Letting Go

Question: How does a girl who falls, no actually jumps eyes wide open, down a rabbit hole, plummeting into chaos come out unchanged? Answer: She doesn't.

I have spent way too much time and energy trying to find love.  Probably, a truer statement would be I’ve spent way too much time and energy trying to make love, create love, out of something a lot less than love.  

Instead of just enjoying the moment, the here and now, I pick and probe and analyze, and tear apart, every word said, every touch, every look, every gesture.  I pick at whatever relationship I’m in, much like a scab, until it’s opened and bleeding again, instead of coming together and healing.  I look for hidden meanings where there are none.  I weigh and measure everything ‘Did he mean this, or did he mean that?’  

Why is it that I can’t just be happy with the way things are?  Why do I have to go looking for trouble?  I am so desperate to find something that can’t really be found.  It’s a choice two people make, day in and day out.  It’s not something that you can pick up and just have one day.  It takes time, it takes work.  

Finally, this weekend, I relaxed, I enjoyed, I didn’t worry about tomorrow, I let today take care of itself.  And I had a wonderful weekend.  We spent the entire weekend together.  I showed up at his place Friday night and went home Sunday night.  We cooked together, cleaned the apartment together, worked on his report together, went shopping together.  Then, last night, he cooked me a steak dinner.  Put a jazz cd in the cd player, turned the lights down low, poured the wine and served dinner.  We ate and talked and laughed and it was terribly fun, terribly romantic and it touched my heart that he was trying so hard.  

We talked about his life with JC, why they broke up.  We talked about his plans for his life, what he would do with 35 million dollars.  We not only shared our lives together, we shared our lives.  We clicked, we connected, we meshed, we became a couple.  He even said ‘I love you’ but he was asleep when he said it, so I don’t believe it was a true I love you.  But it was a start.

I’m learning to let go, to be less uptight, less stressed, less worried and fearful of the future.  He may not be The One, but how will I know if I don’t let things just be, and just happen?  How will I know for sure if I am always trying to manipulate the situation to get the outcome I want?

I’ve been trying so hard to drive my life down a certain path, and make sure everyone around me follows suit.  Life is not something to be controlled.  I’m just along for the ride, and when I let go, and life happen, it’s amazing what happens.  You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong.