Thursday, November 2, 2006

Today would have been 3 months, last night we said goodbye*

Today would have been 3 months for us, last night we said Good-bye. For now.

Yesterday, as the solid ground I thought I had been standing on finally gave way, and I felt like I would crumble with it. I reacted with my guts, with instincts, with emotions. I forgot in the dark, all that I had learned in the light.

We talked via emails yesterday, and I felt like I was fighting for my life. I reacted with emotions. I forgot all I had learned in therapy, I forgot to step back, I forgot to set up boundaries. I forgot in the dark, all that I had learned in the light. Yesterday afternoon he stopped responding to my emails, and when he did, I stopped sending them, and finally took the step back that I needed. I stopped reacting with emotions, and started to think with logic and reason and calm.

I knew yesterday I wouldn’t be going ‘home’ to him, and I dreaded it. Yesterday morning I dreaded. Yesterday at lunch I avoided the apartment, I didn’t want to be there. At 4:30 I dreaded it. At 5:00 I left work with a heavy heart. Every breath was an effort, every step taking me closer to a place I didn’t want to be. My heart screamed to go ‘home’ but my head knew home wasn’t there any more. It had to be here. At 5:15 I walked into my empty apartment, and welcomed the quiet and the solitude. I didn’t think I would be able to do that, but I did.

I sat down with my notebook journal and wrote “I am numb and resigned. There is nothing left to feel, and nothing left to do. It’s over, and I have to accept it. I have beat myself up emotionally today, and would have worn myself out trying to change his mind long before I gave up. Begging, pleading, crying would do no good. His mind is not to be changed, and I realized that if I had tried he could very well have ended up hating me.”

I know that I can not lay the blame for this at his feet, but I refuse to shoulder the blame for it alone. We both share in that. I did what I did, and I have my reasons, none of which excuse it. I asked him last night, “I had not done what I did, would this still be happening?” and after a long silent pause, he answered honestly, “I don’t know. There has been so much going on and I was feeling so overwhelmed and stressed. I just don’t know.” I am not wholly to blame for this.

My sister told me once “If we can allow ourselves to truly be present, in the moment with ourselves and if we can trust that the universe can lead us to things when we’re ready to be led to them, then the end result is ultimate growth, empowerment, expansion, wisdom, courage, strength, and a deep and sincere understanding of our worth and our sense of self and our meaning for being on this planet.” I had spent so much time and energy focusing on what was, what could have been, what might be, what I wanted to be, that I wasn’t accepting what was. In not accepting what was, I was making myself sick, trying to control something completely out of my control. It was only when I accepted what knew was inevitable, was I able to say Good bye to him on my terms, in my own way, and gain back some degree of control over the situation.

My mother tells me I have the blood of warriors in my veins, and I come from a long line of strong women. It’s time I found my strength and join their ranks. I have made decisions regarding my future. I have made a plan, with his support, and his encouragement. I have started that journey and I will not stray. With or without him in my life, I will follow this path to the end, because it is the right thing to do.

There is a fine line between blind faith and complete denial. I’m not sure exactly what side of that line I’m on right now. I know that I love him, I know that he still loves me, I know there are issues that need to be resolved first. I have faith that we will find a way back to each other someday. We may have closed a chapter in our story, but we have not closed the book.

*I wrote a way better version of this post last night, but god damn computer screwed the file up when I saved it this morning, and now it is forever lost.

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