Friday, November 3, 2006

Getting right in my head and heart

I have been held hostage this morning by my over-thinking mind, and my still raw emotions. I have caved to the depression, the hurt, and the tears. But once again, talking to my sister has cleared the fog in my head.

Sis popped up on my IM this morning, just checking in. Read my post from yesterday, and wanted to make sure I am ok.

Me: I still believe B is The One, and maybe we just need to go through this, he needs to go through this, before we can be together. Know what I'm trying to say?

Lil Sis: Sure, but I also think that YOU need to go through it, too, yes? I mean, I don't know what happened for certain, but I know for myself that when I screw up, the only way for me to fully learn a better way is to see the whole process through to the end. Maybe the lesson for you is at the very end? Or maybe you've already learned it? I mean, I don't know - it's not my place to guess. I just know that all things in life are processes - and usually the benefit of the process isn't achieved until the process is finished

Me: I learned, I could have trusted him, believed him all along, I just didn't see it b/c my past still clouded my judgment. When I asked him "If I hadn't done what I did, would this still be happening?" He answered "I don't know." So I know it wasn't just me, there were other things. I know what they were, to an extent

Lil Sis: well, it's gonna be a journey for certain.

I realized this morning, that I need to think things through and get things settled in my head and heart as well. And what Sis said rang true, made some sense. I reached down, deep inside, found the strength inside that I know I have, and pulled myself together.

I once asked Sis “How will I know when I have found The One?” and she told me, “When he is everything you’ve ever wanted, and all you’ve ever dreamed of.” I still believe that B was/is that for me. He was/is everything I ever wanted and all I ever dreamed of. I spent a long time, looking for the deal breaker, I never found it. He would constantly amaze me with all he was willing to do and give, with everything he was.

I believe now, that he’s just not ready for all our love could become, at least not yet. His divorce has not been final a full year yet. His relationship with EW (ex-wife) was 18 years long. He’s has admitted that he’s not ready to be a part of another full fledge family. He still needs time and space to find himself. I understand that, I’ve been there.

In all honesty, I am not ready to commit to all our love could be. Not yet. I may be free from my past according to the law, the courts and the state, but the reality of the situation is vastly different. The law, the courts, all decree that I am single and free to live my own life free from control, restraint, and interference from my past. That is not my reality.

The drama my past continues to create in my past, the fact that he exploits every possible angle he can find to control my life, makes me and my life just too much. There are still too many issues from my past that are unresolved, and will never be resolved as long as things continue the way they are. Those issues make my life difficult, and messy, ugly, and daunting to an outsider. It is unfair to expect an outsider to come into my life and accept all that baggage, when it’s not their battle in the first place. I truly should be completely free from my past, before I reach out and embrace what the future hints at for us.

I need time, and space, to free myself from the clutches my past still claims on my life. When I have successfully extracted my life from the tentacles of my past, when I can come to him free and clear, standing on my own, with my children, then, and only then can I expect him to accept me and my children. Then and only then can we begin to explore the true possibility of our life and love, the love that I know we are capable of having and sharing.

We both still have issues from our past that we need to work through. I have learned through all of this, that I could have trusted him all along, but I didn’t. I let my past cloud my judgment, and affect my present. I should have trusted him, trusted in us, given him what he needed with understanding and trust instead of freaking out with jealousy and insecurity. What he asked for, what he needed, or wanted wasn’t impossible for me to give. Ok, in all honesty, it *was* impossible for me to give but it shouldn’t have been impossible.

I believe that right now, it’s hard to walk away. It’s hard to admit the time is not right. It hurts to know that I know he’s out there, that I’ve have the incredible luck to already have loved him, but we’re not ready yet for all we could (will) be. I am in no way giving up hope. I am not in any way ending everything between us. I will continue to be his friend, I will continue to share as little or as much of my life with him that we can both accept. I will continue to keep the lines of communication open between us. If this love, our love, is truly meant to be, then we’ll come back together in the future, when we’re *both* ready and able to handle all that it will be.

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