Thursday, November 30, 2006

Tonight's decathalon

As of right now (2:15 PM CST) the sleet, rain, ice is just started to fall again. It had actually subsided for a few hours earlier, but round 2 (or is it 3) is just getting started. We are watching the weather radar like hawks, and everyone who has reason to be out on the roads is calling with weather/travel updates.

Tonight I will gather the girls, and go home and make a huge pot of chili for dinner. Nothing goes better with snow/ice than hot chili. It will fill the house with comfort food aroma and I will grab blankets and snuggle up on the couch with the girls while dinner simmers.

The girls of course will bitch and moan and whine and complain and gag "I hate chili!" the entire time.

I will be the mean mother that I am, and tell them they can not have peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. No you can not have mac 'n' cheese. No, you're not eating just yogurt for dinner either. Yes, you do have to eat all of it, red beans included.

Of course, when the chili is done simmering, and the bowls have been filled and dished out, the girls will sit down with one final hurrah of complaint "Do I have to eat it all? I hate chili!" and promptly sit there and eat 3 bowls each.


Cast of Characters

I have a new audience, actually, I have a growing audience. So, as a courtesy to my new readers, I’ll post this cast of characters so that everyone can be on the same page and know who exactly I’m talking about.

We’ll start at home. Obviously, there’s me. I’m the mom of 3 kids, the sister to a brother and a sister, the daughter of my mom and my dad. I have step parents as well, who are, by all accounts, pretty cool. I have more drama in my life than TNT and less humor than TBS. But it’s my goal in life to find the humor in the drama, and ignore the drama in the humor.

My 3 kids:

First there is Bo. He’s 13. Like his father (Don’t laugh, he was cute in high school when I met him. The years have NOT been kind) before him, he believes that every girl in the world is crazy over him. They may well be crazy for Bo, they weren’t however for his father. I try to keep him as grounded as possible, without bruising his fragile ego. It’s a fine line I walk. He is into sports, but sometimes I wonder if he isn’t playing sports to appease his father’s need to live vicariously through his son. My sister (I’ll introduce her later) swears Bo will grow up to become a hairdresser, and that would be just rewards for his father. I agree. Bo is a good kid, who’s had a hard life, but there’s hope for him.

Then there is Tate. She’s 9. She may look just like her father, she is growing up to be just like me, (God help her). She has finally discovered the joy of reading and now has her nose stuck in a book all the time. She feels things deeply, when she loves it’s with her whole heart, when she cries she empties her soul, when she smiles she lights up a room, and when she laughs it’s the sweetest sound. This child will save the world, one broken heart at a time.

Last, is Newt who is 7 going on 30. She was a surprise (not an accident) and has been a great source of pride, joy and angst. She is spunky, funny, brave, independent, sensitive, cute, irritating and everything I want to be when I grow up. She does her own thing, doesn’t care what anyone else thinks. She learned early on that if she didn’t keep up Bo and Tate would leave her behind, and so now, she is often the leader. She is my informer, making sure I know every last detail of everyone else’s business. She plays by her own set of rules, and if you don’t like it you don’t have to play.

I have a sister and you can read about her on her blog. I will tell you this, when asked, she will give you her honest opinion. She will tell you what she sees, what she feels and what she thinks without sparing any feelings. She’s honest to a fault. She expects that in those around her. She offers support and encouragement, but is also there to kick my ass when I need it. I don’t always agree with her, but I always respect her. She is my true north, and I’ve said that more than once. I love her. Sis is married to a wonderful man, and they have two amazing boys, Stealth and Duck

I have a brother too. Growing up, we used to be close, but then I went to college, and then got married, and left him behind with Sis. They got close then. Now that we’re all adults, we’ll it seems to have evened out. Although here lately, he’s been a great source of support that I didn’t know about, until I reached out to him one night for answers to questions he really couldn’t answer, but he tried anyway. I found out just how deeply he loves me and how much he cares about me, and I treasure that.

I have 2 ex husbands, who happen to have the same first name (yes, kept things simple in bed. Shut up. I never called out the wrong name. I never called out any name, but that’s another post entirely). To keep them separate I called them C1 and C2 but Batman (who you will meet in a minute) dubbed C2 The Slug, and that name was so fitting, it stuck. C1 is Bo’s father, and The Slug was the sperm donor for both girls. (hard to call him a father, when he’s not much of a parent….again, another post entirely). I hate to mention her, b/c she is such a waste of a human being, but The Slug has a live-in bitch I lovingly call The Heifer. My personal opinion on this waste of space is that she is nothing to me or the girls, she is just the warm body their sperm donor is currently fucking. And now I really have wasted too much time on them both in this paragraph.

Only because he's a recurring nightmare in my life, I will mention X-BIL. He is The Slug's Twin brother. At one time I would have believed him to be the sane, normal, decent one of the two (yeah, I married the reject). but my opinion of him has changed, or let's just say I see him in a different light now. X-BIL is married to X-SIL and they have two daughters, TD and Hot Stuff.

Then there is Batman. He is the love of my life, but at the wrong time. We had a wonderful glorious 3 months together and the past month has been rocky, turbulent, and hellish at best, but we are getting through it. He’s a wonderful man, and I consider myself lucky to know him and to have loved, and been loved by him. Our story is far from over, so stay tuned. Batman is the father of Scooter and Princess. I love them like they were my own, and miss them very much, but someday…….

I have lots of friends, some IRL and some here on the internet. Most of them are listed on my sidebar, go check out their blogs. Say Hey.

I can’t think of anyone else I need to introduce at this time. All the other cast of characters in my life, are either scattered through the archives of this blog, or I will introduce them as I meet them.

Hope this helps!

Mother Nature at her finest

Today's Forecast: *WINTER STORM WARNING IN EFFECT UNTIL 9AM FRIDAY* Periods of freezing rain and sleet southeast of Jefferson City. Otherwise patchy freezing drizzle with falling temperatures into the low 20s. Strong north wind at 10-20 mph gusting to 30 at times. Snow developing during the mid afternoon hours. Snow may be heavy and blowing at times. Snow is likely through the evening hours. Snow will be blowing and heavy at times. Expect 6 inches to 12 inches by morning with some areas picking up as much as 18 inches.

Yup, that's the weather today. It started last night, with rain. Not a nice gentle rain, not even a rain storm. Nope, this was a gusher or a gully washer. Noah was building his ark last night folks. They say that for every inch of rain that falls, that is the equivelent of 12 inches of snow. If that's true, we could have had 6 feet of snow by now. Thank god the temps were warm enough it was just rain last night.

Sometime while I slept, the bottom fell out of the temperture, and we have ice. As of 8:00 this morning, the roads were still just warm enough they weren't bad, but you could tell they were hovering at 32/33 degrees, it was getting dicey out there. The rain had slowed down considerably, but it was no longer rain, it was sleet. They are calling for snow to start falling late this afternoon, early evening and not let up until sometime tomorrow. The numbers I've heard so far are anywhere from 9 to 14 inches, but who knows what we'll actually get when it's all said and done.

I braved the roads this morning, to get to work, (need the $$) and will gather the girls tonight and go home. The kitchen is stocked, the house is warm, and we have books, movies and games to entertain us. We're good.

I just mentioned yesterday that my kids have never experienced a snowfall like I used to play in. They've never had a 2-3 foot snowfall. 2 or 3 inches? Yes, 2 or 3 feet? Never. Me and my big mouth.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...inside and out. Bring it on Mother Nature. I'm ready.

Christmas Meme

Eggnog or Hot Chocolate?: Hot Chocolate, without a doubt, and usually with peppermint schnapps in it. Tastes like mint chocolate. Yum!

Does Santa Wrap presents or do they just go under the tree?: The big presents usually are from Santa and they don’t get wrapped.

Coloured lights on tree/House or white?: I use a combination of both, although last year, the lights were all white and the ornaments were all burgundy and silver. Very simple, elegant and pretty.

Do you hang mistletoe?: Uh, no, why? Nobody around to kiss me but my kids, and well, they don’t need mistletoe.

When do you put decorations up?:. Sometime after Thanksgiving, when the mood strikes. I’m thinking mine will go up this weekend, w/o the kids, and that’s really early for me.

What is your favourite Holiday Dish? Uh, I’m not sure I have a favorite holiday dish. I’m not sure my family has a holiday dish to chose from….

Favourite Holiday Memory as Child?: Sitting around opening presents with my cousins and my grandmother. She always was one to sit on the floor with the grandkids and enjoy the holidays with us. It was the one time of the year, she ‘relaxed’ and had fun with us.

