Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Leave - Get Out- A step in the right direction

I've been waiting all day here for you babe So won't you come sit and talk to me And tell me how we're gonna be together always I hope you know that when it's late at night I hold on to my pillow tight And think of how you promised me forever (I never thought that anyone) Could make me feel this way (Now that you're here boy all I want) Is just a chance to say

Get out (leave) right now It's the end of you and me It's too late (now) and I can't wait for you to be gone 'Cause I know, about her (who) And I wonder (why) How I bought all the lies You said that you would treat me right But you was just a waste of time (waste of time)

Tell me why you're looking so confused When I'm the one who didn't know the truth How could you ever be so cold? To go behind my back and call my friend Boy you must've gone and bumped your head Because you left her number on your phone (So now after all is said and done) Maybe I'm the one to blame, but (To think that you could be the one) Well it didn't work out that way

I wanted you right here with me But I have no choice, you've gotta leave Because my heart is breaking With every word I'm sayingBoy, I gave up everything I had On something that just wouldn't last But I refuse to cry No tears will fall from these eyes (ohh, ohh)
Get out!

Leave (Get out) by JoJo, is my ring-tone when the girls’ dad calls.  It just seems so fitting.  It empowers me, and reminds me why we’re not together.   The story/message behind the story reminds me that he lied to me, to her.  He cheated us out of a real chance at happiness.  He chose his girlfriend over his family, his daughters.  He asked me once, “What can you give me that she can’t?”   Simple. Your family, every night, every day, no questions, your real family all the time.  And yet it wasn’t enough.  I wasn’t enough, 10 years of my life and two daughters was not enough.  

I know that now.  I know that not just in my head, but in my heart and my soul.  I know it to the very core of my being.  He’s gone out of my life.

That being said, when I found out he moved the heifer in with him, I got pissed off.  Not because I want him (I don’t) not because I love him (I don’t) but I still was mad and wanted her out.  I wanted to control his life.  I don’t want him, but I don’t want anyone to end up with him, or him to end up with anyone else.  If he can’t be happy with me, he shouldn’t be happy at all.  It’s a matter of control.  It’s an illusion.  

Once I realized all of that, I let it all go.  I let go of the anger, I let go of the need to control.  I have moved on, I have closed my heart to  him, so it doesn’t matter to me.

It was hard to let go.  The urge to beg, plead, plot, manipulate and get him back, not so much back, but away from her, was instinctive.  I had to change my behavior, my thought process and my actions.  It was a conscious choice, and I made it and I acted on it and I’ve once again let go, and moved on.  

It’s a step in the right direction.  The journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step.

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