Thursday, January 5, 2006

Don't fall in love with me

What the hell does this mean?

We're lying in bed last night, and he tells me "Don't fall in love with me. I care a lot about you and I don't want to hurt you and I know I will. I'm not good for you. The women in my past have messed me up and I don't want to hurt you."

Now, couple that with we spent the evening unpacking his stuff from his trip, putting away clothes and food, planning dinner tonight and making plans for the weekend. And in the midst of all of this, he would occasionally stop and just look at me, and then walk over and hug me and kiss me and just sigh.

So, what do I make of all of this?

I turned to my support system, MommaKohl, and LaciBug. Here’s what they have to say about it….

I would take his word for it. He's either saying it because 1) it's really true or 2) he's manipulating you. This is not a reflection upon him as a person, it's just that what he said is either said for one or the other of those reasons (anyone saying it would have those reasons.)

He sounds as though maybe he's afraid of jumping in too fast, but he's acting like he's going to jump too fast, anyway.. Maybe that's a track record of his (and from your own words, something that you have struggled with as well.) It hints of desperation (either that he's feeling desperate, has been desperate in the past, or it could be that he's wanting to make sure that bad past experiences don't happen again.)

I would say that S-L-O-W is the way to go. Tortoise and the Hare, you know?

Maybe you could try to just focus on this second. Today. Right now. Not so much "where is this going? Is he "the one?"

If it's right and easy now - and it really is right, it will still be right and easy in 6 months.
If it's right and easy now - and it really isn't right, you'll find that out soon enough.

I know it's much easier said than done. The thing about not having hopes and expectations, however, is that you can never be disappointed - only pleasently surprised.
I don't know. The best that I can make out is that he does like you and he doesn't want to hurt you b/c he has hurt girls in the past. I don't think that in any way it means that he doesn't want to have a relationship with you or anything, just that he cares enough not to want to hurt you. I think that he does care about you and enjoys spending time with you b/c why would he spend so much time with someone if you didn't??? Besides, if he was just attempting to hook and leave you do you really think that he would be talking to you when he's with his buddies, spend time with you and the kids, wake up with you, get to know your personality that much??? I think he may not be ready for a marriage relationship but is willing to have a casual relationship with you. I really don't think that he is going to up and leave. I think he just doesn't want you to get hurt.
So, I come away with more questions than any definite answers. I wonder what he would have done/said if, when he said “Don’t fall in love with me”, I had answered with “Too late, I already have.” Do men fish for complements and play head games and word games to figure out where the other person stands? Are they as underhanded and backwards as women can be? Has he fallen in love with me and here he was hoping I would answer “Too late” so that he could be relieved to know that I am feeling the same thing he is?

I know this, I feel loved when we’re together. We have a beautifully choreographed ballet routine of life. I’m as comfortable at his place as I am at mine. We both give and take. The everyday things of life are fun and easy because we’re together. We cook dinner together, we do dishes together, we unpack his luggage together, we pick up my kids from the sitter together, rent movies together. Even in the mornings when I sleep over, we are wonderfully choreographed in our morning routine. He makes the coffee, I know how much cream and sugar he wants in his. He watches the news drinking coffee, smoking a cigarette, while I curl my hair and put on my make-up, we chat about the news, the weather, work, plans for that day, that week. The ease and comfort of being together in the most ordinary everyday situations is a greater intimacy than I’ve ever had with anyone else.

He looked into my eyes last night, right before he kissed me and I felt as if he was looking directly into my heart and soul and I was looking into his. It was the most clear, soulful, intense, intimate look I’ve ever shared. I was lost.

The truth is, if I go looking for the tarnish on the gold coin, I’m sure to find it and ruin what could be something very special and very beautiful. If I look for the flaws I’m sure to find them. If I just accept them as character, then they will add to the beauty. I can over think this and ruin something very special.

Even a diamond, with all its beauty and shine and sparkle has flaws if you look close enough and hard enough. In the overall grand scheme big picture of it all, it’s the beauty and sparkle and shine people notice. I want to sparkle for a while.

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