Friday, January 13, 2006

I don't know the rules. I give up

Another sad day.  Another good bye.  I guess I’m just going to give up on dating, on men, on hope of finding someone to share even a small portion of my life with.  I do this to myself.  I always build it up to so much more than it is.  I always open myself up too much too soon and I put it all out there and get hurt.  I don’t know the rules of casual dating, I don’t know the rules of casual anything.  

So, excuse me while I go crawl into my little hole, hide away from the rest of the world and become a hermit.  To avoid opening myself up again and getting my heart trampled on, I’m just going to quietly close and lock the door and walk off into the sunset.  I’m just going to quietly give up.  I am done.  I’ve hurt long enough, I can’t play the game, I don’t know the rules and it hurts too much when I lose and frankly I always lose.

I’m done.  I know now that I chose to love too much, and I chose to love people who don’t/can’t/won’t love me back.  I’m tired of guessing what are the rules, what is acceptable, what is too much, what is not enough.  I can’t play the game if I don’t know the rules, and I’ll admit, I don’t know the rules.

No comments: