Saturday, November 4, 2006

Today has been Hell,

Today has been rough, to say the least, the VERY least. It started at 5:00, wide awake, unable to sleep another minute longer. That's what time we would always start to wake up, even on weekends, even though we would linger in bed for a couple more hours, watching the news, drinking coffee. My internal alarm is now set for 5:00. Another reminder of another time.

I don't know how to get him him out of my head yet. There's no way to get him out of my heart. I don't know how to let him go, and still continue to believe we'll be together someday. That's too far away, and too painful, and right now it seem so damn impossible.

I don't know how to make the hurt go away. I don't know how to fill the void he has left in my life, in my heart. I have spent today in virtual hell. I have been home, alone today. My first weekend at home, alone, in 12 weeks. There have been times I have felt like I have run full speed right into a brick wall. The pain of being alone, away from him, takes my breath away.

Mom says "Get up, do laundry, clean the house, keep yourself busy." I can't. Breathing right now takes too much effort. I can't function today. I hurt so much. I know that it will get better, I know that this will fade, that I will go on. I just don't know how right now. I just don't want to right now. I don't want to be here, I want to be 'home' with him, where I belong, where my heart is.

Everything I have tried to tell myself in the past couple of days, is all beginning to sound like desperate attempts to fool myself into believing something that is highly unlikely. That hurts and scares me too.

I have no doubt in my mind, that I loved him, truly loved him. I still do. I knew from day 3 I loved him. I have no doubt that I truly believed I would marry him someday. It's hard to hold on to that belief and let him go at the same time. I believe he was The One for me. He was everything I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed of and so much more. I was so sure about all of this, that I told every other person in my life, I had found my Prince Charming, and I was done. I know I will never love another man, as long as I life. I know I will never sleep beside another man for the rest of my life. If I can't have Batman, I won't be with anyone else.

It's hard reconciling the two, holding on to the belief we are meant to be, and letting him go at the same time. I don't know how. I guess this is just a huge test of faith and trust, both of which I have in very short supply. Neither one are my strong suit.

I don't know how to do this. I'm not any good at it. It hurts too much. And yet, I will find a way to do it. I will find a way to go on. Baby steps for now, small, managable, moments in time. One breath at a time, even though it feels as if a ton of bricks are sitting on my chest, making every breath more effort than I can muster.

Pray, hope, faith, trust. What other choices do I have?

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