Monday, January 30, 2006

Letting Go

Question: How does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer: She doesn't.

I have spent way too much time and energy trying to find love.  Probably, a truer statement would be I’ve spent way too much time and energy trying to make love, create love, out of something a lot less than love.  

Instead of just enjoying the moment, the here and now, I pick and probe and analyze, and tear apart, every word said, every touch, every look, every gesture.  I pick at whatever relationship I’m in, much like a scab, until it’s opened and bleeding again, instead of coming together and healing.  I look for hidden meanings where there are none.  I weigh and measure everything ‘Did he mean this, or did he mean that?’  

Why is it that I can’t just be happy with the way things are?  Why do I have to go looking for trouble?  I am so desperate to find something that can’t really be found.  It’s a choice two people make, day in and day out.  It’s not something that you can pick up and just have one day.  It takes time, it takes work.  

Finally, this weekend, I relaxed, I enjoyed, I didn’t worry about tomorrow, I let today take care of itself.  And I had a wonderful weekend.  We spent the entire weekend together.  I showed up at his place Friday night and went home Sunday night.  We cooked together, cleaned the apartment together, worked on his report together, went shopping together.  Then, last night, he cooked me a steak dinner.  Put a jazz cd in the cd player, turned the lights down low, poured the wine and served dinner.  We ate and talked and laughed and it was terribly fun, terribly romantic and it touched my heart that he was trying so hard.  

We talked about his life with JC, why they broke up.  We talked about his plans for his life, what he would do with 35 million dollars.  We not only shared our lives together, we shared our lives.  We clicked, we connected, we meshed, we became a couple.  He even said ‘I love you’ but he was asleep when he said it, so I don’t believe it was a true I love you.  But it was a start.

I’m learning to let go, to be less uptight, less stressed, less worried and fearful of the future.  He may not be The One, but how will I know if I don’t let things just be, and just happen?  How will I know for sure if I am always trying to manipulate the situation to get the outcome I want?

I’ve been trying so hard to drive my life down a certain path, and make sure everyone around me follows suit.  Life is not something to be controlled.  I’m just along for the ride, and when I let go, and life happen, it’s amazing what happens.  You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.

Friday, January 27, 2006

You have the right to your opinion

In the past day or two I’ve had to have several conversations with my ex. Not pleasant conversations to say the least. (do we ever have pleasant conversations anymore? Did we ever in the first place?)

He starts out talking to me about the girls, (there always seems to be a problem he can’t handle) and then it escalates from there. This one happened to come ‘round to his new living arrangements. C asked me ‘What’s your problem with my living with her? You’re living with someone.” WTF? Whoa! Did I miss something? I am living with my kids, and nobody else. Z has his own place, I have my own place, and we are NOT living together. There was no explaining that to C. He of course, knew better. He was smarter and wiser, and way more informed when it comes to my life and living arrangements than I am. When I explained we were not living together, all of a sudden it switched to ‘Oh, yeah, probably because he’s still married.’ Where did you get this garbage? You’re out of your tree. Christ.

I finally realized that I didn’t need to be goaded into an argument with him. There was no reason. I know the truth, Z knows the truth, the kids know the truth. Why should I care what C thinks? His opinion doesn’t matter, and he can’t do anything. I’m not doing anything wrong. Why do I still feel the need to defend myself, my choices, my life to him? Why do I still think it’s so damned important that he know the truth? He never bothered with the truth before, it’s always been totally irrelevant in the past. Even when faced with the truth (and always the proof to back it up) he didn’t believe it, because his truth, or the reality he created in his mind was much more interesting and created bigger fights.

When I stopped arguing with him, I got a text message, ‘I feel sorry for Z because he’s with you.’ Wait a minute buddy. You feel sorry for Z because he’s with me? I’m sorry, but correct me if I’m wrong. Weren’t you with me for 10 years? And you had no intention of leaving. Every time you threatened to leave, you changed your mind and stayed. Even after I left you, you begged and begged me to take you back and try again. Not once, but twice. So, if it was really that bad with me, why the fuck did you try to so hard to stay?

He, of course, had no answer to that question. When faced with an undeniable truth, his answer is ‘Fuck you’ which has always translated into ‘You’re right and we both know it and I have no way to win this argument.’

After 10 years with him I have finally learned all I have to remember is “I know the truth, and it really doesn’t matter what he thinks. He can’t change the truth.” He can think whatever he wants, be as wrong as he wants, it doesn’t change the fact and the truths of my life.

Tate's Hair

This morning, as usual, on a school day, Tate wanted to try something new with her hair, but was not sure what exactly. Lucky for her I had been helping a friend of mine look at hair styles for her upcoming wedding. I tried out a new idea on Tate this morning. Here are the results

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I ordered this outfit this week, partly for motivation to get the abs back in shape, and part to wear to the BIG Race. Yes, the jacket will be zipped and cover my abs, but I think it's too cute to pass up. Besides, if nothing else, it will make a great travel outfit.

I ordered this outfit too. It's a skirt/tank set and it's more covered. Cute and sporty. It will be cute and comfy while walking around in the crowds.

I'm so damned excited!!!

The Power of 3

3 names you answer to:
Mom, Boo, Beck
3 parts of your heritage:
Cherokee Indian
3 things that scare me:
Anything happening to my kids
3 of your everyday essentials:
Bob and Tom in the morning
My cell phone
3 things you are wearing right now:
Tommy Girl cologne
A smile
3 of your favorite songs:
“Follow Me” by Uncle Kracker
Hollaback Girl by Gwen Steffani
“I Believe in Love” by The Dixie Chicks

3 things you want in a relationship (other than real love):
Good sex/chemistry
2 truths and 1 lie (in any order):
I have tickets to the Daytona 500
I will never get married again
I will never tell which of the above is the truth or the lie
3 things about the opposite sex that appeal to you:
A great sense of humor
Self Confidence
3 of your favorite hobbies:
3 places you want to go:
Jordan (I would love to see Z’s homeland, his heritage, his history)
The Smithsonian (I hear you could spend a week and not see it all)
Ireland (I have fallen in love with the country through books, and I want to explore my heritage)
3 things you want to do before you die:
Go back to school and get a finance degree
Travel to Ireland
Go to New York

3 ways that you are stereotypically a male/female:
I can spend all day window shopping.
A new pair of shoes can make even the worst of days tremendously better
I believe you can never be too thin, too rich, own too many shoes or sweaters

Leave - Get Out- A step in the right direction

I've been waiting all day here for you babe So won't you come sit and talk to me And tell me how we're gonna be together always I hope you know that when it's late at night I hold on to my pillow tight And think of how you promised me forever (I never thought that anyone) Could make me feel this way (Now that you're here boy all I want) Is just a chance to say

Get out (leave) right now It's the end of you and me It's too late (now) and I can't wait for you to be gone 'Cause I know, about her (who) And I wonder (why) How I bought all the lies You said that you would treat me right But you was just a waste of time (waste of time)

Tell me why you're looking so confused When I'm the one who didn't know the truth How could you ever be so cold? To go behind my back and call my friend Boy you must've gone and bumped your head Because you left her number on your phone (So now after all is said and done) Maybe I'm the one to blame, but (To think that you could be the one) Well it didn't work out that way

I wanted you right here with me But I have no choice, you've gotta leave Because my heart is breaking With every word I'm sayingBoy, I gave up everything I had On something that just wouldn't last But I refuse to cry No tears will fall from these eyes (ohh, ohh)
Get out!

Leave (Get out) by JoJo, is my ring-tone when the girls’ dad calls.  It just seems so fitting.  It empowers me, and reminds me why we’re not together.   The story/message behind the story reminds me that he lied to me, to her.  He cheated us out of a real chance at happiness.  He chose his girlfriend over his family, his daughters.  He asked me once, “What can you give me that she can’t?”   Simple. Your family, every night, every day, no questions, your real family all the time.  And yet it wasn’t enough.  I wasn’t enough, 10 years of my life and two daughters was not enough.  

