Friday, January 13, 2006

I am still learning

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts.

And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With the grace of God, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
And after a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure ...

That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn ...
And with every goodbye, you learn.

It’s ironic, actually. I was surfing the web one day in the midst of my divorce and I found the above poem, quote, whatever you want to call it. It touched me, it meant something to me. It gave me hope and a voice inside me said ‘You’re on the right path.’ I sent an email to my sister when I found it, and she told me she had found it during her divorce too and it had helped her.

Today I need it. I need it to remind me that there is hope, don’t give up just yet. Presents are not promises, kisses aren’t contracts, company does not mean security. There were no promises made for any tomorrows, a night together did not guarantee a future together. We were building a friendship, not a life.

I know the difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. My soul was chained for far too long. I need to remember that, and not hold on so tightly. Sometimes the best way to keep something is to let it go, hold it with an open hand, and open mind, open arms and an open heart. Even baby chicks die if you hold them too tightly.

I will come out of this ok, stronger than before. I will endure, I am strong, and I know that I have worth. I believe in that worth now. With every good-bye you learn. I am still learning.

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