I had a dream

I had a dream Sunday night, (I’m sure I had several, but this one stands out).  I’ve been mulling it over in my head, and thought I’d write about it.

For whatever reason (and do you really need a logical reason in dreams?) Newt and I were getting ready to go on vacay with, of all people, her father’s family.  Uncle J, Aunt K, even G’ma J were there, ready to go with.  And, of course, him. The ex.  Newt’s father.

Newt was all excited.  I was still confused as to why I was going on vacay with these people with just Newt and not Tate.  K was excited I was getting the opportunity to go with.  Hell, for reasons unknown to me (again, with the reasons, don’t need ‘em in dreams) my mother was excited for me and she HATES with a passion my ex.

In this dream, I had an envelope.  In this envelope I had two newspaper clippings and $19.  I sat this envelope down (I know, stupid mistake.   But who knew?)  and when I came back for it, J is holding the envelope and the clippings but the money is gone.  Being honest as the day is long, J tells me that EH (ex husband) took the money.  So, thus begins the arguing, the begging, the pleading, the yelling, the screaming all over $19 which he has no reason (again, meaningless, pointless reasons) to keep, has no need for it.  Just wants it to prove to me that once again he wins and I am powerless to get him to do what I want.

I am thrown back into my life with him.  Even though I was older, and smarter than he ever was, I was always powerless in that relationship.  He held all the cards, all the power.  I was always jumping through hoops for him, doing his bidding, whatever it would take to make him happy, keep the peace. I would often let go and give up my hopes, my dreams, my wants, wishes, needs, and desires.  He gave up nothing.  I gave up everything.  

The only times I have ever had power was when we had to go to court.  My quiet unassuming, play by the rules, don’t make waves, demeanor won me many a court battle.  In his need to prove he was better, stronger, more powerful, and right while I was wrong, he would puff up and pound on his chest like a gorilla.  He would yell, argue, and call me names, belittle me hoping to make me look small and insignificant in the eyes of the court.  It only served to make him look foolish and insecure, and powerless and cost him court battles.

I woke up from that dream with the residue of his control still lingering in my mind. I realized it was a dream, the kids were safe, he was no longer a threat, I have my power, and I know now how to keep it.  He will never have power and control over me again.  As the fog and mist of the dream faded, so did the residue of the ex.  I gathered my strength and relaxed in the knowledge he can’t hurt me any more.

I looked beside me to see Z sleeping peacefully. As soon as I moved, he reached for me, pulled me close, kissed my cheek, “You ok Baby?”

I am now.