I know that now.  I know that not just in my head, but in my heart and my soul.  I know it to the very core of my being.  He’s gone out of my life.

That being said, when I found out he moved the heifer in with him, I got pissed off.  Not because I want him (I don’t) not because I love him (I don’t) but I still was mad and wanted her out.  I wanted to control his life.  I don’t want him, but I don’t want anyone to end up with him, or him to end up with anyone else.  If he can’t be happy with me, he shouldn’t be happy at all.  It’s a matter of control.  It’s an illusion.  

Once I realized all of that, I let it all go.  I let go of the anger, I let go of the need to control.  I have moved on, I have closed my heart to  him, so it doesn’t matter to me.

It was hard to let go.  The urge to beg, plead, plot, manipulate and get him back, not so much back, but away from her, was instinctive.  I had to change my behavior, my thought process and my actions.  It was a conscious choice, and I made it and I acted on it and I’ve once again let go, and moved on.  

It’s a step in the right direction.  The journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step.

Scary moments

Yesterday at work, Z and I were talking, and he had decided that he was going to stay home last night and veg out at his place.  He was having a shit day, and apparently it got worse the longer it went.

So, I got the kids home, and fed and homework done, and we were just hanging out not doing much.

Z called, and had apparently had a change of heart.  His day had gone from bad to worse to shit to fuck in the course of the afternoon, and was threatening to spill over into today.  He needed a distraction, a place he could go, let go, relax and enjoy.  I felt pretty good knowing he thought being with me, at my place, kids and all was a good place to be to unwind from a horrible, terrible, rotten, no good, very bad day.

Around the time Z showed up, the girls were picking out a movie to watch.  Going through our collection of VHS tapes, Tate found the tape of her birth and of course latched on to the idea that would be perfect.  OH God help us all.  

Now, this home movie shows nothing graphic of the delivery (there was none of the conception, there is none of the delivery) and in fact it’s rather boring and mundane.  It’s got several shots of me laying in the hospital bed breathing through contractions and a few shots of the clock, and a few of other people in the room yada, yada, yada.  Then the fun starts, cleaning Tate up, and the whole rigamarow they put newborns through in the nursery.  

But really, when you’ve just been dating a guy for 6 weeks, do you really want him to see you at the hospital giving birth to a baby that is so very obviously not his?  No.  At least I don’t.

It was touch and go for a minute or two, but cooler, older, heads prevailed and we didn’t watch Tate make her entrance into this world.  At least not last night.  

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

You tend to take more than give in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.
This couldn't be any more dead on. Sounds like it was written about me. Problems? Probably. Can I fix them? Don't know. I can change my behavior pattern, my expectations and see where that goes.

He curls my toes

Can I just say how sweet it is to sleep curled up next to someone who loves to hold you all night long and then tells you the only problem with spending the night wrapped up in each other is having to get up in the morning and go to work?

Monday, January 23, 2006

Not my secret now

As I have said before, PostSecret is my Monday morning addiction. I love to read everyone’s secrets. I hurt for them, and I pray for them, Please let them find some sort of peace now that the secret has been shared.

I haven’t yet sent my secret in. I haven’t found the courage. Still too afraid my family and friends would know it was me and not sure I’m ready to face their reactions. So, I continue to keep it. Someday……

Anyway, this secret posted today, grabbed my heart. I could have been mine, (it’s not) but I’ve done this. I build walls, I create drama to test the people in my life. Do they love me enough to help me, to break down my walls? When I am not getting what I want, I pull away, build the walls, and dare them to try and get in. It’s a childish way to control and manipulate people. It's a childish ploy to get attention. Even negative attention is attention. I am aware of it now, and I fight the urge to do it. I am working on changing things, my behaviors, my expectations, my reactions, my actions.

To everyone I’ve controlled and manipulated this way, I am sorry. There is no excuse for it. I am acting from childish insecurities and it’s time to put them away. It’s time to grow up, stop the games.

It was not the secret I would have sent in, but apparently it was my secret. Now, it’s not.

Friday, January 20, 2006

L Bug

L   Bug:

God knows I love her, and I’ve been where she is. I know what my answer would be. She’s just not there yet. Not ready to commit to that answer, take the first step down that path.

She just called to vent.  This is happening with more regularity lately.  Not that she doesn’t have legitimate reasons to bitch, he’s giving her plenty.  His dad is seriously ill, and in the hospital.  So, being the good son that J is, he stayed up until 3:00 this morning getting drunk with the intention of calling in this morning.  Oops!  Forgot a major important meeting scheduled for today, with a major client.  Oh well.

He stayed home today, hopped up on the ‘candy’ and the beer and gambled away over $5000 of their money.  Their entire tax refund and then some.  They were going to use that money to pay off a lot of their bills and maybe get ahead, but because he was pissed, and drunk, and fucked up, they are now screwed over.  He tells her  “I realized today what I lost”. Great. Any ideas on how to get it back?  It’s not like it was there to lose.

The house, the car, his motorcycle, all of the utilities, everything is in her name.  She can’t afford to leave him or kick him out, because she can’t make the payments on it all without him (although, with him gambling away all their money, I don’t see how he’s contributing to the payments.).  She’s at her wits end.  She doesn’t know what to do, where to go.  All she knows is she doesn’t want to go home, ever.

I know I can’t make the choice for her.  Just like she couldn’t make the choice for me.  She was ready to move me out long before I was ready to move out.  And now, I’m ready to move her out but she’s not ready.  She can’t see the way out yet, and she won’t until she’s ready.  I know, I’ve been there.  I have the scars to prove it (emotional, not so much physical).  At this point, all I can do is listen, and love her, and support her decisions, whatever they may be.

That’s the glory of our friendship.  We may not always agree with each other, but we always support each other 110%.  I may not agree with her choice, her decision, the path she’s taking, but it’s her life, and she has to live it not me.  All I can do is offer unconditional love and support and be there to help pick up the pieces and clean up the mess, (and bury the bodies if need be).

Someday you’ll see the way out of the forest and you’ll find the sunshine again.  I know, because I traveled down my long dark scary path for far too long before I found my way out of the darkness and into the light.  I will be there beside you all the way, holding your hand, wiping away tears, cussing him out with you, reminding you what a rat bastard he was today.  When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. I will be there with a shovel to help bury the bodies and I will provide you with an unshakable, air-tight alibi.  I love you.  There is hope.  I know you’ll find your way.

I gotta do something

Ok, it’s time to buckle down and get my ass in gear and do something.  I’ve got exactly 1 month to lose a few pounds and get my hips/thighs/and ass in some sort of shape resembling hips thighs and ass, instead of the pigs wrestling in a sack that they look like right now.

A few months ago, some kids in the neighborhood came by selling subscriptions to magazines.  So, sucker that I am, bought a 2-year subscription to Shape. (Hell of a price, actually)  Guess what?  Now, every month, delivered right to my mailbox, is a huge guilt trip.  Who knew you could get guilt delivered to your door?

It’s not that I don’t read the magazines.  Hell, I read them, almost cover to cover, devouring them.  The problem is, my body won’t shape up, and the weight won’t come off just because I read a magazine.  I’ve got to actually find the time/energy/motivation to get up and do the things in that magazine.

I know I need to make better choices about what I eat.  I know I would do good to eliminate soda, sugar, pasta, bread, and start loading up on the veggies and the fruits.  But when faced with lettuce or fried shrimp, I’m going for the seafood.  When faced with fruits and veggies or bacon cheeseburgers, bacon wins hands down.  Strawberries are good… they are even better covered with sugar and Cool Whip™.  

