Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I hate this about me

I don’t want to remember how sweet it was in the beginning, and yet, I don’t want to forget.

Yesterday was an incredibly busy day for him, and therefore I didn’t get to talk to him much.  Today doesn’t seem to be much better, but already he’s found a few minutes to message me to say Hi.  I guess that’s something.

Things have been so wonderful between us, but I can’t get his “Don’t fall in love with me” out of my head.  I am constantly guarding my heart.  I’ll be the first to admit that I am like shop-vac when it comes to reading men.  I suck at it.  Plus, add to that mixture my own insecurities and thirst for affection, and it’s just muck.  So, I’m always on edge, inside, knowing I already care too much, afraid I’ll let that show and lose him, afraid he’ll find some little bitty microscopic reason to leave.  Never really sure where things stand, what he’s feeling, never fully comfortable in ‘us’, not even sure there is an ‘us’.

Then I remember back to all the phone calls while he was gone, all the nights we’ve spent together which out-number the nights we’ve spent apart, and I cling, desperately to any sign, no matter how small, that he cares, that ‘we’ are fine.

I hate this.  I hate how destructive I can be.  I hate that I know this and yet seem powerless to change it.  I hate that I’m never really sure of anything until it’s all over and then I’m sure of one thing. It’s over and I’m alone.  

I’m pretty sure we’re not there yet.

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