Saturday, November 25, 2006

Weekend thoughts

Can I just say that men can sometimes be as stubborn and bullheaded as jackasses? I mean, really, how long does he think he can continue to ignore me, and the truth? When faced with the truth, and a confession, it still hasn't changed his mind. I know that there are those of you out there who will tell me "Honey, at this point, he's not worth it. He's shown his true colors, and you're just wasting your time, beating your head against a brick wall. Give up, let go, and move on." I can't, not yet. I still believe what I believe. I still know in my heart and soul, what I've known all along. I still can not imagine, nor do I want to, someone else. No matter how long this 'spat' lasts, I still know that he's meant for me. I still believe, know it to my core, that there will be no one else but him in my life, for the rest of my life. If not him, then there will be no one. I wonder if he knows that as well, and is trusting on that fact, and therefore is not overly concerned with shutting me out for a while, because he knows I'll always be there? Something to think about....... I still love him, always will. Period.

Up until 2 hours ago, christmas for my children was completely and totally up in the air. I have exactly 1 month from today to get all my shopping done, which isn't a problem. I usually do ALL my christmas shopping, for everyone, in one day. I take the day and buy for everyone. That means, I make my decisions, and never second guess my choices. I don't spend a month shopping, so I don't spend more than I can afford. And in one day, everyone is finished. The problem this year, was, who was going to finance my christmas shopping this year? With The Slug just now going back to work, and STILL not paying child support, I'm doing well to make ends meet, pay the bills, and feed the kids. Thanks to some help from my friends, I now no longer have to worry about where Christmas is coming from this year. Looks like I'm going to be getting my usual refund this year, and they have a wonderful program that allowed me to get an advance against that refund, right in time for the holidays. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Last night, I got a phone call from my Twin across the country. She has the sweetest most southern accent I have ever heard, and our conversation was sprinkled with understanding, support, concern, and laughter. It was the perfect ending to a very hard week, and gave me just the boost I needed to wake up this morning with a fresh outlook, and face this weekend. It was exactly what I needed, and I can not say thank you enough for it.

The holidays, especially this time of year, are hard for me. It was 3 years ago that I finally had reached the point I couldn't stand any more. I stood on the scale and it said 98 pounds. My friends, I am 5' 7", and 98 lbs looks positively skeletal on that frame. It was then that I realized I would starve myself to death, if I continued to stay in my marriage. So, I started making plans to leave. It was right around Thanksgiving. We didn't actually say "Divorce" to each other until right before Christmas, and it was shortly after New Years that he threw me out of the house in a fit of anger, and I took him at his word, and never went back. So, 3 years ago, my holidays were hellish at best. The following year, well, it was our first year 'apart' and found it easy to do the holidays together 'for the sake of the kids.' Except he managed to ruin them that year as well, either by allowing his girlfriend to participate (through phone calls and text messages) or by being so damn drunk that we ended up taking him to the hospital.

Last year was the first year I had decent holidays. I actually enjoyed Christmas last year. I was standing on my own. The kids had a good Christmas, the family still managed to coordinate schedules so that we could all be together. This year, I would just as soon skip Christmas altogether. Having Christmas without Batman, Scooter, and Princess this year, is just way more than I think I can stand. We had such plans for the holidays, and well, now, they have been thrown by the wayside, cancelled.

I wonder if he misses me, and I wonder if he hurts as much as I do. Does he face the holidays with memories of the things we planned, or does he just go on about his life, and not think of me at all? I don't want him to hurt, but yeah, in a way, I do. At least then I can comfort myself into believing he cared, and mattered, and maybe he does still care, a little, and maybe I do still matter. A little.

1 comment:

B.R.M said...

Hello my friend. Wow I have a sweet accent? I am guessing some people would disagree. Thanks!
I enjoyed talking with you too - and let me know the moment you buy bulk of certain products - I will have to laugh with you. Or maybe cry?

You are doing so good - you have overcome so much.

And the holidays will be great this year - have faith.

And you're right, you can't stop loving someone - we are not faucets - our feelings to be turned on and off at will. You will be fine.


Tennessee Becky