Monday, November 27, 2006

Let go of the wheel.....

God but I love epiphanies! I love Ah-Ha moments. Love it when the light goes on, and I just get it.

Ok, I have a friend who has men issues (don’t we all at some point). To sum it up, she has a guy, and they have a history, and right now they have a physical thing, but not so much an emotional thing, and definitely not a relationship thing. The problem is, the lines get blurred, the rules are not clear, the boundaries are not defined, the expectations have not been spoke of, so there is a lot of miscommunication and a lot of hurt feelings.

Because we’re friends, she comes to me to talk. I’m glad she does, really. I don’t know about the wisdom in her choice to come to me, after all, my love life is a f@#ked up mess right now, but I’m glad she feels comfortable enough to talk to me. Today was no exception. Drama, hurt feelings, anger, pain, tears and the whole nine yards. So, I offered her this bit of wisdom… (yeah, hold on to your seats, it’s a doosey)

There’s a quote from the Movie Little Black Book, that says “Life's funny like that, once we let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.” We’re just alike, and we spend way too much time and energy trying to get the people in our life to act and react the way we’re written the play out in our head. We spend too much time trying to control everyone around us to get the outcome we want. But when we learn to let go…
life has a funny way of working out in it’s own way, in it’s own time, and it’s usually better than anything we could have orchestrated and planned ourselves.

And that my friends, is when the light went on, and I had my epiphany. That is when I had my Ah-Ha moment, and I got it. I got it. (Yeah, ok, I’m slow on the uptake, I’m blonde. Yes I know it’s artificial, sometimes the dye goes a little deeper into the roots, effects the brain processes. Shut up. Give me a break.)

I’ve been toying with the thought of just giving up on Batman completely. Walking away, forgetting all I know, all I believe and just saying “F*#k it all. I was wrong again. I’m never playing the game again. I’m done. I’m giving up hope, giving up on what I believe, forgetting what I know. Done. End. Finished. Dead.” And that was just more than my heart could take. I just couldn’t do it. This morning I had a real sense of peace about things, though. I still woke up at 4:30 when his alarm went off. My first thoughts were of him, like always, but the pain didn’t slam into my heart, it didn’t settle like a weight on my chest, and it didn’t take my breath away. I went about my morning, getting ready for work, I knew he was on the road, when he got to the store, when he opened for business, everything I always know, but I just went out. Didn’t stop, didn’t cry, didn’t dwell. Just let the peace settle over me.

I had a hard weekend this weekend. It was long, it was boring and it was lonely, and it was the holiday. He was in the forefront of my mind, and it hurt. There were a lot of tears this weekend. And several attempts to contact him, to no avail, just a dead end, a brick wall. Frustrating to say the least, but I kept hoping this time he’ll answer…. Nothing from him today either, no emails, no IM’s, no phone calls, but didn’t really expect any. Hoped, but didn’t expect.

Where’s the epiphany? Right here. In calling him, or text messaging him, I was in effect trying to control him, force him to talk to me, on my terms, on my time. If I let go....of my need to talk to him, make him talk to me, then life has a way of working out the way it should. I don’t have to give up the faith and hope that we’ll be together, I don’t have to give up on what I know. I just have to give up on expecting it to happen RIGHT NOW. I have to give up trying to force him to behave in the way I want him to behave right now. If I let go of the wheel, I might just end up where I need to be.

I knew this morning, something would happen today, something that would give me some sense of peace about us. My instincts have always been dead on with B, from the very beginning, I have no reason to doubt them now. Faith. I have to have faith, let go of the wheel and trust it will all be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.


Anonymous said...

Yeah, the same goes for motorcycles - if you actually let go of the handlebars they actually drive themselves until they run out of speed and fall over. Most of the time the reason their are accidents is because humans force them to do things they don't normally do. So, yeah - let go of the wheel, girl. Let it go and let it happen! I'm with ya!

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about men. Sweet Thang hurt me once, now he's back and it's all good BUT there's a large piece of my heart that he's never going to touch again. If he left tomorrow I'd just say "Oh Well" and go on. Like the old saying "Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me"
Your friend is lucky she has you