm believer that the truth, no matter how awful or how painful is always better than not knowing.  So, truthful answers, even if they are not the ones I want, are better than not knowing at all.  His truth, no matter how painful to me it might be, is always better than my imagination.   It all comes back to trust and faith.  I have to trust and have faith, no matter how hard that is

I have a feeling, (maybe just hope) that the distance and barriers are not about us, not entirely.  He did say he’s dealing with the ‘shit’ of his life right now.  I know that he’s going to talk to the devil itself tonight.  And in true evil tradition, the offer of money, lots and lots of money is tempting, but the price is very, very high, (his soul for at least 4 years).  The have owned his life for 2 years, they own it still for one more, then he would be free and clear.  Going back now would only tack an additional 3 years on to the deal he’s about to make.  His fate would be sealed.  The money is good, very, very good, but the hours are long, the bullshit deep and the price to be paid is steep.  

I can’t make this choice for him, I can’t play devil’s advocate, I can’t argue either side, because to me, the price they are asking is too much, I’d never give it, no matter how good the money.  One of his truths, though, is that he’s driven in part by the almighty dollar.  

It all boils down to faith hope and love.  I have to have faith this will work out for us and we’ll find our way back to happier places and times.  I have to hope our final chapter hasn’t been written yet, or if it has, we haven’t gotten to it yet.  I know that I love him and I want him to be happy.  I have to have Faith and I have to Hope that Love is enough.

Now abide Faith, Hope, and Love, these three.  And the greatest of these is love.

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