Monday, November 20, 2006

My "Date"

I had my ‘date’ last night with Batman. I swear I must be channeling Ms. Cleo or something, because I STILL always know what he’s thinking and feeling, before he tells me.

I woke up yesterday with this feeling of finality about us. It somehow felt that last night was The End of the Line for us. Like it would be our last time together. Don’t ask me why I felt that way, I just did. So, I spent the better part of the day praying he would call and cancel our plans, and the other part of the day dreading he would do exactly that.

Why would I want him to cancel our plans? For the crazy reason, that if he did, then I could hold on to One More Day a little while longer. I would keep the Batphone, my stuff would stay there, and we would still have One More Day, for as long as I could put off seeing him, one last time. (yes, I know, crazy, pathetic, silly, immature, but real. Deal. My life, not yours).

I got there last night (he didn’t cancel after all) and we talked, and he told me, honestly, that he had spent the day toying with the idea of canceling tonight. It had been on his mind all day, but in the end he decided he really wanted to see me, so he didn’t.

There was a sense of finality about last night. He asked me, “So what can I do for you tonight to make it memorable?” (Not what I wanted to hear, but he gets an A for the effort). We talked, a lot. I told him, Look, I don’t want this to be Goodbye, I don’t want this to be final. I will continue to be your friend. I love you.
I know you do.

I told him that I had expected him to cancel all day yesterday. That’s when he told me he had toyed with the idea all day. Once again, my instincts had been dead on with him. So, B, when are you going to realize we’re meant to be, that we’re so connected I know what you’re feeling before you do, even without talking to you?

How can I be so right about everything else when it comes to B, and not be right about us being meant to be? I don’t think I can. I think we’re still meant to be, it’s just not our time yet. He promised me last night would not be the end. He promised me I would be back, I would come home yet again. He promised last night was not the last time I would see him. This morning when he kissed me goodbye, he told me again, You can come back. This isn’t the end.

I’m holding him to that.


B.R.M said...

I hope you have many more "dates." Treasure each one as a true gift.

I know you sometimes hurt. You are stronger than you think and getting stronger everyday.

Anonymous said...

I'll hold on to hope that this will work out for you two in the end. I think you probably should hold him to his words;>