Tuesday, November 14, 2006

He comes to me in my dreams

He comes to me in my dreams. He tells me that he loved me, and he might love me again, but for now, he just needs time. He tells me that he still cares, but can’t put into words what he needs to say. He tells me that right now he can’t but won’t say never again. He says ‘Not right now, but maybe someday in the future. I just don’t know.’ He tells me he’s being honest, and I know he is. He doesn’t lie. He tells me the truth, as he knows it. He can not promise me anything, but will not rule out anything either. I try to listen with my heart, but the emptiness and pain get in the way.

Some times in my dreams, I can touch him. But only his physical self, not the emotional. His body is available, but not his heart. That is still guarded and protected and still off limits. I can see it in his eyes, but I can’t reach it. Like looking at it through a plate glass window. I see the love that was there, but has been set aside. I know it’s not gone, it’s just guarded now.

We talk, but it’s empty. We look for things to talk about, but there is this awkward pink elephant sitting between us, that we can’t seem to ignore, or get past. Things are not the same. Every now and then, the guard slips, the walls drop, and I can see into his heart. There is love there but they are just embers of a fire that is dying. There is hurt too. The love gives me hope. The hurt kills me, knowing I’m responsible for it. I can’t take it away, no matter what I do.

He comes to me in my dreams, but he’s no longer the man he used to be. I have changed him. I have hurt him, and that does not easily go away. We don’t know how to walk away from each other, and we can’t be together, not the way we used to be. We are trapped in between here and there, between dreams and awake.

He comes to me in my dreams. He offers me nothing more than he can give. He is honest and upfront about what that is, and what it isn’t. He gives me his time, his friendship, a warm embrace, sometimes a tender kiss, but not often. His voice on the phone still calms me, grounds me, centers me. He is still home to me, my rock, my calm, my safe harbor. That is asking a lot of him, but truly, his voice, his friendship, are enough for now. He’s my logic and my reason. There are memories of better times, happier times. There is also hope for someday, fleeting as it is. I accept only what he can give, and know better than to ask for more. Only time will tell what is in store for us. There is comfort in his friendship, there is sadness at what has been lost.

He comes to me in my dreams. I wait for him there. It is enough for now.

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