I like to pretend that if I had a treadmill or something similar, I could exercise on that at night while I watch my shows.  I know that the reality of the situation would be, it would be in the way, it would seldom get used. I would have to constantly yell at the kids to get off of it, and there would be stuff hanging from it and piled on top of it.  

So,  I am hoping, that by posting this here, I will be motivated to be true to my word and live up to not only my expectations, but those of my 1 or 2 readers.  I am going to try really hard to work out, to watch what I eat, and to make better choices, to get up off my ass and get in shape by next month.  (Yes, I have a specific goal, and a specific reason, a really awesome reason, but right now, it’s a secret.)  

Right after I have fried shrimp and a baked potato for lunch.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Wait it out...

I guess it really doesn’t matter.  This is another case of needing to let go of my over-thinking mind.

The Ex just sent me a text message that he’s moved his girlfriend in. This is the same girl who has, in the past, yelled at my daughters and told them that they don’t matter. She has told them that their feelings are unimportant. She has also told them that her daughters are more important than they are (she said this to them in their father’s house!  EXCUSE ME?!)  And when he was told about it, he of course, took the girlfriend’s side in the matter, all but calling our daughters liars.

So, I have made it very clear to her and to him that she is NOT their mother and when it comes to my girls, she will have ABSOLUTELY NO SAY in any decision that involves them.  As far as I am concerned, and as far as they are concerned, she is nobody.

Now, just let it all go.  No point in working up a full head of steam about this.  He’s not going to move her out (he doesn’t have the balls) but I know if I wait long enough and give them both enough rope, they will hang themselves.

Good things come to them who wait....

So, I’ve been trying very hard to embrace this whole ‘letting go, let it be’ mind-set. To use a quote from a review of a book my sister is reading. I am trying to “move beyond the overthinking mind” and trying to “flow with life, despite the waves of ups and downs.”

I know in my head that trying to control the people and world around me is crazy, and pointless. It’s insane. It’s impossible. It frustrates me to no end, and I never get the results I’m after. In the past, when I get to this point, and then just give up, let it go, then things seem to work out better than if I had been trying.

Take Z for instance. Yes, I’ve been having problems with this lately, worrying about tomorrow, next week, next weekend, instead of enjoying today. So, after this weekend, I have just backed off, let it go. He’s busy at work, he’s running around the factory most of the day. We haven’t talked much, I don’t see him much at work. When I relaxed and let it go, and stopped worrying about things, it all worked out.

He came over Tuesday for just about an hour. We watched TV, and when he said ‘Well, I’m gonna go home’ I let him go. I didn’t offer to let him stay, I didn’t ask him to stay. I just said “OK”. So, last night, he called and asked me to come eat dinner with him. We ate dinner, then decided to watch a movie, and I had been friendly with him, but not ‘touchy-feely’ or lovey. And he reached for me, wrapped me in his arms and kissed me. Not just my lips, but my heart and soul. Then he looked me in the eyes, “See how much sexier it is when you’re not trying so hard.” Uh-huh. I was gone.

I spent the night last night, and he held me all night. When I woke up hot, I sat up, trying to get my barrings, and he wouldn’t let go, and asked me over and over ‘Baby, are you ok? It was just a dream. It’s ok. Come here, I’ll make it better. You’re safe here.” Thanks, but I’m just hot, can I get a tee-shirt?

Ok, so, in truth, I probably do love him. I do love spending time with him, I do love being with him. But I also know, he’s not ready for that yet. So, I don’t say anything, I relax and enjoy our time together, and maybe, just maybe, this will turn into something serious.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


Four places of employment in your life: McDonald’s, College Bookstore, Scholastic, Chrysler/Dodge Dealership

Four movies you could watch over and over: Legally Blonde, Troy, Kingdom of Heaven, Charlie’s Angels

Four places you've lived: Jonesburg, Imperial, Hannibal, Jefferson City (or we could go: College dorm, apartment, trailer, and house)

Four TV shows you love to watch: CSI, Law & Order, 2 ½ Men, and American Idol

Four places you've been on vacation: Florida, Kansas (not really a vacation, just a trip every year to visit family), Colorado (mom and dad were taking classes, not much of a vacation for them, I was 5. Great time for me and the bro), Tennessee (again, not sure it was a vacay, it was a church sponsored work-camp trip)

Four websites you visit daily: Windows of my Mind, Mullinax Family Website, my Hotmail account, and Lucky Cracker.

Four of your favorite foods: Cheesecake, anything Mexican, steak, chocolate

Four places you'd rather be: On a beach, Las Vegas, Ireland, shopping

Four albums you can't live without: Phantom of the Opera, Chicago, Black Eyed Peas, and Tim McGraw

Four magazines you read: Cosmo, Glamour, Shape and People

Four cars you've owned: ’79 Sunbird, ’91 Grand Am (my favorite one), ’89 Mustang GT, and ’93 Eagle Vision

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The Recurring Theme of my life these days

My cousin’s wife, M wrote the following on her website yesterday.

I suppose the main thing is to know in my OWN heart what is felt and what is real....not so much what another person can give back to me

The thing is, I am not, will not, stop feeling what I’m feeling for him. Feelings are never wrong, and you should allow yourself to feel them, experience them fully. Don’t deny them, don’t stifle them. What I feel is real. It’s not about what he can give back to me. But I won’t deny my feelings, because they are not wrong. He did not set out to make me love him. Just him being him touched me in a way I can’t explain.

There’s a line in ‘Little Black Book’ when Stacy (played by Britney Murphy) tells her boyfriend “If we shared our lives together, shouldn’t we have at least shared our lives?” Z had told me before about the photo albums, telling me they were full of pictures, but not to get into them, they were full of his ex. I told him ‘Hey, everyone has a past. You’re entitled to have a life. I know you had a life before me. It makes you who you are today.” Then this weekend, he shared them with me. Told me stories, shared his life, shared his history, his past with me. He let me into a place he didn’t want me to go before. He opened up too. How could I could keep my heart closed off when he has opened himself up so much?

I can’t make him feel what I want him to feel. His feelings are as real and as right for him as mine are for me. I have to find it in myself to accept that. Plain and simple. It’s a matter of letting go of control and accepting life as it is. Another question I need to ask myself, am I 'in love' with him, or am I 'in love' with being part of a couple, in love with being in love? Am I really in love at all?

Seems to me that the universe is trying it’s damnedest to get this message through to me, because everywhere I turn, no matter what I read, there is the same message, the same recurring theme. Maybe it’s time to open my eyes, pull my head out of my ass and pay attention. Let go, stop trying to control things, let things happen on their own time, in their own way.

My sister is reading a book she talks about on her blog. Part of the review of the book says the following:
Kasl blends Buddhism with mind-body approaches to focus energy and move beyondthe overthinking mind to a connection with our emotional body. Whether or notyou are familiar with Buddhism this lively book on the art of flowing with life,despite the waves of ups and down, are filled with simple techniques to stayclear of chatter and familiar emotional responses.

There is my problem. I am stuck in my “overthinking mind” and totally ignoring my “emotional body”. I need to find “the art of flowing with life despite the waves of ups and downs”. (Didn’t I say my sister is wise beyond her years? God I love her!)

So, letting go, Let it be. New themes in my life. My therapy sessions this summer taught me how to do this. Dr. P gave me the techniques I would need to do this, I did it wonderfully this summer with my ex. Now, I just need to learn how to apply it to my life. I can let it go.

When Z doesn’t call right after work, or doesn’t call at all, I need to remember not to panic, it doesn’t mean anything. I need to stop reacting to the fact that he’s not acting they way I want him to. If we don’t get to chat at work until 3:30, it doesn’t mean he’s mad at me, it means he’s busy, or I’m busy. He doesn’t have to check in with me every day. Yes, he did call me every day for the longest time, but things have picked up at work, and it’s crazy insane. We’re not married, we’re not joined at the hip, we’re just getting started. Relax.