When and How did you learn the truth about Santa?: I’m not sure…I remember it was the year I got my Lite-Brite. I sat out cookies and milk for Santa, but the next morning, I told everyone my uncle had eaten the cookies when he got home from his date.

Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? Nope, there are never any presents under the tree before Santa comes…not even the ones from me to the kids.

How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? Usually drunk. LOL No, while yelling at the kids who have taken all the decorations out of the box to look at them (like they’ve never seen them before) and left them laying all around the living room and then the kids have magically disappeared. ARG

Snow. Love it or dread it? My theory on snow? If it’s going to snow it had better snow so damn deep Nobody gets out. If it can’t do that, then it had better stay off the roads. Not that I’m particular or anything.

Can you ice skate? Why would I want to? I have in the past, and I’m not good at it.

Do you remember your favorite gift? I have diamond earrings from my sister, a bracelet from my mother and a necklace from my brother. I wear them all, every single day.

What is the most important thing about the holidays to you? Being with my family. My brother is in the military and has been for 13 years. We have been blessed to have him home with us Every single Christmas.

Favourite Holiday Dessert? Uh…Pecan pie, I guess, I don’t know… I love Christmas cookies.

Do you prefer giving or receiving? If I find the PERFECT gift for someone I love giving.
What is your favourite Christmas Song The Christmas Song (Chestnuts roasting on an open fire) or I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Candy Canes? Great in hot chocolate, or hanging on a tree…

The Crack in the ice widens, it's starting to thaw

I won't go into details (it's really boring actually) but he called me last night, and sent an email, and we talked. The 'freeze out' he put into effect, has started to thaw.

It all boils down to this, I can accept that things have changed, drastically for us, and will never again be the same. But I don't want to lose the friendship I had with him. I will accept being his friend, nothing more. I just want to know that I CAN call him if I want to, but that I won't call him every day. I just miss being able to talk to him. I hate the silence, the walls between us. I just want my friend back.

And when I told him that, he seemed to understand. I think he misses our friendship too. I think he still cares about me or he would have told me to drop dead. He never did that. I think he still cares about me, to some extent, because here we are.

I will take this, and treasure it. I will guard and protect it. This is precious beyond words. We will be friends for now, and who knows what will happen some where down the road. But I'm not planning on that, I'm accepting this gift, today.

It is what it is, nothing more, nothing less. "Life's funny like that, once we let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong." When I stopped trying to force him, control the situation, well, life has a funny way of working out.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The Ice has been broken

Finally, an email.

I made a slide show for him, a while back, of his car. I took pictures of it this summer, and made him a ‘storyboard’ of sorts. It hangs in his office at work. He loves it, even repainted the office to coordinate with the pictures.

Anyway, I uploaded the slide show to YouTube, and posted a link to it on the blog we share. I forget it would send an email to him, but it did. And he replies

The orange rocket is gone.

Sell it? Trade it in? Did you get your Lincoln?

Traded it in got my Lincoln LS Silver. (picture sent by him)

It’s not much, but it’s a start. I’ll take it and not push the issue. At least the ice has been broken.

Say a little (lot, huge) prayer for me……

Resume' Advice

Ok, I may have mentioned before that this job I’m at right now is just a temp gig. The receptionist quit, and well, they needed someone to fill in while they looked for a new receptionist.  Eh, what do I care really? It’s a pay check, little to no real work involved, and time to stay connected with On-line friends.

So, in the course of filling in, I had to open the daily mail, when means I was privy to all the résumé’s that were sent in to apply for this position.  OMG!  You would not believe what we got.  Here are a few examples of what NOT to do on your resume’.

If you are going to include your email address, please make sure it is as professional sounding as possible.  I know that some on-line email services (yahoo) allows you 6 ID’s or email addresses, all of them free.  So, take a minute and set up one ID with your name, either first and last, or first initial and last name.  Do NOT use the email address googley_bear, or mistrixofdarkness or anything that is less than what you would like people to call you at work.  

Please, please, please be sure that the contact information on the resume’ is current and correct.  I know every one of us has a resume’ saved on our computer, and it’s easy to just pull up, update with latest work experience, print and go.  But please be sure that your address and phone number is correct.  If they are not, and you notice this after you print it, DO NOT cross it out and hand write the correct information on there.  It takes 30 seconds to update it, save it, and print it again.  Done.

Same goes for work experience.  Update it on the computer BEFORE you print it.  Do NOT hand write the information on there.  It looks tacky, and it looks like you don’t proof read things before you print them (why? B/c you obviously don’t).  What does that say about your attention to detail?  Not much.

Now, some of you are looking for a new job, while currently employed.  Who among us hasn’t done that?  Fine. Be discrete. Do it on your lunch, on your break.  But please, for the love of $$, do not use your current work email address as a contact email address on your resume.  Don’t you guys know that everything sent while at work, is legally the property of your employer?  They can access your email accounts (especially ones they have set up for you, provided for you) without your knowledge and without your permission.  Do you really want them to know that not only are you looking for a new job, you’re doing it on their time, using their email address?  Uh, no.

Kid you not, I saw all of this on resume’ s of people they DIDN’T consider for the job. I wonder why?

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I don't want to be here

Can I just say, I am numb and exhausted. It has been a long hard journey today towards truth. I have let the universe take me where I need to be, but let me tell you I went kicking and screaming, stomping my feet and pouting, screaming and crying the whole entire way.

I don't like it here. *stomping my feet some more* It's not where I want to be, but damn it, I know that I need to be here, for whatever reason. Maybe Batman is down this path, some where, waiting for me, or maybe I need to clear the path for him. Maybe not. All I know is, he's not with me now and that hurts more than I can say.

So I will gather the children tonight, take them home and love them more than usual, just to comfort myself and ease the ache and emptiness I feel. Tomorrow is another day, another perspective.

Whatever. I don't want to be here any more. I hate it here. I want to go home.

On Universal Time

Live and let live. That's your motto, or at least it should be, especially right now. It can be very difficult to accept people exactly as they are, but doing so is well within your capacity. Practice acceptance and kindness

Horoscopes usually don’t mean much to me, but you obviously couldn’t tell that from this week. That’s today’s horoscope up there.

I had an honest discussion with a friend of mine today. About Batman. Surprise there.

MM: the only thing you can do it give it time, give him time, and yourself, you both need to deal with your issues BEFORE getting heavily involved. Ok I’m done preaching. Sorry. Are you ok?
beckyhd35: I'm fine....that's all on my blog... you should read it. At least the month of November...
MM: I have been. Still reading. I worry about you.
beckyhd35 (11/28/2006 12:37:26 PM): I'm fine. I just have bad days now and again
MM: well, if you do things right, the bad days will become fewer
beckyhd35: I know, but I don't care about the bad days, I want to do things right so I have my friend back...I'll probably never get my soul mate back, but I want at least his friendship
MM: that's realistic
beckyhd35: not bloody likely
MM: the friendship part, it could be. Gonna take some time and effort on both parts
beckyhd35: pigs could fly too
MM: my aren't we optimistic
beckyhd35: I am, really, I'm just tired of banging my head against a brick wall.
MM: it takes time, hon, be patient.
beckyhd35: yeah, we've covered that.... I'm not, but I guess I will learn
MM: like you've got a choice
beckyhd35: I pout about it?
MM: the harder you try to push him, the farther away form you he will run
MM: of course
beckyhd35: epiphany from yesterday

Now my horoscope from today… Live and let live. That's your motto, or at least it should be, especially right now. It can be very difficult to accept people exactly as they are, but doing so is well within your capacity. Practice acceptance and kindness

Think the universe it trying to tell me something? Sis tells me “If we can allow ourselves to truly be present, in the moment with ourselves and if we can trust that the universe can lead us to things when we’re ready to be led to them, then the end result is ultimate growth, empowerment, expansion, wisdom, courage, strength, and a deep and sincere understanding of our worth and our sense of self and our meaning for being on this planet.” Trust that the universe can lead up to things when we’re ready to be led to them…. The universe is leading me somewhere, and I'm not sure I like where it's going, but I also am not sure I have a choice. I just have to come to terms with is, and accept it, learn from it, and go on.

I hurt so much this weekend, because I think I was finally wrapping my heart and soul and head around Goodbye. Goodbye to what we had, because we’ll never have that again, goodbye to what I thought could have been, should have been. Goodbye to my expectations, my needs, my wants, my demands. Goodbye to holding on to something that doesn’t exist any more.

