Tonight I go to him....

He comes to me every morning, always the same time. The time I know his alarm is going off at his house and his day is beginning too.

He comes to me every morning. Some days, I wake to sweet, happy memories of the love we shared, and the laughter. And for just a moment, I can dream, wish, pretend that things are as they were. That he's still here, he still loves me, and we're ok. But then I open my eyes to find, I'm in my room, in my bed, alone. He's not beside me. He's gone. But the warm feelings remain from the memories.

He comes to me every morning. Some days, I wake to the harsh reality that is my life without him. Some days there are no sweet memories, no time to wish, or pretend. Some days the pain and the emptiness and the sadness are brutal in their assault on my heart.

Tonight, I go to him. Eyes wide open. A part of me is very very afraid that this will be the last time I see him. Tonight, we finally unravel the last few threads that kept us somehow connected. Tonight, the Batphone goes back to him, and all off my stuff comes home with me. There will be nothing there that is mine, except for my heart. There will be nothing here that is his, except for me.

A part of me really hopes and prays that he calls and cancells tonight. Not because I don't want to see him, but because if I don't go to him tonight, then I can hold on to his things just a little while longer. I will still have one more day to look forward to.

I took all the pictures I took this summer and made him slide shows. One of his son, one of his daughter, and one for us. It was healing for me in a way, to take my art and use it. The pictures were taken with love, the slideshows were made with love too. He will always have that gift, the gift of beautiful images of children. It was my last gift to him, and to them.

I want to ask him tonight, when I see him, "Please tell me this changes absolutely nothing." I want to know that even after today, we can still talk, we can still laugh and on occassion we can still get together and be friends. I don't want to lose all of him, I've already lost the most important part of him. I tell myself I can accept nothing more, but will not settle for anything less. I can accept that I can have nothing more than his friendship right now. I will not settle for anything less, I will not settle for the occassional friend.

I don't know what's in store for us. Only time will tell. He comes to me in my dreams, he comes to me every morning. Tonight, I go to him. Will he send me away for ever?