Friday, November 3, 2006

I have the best family! I love them, and they love me

It has been a really rough week, hell, 2 weeks. My heart has been through the wringer and my emotions have run the gamut. But I'm still standing, thanks to the love and support of my family.

I called my brother Wednesday night, right before my world fell apart. I knew it was going to, I knew the phone call from Batman that night was just perfunctionary, as we had already discussed the inevitable in emails all day. I called my brother, first to find out exactly how/when did he know that my SIL K was The One. I mean, I have thought (known) B was The One for me, almost from the beginning. But now, I was beginning to have doubts. Did I know it or was it just me hoping and reading way too much into things, (Again)? He knew within a week, even though they couldn't be together right away.

We talked, and he tried to explain the inner workings of a man's brain and his heart. What was said is just between us, but it was incredibly helpful and insightful, and explained so much to me. It gave me hope, but not false hope. He offered advise, his opinion, his love and support with no lectures. He was absolutely wonderful.

Yesterday, at work, I saw him on-line and dropped in to say thank you. Sent him a link to this blog, and he read it. We had another short, yet deep meaningful conversation then too. He gave me some things to think about, but mostly he was honest and didn't pull punches. He told me what he thought, and offered his support. Thanks Bud. I love you.

My sister popped in today, and from my previous post, you can tell, did her 'Sister Thang" with me, and pulled my head from my ass, cleared the fog that was clouding my brain, and pointed me in the direction I needed to be in to get my head straight too. She's good for that.

Then tonight, I didn't want to go home and face an empty apartment. I had just spent 2 exhausting hours at my attorney's office finishing the papers we need to file for the motion to modify. (That is another headache in and of itself, and well I don't want to think about it right now). So, I called mom and asked if I could come up and hide out at her place for a while.

Lucky for me, when I got there she was alone, and we got the chance to really talk. Even mom, in the midst of her own drama (her story to tell, not mine) was there offering support and encouragement. Telling me 'Don't give up on him. Do you love him enough to walk through hell for him? (I'm about to enter something much worse than Dante's Inferno) Do you believe in your heart, do you know beyond all doubt that he's the one? (I was pretty sure I knew that.) Do you believe it, even if he doesn't know it yet? (yeah, I know it, he doesn't get it yet, but I know). Then hold on to the hope, hold on the belief, hold on to the love. Even if he walks away, even if he dates other people for now, hold on to what you know.

Sis knew with her B that she was meant to be with him, even as he took pictures of her when she married someone else. Bud knew he was meant to be with K, even when he lived thousand of miles and several time zones, and states away.

Mom asked me Is this different than any other relationship you've had? (Yes) How? I instinctively know things about him, about us, before he does. I knew I loved him before I laid eyes on him. The first weekend I spent with him I knew I would marry him . I knew the exact moment he fell in love with me, long before he told me. I knew something was wrong, over a week before he did. I know when he's sick, I know when he's tired, I know when he has a headache. I know from the sound of his voice, exactly what is going on in his life that day. I know that I will never love another man. I know that I will never sleep beside another man as long as I live. If I am not with B, I will be alone. I have never questioned any of this. But I have questioned How do I know? Do I really know or am I just building up nothing into a whole lot of something it's not?

There has always been something different about my relationship with Batman. The dads' radar went off early (6 weeks into our relationship) that this one matters. Both of them, in a 24 hour period, asked me when I would be moving to be closer to Batman, and when we would be getting married. Everyone I have talked to (at least in my family, b/c I've only talked to them and him) has told me, if this is meant to be, it will all work out in the end. Just hold on to that. You both know that there are things you need to work out, but in the grand scheme of the rest of your life, even a year (if it takes that long) is a drop in the bucket.

So, thank you, Mom, Bud, Sis, for loving me, and supporting me. Thank you for offering you opinions and your advice. Thank you for the swift kicks in the ass when they are needed. Thank you for the tissues when they are needed. Thank you for believing in us as much as I do, and for telling me to never give up hope, to hold on to what I have. Thank you for pointing out things I didn't see with my own eyes, because I couldn't see past the pain and the hurt. Thank you for keeping me ever present in the moment instead of wondering off on a tangent of what used to be, what could have been, what I want to be. Thank you for pointing out the demons of my life that still need to be slain. I know that I will only truly be free to love Batman with all that I am, when the demons of my past all lay dead at my feet by my own hand. Thank you for not allowing me to hide from life, for not allowing me to wallow in self pity and depression this weekend. Thank you for showing me I am strong, and I can survive and do it gloriously this weekend.

Thank you for being my family. I love you all

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