Today started out a bad day...I will get through it

The tears fall like rain today, unbridled, unchecked. There is a reason for them, and trying to stop them is just putting off the inevitable. Not just tears, not just weeping. Today it is gut wrenching, soul emptying, want to die sobbing. And yet, I’ve been before, and have come through it, on the other side. I will get through this today as well.

I miss him. It hurts so much, every day. Even though we weren’t together, I knew that he was still there. Now, he’s gone, and I can’t reach him. The emptiness, the void that his absence has left in my heart and soul is too big to bridge.

What is the point of playing the game if you always lose? I played the game, I played by the rules this time. Yes, I made 1 mistake, but it wasn’t a fatal mistake. Some one else joined in and made the fatal mistake, and it cost me every thing. I lost anyway, by no fault of my own.

If this is how the game if played, I don’t ever want to play again. I can’t stand this hurt any more. It’s more than I can bare. It’s more than I can stand. It takes too much effort to pretend that every thing in my life is ok. It’s not ok.

I don’t want to play any more. I don’t want to hurt any more. I feel as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest and trampled on and thrown away. I feel swallowed up by hoplessness. I am empty inside, there is nothing left of me, nothing left to give. Going on, getting by, getting through is more than I can muster.

I am ready to lay down and be done. I want to crawl into a hole and disappear, I want to stop being, stop hurting, stop everything. Today, I truly want to die. I can’t face another day of this, another day full of pain, and hurt and heartbreak.

The question that haunts my days lately, is “Do I believe what I believe, because I truly believe it, or do I cling to that, because I’m afraid to let it go, and what that means?” Do I still believe we are meant to be together, because I truly believe we are meant to be together, or do I cling to that belief because letting go means it’s no longer true and I have to let him go. I don’t have the answer to that question, but I’m not sure I don’t have the answer because I truly don’t know the answer, or if I just refuse to look deep enough to find the answer.

I have moments, sometimes few, sometimes hours, when I just want to give up. The thought of another minute, another hour, another day without him to share it with, is more than I can fathom. It’s more than I want to face. But I take it a breath at a time, a heartbeat at a time. Both of those I know I can get through because I know they take no conscience effort on my part. And I find that eventually, I get through, and the pain, lessons, the emptiness ebbs, and I find that I can rise above it, and go on.

Weeks ago, when all of this fell apart. I would spend hours trying to make sense of every thing. Trying to find hope, trying to accept what I didn’t want to accept. I questioned everything then too. I questioned, “Did I believe, or was I blowing smoke up my own ass?” and “Do I have enough faith to let go and trust what I know in my heart?” or “Am I just making up a bunch of bullshit to ease my own pain, and avoid the truth, and deny what is really happening?”

I woke up this morning, and squarely hit the brick wall. And once I hit it, the bricks then settled on my chest, weighing around my heart. The question I faced today was this, “Do I have the strength, the courage, the conviction to continue to believe what I believe, or should I just admit defeat and let it all go?” The answer of that still eludes me. The one thing I do know, beyond all doubt, and that is, I’m done playing the game. I won’t put myself out there again. I won’t allow anyone to get close to my heart again. I gave it to Batman, and I believed then that he was The One. I still believe that. Don’t ask my why, don’t ask how I know, even in the midst of this, I know.

And so, I face another day. Thank God it’s Sunday and tomorrow I can go back to work. I have managed to survive so far, I can manage to get through one more day. Movies, books, alcohol, whatever it takes. I will stay away from the alcohol, I will bury myself in books and movies, and try to distract my mind. Although, when not engaged in something meaningful, my mind tends to fly to where my heart is…..Home. With Batman.