The ball is in his court now. I have some things still at his house, that I will have to get, one way or another. I have a birthday/Christmas present that I have to get to him too. All of that will happen in time, it’s own time, not my time, not his time. When the time is right, and only the universe knows when that is.

Fair Play

Turn about is fair play. In return for allowing me to shoot a few pictures of the girls last night, I had to agree to allow them to shoot some of me too. And they exacted a promise from me, "If you're going to put our pictures on your better put yours on there too." (the hoodlums...damn).

So, the girls took these last night, and because I keep my promises, here they are. Posted by Picasa

My Girls came home last night

The girls came home last night! I couldn't get to the sitter's fast enough last night to get them. It was music to my ears to hear them giggle and laugh in the back seat all the way home. Even listening to them bitch about The Slug and The Heifer (his girlfriend) couldn't bring me down. All I could think was 'My girls are home!'

Flash forward 2 hours, when they have strung coats, back packs, shoes, dishes, home work, toys, books, and folders all over my living room. Then the arguements started because Tate had more cherries in her fruit cocktail than Newt did. And they could only find 1 clip for their hair instead of 2, and then who was going to take their shower first....and all I could think was "Oh, shit, my girls are home."

Either way, they are home, and I'm thrilled, and there was much laughing and playing and giggling last night and at the end of the day, I was glad to know they were back under my roof, where they belong. Posted by Picasa

Monday, November 27, 2006

Let go of the wheel.....

God but I love epiphanies! I love Ah-Ha moments. Love it when the light goes on, and I just get it.

Ok, I have a friend who has men issues (don’t we all at some point). To sum it up, she has a guy, and they have a history, and right now they have a physical thing, but not so much an emotional thing, and definitely not a relationship thing. The problem is, the lines get blurred, the rules are not clear, the boundaries are not defined, the expectations have not been spoke of, so there is a lot of miscommunication and a lot of hurt feelings.

Because we’re friends, she comes to me to talk. I’m glad she does, really. I don’t know about the wisdom in her choice to come to me, after all, my love life is a f@#ked up mess right now, but I’m glad she feels comfortable enough to talk to me. Today was no exception. Drama, hurt feelings, anger, pain, tears and the whole nine yards. So, I offered her this bit of wisdom… (yeah, hold on to your seats, it’s a doosey)

There’s a quote from the Movie Little Black Book, that says “Life's funny like that, once we let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.” We’re just alike, and we spend way too much time and energy trying to get the people in our life to act and react the way we’re written the play out in our head. We spend too much time trying to control everyone around us to get the outcome we want. But when we learn to let go…
life has a funny way of working out in it’s own way, in it’s own time, and it’s usually better than anything we could have orchestrated and planned ourselves.

And that my friends, is when the light went on, and I had my epiphany. That is when I had my Ah-Ha moment, and I got it. I got it. (Yeah, ok, I’m slow on the uptake, I’m blonde. Yes I know it’s artificial, sometimes the dye goes a little deeper into the roots, effects the brain processes. Shut up. Give me a break.)

I’ve been toying with the thought of just giving up on Batman completely. Walking away, forgetting all I know, all I believe and just saying “F*#k it all. I was wrong again. I’m never playing the game again. I’m done. I’m giving up hope, giving up on what I believe, forgetting what I know. Done. End. Finished. Dead.” And that was just more than my heart could take. I just couldn’t do it. This morning I had a real sense of peace about things, though. I still woke up at 4:30 when his alarm went off. My first thoughts were of him, like always, but the pain didn’t slam into my heart, it didn’t settle like a weight on my chest, and it didn’t take my breath away. I went about my morning, getting ready for work, I knew he was on the road, when he got to the store, when he opened for business, everything I always know, but I just went out. Didn’t stop, didn’t cry, didn’t dwell. Just let the peace settle over me.

I had a hard weekend this weekend. It was long, it was boring and it was lonely, and it was the holiday. He was in the forefront of my mind, and it hurt. There were a lot of tears this weekend. And several attempts to contact him, to no avail, just a dead end, a brick wall. Frustrating to say the least, but I kept hoping this time he’ll answer…. Nothing from him today either, no emails, no IM’s, no phone calls, but didn’t really expect any. Hoped, but didn’t expect.

Where’s the epiphany? Right here. In calling him, or text messaging him, I was in effect trying to control him, force him to talk to me, on my terms, on my time. If I let go....of my need to talk to him, make him talk to me, then life has a way of working out the way it should. I don’t have to give up the faith and hope that we’ll be together, I don’t have to give up on what I know. I just have to give up on expecting it to happen RIGHT NOW. I have to give up trying to force him to behave in the way I want him to behave right now. If I let go of the wheel, I might just end up where I need to be.

I knew this morning, something would happen today, something that would give me some sense of peace about us. My instincts have always been dead on with B, from the very beginning, I have no reason to doubt them now. Faith. I have to have faith, let go of the wheel and trust it will all be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

Random thoughts

Happy Birthday (?) ah, maybe Happy Anniversary, yeah, that's it. It's now 2:40 pm, CST, and that means that 2 months ago today, I was getting out of B's car, and walking into his place of employment, with my newly aquired hair do, thanks to Batman. I was getting ready to introduce him to his 'new' girlfriend, who was completely and totally head over heels in love with her new hair and totally besotted (yeah, new word, no one uses it any more...) with her man who would do something as totally wonderful as this. In case you're wondering (and I know you're not) I am still in love with my hair, yes it looks a little like Nicole Richie's but it also looks like Jessica Simpson's new do. And yes, I'm still, 2 months later, amazed, blown away, and still eternally grateful that B would do something like this for me.

Today's Horoscope: Something that seems settled suddenly changes direction, but there's no need to worry. This is just a small detour before everything gets back on track. In the meantime, sit back and enjoy the scenery on the ride.

Anyone care to comment on that one? Something that seems settled, suddenly changes direction, but there's no need to worry. OK, something that seems settled....Batman seems pretty settled into this Cone of Silence he's entered into in regards to me lately. Does anything else seem settled in my life? Hell no. ...suddenly changes he going to pick up the phone and call me? (Did hell freeze over and I missed the memo?) No need to worry. Hell, who's worried?

It's a horoscope, generated by Yahoo, of all people. I don't take it too seriously, and I sure as hell don't plan my life around it. But I'll keep the phone on and close at hand all night.....Just in case.....

Stay tuned for further updates...

5:00 yet?

Jiminy Cricket, is it 5:00 yet? Oh, I know it is somewhere (Thanks Jimmy) but I’m not there. And neither are my girls. So, I wait.

The girls, Tate and Newt, have been gone since Wednesday morning when I dropped them off at the sitter’s house. I have not seen or heard from them since. Oh, not that I didn’t want to, but because The Slug refuses to allow them to talk to me when they are with him. (yes, a direct violation of the court ordered divorce decree….just helps my motion to modify)

Tonight, they come home! The minute I get off work at 5:00 tonight, there will not be anything in the world to stop me from flying to the sitter’s house and picking up my precious bundles and holding them close to me. Hell, I will even forgive them for leaving clothes and book bags and shoes and coats all over my living room, because that just means THEY’RE HOME!

5 hours to go….but who’s counting?

Uh, ME!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Your laugh for the day

As some of you may or may not know (and all of you may or may not care) I don't have my highspeed internet at home right now. Yes, when The Slug stops paying child support, internet has to go, so that the kids can eat (them pigs).

So, that has meant for me that my internet usage has been limited to the availability of a computer and a connection elsewhere. Oh joy, oh joy! That usually entails either driving to the library and using their computers, or going to my mother's to use her's. The problem with the library is, they are only open certain hours during the weekend, and it's 40 minutes away. The problem with going to my mother's is, I feel like I'm intruding on her weekend (Because I am) and she's still on dial up, so being on-line ties up her phone lines. I try to avoid this as much as I possibly can.

So, this weekend, I hunted down a friend of mine, who I knew had an extra laptop they weren't using, and begged them to please let me borrow it, just for the weekend (ok, maybe 2) along with the wireless connection card they have. Now, I still don't have internet at home, so my problem has not been solved, but alas....The McD's just up the road (like a mile or maybe 2) has free WI-FI, and bingo, bango, I'm connected. Yes, I am still limited to their operating hours, but let me tell you, their lobby is open from 6:00AM to 11:00PM. I can surf the internet for a hell of a long time, visit everyone I want to say Hey to, and still not worry about a time restraint. Grab me a cup of coffee, or a soda, and I'm good for hours.