Sorry, little pep talk to myself.

Ok Universe, I hear you. I get the message. I see the theme. I get it. Now I’m going to make every effort to put it all into motion and make it work.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Hannibal Pics

Just for shits and grins, here are a few pics from our trip.

Z standing in front of the board fence Tom Sawyer convinced his friends to whitewash for him.

That's me, in the Old Drug Store.

Z sitting on an exhibit in the Mark Twain Museum. That's Tom Sawyer on the left, and Mark Twain behind Z.

It was such a fun trip, but I know it will be better in the spring or summer. I hope we get to go back when there's more to do and more to see.

Let it be What a concept

Let It Be (the Beatles)

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be.
Yeah there will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on till tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be.
A there will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be.
A there will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.

My sister is wise beyond her years sometimes. She sends me this message:
"I know, Wool, yarn, spinning and Nestea. Just let it go, relax and enjoy the ride. Stop looking for hidden meanings behind every single thing he says and does. Sometimes a rose is really just a rose." Yes, That's it. There once was a very popular band that had 4 members. Some say they changed the world. One of their hit songs was called "Let It Be." Wise men indeed.

That’s what I have to work on, letting go, let it be, relax, enjoy the ride. If I spend all of my time plotting and planning for tomorrow, I’ll totally miss out on the fun and joy and laughter of today. If I spend all my time worried ‘Will he be here tomorrow?’ I will miss out on him/us today. If tomorrow never comes, don’t let today go to waste. There is no guarantee of any tomorrows, enjoy today. Why borrow trouble when there is none?

I am the first born child of a first born child. First borns are organized beyond belief, we are exact, precise, and control freaks. We are perfectionist, not only in ourselves, but in others. We want perfection in everything, and the only way to guarantee that is to control everything in our life.

Funny, life is completely beyond anyone’s control. I could spend hours, days, weeks, months, a lifetime beating my head against proverbial brick walls because life is uncontrollable. The only thing I can have absolute control over is myself. How do I act and react to life around me? Do I relax and enjoy the ride, or do I fight the current and try to swim upstream? That’s a lot of work, a lot of effort and very little if any payoff.

What I’ve been doing in the past, isn’t getting the results I want, it’s not working for me. So, it’s time to change directions, time to try something new. Letting go. Let it be. What a concept.

Hooked on a feeling

Hooked On A Feeling
Blue Swede

I can't stop this feeling
Deep inside of me
Girl, you just don't realize
What you do to me
When you hold me
In your arms so tight
You let me know
Everything's all right, ahahah

I'm hooked on a feeling
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me

Lips as sweet as candy
Their taste stays on my mind
Girl, you keep me thirsty
For another cup of wine

I got it bad for you girl
But I don't need a cure
I'll just stay addicted
If I can endure
All the good love
When we're all alone
Keep it up girl
Yeah, you turn me on

I'mmm, I'mmm hooked on a feeling
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me
All the good love
When we're all alone
Keep it up girl
Yeah, you turn me on

Ahaha I'm hooked on a feeling
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me

I'm hooked on a feeling
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me

Z dug around in all of his cds before we left so that he could find this particular song. Then he tells me, it’s just for me. What am I supposed to do with that? Pretend it’s just him bullshitting with me, or do I think, hope, believe there are some feelings starting to develop? I know, Wool, yarn, spinning and Nestea. Just let it go, relax and enjoy the ride. Stop looking for hidden meanings behind every single thing he says and does. Sometimes a rose is really just a rose.

What a Wonderful Weekend

What a wonderful weekend. I spent Friday night with Z. I had left him an email, “I don’t have kids at all this weekend, and I would really like to spend some time with you, but I’m leaving the choice up to you.” Wonderful as always. It’s so easy, so comfortable, and familiar. There is an unspoken intimacy between us that can’t be denied. Saturday he went to work for about an hour, and then we were off.

First we went to Hermann, to the Stone Hill winery. Tasted several wines and you have to understand, Z is a wine connoisseur. They offered a ‘Wine 101’ tour, where you could go to all the wineries in the area and sample their wines. Z, of course, could have taught the damned class. He’s been to Bordeaux, the wine capitol of the world. “When we get home, I’ll show you pictures, if you don’t mind pictures of the Ex,” Hey Z, you’re allowed to have a past, and a life. When I asked him about Napa Valley, CA wines, he said “Those wines are to wine as Natural Lite is to beer.” After buying a couple of bottles of wine, we were off to Hannibal.

Of course, this is the off season, so it’s going to be dead, and slow, and not much to really look at, but he wanted to ‘Visit Mark Twain’. On the way there, I realized we moved to Hannibal exactly 20 years ago this month. And, I haven’t been back since we left, 16 years ago. A lot has changed. Rampy’s are no longer there. The museum has moved and been changed, the visitor center has changed as well. They now charge $8 per adult to tour the home, when before it was just a donation, a suggested $2.00 donation. You can open doors and kind of go in the house, but not walk through it. The museum is better, it has more exhibits, and it’s almost worth the $8.00. It was nice to go back there, and share that with him. He told me, “When I was 7 years old, and I knew the world revolved around me, but I didn’t know of the world beyond my neighborhood, or my town. I knew there was a Missouri, and a Hannibal Missouri. I knew about Mark Twain.”

When we got back to his place, we leisurely cooked dinner, took time to talk, to visit, to chat, to laugh. Took time to eat, and enjoy a bottle of wine, and each other.

Then, he dug out his photo albums, and showed me pictures of France, Spain, New York, J.C (The Ex) and his family, his mother, his brothers, his sisters-in-law, Nick and Jonathan. In other words, he shared his life with me.

I wanted to hate J.C, ok, maybe not hate her, but I was prepared for stabs of jealousy and hurt because she still lives in his heart, and because she does, I can’t. I wanted her to be fat and ugly. And I saw the pictures, and she wasn’t either. She was cute; she looked like she’d be a lot of fun. And I found I couldn’t hate, in fact, I was jealous he knew her and I didn’t and we couldn’t be friends. I wasn’t jealous of their relationship. Looking at their pictures, I could see how happy and in love they were. No stabs of jealousy at all. He opened up his photo albums, opened his past, opened his life, opened his heart to me, and by the end of all the pictures, I had fallen in love with him.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Wool, yarn, Nestea, open hands and me

Maybe giving up is not the answer. Letting go, losing control, kicking back, maybe that is the answer.

One of my truths is this, I always felt ‘starved for affection’ as a child.  For as long as I can remember I have been terribly insecure and starved for affection.  I’m not saying my parents didn’t love me, they did, the best way they knew how.  Turns out I am a very hands on, touchy-feely kind of person, and they weren’t hands on touchy-feely kind of parents.  There were not a lot of outward signs of affection.  In our family, there still aren’t a lot.  The hugs are sometimes still awkward.  That is why hugs and kisses are so damned important to me with my kids now.  They will never feel starved for affection, at least not from me.  

I cling to affection like ivy clings to buildings, like stink clings to skunks, like dirt clings to little boys.  It’s in my nature.  It is something that I can change, given time and determination.  Lucky for me I have both.

My sister, God love her (and so do I) read my earlier post and sent me the following:

I was just getting ready to email you and then I checked your blog again and saw the new post.  Open hands.  Not holding too tightly.  That's exactly what I was going to email you.  

Some of this will make much more sense once you actually see how spinning works, but maybe you can still get what I'm saying.

