Tuesday, January 17, 2006

The Recurring Theme of my life these days

My cousin’s wife, M wrote the following on her website yesterday.

I suppose the main thing is to know in my OWN heart what is felt and what is real....not so much what another person can give back to me

The thing is, I am not, will not, stop feeling what I’m feeling for him. Feelings are never wrong, and you should allow yourself to feel them, experience them fully. Don’t deny them, don’t stifle them. What I feel is real. It’s not about what he can give back to me. But I won’t deny my feelings, because they are not wrong. He did not set out to make me love him. Just him being him touched me in a way I can’t explain.

There’s a line in ‘Little Black Book’ when Stacy (played by Britney Murphy) tells her boyfriend “If we shared our lives together, shouldn’t we have at least shared our lives?” Z had told me before about the photo albums, telling me they were full of pictures, but not to get into them, they were full of his ex. I told him ‘Hey, everyone has a past. You’re entitled to have a life. I know you had a life before me. It makes you who you are today.” Then this weekend, he shared them with me. Told me stories, shared his life, shared his history, his past with me. He let me into a place he didn’t want me to go before. He opened up too. How could I could keep my heart closed off when he has opened himself up so much?

I can’t make him feel what I want him to feel. His feelings are as real and as right for him as mine are for me. I have to find it in myself to accept that. Plain and simple. It’s a matter of letting go of control and accepting life as it is. Another question I need to ask myself, am I 'in love' with him, or am I 'in love' with being part of a couple, in love with being in love? Am I really in love at all?

Seems to me that the universe is trying it’s damnedest to get this message through to me, because everywhere I turn, no matter what I read, there is the same message, the same recurring theme. Maybe it’s time to open my eyes, pull my head out of my ass and pay attention. Let go, stop trying to control things, let things happen on their own time, in their own way.

My sister is reading a book she talks about on her blog. Part of the review of the book says the following:
Kasl blends Buddhism with mind-body approaches to focus energy and move beyondthe overthinking mind to a connection with our emotional body. Whether or notyou are familiar with Buddhism this lively book on the art of flowing with life,despite the waves of ups and down, are filled with simple techniques to stayclear of chatter and familiar emotional responses.

There is my problem. I am stuck in my “overthinking mind” and totally ignoring my “emotional body”. I need to find “the art of flowing with life despite the waves of ups and downs”. (Didn’t I say my sister is wise beyond her years? God I love her!)

So, letting go, Let it be. New themes in my life. My therapy sessions this summer taught me how to do this. Dr. P gave me the techniques I would need to do this, I did it wonderfully this summer with my ex. Now, I just need to learn how to apply it to my life. I can let it go.

When Z doesn’t call right after work, or doesn’t call at all, I need to remember not to panic, it doesn’t mean anything. I need to stop reacting to the fact that he’s not acting they way I want him to. If we don’t get to chat at work until 3:30, it doesn’t mean he’s mad at me, it means he’s busy, or I’m busy. He doesn’t have to check in with me every day. Yes, he did call me every day for the longest time, but things have picked up at work, and it’s crazy insane. We’re not married, we’re not joined at the hip, we’re just getting started. Relax.

Sorry, little pep talk to myself.

Ok Universe, I hear you. I get the message. I see the theme. I get it. Now I’m going to make every effort to put it all into motion and make it work.

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