In fact, it is now 5:20 PM and (you're gonna laugh) I've been here since 3:00-ish. Found a seat right next to an electrical outlet, and bingo, I'm good to go. It has passed the better part of this afternoon, kept me from wallowing in self pity and tears. It has kept me entertained, and updated and informed. It has helped eliviate the boredom of a Sunday afternoon with a race to watch. Right now, watching a football game, especially a Rams football game is just too painful, reminders of weekends spent watching football with Batman and his Dad.

When I'm not here surfing the web, I am at home cleaning, reading, watching movies (yeah, I watched A Few Good Men and Cocktail today. Don't laugh. Shut up, they were distracting and they were before he lost his ever-loving mind. I wonder if he misses it?) I also, when the mood strikes, can set down and write a post or two for the blogs, and then later, when I feel like it, come back up here, grab another cup of coffee and spend a couple more hours (ok, or 1) surfing the web and posting away.

I will be so glad to be back at work tomorrow, back among people, all day, so that I will have people to talk to, to distract me, entertain me, and I won't have to focus so much on how long I've been alone this weekend. Also...tomorrow at this time, my girls will be back at home. I miss them, god I miss them. They've been gone almost a whole week.

Today's horoscope...yeah, they missed this one...

A powerful partnership will soon take center stage in your life if you give it a chance. This may take up a lot of energy, so make sure you get enough rest, eat right and otherwise take top-notch care of yourself.

And that my friends is my horoscope for today. So, let's break it down, shall we?

A powerful partnership will soon take center stage in your life if you give it a chance. (Ok, we all know that the only powerful partnership I'm interested in is the one that includes me and Batman. Yeah, don't see that happening. I would not be opposed to a short term partnership with Ed McMahon, as long as he promises to bring that REALLY BIG PCH check with him. It will be a short lived partnership, only long enough for him to hand the dough over to me.)

This may take up a lot of energy, so make sure you get enough rest, eat right, and otherwise take top-notch care of yourself. (yeah yeah, yeah. Let's be honest, the only partnership I want is the one I obviously can't have right now, and the only energy I want to be expending in that area, happens to be the energy expended in the privacy of his bedroom--or on the balcony. Oh, sorry Bud, I know....WAY too much information.)

So, I would have to say that today's horoscope is pretty bunk if you ask me. Sometimes they're right, and sometimes they're wrong. eh, batting .500 ain't bad.

My Truth

I am writing this and posting it here, because I need to think it through, and maybe come clean about some things. But I am afraid to admit this to you, my friends, and especially to myself, but more afraid to admit it to Batman. I know that posting this here is safe, Batman avoids this blog (along with the personal blog I made for him) like the plague.

Something happened last week, Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, that pissed Batman off. Royally. He’s shut me out, closed the door, refuses to talk to me, refuses to answer his phone, every thing. The details are irrelevant. I hold on to the fact that I didn’t do what he thinks I did, but apparently the truth is completely irrelevant to him at this point. And here’s another admission that I will NEVER let get back to Batman. The fact that he has tried and convicted me, found me guilty, and is completely and totally uninterested in the truth and the proof I have to prove what I say is true, is classic Slug behavior. The Slug would find me guilty of all sorts of imagined crimes and infractions, and then demand that I prove otherwise. The problem with that was, nothing I did to prove my innocence was good enough. He wasn’t interested in the truth, he already had the truth in his head. Batman is doing the same thing. Exactly.

That pisses me off too. For someone who claimed all along that The Slug was exactly that, The Slug, a worthless piece of shit who never deserved me, or to the father to my daughters, who had serious malfunctions in his brain because he treated us like shit, B is acting just like him. B could never understand how The Slug could treat me the way he did. B could never fathom how The Slug could be the callous asshole that he was, and now, it turns out that B is acting just like The Slug.

It hurts that he can just turn his back, shut me out and ignore me. It hurts that he can be completely indifferent to me. It feels like he doesn’t care any more, and that may be true, but it also feels as if he may never have cared at all. After all, how can you do this to someone you claimed to love as much as he claimed to love me?

I’m hurt, yes, and I’m pissed. And that is what’s the hardest to admit. Admitting that I’m pissed off at him, mad at what he’s doing, that’s the hardest part. Admitting that I’m pissed that there is no reasoning with him, that there is no getting him through to him.

I know that being mad, being pissed, being hurt, none of those things have to take away from me loving him. I can be mad at him and still love him. The question is, do I still love him? Or am I just hanging on to something that no longer exists now because I’m afraid to let it go and admit that it’s all over and I was wrong all along, yet again?

And if I was wrong, or better yet, because I was wrong, I will never step up to the plate and play the game again. I will walk away from love this time, and never come close to it again. I KNEW, damn it I still KNOW in my heart and soul, that we were meant to be together. He knew it too. He believed it too.

I don’t know how to let go, I don’t know how to give up, I don’t know how to stop loving him, even when it’s apparent now, that he doesn’t love me. And it hurts that his behavior now is even making me question his feelings for me since August. If I question his feelings, then I have to question mine, and I question everything, EVERYTHING we said and did, planned, hoped, dreamed, talked about, felt. EVERYTHING.

I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to walk away, I don’t want to turn my back, I don’t want to believe this is it, that there is nothing else. I don’t want to believe that I could once again be wrong, and that this time I could be THIS FUCKING WRONG!!! Everything was right, everything was exactly what I wanted and hoped for and dreamed of. There was never a deal breaker, never any reason to question anything. Until now.

I don’t want to be here and now. I want to go back, to when he loved me, when I knew, when he knew. When it was right, when everything was right. I don’t want to be here, not now, not ever. I don’t want to face tonight, I don’t want to face tomorrow, I don’t want to face anymore without him.

Yesterday's horoscope

As the result of all your efforts, you find your life interwoven with a group of wonderful people. And it all happened so organically, too! See how things flow wonderfully when you make an attempt to follow your bliss?

That was my horoscope yesterday. Every once in a while, those horoscope people get it right. It took so little effort, really, just stop in, Say Hello, and bam, I have more 'friends' stopping my my place every day. I am meeting new people every day and making new friends.

I know, it sounds so simple, and such a no-brainer. I may have grown up the Preacher's Daughter, and that meant meeting new people all the time, I was still really shy. (I know, hard to believe, but yeah.) It still is uncomfortable for me at times to make the first move. Blogs can be such a personal thing, and sometimes I feel like I'm tresspassing when I'm reading blogs of people I don't know and have been 'introduced' to via other bloggers. (Yes, go ahead, I hear you over there laughing. It's my general insecurities coming though. Crazy? Yes, I know.)

Then I thought, you know what, if they didn't want strangers to read their blogs, they wouldn't have a blog on the internet. And really, what is a stranger but a friend you haven't met yet. And the only way to make a friend is to be a friend. It takes so little effort and I have nothing to lose, to just say "Hey, I really enjoy reading your blog. Hope you don't mind if I come back and visit often."

Today started out a bad day...I will get through it

The tears fall like rain today, unbridled, unchecked. There is a reason for them, and trying to stop them is just putting off the inevitable. Not just tears, not just weeping. Today it is gut wrenching, soul emptying, want to die sobbing. And yet, I’ve been before, and have come through it, on the other side. I will get through this today as well.

I miss him. It hurts so much, every day. Even though we weren’t together, I knew that he was still there. Now, he’s gone, and I can’t reach him. The emptiness, the void that his absence has left in my heart and soul is too big to bridge.

What is the point of playing the game if you always lose? I played the game, I played by the rules this time. Yes, I made 1 mistake, but it wasn’t a fatal mistake. Some one else joined in and made the fatal mistake, and it cost me every thing. I lost anyway, by no fault of my own.

If this is how the game if played, I don’t ever want to play again. I can’t stand this hurt any more. It’s more than I can bare. It’s more than I can stand. It takes too much effort to pretend that every thing in my life is ok. It’s not ok.

I don’t want to play any more. I don’t want to hurt any more. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest and trampled on and thrown away. I feel swallowed up by hoplessness. I am empty inside, there is nothing left of me, nothing left to give. Going on, getting by, getting through is more than I can muster.

I am ready to lay down and be done. I want to crawl into a hole and disappear, I want to stop being, stop hurting, stop everything. Today, I truly want to die. I can’t face another day of this, another day full of pain, and hurt and heartbreak.

The question that haunts my days lately, is “Do I believe what I believe, because I truly believe it, or do I cling to that, because I’m afraid to let it go, and what that means?” Do I still believe we are meant to be together, because I truly believe we are meant to be together, or do I cling to that belief because letting go means it’s no longer true and I have to let him go. I don’t have the answer to that question, but I’m not sure I don’t have the answer because I truly don’t know the answer, or if I just refuse to look deep enough to find the answer.