I spin probably 15 - 20 skeins of yarn a day.  Of course, some days there are more, some days less (some days, much much less.)  It's hard, but it's getting easier and easier every day.  I sit down to spin now with a smile on my face and a time limit - if I let myself go, I'll spin for hours and hours and hours and nothing else will get done.  It's a joy to me.  Now.

It wasn't when I started.  When I first started, I got so frustrated and ended up in tears many times.  I have always picked up on things easily.  Things seem to come naturally to me.  Not spinning.  Spinning took a lot of work, a lot of trying, a lot of failure.  And yes, a lot of tears.  I couldn't figure out how the yarn slipped way too quickly through my fingers.  Why would it get out of my hands and wind up around the spindle, but still only be a big blob of wool - certainly not spun yarn??  Why in the hell couldn't I get new wool to grasp onto old yarn so I could continue to spin?  WHY WHY WHY?  Dave made it look so easy!  The books made it look so easy!  Why couldn't I get it??

As the yarn slipped through my fingers again and again and again, I clung tighter to the yarn.  I wouldn't let it spin because I felt it wasn't catching onto the new wool yet and if I let it go, it would spin out of my hands and I'd have to start all over again.  So, I held tightly trying with all of my might to make the raw wool cling to the spun yarn.  Guess what happened?  More tears.

Finally, in desperation, I just let go.  I sat with a bunch of raw wool and mohair in my lap and a starter yarn coming from the wheel and just started treadling.  I couldn't believe it, but it was picking up the raw wool!!  I wasn't even touching the damned thing and it was working!  And then I knew why.

Wool is hair and, like human hair, is covered in cuticles that will separate and peel apart and fluff out.  It is the spreading out of these cuticles that allows it to be spun into yarn.  The cuticles from one fiber pick up the cuticles from the other fibers (kind of like Velcro) and that is what lets it be spun.

When I held the fibers tightly, I kept the cuticles from puffing up.  I was suppressing them and holding them flat, thereby eliminating any chance that they could grab onto others and eventually become more than it started out being - a pile of raw wool.  The tighter I held it, the less of a chance I had at success.  When I eventually just let go, however, and held no expectations, no pressure, no meddling, it took off on its own.  When I just had faith that it would work out eventually, it did.

Relationships can be a lot like that.

On December 7th, I wrote the following:

"I will work hard this afternoon, to remind myself to let it go.  Let go of the ineffective need to control my universe.  Nestea ™ plunge life if you will.  The Nestea ™ commercials when they would fall back into the pool, just let go, and fall.  And so I have to adopt that attitude towards my life, the people in my life and the universe around me.  Nestea ™ my life.  

Besides, I’ve discovered in the past, that once I let go of the need to control, things have an uncanny way of working out better than I could have orchestrated by myself."

See a theme emerging here?  I have been clinging too tightly, trying once again to control those things that are truly beyond my control.  Trying to make things what I want them to be, instead of accepting and enjoying them as they are.  Holding too tightly, working too hard for more tomorrows instead of enjoying today.  Holding on too tightly caused him to close up, and no matter how hard or often I reached for him, he just couldn’t be there to grab hold of me.  If I stop planning tomorrow and enjoy today, tomorrow will take care of itself.  I will be less of a control freak, less of a neurotic mess, and he’ll be more open and likely to spend time with me, on his own.

I won’t spin wool into yard, that’s my sister’s thing, not so much mine.  It was hard for her to figure it out in the beginning, but she never gave up, and eventually the light went on, and she got it.  She’s much better at it now than she was.  Dating is going to be my spin from wool to yarn.  I’m new at it, and it’s hard, and I suck at it.  But I won’t give up, I’ll keep trying, and eventually I hope, a light will go on, and I’ll get it, and I’ll find someone who wants to take my wool and spin his with mine and make beautiful yarn together.  Until then, just let go, open hands, open eyes, open arms, open mind, open heart.  Stop planning tomorrow, and enjoy today.  Tomorrow may never come, and you’ll regret missing today.

I am still learning

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts.

And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With the grace of God, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
And after a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure ...

That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn ...
And with every goodbye, you learn.

It’s ironic, actually. I was surfing the web one day in the midst of my divorce and I found the above poem, quote, whatever you want to call it. It touched me, it meant something to me. It gave me hope and a voice inside me said ‘You’re on the right path.’ I sent an email to my sister when I found it, and she told me she had found it during her divorce too and it had helped her.

Today I need it. I need it to remind me that there is hope, don’t give up just yet. Presents are not promises, kisses aren’t contracts, company does not mean security. There were no promises made for any tomorrows, a night together did not guarantee a future together. We were building a friendship, not a life.

I know the difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. My soul was chained for far too long. I need to remember that, and not hold on so tightly. Sometimes the best way to keep something is to let it go, hold it with an open hand, and open mind, open arms and an open heart. Even baby chicks die if you hold them too tightly.

I will come out of this ok, stronger than before. I will endure, I am strong, and I know that I have worth. I believe in that worth now. With every good-bye you learn. I am still learning.

I don't know the rules. I give up

Another sad day.  Another good bye.  I guess I’m just going to give up on dating, on men, on hope of finding someone to share even a small portion of my life with.  I do this to myself.  I always build it up to so much more than it is.  I always open myself up too much too soon and I put it all out there and get hurt.  I don’t know the rules of casual dating, I don’t know the rules of casual anything.  

So, excuse me while I go crawl into my little hole, hide away from the rest of the world and become a hermit.  To avoid opening myself up again and getting my heart trampled on, I’m just going to quietly close and lock the door and walk off into the sunset.  I’m just going to quietly give up.  I am done.  I’ve hurt long enough, I can’t play the game, I don’t know the rules and it hurts too much when I lose and frankly I always lose.

I’m done.  I know now that I chose to love too much, and I chose to love people who don’t/can’t/won’t love me back.  I’m tired of guessing what are the rules, what is acceptable, what is too much, what is not enough.  I can’t play the game if I don’t know the rules, and I’ll admit, I don’t know the rules.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

The Moldy Apartment

Some of these pictures are not for the weak of stomach.

This is the floor in my bedroom. My dresser and TV stand stood in this corner. You can see the mold on the walls and all over the carpet. It had started growing on the TV stand and was so bad I had to throw it away.

This is the ceiling in my bathroom above my shower. This picture just shows the worst of the mold and decay, but does not do justice to the total damaged area. There are plastic sheets nailed to the walls to funnel the dripping water so that it would drip into the tub and avoid a mess every time the neighbors took a shower.

This is the ceiling and wall in my bedroom just on the other side of the shower. You can see that the water was leaking down this shared wall and the mold was starting to travel across my ceiling.

As we moved out we found mold on the backs of pictures we had hanging on walls, mold on shoes in closets, mold on clothes hanging in closets, mold on walls behind dressers and beds, mold on the dressers and the bedframes themselves. Everything had to be washed down with bleach water so that the mold would not spread and continue to grow in the new apartment.

What a nightmare.

Jordan, a country rich in history

So, I’ve decided to jump head first into this anyway, and find out what I can about Jordan. Z told me last night, that in July he is going home (to Jordan) for the first time in 10 years. He still has family over there, nieces and nephews, brothers and he’s excited to go home. Even though I know I won’t be making the trip, I still want to ‘see’ where he comes from.

I checked out and just to see if I could find out some history of the country and pictures. It is beautiful. The Dead Sea is there. Lot’s cave, where it is said that Lot and his daughters hid after God had destroyed the city of Sodom.

The rose-red city of Petra is there, absolutely beautiful. Also Wadi Rum, the desert landscape where they filmed Lawrence of Arabia.

