Sunday, November 26, 2006

My Truth

I am writing this and posting it here, because I need to think it through, and maybe come clean about some things. But I am afraid to admit this to you, my friends, and especially to myself, but more afraid to admit it to Batman. I know that posting this here is safe, Batman avoids this blog (along with the personal blog I made for him) like the plague.

Something happened last week, Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, that pissed Batman off. Royally. He’s shut me out, closed the door, refuses to talk to me, refuses to answer his phone, every thing. The details are irrelevant. I hold on to the fact that I didn’t do what he thinks I did, but apparently the truth is completely irrelevant to him at this point. And here’s another admission that I will NEVER let get back to Batman. The fact that he has tried and convicted me, found me guilty, and is completely and totally uninterested in the truth and the proof I have to prove what I say is true, is classic Slug behavior. The Slug would find me guilty of all sorts of imagined crimes and infractions, and then demand that I prove otherwise. The problem with that was, nothing I did to prove my innocence was good enough. He wasn’t interested in the truth, he already had the truth in his head. Batman is doing the same thing. Exactly.

That pisses me off too. For someone who claimed all along that The Slug was exactly that, The Slug, a worthless piece of shit who never deserved me, or to the father to my daughters, who had serious malfunctions in his brain because he treated us like shit, B is acting just like him. B could never understand how The Slug could treat me the way he did. B could never fathom how The Slug could be the callous asshole that he was, and now, it turns out that B is acting just like The Slug.

It hurts that he can just turn his back, shut me out and ignore me. It hurts that he can be completely indifferent to me. It feels like he doesn’t care any more, and that may be true, but it also feels as if he may never have cared at all. After all, how can you do this to someone you claimed to love as much as he claimed to love me?

I’m hurt, yes, and I’m pissed. And that is what’s the hardest to admit. Admitting that I’m pissed off at him, mad at what he’s doing, that’s the hardest part. Admitting that I’m pissed that there is no reasoning with him, that there is no getting him through to him.

I know that being mad, being pissed, being hurt, none of those things have to take away from me loving him. I can be mad at him and still love him. The question is, do I still love him? Or am I just hanging on to something that no longer exists now because I’m afraid to let it go and admit that it’s all over and I was wrong all along, yet again?

And if I was wrong, or better yet, because I was wrong, I will never step up to the plate and play the game again. I will walk away from love this time, and never come close to it again. I KNEW, damn it I still KNOW in my heart and soul, that we were meant to be together. He knew it too. He believed it too.

I don’t know how to let go, I don’t know how to give up, I don’t know how to stop loving him, even when it’s apparent now, that he doesn’t love me. And it hurts that his behavior now is even making me question his feelings for me since August. If I question his feelings, then I have to question mine, and I question everything, EVERYTHING we said and did, planned, hoped, dreamed, talked about, felt. EVERYTHING.

I don’t want to give up, I don’t want to walk away, I don’t want to turn my back, I don’t want to believe this is it, that there is nothing else. I don’t want to believe that I could once again be wrong, and that this time I could be THIS FUCKING WRONG!!! Everything was right, everything was exactly what I wanted and hoped for and dreamed of. There was never a deal breaker, never any reason to question anything. Until now.

I don’t want to be here and now. I want to go back, to when he loved me, when I knew, when he knew. When it was right, when everything was right. I don’t want to be here, not now, not ever. I don’t want to face tonight, I don’t want to face tomorrow, I don’t want to face anymore without him.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You're in a hard place right now but just know that you will move through it and it will be behind you soon. Hang in there!