Some times you're up, some times you're down.

It is becoming more apparent that the forces of evil (The Slug and C1) have decided to join forces and are now conspiring together, against me. That means I fight them together, it's just a bigger fight. I was under the mistaken impression that I could somehow trust C1 to work with me for the benefit of our son. Turns out, this battle isn't about our son at all, it's about putting me in my place for having the audacity to fall in love with a man who does not live here.

I had an eye opening conversation with my son this morning. He has said he wants to stay with his father for a while, because he's tired of the fighting and arguing that happens at my house. When pressed for details, the best he can come up with is, he's tired of the girls fighting. Well, I'm sorry, sisters argue. There will be disagreements in our house, more than at his father's because, well, there's more people.

In the same conversation it came around to the fact that my son truly believes that it's ok that The Slug hit him (when we were married) and that he somehow deserved it, and still does. He believes that it's ok, that he deserved it. I was horrified and appauled to discover that Bo actually believes that. I thought I left The Slug to protect the girls, so that they would not believe that love involves violence and pain. I didn't realize I waited too long and my son had already started to believe that love should hurt.

I know it can not be undone any time soon. There is no quick fix to this problem. He will be like me, he will have no self esteem, he will doubt himself. I can't undo the damage my staying did to him. I don't even think his father is aware of the damage or the extent. If he is aware of this, he wrongly thinks he can lay the blame for this problem squarely at my feet. The problem is, he has now joined forces with The Slug, the very devil himself who has done this to our son. He allows them to see each other. He perpetuates the cycle, to this day. All in his need to get back at me for some reason.

Batman was the first positive "step-father' role model in my son's life. And because B didn't have the good sense to live in the same town with us, Bo's father is doing all he can to make sure our son can not be closer to Batman. But he continues to allow The Slug to have contact with our son (the man who beat Bo when he was younger) and his sick perverted brother who was convicted of molesting his daughter. Am I the only one who sees the problem here? Let's make sure our 13 year old son does not get to spend any quality time with a great guy like Batman, who thinks Bo is a really cool kid, who spends time with him, who respects him, who make Bo feel good about himself. Instead, let's make sure Bo gets to spend as much time as possible with the ex family who didn't give him the time of day when we were family, who abused him physically and emotionally and mentally. Let's destroy any chance of this child having a healthy self esteem and postive outlook on life.

CHRIST! I could just pull my hair out and scream from the injustice of it all!!!!!!! I can't do this! I can't fight all of this, at the same time. There's no way! Except that there is. I will fight it, because I have to. For my son, I have to.