I have moments, sometimes few, sometimes hours, when I just want to give up. The thought of another minute, another hour, another day without him to share it with, is more than I can fathom. It’s more than I want to face. But I take it a breath at a time, a heartbeat at a time. Both of those I know I can get through because I know they take no conscience effort on my part. And I find that eventually, I get through, and the pain, lessons, the emptiness ebbs, and I find that I can rise above it, and go on.

Weeks ago, when all of this fell apart. I would spend hours trying to make sense of every thing. Trying to find hope, trying to accept what I didn’t want to accept. I questioned everything then too. I questioned, “Did I believe, or was I blowing smoke up my own ass?” and “Do I have enough faith to let go and trust what I know in my heart?” or “Am I just making up a bunch of bullshit to ease my own pain, and avoid the truth, and deny what is really happening?”

I woke up this morning, and squarely hit the brick wall. And once I hit it, the bricks then settled on my chest, weighing around my heart. The question I faced today was this, “Do I have the strength, the courage, the conviction to continue to believe what I believe, or should I just admit defeat and let it all go?” The answer of that still eludes me. The one thing I do know, beyond all doubt, and that is, I’m done playing the game. I won’t put myself out there again. I won’t allow anyone to get close to my heart again. I gave it to Batman, and I believed then that he was The One. I still believe that. Don’t ask my why, don’t ask how I know, even in the midst of this, I know.

And so, I face another day. Thank God it’s Sunday and tomorrow I can go back to work. I have managed to survive so far, I can manage to get through one more day. Movies, books, alcohol, whatever it takes. I will stay away from the alcohol, I will bury myself in books and movies, and try to distract my mind. Although, when not engaged in something meaningful, my mind tends to fly to where my heart is…..Home. With Batman.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Just passing along

At the risk of my sister claiming I'm copying this from her (I'm not) I am posting this link here. I am putting this here, to just pass along the word of a cool website she introduced on her blog today.

I am a HUGE fan of Postsecret. I own the first book, was disappointed in the second, but I know that every one has a secret (or 2 or 10) and that somewhere in the world, some one shares your secret.

Group hug is along the same lines, although the secrets are not put on postcards and mailed to Frank, these secrets are posted on line, and everyone who finds this site can read them. I'm sure there are secrets there that I very well could have posted but didn't. Much like PostSecret.

Secrets seem to be all the rage nowadays. Even Cosmopolitan this month has a page dedicated to secrets, but they reference PostSecret as their inspiration and source. There is also Oceangram which is the internet's answer to a message in a bottle. You can 'write' your secret on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and send it out in the ocean. Some one some where, when visiting this website, could very well catch your bottle and read your secret.

So, as Lil Sis says, if you've got something to get off your chest, you've got plenty of options to chose from where and how to do that. Go read other people's confessions, secrets, hopes, dreams, whatever. Get a group hug, and realize even if you don't know them, there is someone out there going through exactly what you are going through right now. And there is someone out there who has survived can too.

Christmas Present

See that jacket right there? Yeah, that one to the left there. The Triple-A jacket? Uh huh, yeah. That is a twill racing jacket from the Mark Martin racing team. Mark Martin, who is going into semi-retirement next year (yeah, he's only gonna race 178 races next year? That sounds like retirement to me..uh, no.) Anyway, Mark Martin is not only my mother's favorite driver, he happens to be Batman's favorite driver.

We spent many an hour on the internet this summer looking for this jacket, and we stopped at plenty of malls this summer, hoping to find this jacket at some sports store, or a NASCAR store. Oh, they had them, as long as you are a LG or an XLG. Batman....isn't.

Even with things they way they are between us now, I know that this Christmas present is going to rock his world. Yeah, it's not nearly as impressive as the 32" flat screen his parents are buying for him, but he already had that picked out and was going to buy it himself. They just stepped up and paid for it. He knows nothing about this coming from me. (Am I worried about him seeing this posted here? Nope. I created a blog just for him, well, for us, actually, and he never goes there either. Blogs just aren't his thing. He never stops by here. comfirms that for me. Thanks Guys!)

I owe a huge THANK YOU to my brother for finding this and sending me the link. I know there are going to be those of you out there that think this is crazy for me to get Batman a Christmas present, when I'm sure I probably won't be getting one from him. I've had this thing ordered and delivered for so long, even before things fell apart for us. No matter what's going on right now with us, or what goes on in the future, I still want him to have this jacket. I think he's gonna love it. I hope so.

He still haunts me....

I have managed to occupy my mind for the most part today. The tears, while still there (will they always be there? Will there ever come a day, I don’t cry? Sometimes I pray yes, others I pray no) have been few. The ache left by him that echoes with his silence is always present.

I made my bed today, (yes, I know, it doesn’t sound so remarkable, but when you consider it rarely gets made, it is remarkable) and I noticed that even still, I only sleep on half the bed. Batman only spent 3 nights here, in the 3 months we were together; he only slept here 3 nights. I spent more nights with him, (than I spent here actually) and yet, I still sleep on my side of the bed, leaving his side untouched. Do I hope he will someday come back and occupy that space that has been reserved for him? Or is it that I just can’t bring myself to reach over there, and feel his absence and be reminded yet again, that he no longer sleeps beside me?

A part of me wants to pack all of the reminders of him, away, and pretend that he doesn’t exist any more. The problem with that is that even though he would be out of sight, he would not be out of mind, or out of my heart or my soul.

The thing with Batman was that we were so alike. My passion was his passion, his was mine. We loved the same things; we shared the same opinion on so many things. He taught me so much about things I didn’t know, but that he loved and enjoyed. I did the same for him. We lived for Sunday’s when we could watch NASCAR in bed together; we watched The Cardinal’s play every night they were televised. We cheered for the same football teams. He taught me to like tennis and golf. He made watching them fun and entertaining. We would discuss cars, both muscle cars, and luxury cars. We discussed music, and our varied tastes in favorites. We shared a long list of people we believed were musical geniuses. We could argue our different points of view without hurting or disrespecting the other. We could talk about everything, anything, for hours at a time, and yet, we could also be together and not say a word and never feel the need to fill the silence with small idle chit chat.

Where I was emotional and quick to react to situations, he is calm and logical. Where I feel things with great intensity, he is laid back, and takes things in stride. He feels deeply the need to take care of those he cares about, doing everything in his power to help them when they need it. He encouraged me to take a stand, and change my future, make a better life for me and my children. He loved my kids almost as if they were his own. He stepped up and became a better father figure in their life than any they had had before. He loved deeply and completely. We both did. The difference is I still do. For a short time, I no longer had 3 kids, I had 5, and I took his kids into my heart as if they were my own. I love them still. I miss them terribly, and it breaks my heart to think I don’t know when I’ll ever see them again.

He told me one day, while he lay on the bed, watching me dress for the day, “I could never get tired of looking at your beautiful body. It’s amazing.” I truly felt beautiful that day, and for the first time in my entire life, was comfortable in my own skin. I remember the night he made love to me, and I saw in his eyes, exactly how he saw me, and I felt truly loved and truly beautiful and treasured. I finally was as beautiful as he had always told me I was.

My heart and soul belong to him, and they have since the day I laid eyes on him, and probably long before that day. They are no longer mine to give to anyone else. The truth of the matter is this, I no longer want anyone else. I will be with him, or I will be alone (and please god, let me end up with him, b/c if I end up alone, I know I will drive my family insane).

They say that when you meet the The One, you know, you just know. Faith Hill sings a song “You Belong” in which she sings... “There’s a voice inside… and I heard it promise me… when you came along, I’d know you by heart. Like a familiar song, every word is telling me that the time has finally come, and here you are…and I know for sure…Baby you belong. Baby you belong, nothing’s ever been so meant to be, never felt so right to me, every single part of me believes Baby you belong, baby you belong, there really is no mystery, I think every one can see that baby you belong with me.” I knew from the beginning. What hurts more, is that he knew too. He knew it, at the beginning, he felt it, he believed it, he told me, and he knew. I don’t know why he’s ignoring it now. But I know that at one time he felt exactly as much, as deep, and as truly as I do.

Blind faith? Maybe. My heart hasn’t let go, my soul refuses to admit defeat. He’s still connected to me in some way, I can’t explain it, except that I know when he wakes every morning, I know when he goes to sleep at night. I know when he is stressed about something, I know when he’s relaxed. My days are sprinkled with thoughts of him, I see him in front of me, and I know what he’s doing. I know when he feeds the horses, I know when he’s on the road to work. I know when he gets to work, I know when he gets home. I instinctively know every thing about his day.

