Monday, November 13, 2006

Step by by day..

I did lunch two days last week, with friends of mine. It was just lunch. Just friends. Yes, they were of the male persuasion. There was nothing romantic going on, nothing beyond friends.

But it was an eye opener. I left both lunches, and cried. Broke down and cried. Cried because I can’t do this. I can’t even be at lunch with a male friend because it’s just not Batman. I’m not ready to do this, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to do this. I don’t want to do this.

I told him (Batman) that I would never love anyone else but him. He was IT. There would be no one in my life after him. I would never love another, I would never date another, I would never sleep with another. Him or no one at all.

At the time he may have thought I was joking, and it may have sounded drastic and dramatic, but it was the truth, as I felt it, as I know it. I didn’t realize just how true it was until this past week, but now I know. There really will be no one else for me.

I knew that all along. I knew Batman was The One. I was so sure of it, that I burned every bridge I’d ever kept before. I told all the Knucklehead’s that I had met the man I was born to love. I walked away from all of them. I stopped calling them, stopped meeting them for drinks, stopped discussing the races with them. I cut all ties, burned all bridges. And never looked back, never regretted it. KNEW in my heart and soul, it was the right thing to do. Even now, in the midst of whatever this mess is we’re in, I can’t/won’t reach out to the Knucklehead’s. I don’t want them. I don’t want anyone. Except Batman.

Saturday was the worst day so far. Everything set me off. Not just tears threatening to spill, but gut wracking, soul emptying, crying. Crawl into bed and hide from the rest of the world. Breath and thought took too much effort. Nothing could distract me. Even my kids, god love them, with their hugs and kisses and attempts to understand, couldn’t help. And the guilt I felt for letting them see my grief, made everything so much worse.

One of the Knucklehead’s did call me last week, to see how I’m doing. I told him that my world had effectively fallen apart. His response? “So, your world fell apart, but you didn’t, did you? That is improvement, that is progress.” Yes, my world fell apart, but I didn’t. I may have crumbled, for a while, and at times, but I didn’t fall apart. I kept it together, I have weathered through it, and I continue on my path. Some days are harder than others, and some times take more effort than I think I can muster, but some how I manage.

I hurt. I miss him. I have a void in my life, and in my heart that he left behind. I love him still. I am waiting, and hoping, and still believing that in time, things will work out. In the end it will be OK. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end. And right now, it’s not ok, so it’s not the end.

A day at a time, a step at a time, whatever I can handle. Some days are easier than others, but I get through them all. Some days I look better at the end of the day than other days. Some days I’m still standing at the end. Some days I’m on my knees. Either way, I’m still breathing, and still hoping and still keepin’ on. The best that I can. The only way I know how, step by step.

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