Pick up the sword, yet again

I don’t know where to begin, other than to say, I just don’t think I have it in me to fight any more, and yet, I know the repercussions are worse if I don’t fight. So, even though I’m exhausted and battle weary, and emotionally drained, and pushed to my outer limits, I will once again, pick up the sword, and face the dragons that continue to come at me. I will slay them one by one, until they all lay dead at my feet. Then, and only then, can I lay down my sword and myself beside it, and rest.

The details of last night are completely unimportant, in the grand scheme of things. Bo did something, completely unprovoked, to his sister. And it opened my eyes to just how hurt my son is. He’s angry, he’s hurt, he’s depressed, and while I can not lay the blame for that on his father, and The Slug, I refuse to shoulder the responsibility for it alone.

I don’t know what makes me sadder. The fact that my son is desperately crying out for help, and I know he needs it, and believe me I am all about getting him all the help he needs. Or the fact that last night, when I needed help and support, I got none.

I called my mother and told her what was going on. She is somewhere in Egypt, floating down a long winding river, because she totally blew the whole thing off. She’s so far in denial about how serious this is, I was just flabbergasted. She has always been the one harping to me about how angry and hurt Bo is, and now that I realize it, and could have used some help, support and understanding last night; she poo-poo’d the whole situation away as if it was just Ian being overly dramatic.

So, I called his father, hoping we could finally come together for the good and help for our son. Wrong again. I am trying to find a way to do what is best for our son. Setting aside all of my issues with his father, and doing what’s best for Bo. He refuses to discuss it. This motion to modify isn’t about what’s best for Bo at all; it’s just his way of punishing me for falling in love with Batman. Even now, when Batman is out of the picture, he still feels the need to punish me, in every conceivable way. He won’t set aside any of this and discuss what we need to be doing for our son.

I believe it would do Bo some good to live with his father for a while, even if we only do a 30 day trial run. He’s 13, he’s going through a lot at that age, and being around girls all the time is not helpful. He needs a man. Never mind that I had one in our life, and things were wonderful. Batman was great with Bo, made him feel good about himself. Talked to him about everything, was a great friend, and a great role model. Never mind that the drama caused by Bo’s father was part (not all, but a part) of the reason Batman needed to take some time and space, and has effectively chased the best male role model Bo’s had in his life, completely out of his life. And my best role model, I mean the best ‘pseudo step father’ Bo has had. Yes, Bo has a great Uncle, actually 2 terrific Uncles, but they are not there day to day, not like Batman was.

My son needs help. He’s crying out for help. He’s hurt, he’s angry, he’s defeated, he’s almost destroyed. I don’t know how he got here, but I see that he is. I can’t fix this alone, I can’t protect him. But I can try to get him help. The problem is, I will have to fight with is dad to do that. I can not do it alone, and his dad refuses to work with me to do what’s best for our child.

And so, even though I am battle weary, and tired, I again, pick up my sword and fight the injustice of my life, for the good of my children. Someday I hope to have the life we all deserve. The happiness I hope we can achieve. The happiness I know we all deserve.