“Jordanian Arabic coffee is strong and served in tiny cups; it is often flavored with cardamorn. Shake the cup to indicate that you do not want a refill. Coffee is an important symbol of hospitality and it is very common to be offered coffee or tea in small shops, or to be invited to have coffee in someone’s home. It is good etiquette to accept.”* Maybe that explains Z’s obsession with coffee. Every morning, he makes a pot of coffee and has at least two cups before walking out the door. I even have a cup of coffee when I stay over. When he came back from Louisiana he brought me two bags of his favorite coffees from home to have at my place when he stays over on the weekends.

I wonder if he observes Ramadan, and I wonder if he would be impressed or insulted if I asked him. Ramadan is a holy month of fasting, and smoking, eating and drinking are prohibited in public during the daylight hours. The actual date varies according to the Islamic lunar calendar.

There is still so much I want to read about and study, and so many things I want to ask him. I'm just so damned curious, but don't want him to think I'm obsessing about this. Just learning about his heritage makes me feel closer to him, if I can understand a little better where he comes from.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Horoscopes and Knuckleheads

Are you fully aware of how lucky you are? There are some amazing people in your life who have been guiding forces and inspirations on your path. In fact, some of the most difficult ones have taught you the most.

There is the horoscope for today.  I sometimes forget how lucky I am and have been.  I do have some pretty amazing people in my life who have done some pretty amazing things for me in the past couple of years.

The most amazing person is my #1 Knucklehead.  This is the one with tons of issues, a lot on his plate, drama of his own and lots of things to ponder, consider and deal with.  Out of respect for him and his life, I have given him some space.  Apparently it was more than he wanted, because he just called to say he missed me and wants to see me, just to hang out, visit, bullshit and catch up.  All the things I love to do with him.  As I’ve said before, some things will change, some things never will.

My Yahoo Avatar

Yahoo! Avatars

I love these! It's like your own personal paperdoll. You can pick and choose your hair color, hair style, eye color, clothes, accessories, backgrounds. It's awesome. A great, fun way to goof off at work (or at home). You can save them to use in emails. I only wish I looked half as good as my avatar does.

The Love and Light of my life

Meet Stealth. This little angel is my nephew. He is a blessing and a miracle. There were times we weren't sure we would ever get to meet this monkey-butt. When I think about missing out on his smiles, his laughter, his stories, I thank God that he's here. And I know, deep in my very soul that he was meant to be here. This child's life has a purpose, one I'm sure he knows nothing of.

The last 3 years of my life ( the whole of Stealth's) have not always been easy and not often happy, but I have survived. This little guy possess magic he knows nothing of, but he can and does heal my heart. He teaches me about unconditional, boundless, overpowering love. I couldn't love him more if I had given birth to him myself.

I have no doubt (and neither does his mother) that this child will do great things in his lifetime. He will touch lives and leave them changed. He will heal people, he will lead people, he will love people. He will bring joy, laughter, and love everywhere he goes. This child is a blessing and a miracle and I love him. I know we are blessed to have Stealth in our lives.

I hate this about me

I don’t want to remember how sweet it was in the beginning, and yet, I don’t want to forget.

Yesterday was an incredibly busy day for him, and therefore I didn’t get to talk to him much.  Today doesn’t seem to be much better, but already he’s found a few minutes to message me to say Hi.  I guess that’s something.

Things have been so wonderful between us, but I can’t get his “Don’t fall in love with me” out of my head.  I am constantly guarding my heart.  I’ll be the first to admit that I am like shop-vac when it comes to reading men.  I suck at it.  Plus, add to that mixture my own insecurities and thirst for affection, and it’s just muck.  So, I’m always on edge, inside, knowing I already care too much, afraid I’ll let that show and lose him, afraid he’ll find some little bitty microscopic reason to leave.  Never really sure where things stand, what he’s feeling, never fully comfortable in ‘us’, not even sure there is an ‘us’.

Then I remember back to all the phone calls while he was gone, all the nights we’ve spent together which out-number the nights we’ve spent apart, and I cling, desperately to any sign, no matter how small, that he cares, that ‘we’ are fine.

I hate this.  I hate how destructive I can be.  I hate that I know this and yet seem powerless to change it.  I hate that I’m never really sure of anything until it’s all over and then I’m sure of one thing. It’s over and I’m alone.  

I’m pretty sure we’re not there yet.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I had a dream

I had a dream Sunday night, (I’m sure I had several, but this one stands out).  I’ve been mulling it over in my head, and thought I’d write about it.

For whatever reason (and do you really need a logical reason in dreams?) Newt and I were getting ready to go on vacay with, of all people, her father’s family.  Uncle J, Aunt K, even G’ma J were there, ready to go with.  And, of course, him. The ex.  Newt’s father.

Newt was all excited.  I was still confused as to why I was going on vacay with these people with just Newt and not Tate.  K was excited I was getting the opportunity to go with.  Hell, for reasons unknown to me (again, with the reasons, don’t need ‘em in dreams) my mother was excited for me and she HATES with a passion my ex.

In this dream, I had an envelope.  In this envelope I had two newspaper clippings and $19.  I sat this envelope down (I know, stupid mistake.   But who knew?)  and when I came back for it, J is holding the envelope and the clippings but the money is gone.  Being honest as the day is long, J tells me that EH (ex husband) took the money.  So, thus begins the arguing, the begging, the pleading, the yelling, the screaming all over $19 which he has no reason (again, meaningless, pointless reasons) to keep, has no need for it.  Just wants it to prove to me that once again he wins and I am powerless to get him to do what I want.

I am thrown back into my life with him.  Even though I was older, and smarter than he ever was, I was always powerless in that relationship.  He held all the cards, all the power.  I was always jumping through hoops for him, doing his bidding, whatever it would take to make him happy, keep the peace. I would often let go and give up my hopes, my dreams, my wants, wishes, needs, and desires.  He gave up nothing.  I gave up everything.  

The only times I have ever had power was when we had to go to court.  My quiet unassuming, play by the rules, don’t make waves, demeanor won me many a court battle.  In his need to prove he was better, stronger, more powerful, and right while I was wrong, he would puff up and pound on his chest like a gorilla.  He would yell, argue, and call me names, belittle me hoping to make me look small and insignificant in the eyes of the court.  It only served to make him look foolish and insecure, and powerless and cost him court battles.

I woke up from that dream with the residue of his control still lingering in my mind. I realized it was a dream, the kids were safe, he was no longer a threat, I have my power, and I know now how to keep it.  He will never have power and control over me again.  As the fog and mist of the dream faded, so did the residue of the ex.  I gathered my strength and relaxed in the knowledge he can’t hurt me any more.

I looked beside me to see Z sleeping peacefully. As soon as I moved, he reached for me, pulled me close, kissed my cheek, “You ok Baby?”

I am now.

Which Peanuts Character are you?

You are Woodstock!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
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2 Princesses



Every once in a while they want to look like the Princesses they think they are.

Monday, January 9, 2006


Ready for some true love and high adventure? If your life has seemed the teensiest bit humdrum, you can rest assured that that's going to change -- and how. Get ready to step into a storybook situation.

And there is the horoscope for today.  Wonder what it means?  I never put any weight in these things, but love to read them for the shits and giggles of it all.  


There’s a 40% chance of snow
A 40% chance of sleet
And a 40% chance of rain
Isn’t that more than 100% chance something’s gonna happen?


Postsecret my guilty pleasure, and my obsession?  I am in awe that people out there have the guts to reveal their secrets, while I still hide mine.  I see secrets revealed that are bigger than mine, and some that are smaller, and yet, I continue to hide them.  

I read the new secrets every Monday morning.  I wonder who sent their secret in.  What does that person look like?  What do they do for a living?  Where do they work?  How do they feel now that their secret has been revealed?  Relief? Regret? What would I feel if I could only find the courage to send in mine?  Would my family recognize my secret?  Would they still love me?  Would it matter?  

Not ready yet.  Maybe someday.