My sister tells me I should move on, I should stop focusing so much time and energy and thoughts on him. I should do something nice for myself, take care of me. The problem with that is, that no matter what it is I would do for me, it would be something Batman and I would have done together. I should focus on something I like, but my passions were his. Every thing I like to do, well, we liked to do together. My photography became a part of our relationship. He learned to see life in Frames like I do. He saw beauty in everything, and now, when I look through my camera, I see life, not just with my eyes, my heart and my soul, I see with his as well. I taught him all I know about photography, and taught him to see life as I see it. I could take a country dirt road and see a picture. “Look, right there….” And he would see what I saw, the kids, walking down the road, side by side, walking away from the camera, all in black and white. I could see something, start to describe what I saw, and he would finish it for me, and would see with his heart and with his mind’s eye, exactly what my heart and mind’s eye saw.

My photography, my pictures of him, of his children, of our time together, they touch him, like they do me. The slideshow I made of Princess, it moved him to tears, like it did me. They were taken not just with my talent, but with my heart. They are not just pictures of his children, they are pictures of my love for his family. The love I felt, he feels when he sees them.

How can we be this connected, this meant to be, and still be this far apart? How can he totally get me, completely understand me, and yet, not hear my heart crying out for his? How can he shut every thing off and not ache and not hurt and not cry? How can he ignore his heart and his soul? How can I? The simple truth is, I can’t.

Weekend thoughts

Can I just say that men can sometimes be as stubborn and bullheaded as jackasses? I mean, really, how long does he think he can continue to ignore me, and the truth? When faced with the truth, and a confession, it still hasn't changed his mind. I know that there are those of you out there who will tell me "Honey, at this point, he's not worth it. He's shown his true colors, and you're just wasting your time, beating your head against a brick wall. Give up, let go, and move on." I can't, not yet. I still believe what I believe. I still know in my heart and soul, what I've known all along. I still can not imagine, nor do I want to, someone else. No matter how long this 'spat' lasts, I still know that he's meant for me. I still believe, know it to my core, that there will be no one else but him in my life, for the rest of my life. If not him, then there will be no one. I wonder if he knows that as well, and is trusting on that fact, and therefore is not overly concerned with shutting me out for a while, because he knows I'll always be there? Something to think about....... I still love him, always will. Period.

Up until 2 hours ago, christmas for my children was completely and totally up in the air. I have exactly 1 month from today to get all my shopping done, which isn't a problem. I usually do ALL my christmas shopping, for everyone, in one day. I take the day and buy for everyone. That means, I make my decisions, and never second guess my choices. I don't spend a month shopping, so I don't spend more than I can afford. And in one day, everyone is finished. The problem this year, was, who was going to finance my christmas shopping this year? With The Slug just now going back to work, and STILL not paying child support, I'm doing well to make ends meet, pay the bills, and feed the kids. Thanks to some help from my friends, I now no longer have to worry about where Christmas is coming from this year. Looks like I'm going to be getting my usual refund this year, and they have a wonderful program that allowed me to get an advance against that refund, right in time for the holidays. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Last night, I got a phone call from my Twin across the country. She has the sweetest most southern accent I have ever heard, and our conversation was sprinkled with understanding, support, concern, and laughter. It was the perfect ending to a very hard week, and gave me just the boost I needed to wake up this morning with a fresh outlook, and face this weekend. It was exactly what I needed, and I can not say thank you enough for it.

The holidays, especially this time of year, are hard for me. It was 3 years ago that I finally had reached the point I couldn't stand any more. I stood on the scale and it said 98 pounds. My friends, I am 5' 7", and 98 lbs looks positively skeletal on that frame. It was then that I realized I would starve myself to death, if I continued to stay in my marriage. So, I started making plans to leave. It was right around Thanksgiving. We didn't actually say "Divorce" to each other until right before Christmas, and it was shortly after New Years that he threw me out of the house in a fit of anger, and I took him at his word, and never went back. So, 3 years ago, my holidays were hellish at best. The following year, well, it was our first year 'apart' and found it easy to do the holidays together 'for the sake of the kids.' Except he managed to ruin them that year as well, either by allowing his girlfriend to participate (through phone calls and text messages) or by being so damn drunk that we ended up taking him to the hospital.

Last year was the first year I had decent holidays. I actually enjoyed Christmas last year. I was standing on my own. The kids had a good Christmas, the family still managed to coordinate schedules so that we could all be together. This year, I would just as soon skip Christmas altogether. Having Christmas without Batman, Scooter, and Princess this year, is just way more than I think I can stand. We had such plans for the holidays, and well, now, they have been thrown by the wayside, cancelled.

I wonder if he misses me, and I wonder if he hurts as much as I do. Does he face the holidays with memories of the things we planned, or does he just go on about his life, and not think of me at all? I don't want him to hurt, but yeah, in a way, I do. At least then I can comfort myself into believing he cared, and mattered, and maybe he does still care, a little, and maybe I do still matter. A little.

Friday, November 24, 2006

I survived, I knew I would

I got through yesterday, with only a few rough patches. I ended up having Bo with me most of the day, so I wasn't completely alone. We managed to avoid all reminders that it was Thanksgiving altogether.

Things have become a bit more strained between Batman and me this week. Uh, not going to get into details or the reason why, but it made yesterday a bit harder. I called hoping to just get his voice mail, but he answered and I wished him a Happy Thanksgiving. (Yes, Tennessee Becky, I know, you suggested I not call him, but wait for him to call me.....but it was Thanksgiving, I had to call.) It was enough to talk to him for a couple of minutes.

Had a rough 30 seconds when I made frozen pizza for Bo and I for lunch. I'm thinking to myself, "It's Thanksgiving, and here we are eating frozen pizza." but then I just changed that thought to, "Hell, it's a day off, let's have some pizza!" and all was good in the world again.

My father called from Ohio. Never once wished me a Happy Thanksgiving. Just wanted to call and start getting a handle on the Christmas schedule for my kids, so they could coordinate their travel plans and be sure to have time to see everyone while they are here in town. Of course, he asked about my day, and why I was home, alone (save Bo) and not with Batman and his family like we had planned. (Thanks Dad, let's drag me through that wringer today, and make me remember that once again I am alone at the holidays, and well, all the plans Batman and I had made for the holidays are now forgotten. Ok, maybe not forgotten, but they have all been cancelled.) And that DID start the waterworks.

I also got a phone call from my brother, which was good for some laughs and smiles, and totally made me feel so much better about things. When I explained what has been going on this week, my brother, in true brother fashion, made the comment, "I can't believe he's doing this to you. He better hope I never see him again." Thanks Bud, I love you too.

So, Bo has been dropped off with his father and they are headed to PawPaw's house for the weekend. I am childless and free to do as I please this weekend. I have actually toyed with the thought of putting up the tree, but I think I want the kids home to do that. (Not that they will help put it up or decorate it, or clean up the mess it's just nicer with kids. I think.) I am going to get some books at the library. I stocked up on coffee, on hot chocolate, new candles, and I'm going to clean the place, read a lot, and try to keep my mind from wandering to LeMay Ferry Road or Hwy B, and to the Bat-house. Even though that's exactly where my heart is.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Making New Friends

Can I just say that sometimes when you reach out to people, you sometimes find they will reach back to you? And that my friends, is a great feeling.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, my life has been void of girlfriends. I don't have many close friends at all. Everything in my life (save my family) is always temporary. (Ah, maybe I am the one with the problem with committment....something to ponder) My jobs, my friends, my boyfriends (lovers? Ack, what word to use? BF sounds so Jr High, and Lover sounds, well, kind of ridiculous, at least when it pertains to me. Anyway) just about everything.

So, lately, I have found myself at a temp gig that requires little to no real work effort from me at all. I answer the phones all day, and open the mail when it arrives. That's about it. That leaves me with a LOT of free time on my hands. (free time, that, I might mention, I am getting paid for. I don't bitch.) To occupy my mind, and entertain myself, I spend a lot of time surfing the web. Not the whole web, but Blogs specifically. And in my cruising around Blogland Central, I have come across some really cool cats and have marked their little corners of the universe on my map. I got back and visit often.

These people are talented (whether they know it, or admit it or not) and they always touch me with a laugh my ass off funny story, or with something truly profound and meaningful. They tell stories that I just GET, and some times their point of view or opinions are so completely different from mine, it's nice to get a different perspective on things.

