Monday, January 23, 2006

Not my secret now

As I have said before, PostSecret is my Monday morning addiction. I love to read everyone’s secrets. I hurt for them, and I pray for them, Please let them find some sort of peace now that the secret has been shared.

I haven’t yet sent my secret in. I haven’t found the courage. Still too afraid my family and friends would know it was me and not sure I’m ready to face their reactions. So, I continue to keep it. Someday……

Anyway, this secret posted today, grabbed my heart. I could have been mine, (it’s not) but I’ve done this. I build walls, I create drama to test the people in my life. Do they love me enough to help me, to break down my walls? When I am not getting what I want, I pull away, build the walls, and dare them to try and get in. It’s a childish way to control and manipulate people. It's a childish ploy to get attention. Even negative attention is attention. I am aware of it now, and I fight the urge to do it. I am working on changing things, my behaviors, my expectations, my reactions, my actions.

To everyone I’ve controlled and manipulated this way, I am sorry. There is no excuse for it. I am acting from childish insecurities and it’s time to put them away. It’s time to grow up, stop the games.

It was not the secret I would have sent in, but apparently it was my secret. Now, it’s not.

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