Sunday, January 8, 2006

Loved them!

I sat down yesterday and 'saved my soul from eternal damnation' and watched The Godfather parts II and III and LOVED them both!

So, Z can now pick his jaw up off the floor and relax, I was born and raised in America, and now I've seen The Godfather.

Saturday, January 7, 2006

He says “Don’t fall in love with me”. I accept that. For now. I relax, enjoy the days we share, don’t stress about the days we don’t share, and take it one day at a time.

The thing is, he was born in Jordan (the country) which makes him Jordanian, and therefore makes him Muslim. He came to the States at the age of 15, which means he can still identify strongly with his homeland. The thing is, he has told me 1 story about his childhood, 1 single story, and I was fascinated by it. I am so blasted curious about what his life was like there, was his house big, was his father rich, what was school like, what did he do as a child for fun, did he have Christmas and Santa Claus like we do, and if not, what did they have?

I want to know what life in Jordan was like, and what it means to be Muslim. What kind of restrictions does that place on his life? Yet, I don’t want to ask him all the questions bubbling up inside of me, because it will sound like an inquisition. I want to know all of these things so that I can better understand him, and somehow feel closer to him. It’s because I care, I want to learn about what is important to him.

Yet, would learning all of that be viewed by him as another step closer to falling in love with him?

Friday, January 6, 2006

Great American Movies

Last night, Z and I were watching Scarface with Al Pacino. It’s supposed to be some great movie, and Z seemed genuinely shocked I had never seen it. So, we watched it. I was not impressed much. Maybe it’s just that a movie about the Miami underworld just doesn’t interest me, maybe it’s because the was no real plot aside from Montana (Pacino) was a Cuban immigrant who came up through the ranks and with guns blazing took over the drug empire. Just an excuse for a lot of gun fights, bloodshed and nonsense. As I said, I was not impressed.

But apparently, somebody somewhere was impressed because they’ve now released Scarface again, in a special anniversary edition. Yea! Big deal.

After the movie, we were discussing other ‘Great American Movies’ and Z all but fell over himself from shock, when I told him I have never seen the Godfather movies either.
Are you kidding me?
Nope, never seen them
How old are you again?
Older than you
How long have you been in this country?
All my life

How long have you been speaking English? (I don’t know what that has to do with The Godfather, but that’s what he asked)
The only language I’ve ever spoken.
And you’ve never seen The Godfather?

But it got me to thinking, if Scarface was this incredible movie, and The Godfather (parts I and II) are supposed to be Great American Movies, what other movies qualify for that title? And how many of them have I seen?

The internet produced several list options, Time Magazine offers ‘Time All-Time 100 Movies” (Scarface did not make that list). Yahoo! produced “Yahoo Top Rated Movies of All Time”. The American Film Institute (AFI) offered their list of the “100 Greatest Movies” (Scarface did not make that list either). Since the Time magazine list was compiled by two movie critics, Yahoo!’s list came with the following disclaimer: The votes of our most active users are used in generating these rankings, each movie must have a minimum of 500 votes to be included, and the AFI list was compiled by a panel of over 1500, I chose to go with AFI’s list.

I won’t bore you with the complete list of all 100 movies. You can check it out for yourself here: AFI 100 years 100 movies. I have seen all of 24 of the movies on the list. Almost a full quarter of the movies. Not too bad, actually. I’ve seen parts of 14 probably. There is only a small handful on the list that I have never heard of, or know anything about. Most of the list is familiar titles, and I could probably name one of the actors in each.

I’ve seen 3 of the top 5, and exactly half of the top 10, and isn’t it those that really count for something? The latest movie on the list ‘Fargo’ was made in 1996, which is 10 years ago. It’s possible this is an old list, or it’s possible there just haven’t been any really good movies in the past 10 years. Although I find it hard to believe that in the past 10 years there hasn’t been a movie better than “Fargo”. After all, Titanic is not on this list, and box-office sales say it was a blockbuster. There are no James Bond movies on this list, none of the Star Wars movies (minus the first one, Star Wars) and none of the Lord of the Rings movies. I’m thinking this list might be a bit incomplete.

So, I’m beginning to think that even though I have not yet seen The Godfather (parts l and ll) my soul may not be doomed to eternal damnation if I never see them. Nevertheless, Z and I are going to cuddle up on the couch with a couple of snuggly blankets, a bucket of popcorn, and have a Godfather movie fest this weekend, just in case.

Thursday, January 5, 2006

Don't fall in love with me

What the hell does this mean?

We're lying in bed last night, and he tells me "Don't fall in love with me. I care a lot about you and I don't want to hurt you and I know I will. I'm not good for you. The women in my past have messed me up and I don't want to hurt you."

Now, couple that with we spent the evening unpacking his stuff from his trip, putting away clothes and food, planning dinner tonight and making plans for the weekend. And in the midst of all of this, he would occasionally stop and just look at me, and then walk over and hug me and kiss me and just sigh.

So, what do I make of all of this?

I turned to my support system, MommaKohl, and LaciBug. Here’s what they have to say about it….

I would take his word for it. He's either saying it because 1) it's really true or 2) he's manipulating you. This is not a reflection upon him as a person, it's just that what he said is either said for one or the other of those reasons (anyone saying it would have those reasons.)

He sounds as though maybe he's afraid of jumping in too fast, but he's acting like he's going to jump too fast, anyway.. Maybe that's a track record of his (and from your own words, something that you have struggled with as well.) It hints of desperation (either that he's feeling desperate, has been desperate in the past, or it could be that he's wanting to make sure that bad past experiences don't happen again.)

I would say that S-L-O-W is the way to go. Tortoise and the Hare, you know?

Maybe you could try to just focus on this second. Today. Right now. Not so much "where is this going? Is he "the one?"

If it's right and easy now - and it really is right, it will still be right and easy in 6 months.
If it's right and easy now - and it really isn't right, you'll find that out soon enough.

I know it's much easier said than done. The thing about not having hopes and expectations, however, is that you can never be disappointed - only pleasently surprised.
I don't know. The best that I can make out is that he does like you and he doesn't want to hurt you b/c he has hurt girls in the past. I don't think that in any way it means that he doesn't want to have a relationship with you or anything, just that he cares enough not to want to hurt you. I think that he does care about you and enjoys spending time with you b/c why would he spend so much time with someone if you didn't??? Besides, if he was just attempting to hook and leave you do you really think that he would be talking to you when he's with his buddies, spend time with you and the kids, wake up with you, get to know your personality that much??? I think he may not be ready for a marriage relationship but is willing to have a casual relationship with you. I really don't think that he is going to up and leave. I think he just doesn't want you to get hurt.
So, I come away with more questions than any definite answers. I wonder what he would have done/said if, when he said “Don’t fall in love with me”, I had answered with “Too late, I already have.” Do men fish for complements and play head games and word games to figure out where the other person stands? Are they as underhanded and backwards as women can be? Has he fallen in love with me and here he was hoping I would answer “Too late” so that he could be relieved to know that I am feeling the same thing he is?

I know this, I feel loved when we’re together. We have a beautifully choreographed ballet routine of life. I’m as comfortable at his place as I am at mine. We both give and take. The everyday things of life are fun and easy because we’re together. We cook dinner together, we do dishes together, we unpack his luggage together, we pick up my kids from the sitter together, rent movies together. Even in the mornings when I sleep over, we are wonderfully choreographed in our morning routine. He makes the coffee, I know how much cream and sugar he wants in his. He watches the news drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, while I curl my hair and put on my make-up, we chat about the news, the weather, work, plans for that day, that week. The ease and comfort of being together in the most ordinary everyday situations is a greater intimacy than I’ve ever had with anyone else.