I made a decision this past week, that while I'm stopping by these little haunts on a daily basis, I might should want to leave a little note, to tell them, HI! Just wanted to introduce myself. I love what you've done with the place, and really enjoy your little corner of the universe. Come by and visit me, if you ever get the chance (or your bored, or you want to feel better about your life....ya know).

I have been pleasantly surprised that when I leave a little note, for the most part, most of them respond in kind. Sending me an email in return, thanking me for my visit, and then coming by to check out my place. (Oh, that reminds me, I better straighten the place up, especially if I'm going to be having more and more company. Oh, and better stock up on coffee, soda, and Margaritta mix. Chips and salsa would be good too....)

So, as I find new places I like to visit, and after asking permission, of course, I add their Blog address to my list on the side of my blog, and I am finding that my circle of 'friends' is expanding. They put a link to my blog on theirs, so their friends stop by, and well, if they would be so kind as to leave me nice little note, I would return the favor and visit them, and of course, add their link to my blog too.

I am loving this. I am spreading my wings, and meeting new people, and thanks to the internet, they don't have to live right next door. I am making new friends, my email in box is never empty (and NO, it's not full of spam...sheesh) and every day is like Christmas, "Who's going to stop by today and leave me a nice little Hey! in my in-box?"

So, WELCOME all my new friends, and friends of my new friends. Grab a drink of your choice, a snack, and pull up a chair, get comfortable and lets visit for a while. It's really nice to meet you.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

What a day....

I know it’s the day before Thanksgiving, so people are busy, either at work, tying up loose ends for the long weekend, or already at home, preparing the feast for tomorrow. That leaves me, bored and alone at work. No one is sending emails, chatting, blogging, it’s dead. It’s a catch up day here at the office, but since this is still just a temp gig for me, there’s nothing for me to do other than open mail (done) and answer the phone should it ever ring.

I brought a book to work to read, and it’s a good book, but you know, it just doesn’t have the personal interaction email and yahoo IM have. Oh, I know, it’s not anyone’s job out there in cyber space (does anyone use that term any more?) to entertain me. I’m just trying to avoid the holiday hum drums that come from knowing tomorrow everyone has plans with family and loved ones, and well, my family is busy, and my loved one is, well, you know, he’s…well, whatever.

Boring, slow work days make for long work days. Having no one to chat with, nothing to do makes it even longer…

Hope everyone is having a better day, more exciting day today than I am (and who wouldn’t be?) and hope everyone has a Happy Turkey Day tomorrow.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

A Little Bit of Good News

I got a little sign of hope today....

Bo's Dad contacted me today around noon, and via emails, we chatted about what to do with Bo. I have agreed that after this weekend, starting Monday, he will go live with his father for a 30 day trial period. We have hammered out holidays that will work for us, but we are going to try this.

He also has made an appointment with a couselor tomorrow for Bo to start therapy. So that is another good sign.

I'm not sure where things stand on the motion to modify, but I think we can work this out without lawyers and courts, b/c at this point, I think the drama and trauma and stress of that would be just too much for Bo to deal with.....

26 questions

I stole this from Celebrate Woo-hoo just for something to do that was not drama related...

Explain what ended your last relationship. I was stupid, did something I shouldn’t have done. We both had too much going on in our lives and couldn’t get past all of the drama….

When was the last time you shaved? This morning.

What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.? Getting ready for work

Are you any good at math? Yup, love it.

Your prom night, what do you remember about it? How much I loved my dress; that I was supposed to have a really incredible date, but he couldn’t get off work that night to go.

Do you have any famous ancestors? Rumor has it if you go far enough back, you can trace us to William Penn… but who knows

Have you had to take a loan out for school? Well, we said it was for school, but really it was for spending money while I was in school

Last thing received in the mail? OH well, there was B’s combination Birthday/Christmas present that is still going to rock his entire world

How many different beverages have you had today? a single cup of coffee… nothing else.

Do you ever leave messages on people's answering machines? If it’s important that they call me back, then yeah, I give them a heads up as to why I’m calling.

Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to? Uh, I’m thinking Mr. Mister….The Bangles opened for them… I think….

Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? Are you kidding? I used to cry when the animals would leave footprints in the snow. Would I really purposefully mess up perfect sand just to write my name?

What's the most painful dental procedure you've ever had? I had all 4 wisdom teeth pulled at one time. It didn’t hurt during the actual proceedure, but damn when the drugs wore off….

What is out your back door? a couple of rotting bales of hay, and a parking lot

Any plans for Friday night? It’s the day after Thanksgiving. My special plans have all been cancelled for a while…

Do you like what the ocean does to your hair? uh, No. Sand, salt, dirt? No thank you.

Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns? Reveived them? Hell, baby, I buy them. The kids love them and we eat all the carmel and most of the cheese popcorn.

Have you ever been to a planetarium? Uh, I think there’s one in St. Louis, I think I’ve been there… I’ve slept since then so I can’t be sure.

Do you re-use towels after you shower? Sometimes, but the kids don’t, b/c their towels always end up on the floor and I find them 2 days later…yuck

Some things you are excited about? Right now, not much.

What is your favorite flavor of Jell-O? Strawberry banana

Describe your keychain. car key, apartment key, mom’s house key, Las Vegas keyring from Boo, Blockbuster Rewards card, Ken Schrader key ring. I’m sure I have a key to the old farmhouse I lived in with The Slug, but it doesn’t work, he changed the locks

Where do you keep your change? Front pocket of my purse, until I get home, then I dump it in a Oxi-Clean container, it’s my Ireland fund.

When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people? College?

What kind of winter coat do you own? I have 2 leather coats, and a black/pink coat that my mother bought for me for christmas one year. She bought one for me, one for her, and one for my sister. I think mom still has hers, I still wear mine. Don’t know about Sis.

What was the weather like on your graduation day? Sun was shinning, and it was hot….

Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed? Open, Newt still likes for me to be able to hear her all night, even though she sleeps in her own room.

Pick up the sword, yet again

I don’t know where to begin, other than to say, I just don’t think I have it in me to fight any more, and yet, I know the repercussions are worse if I don’t fight. So, even though I’m exhausted and battle weary, and emotionally drained, and pushed to my outer limits, I will once again, pick up the sword, and face the dragons that continue to come at me. I will slay them one by one, until they all lay dead at my feet. Then, and only then, can I lay down my sword and myself beside it, and rest.

The details of last night are completely unimportant, in the grand scheme of things. Bo did something, completely unprovoked, to his sister. And it opened my eyes to just how hurt my son is. He’s angry, he’s hurt, he’s depressed, and while I can not lay the blame for that on his father, and The Slug, I refuse to shoulder the responsibility for it alone.

I don’t know what makes me sadder. The fact that my son is desperately crying out for help, and I know he needs it, and believe me I am all about getting him all the help he needs. Or the fact that last night, when I needed help and support, I got none.

I called my mother and told her what was going on. She is somewhere in Egypt, floating down a long winding river, because she totally blew the whole thing off. She’s so far in denial about how serious this is, I was just flabbergasted. She has always been the one harping to me about how angry and hurt Bo is, and now that I realize it, and could have used some help, support and understanding last night; she poo-poo’d the whole situation away as if it was just Ian being overly dramatic.

So, I called his father, hoping we could finally come together for the good and help for our son. Wrong again. I am trying to find a way to do what is best for our son. Setting aside all of my issues with his father, and doing what’s best for Bo. He refuses to discuss it. This motion to modify isn’t about what’s best for Bo at all; it’s just his way of punishing me for falling in love with Batman. Even now, when Batman is out of the picture, he still feels the need to punish me, in every conceivable way. He won’t set aside any of this and discuss what we need to be doing for our son.

I believe it would do Bo some good to live with his father for a while, even if we only do a 30 day trial run. He’s 13, he’s going through a lot at that age, and being around girls all the time is not helpful. He needs a man. Never mind that I had one in our life, and things were wonderful. Batman was great with Bo, made him feel good about himself. Talked to him about everything, was a great friend, and a great role model. Never mind that the drama caused by Bo’s father was part (not all, but a part) of the reason Batman needed to take some time and space, and has effectively chased the best male role model Bo’s had in his life, completely out of his life. And my best role model, I mean the best ‘pseudo step father’ Bo has had. Yes, Bo has a great Uncle, actually 2 terrific Uncles, but they are not there day to day, not like Batman was.

