Wednesday, November 8, 2006

Our Story

Let me see if I can clear up some things. 3 months ago, I met Batman. I never really told anyone the story how we met.

I spent a weekend at the Lake this summer with some friends. A much-needed weekend away from my life. It was fun, it was relaxing. Nothing to do but swim in the pool, go out on the boat, b-b-q and drink a few beers. Nothing more serious to think about than, do I want another beer? While I’m there, they check their email, and there is an email from, a free on-line dating website. One I’d never heard of, but since it’s completely free, why not.

I check it out when I get home, post a profile, and wait. I got a lot of hits. I made a lot of friends, chatted with a lot of people, but no one had ‘Meet in real life’ potential. Until I came across Batman’s profile. Something about his picture, something about his profile, kept drawing me back to him. So, I sent him a message, how he could find me on-line so we could chat.

Within minutes of sending that message, he starts chatting with me on line. Within the hour, we were talking on the phone. Often. A lot, hours at a time, about everything and nothing. The connection was instantaneous for both of us. It was nice, but it was somewhat scary how comfortable we felt with each other so quickly. That was August 2nd. The rest is history, as they say.

That weekend he took his kids camping at his brother’s place, but we spent the entire time on the phone. Sunday morning, at 6:00 he called me, he was up, the kids still asleep and he wanted to share a quiet early morning with me. I loved waking up with him, even if it was via phone. I distinctly remember thinking that weekend, “I love that man.” I wasn’t wrong.

Our first date was supposed to be August 9th, but he decided to surprise me and came up on the 7th instead. When we finally met face to face, it was as if I’d known him my entire life. It was so comfortable, easy, right. That weekend I went to his place and spent the entire weekend there.

When I got home, I had left him a letter that said…

I’ve been writing this letter in my head all weekend, praying you would hear what I couldn’t say to you. Time to put it on paper now, and tell you what I couldn’t say.

I fell in love this weekend, and it has nothing to do with my new camera. I fell in love with you, your kids, your parents, the entire family, but mostly you.

You asked me before, and then I wasn’t sure. I am now, more sure of this than anything else in my life. I love you.

The biggest regrets we have in life are things not done, risks not taken. I never want to regret not telling you how I feel. I want you to know, I love you. You may not be there yet, you’ll tell me when you are, but for now, know that I love you. Plain and simple, totally and completely, I love you.

I was right that day too. The very next day, while we chatted on line….

Batman: You have no idea how many times I had to catch myself from saying those words

Me: Why?

Batman: I didn't want you to think I was jumping the gun

Me: All I was waiting for was to hear you say them
Me: Feelings are never wrong

Batman: I agree

I knew after that weekend, that I would marry him. He knew it too, we talked about it.

Batman: So this mean you are going to be around awhile I hope

Me: As long as you'll have me

Batman: I think we have already come to the conclusion that I feel the same about you that you feel about me.

Me: I'm in this for the long haul. I truly don't ever want to be with anyone else but you ever again

Batman: so when are we getting married then?

Me: Let's set a date

Batman: lol

Me: not the answer you were looking for?

Batman: I feel we should wait at least a few months before we jump into that. I didn't think you were coming back with that. But I do feel the same and don't want to be with anyone else. So it’s just a matter of time. You really caught me off guard on that one

Me: It really was off the cuff

Batman: I can see us spending the rest of our lives together. I do see a future and a very bright one.

I never questioned my feelings for him, NEVER. I always knew I would marry him someday. I knew he was the one for me. So, what changed? What happened? I happened.

I *never* doubted my feelings for him, but I began to question his feelings for me. I forgot men are from Mars, and women are from Venus. I forgot that men are like rubber bands, and they need to pull away every now and then in order to get close again. I forgot to trust that he was different from everyone who had come before him. I reacted instinctually, from my gut, from my past and assumed the worst. I let my demons whisper in my ears and I listened to their lies. I allowed the seeds of doubt they planted to take root and grow.

I assumed something was going on that truly wasn’t. I tried to talk to him, but because he was in that pulling away stage, he couldn’t talk to me. I forgot all that I had learned that was right, and reacted from all that I had learned that was wrong. I didn’t trust him, at the point I should have trusted him the most. I went looking for answers to questions he couldn’t answer for me. I went about finding answers, satisfying my own needs, instead of just trusting and respecting his needs. I never cheated on him. I did something behind his back, trying to find answers that I didn’t understand he couldn’t give me. I screwed up. Bigger than life. I know that now.

Lesson learned. I have apologized, repeatedly. He knows I am sorry. He knows that I love him. I know that he still loves me; he just can’t give me that love right now. But that doesn’t mean that he won’t in the future. I still believe he’s The One. I still cling to the belief we were meant to be. I know now, what I should have known all along. I can trust him, I can believe him, my past is my past and he’s not a part of that. He is my future. My feelings were real, and were right then, they are still real, and still right. I just acted wrong, because of my past, because of the ghosts that have never gone away.

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