He looked into my eyes last night, right before he kissed me and I felt as if he was looking directly into my heart and soul and I was looking into his. It was the most clear, soulful, intense, intimate look I’ve ever shared. I was lost.

The truth is, if I go looking for the tarnish on the gold coin, I’m sure to find it and ruin what could be something very special and very beautiful. If I look for the flaws I’m sure to find them. If I just accept them as character, then they will add to the beauty. I can over think this and ruin something very special.

Even a diamond, with all its beauty and shine and sparkle has flaws if you look close enough and hard enough. In the overall grand scheme big picture of it all, it’s the beauty and sparkle and shine people notice. I want to sparkle for a while.

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Someone will always be smarter

Someone will always be smarter. Their house will be bigger. They will drive a better car. Their children will do better in school. And their partners will fix more things around the house. So let it go and love you and your circumstances. Think about it. The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart. And the most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children. The richest woman you know - she's got the car, the house, the clothes - might be heartbreakingly lonely. So, love you. Love who you are right now. Tell yourself, "I am too blessed to be stressed." Be blessed ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman. "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world."

My cousin’s wife posted this on her website. It speaks to me. Appearances can be deceiving. Sure the grass my look greener on the other side, it still has to be mowed.

I’ve been told, by several people, who know me, that I come across as intimidating. I intimidate people. When asked why they say that, I get the answer ‘You have such a presence about you, a quiet grace, and class. You have such a confidence about you. But once people get to know you, you’re totally approachable and laid back and comfortable to be around.’ What’s funny, is that what comes across as grace and class and inapproachability (is that even a word?) is actually insecurity and shyness and maybe a bit of fear. I prefer to stand back and watch people, get a feel of them, before jumping into a social situation with both feet. Some people have even been known to call me a stuck up bitch because I am not overtly open and over the top friendly when I first meet someone. I like to hang back, watch them interact with other people. What stems from insecurity and shyness comes across as snootiness, bitchiness, and snobbish behavior. Totally not my intention. Appearances can be deceiving. I am braver on the outside than I feel on the inside.

Sometimes that inapproachability has served me well. It makes it easy to keep undesirables at bay. Sometimes appearing to be a bitch has given me carte blanche to say things a little more bluntly and to the point than I would have normally. But I know that I am hiding behind a mask. I have a mask that a put on for the world. Just like the make-up I wear.

We just got through the holidays. My kids got a lot of cool Christmas gifts from family and friends. The finances in my house were kind of slim so Christmas wasn’t overly huge at my house. The girls tell me that their aunt and uncle on their dad’s side gave them a Leapfrog for Christmas. Fine. I’m glad they have the money to spend on my kids. They may have the money, and the newer cars, but they are living in a too-small-for-their-family 3 bedroom trailer, they fight all the time, their girls are going to be rebellions teenagers from lack of parental support/love/and attention. They live separate lives, rarely doing anything together as a family. They may be financially well off, but emotionally they are bankrupt. I’ll take emotionally rich any day of the week.

Be thankful, grateful for your blessings. Loads of laundry means you have clothes on your back. Rent/mortgage payments mean you have a roof over your head. Dishes to be washed means there is food to eat. Arguing, crying, fighting kids means you’re not alone.

I resolve this year to count my blessings, to be grateful and thankful for all that I have and all that I don’t have. I will try to look behind the mask and find the real person, and I will try to hide behind my mask less often. I will try to find happiness, true happiness in all that I do and all that I am, and will pass that lesson on to my children.

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

2006 The List

1. What did you do in 2005 that you've never done before?I sat 18 rows from the first base line at a St. Louis Cardinals game. I have never in my life sat that close to the field before.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for this year?I didn’t make any resolutions last year, so I didn’t keep them or break them. This year I resolve to be happier with myself, and a happier, healthier, better mom.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? I had 2 cousins have babies this year, but I can not say that I am particularly close to either one of them.

4. Did anyone close to you die? My ex-husband’s grandfather died, and a really good friend of my other ex-husband’s. As for me personally, I can honestly say I did not attend any funerals in 2005.

5. What countries did you visit? None, Just stayed in the USA. (I’m broke)

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? Less drama, more laughter, always more money, more sweaters and shoes,

7. What dates from 2005 will remain etched in your memory, and why? July 3rd and 4th. My 37th birthday, and the day I had my emotional breakdown. It was the catalyst I needed to get the help I needed to claim my life as my own, and to finally emotionally divorce my ex-husband, completely.
Also, Dec 8th, the day of our first real snowfall, it was the ‘ice-breaker’ I needed to start talking and flirting with Z. It was the start of something beautiful.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? I survived the year, the kids are still alive, we have a place to live, nobody is in jail. I survived the holidays alone this year, including Christmas day without any kids. No tears.

9. What was your biggest failure? I gave too much time and attention to my ex-husband at the beginning of 2005. It took me until June to finally get it and understand that he was never going to change and be the man I wanted him to be.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Just an emotional breakdown, but it was minor, just my body and mind and soul crying out for help. My youngest daughter broke her arm.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My digital camera. I have always regretted not having more pics of the kids, now I have no excuse. Also, can keep my father and brother inundated with pictures of the kids.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? My Newt, for starting school and being so brave and independent. Bo for doing so well in Jr. High that he is off of his ADD medication. Tate for discovering and exploring her inner artist.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My ex-husband, the girls’ dad. He threatened to kidnap the girls and move them out of the state so I would never see them again. A year after the divorce was final, we were back in court getting restraining orders and orders of protection against him. I won, all the way around.

14. Where did most of your money go? Living, rent, food, gas, bills.

15. What did you get really, really excited about? The St. Louis Cardinal game I went to this summer. It was awesome, and I went with a great guy (at the time)

16. What song will always remind you of 2005? Leave, Get out, by Jo-Jo. It was the ring tone on my phone for my ex. It served to remind me that it was over.

17. Compared to last year, are you happier or sadder? Happier.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Laughing, playing, going out, having fun, hanging with friends.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Obsessing over my ex, dealing with his drama, crying over ‘what should have been’ instead of accepting what was.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? With family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2005? I’m not sure yet, I may be in the process of falling, who knows.

22. How many one-night stands? None,

23. What was your favorite TV Program? Charmed on DVD, CSI (any of the 3)

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No, no new grudges. I’m not sure I hate anyone at all.

25. What was the best book you read? I’ve read so many books this year, I can’t really pick a best one.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Disney Mania for the kids, they love the series of CD’s

27. What did you want and get? Freedom, peace, and ‘I love you’ from one of my knuckleheads.

28. What was your favorite film this year? Phantom of the Opera. It’s always been a dream of mine to see the musical, if not live on stage, then the movie version worked.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 37, and went to a b-b-que with Mr. wonderful from the baseball game. He had too much to drink, decided he was going to be antisocial, and left for a while. Two hours later, when he’s supposed to come pick me up he calls and cancels, says he’s going to bed, he’s too fucked up. That disappointment along with all the disappointments I’d been through in the past year, was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It sent me over the edge. I just got tired of holding it all together and pretending things were fine when they weren’t. I spent the next morning in the hospital suffering from an emotional breakdown.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? I’m not sure, unless it would have been to find more time to hang out with my gal-pal Laci-Lu

31. What political issue stirred you the most? I try not to get too worked up over politics. That’s just something that has never interested me.

32. Who did you miss? I’m not sure. I figure people are in my life for a reason, and when that purpose has been served, they move on, move out of my life.

33. Who was the best new person you met? Any of the people I work with now. They are a good bunch of people, and I really enjoy working with them. I haven’t really met a whole lot of new people outside of work. Sad, isn’t it?

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: Sometimes staying is worse than leaving. Staying to avoid being a ‘failure’ is a failure in itself.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,
And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying.
An' he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,
To live like you were dyin'.