My son needs help. He’s crying out for help. He’s hurt, he’s angry, he’s defeated, he’s almost destroyed. I don’t know how he got here, but I see that he is. I can’t fix this alone, I can’t protect him. But I can try to get him help. The problem is, I will have to fight with is dad to do that. I can not do it alone, and his dad refuses to work with me to do what’s best for our child.

And so, even though I am battle weary, and tired, I again, pick up my sword and fight the injustice of my life, for the good of my children. Someday I hope to have the life we all deserve. The happiness I hope we can achieve. The happiness I know we all deserve.

Monday, November 20, 2006

My "Date"

I had my ‘date’ last night with Batman. I swear I must be channeling Ms. Cleo or something, because I STILL always know what he’s thinking and feeling, before he tells me.

I woke up yesterday with this feeling of finality about us. It somehow felt that last night was The End of the Line for us. Like it would be our last time together. Don’t ask me why I felt that way, I just did. So, I spent the better part of the day praying he would call and cancel our plans, and the other part of the day dreading he would do exactly that.

Why would I want him to cancel our plans? For the crazy reason, that if he did, then I could hold on to One More Day a little while longer. I would keep the Batphone, my stuff would stay there, and we would still have One More Day, for as long as I could put off seeing him, one last time. (yes, I know, crazy, pathetic, silly, immature, but real. Deal. My life, not yours).

I got there last night (he didn’t cancel after all) and we talked, and he told me, honestly, that he had spent the day toying with the idea of canceling tonight. It had been on his mind all day, but in the end he decided he really wanted to see me, so he didn’t.

There was a sense of finality about last night. He asked me, “So what can I do for you tonight to make it memorable?” (Not what I wanted to hear, but he gets an A for the effort). We talked, a lot. I told him, Look, I don’t want this to be Goodbye, I don’t want this to be final. I will continue to be your friend. I love you.
I know you do.

I told him that I had expected him to cancel all day yesterday. That’s when he told me he had toyed with the idea all day. Once again, my instincts had been dead on with him. So, B, when are you going to realize we’re meant to be, that we’re so connected I know what you’re feeling before you do, even without talking to you?

How can I be so right about everything else when it comes to B, and not be right about us being meant to be? I don’t think I can. I think we’re still meant to be, it’s just not our time yet. He promised me last night would not be the end. He promised me I would be back, I would come home yet again. He promised last night was not the last time I would see him. This morning when he kissed me goodbye, he told me again, You can come back. This isn’t the end.

I’m holding him to that.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Tonight I go to him....

He comes to me every morning, always the same time. The time I know his alarm is going off at his house and his day is beginning too.

He comes to me every morning. Some days, I wake to sweet, happy memories of the love we shared, and the laughter. And for just a moment, I can dream, wish, pretend that things are as they were. That he's still here, he still loves me, and we're ok. But then I open my eyes to find, I'm in my room, in my bed, alone. He's not beside me. He's gone. But the warm feelings remain from the memories.

He comes to me every morning. Some days, I wake to the harsh reality that is my life without him. Some days there are no sweet memories, no time to wish, or pretend. Some days the pain and the emptiness and the sadness are brutal in their assault on my heart.

Tonight, I go to him. Eyes wide open. A part of me is very very afraid that this will be the last time I see him. Tonight, we finally unravel the last few threads that kept us somehow connected. Tonight, the Batphone goes back to him, and all off my stuff comes home with me. There will be nothing there that is mine, except for my heart. There will be nothing here that is his, except for me.

A part of me really hopes and prays that he calls and cancells tonight. Not because I don't want to see him, but because if I don't go to him tonight, then I can hold on to his things just a little while longer. I will still have one more day to look forward to.

I took all the pictures I took this summer and made him slide shows. One of his son, one of his daughter, and one for us. It was healing for me in a way, to take my art and use it. The pictures were taken with love, the slideshows were made with love too. He will always have that gift, the gift of beautiful images of children. It was my last gift to him, and to them.

I want to ask him tonight, when I see him, "Please tell me this changes absolutely nothing." I want to know that even after today, we can still talk, we can still laugh and on occassion we can still get together and be friends. I don't want to lose all of him, I've already lost the most important part of him. I tell myself I can accept nothing more, but will not settle for anything less. I can accept that I can have nothing more than his friendship right now. I will not settle for anything less, I will not settle for the occassional friend.

I don't know what's in store for us. Only time will tell. He comes to me in my dreams, he comes to me every morning. Tonight, I go to him. Will he send me away for ever?

Friday, November 17, 2006

Funny how life works

About a month ago was Boo's birthday. I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday. Hey, we're still friends. He has known about Batman from the very beginning, so there was nothing off kilter about me calling to wish him a Happy Birthday.

At the time he told me he was leaving in a few short days to go home. And by home he meant, home to Jordan. I was/am excited for him, he needed to go. He hadn't been home in over 10 years. I was thrilled he had actually found the time and the $$ to go.

I found out today, through the internet grapevine (email) that he should be returning to the States and back to work next week. The rumor running rampant around my former place of employment is that Boo went home to find himself a wife, and had been sucessful. Only Hondo would think you could go home for a few weeks and find a wife. A wife? Find a woman, and wine/dine her and convince her to marry him, AND move half way around the world, to a new country where she knows no body at all, all in a month's time. Boo was charming, but not THAT charming.

I know that Boo has a tendency to exagerate a LOT, and I tend to believe that is the case here too. Although, knowing Boo like I do, it would not surprise me in the least if he does come home with a wife. But you have to understand, Boo is the man who has spent many an hour on the internet searching for a Bride. (Usually on Ebay. Yeah, classy).

Guess he just couldn't handle the reality that his beloved Jacy had gotten married this year, and is now expecting her first child (not his) and that I had found my love of my life, and he was single without any prospects on the horizon. He apparently had had his fill of American woman, or he had to go 'HOME' to find someone who didn't know him the way I do.

Either way, I wish him luck. I hope, if all of this is true, that it is every thing he hopes and wants it to be. It's possible that he found his soul mate, after all, I found mine and knew within a week or 2. Anything is possible. Even Boo getting married.

Some times you're up, some times you're down.

It is becoming more apparent that the forces of evil (The Slug and C1) have decided to join forces and are now conspiring together, against me. That means I fight them together, it's just a bigger fight. I was under the mistaken impression that I could somehow trust C1 to work with me for the benefit of our son. Turns out, this battle isn't about our son at all, it's about putting me in my place for having the audacity to fall in love with a man who does not live here.

I had an eye opening conversation with my son this morning. He has said he wants to stay with his father for a while, because he's tired of the fighting and arguing that happens at my house. When pressed for details, the best he can come up with is, he's tired of the girls fighting. Well, I'm sorry, sisters argue. There will be disagreements in our house, more than at his father's because, well, there's more people.

In the same conversation it came around to the fact that my son truly believes that it's ok that The Slug hit him (when we were married) and that he somehow deserved it, and still does. He believes that it's ok, that he deserved it. I was horrified and appauled to discover that Bo actually believes that. I thought I left The Slug to protect the girls, so that they would not believe that love involves violence and pain. I didn't realize I waited too long and my son had already started to believe that love should hurt.

I know it can not be undone any time soon. There is no quick fix to this problem. He will be like me, he will have no self esteem, he will doubt himself. I can't undo the damage my staying did to him. I don't even think his father is aware of the damage or the extent. If he is aware of this, he wrongly thinks he can lay the blame for this problem squarely at my feet. The problem is, he has now joined forces with The Slug, the very devil himself who has done this to our son. He allows them to see each other. He perpetuates the cycle, to this day. All in his need to get back at me for some reason.

Batman was the first positive "step-father' role model in my son's life. And because B didn't have the good sense to live in the same town with us, Bo's father is doing all he can to make sure our son can not be closer to Batman. But he continues to allow The Slug to have contact with our son (the man who beat Bo when he was younger) and his sick perverted brother who was convicted of molesting his daughter. Am I the only one who sees the problem here? Let's make sure our 13 year old son does not get to spend any quality time with a great guy like Batman, who thinks Bo is a really cool kid, who spends time with him, who respects him, who make Bo feel good about himself. Instead, let's make sure Bo gets to spend as much time as possible with the ex family who didn't give him the time of day when we were family, who abused him physically and emotionally and mentally. Let's destroy any chance of this child having a healthy self esteem and postive outlook on life.

CHRIST! I could just pull my hair out and scream from the injustice of it all!!!!!!! I can't do this! I can't fight all of this, at the same time. There's no way! Except that there is. I will fight it, because I have to. For my son, I have to.