Friday, May 19, 2006

It is what it is

My sister and I don’t always see eye to eye on things.  In fact, we are almost as different as two sisters can be. Sometimes those differences get in our way.  But the glory of being sisters is we are allowed the freedom to voice our own opinions, get angry with each other, and yet know that no matter how awful it gets we still love each other, even if we don’t like each other.

The other glory of being sisters is that when I need honesty, when I need truth, raw truth, when I need an objective opinion, she is the one person I can go to who will give it to me.  I may not always like her, but I always respect her, and trust her, and value her opinion.  I love her and I need her to keep me grounded and to occasionally pull my head out of my ass for me, since I tend to get it very seriously stuck up there quite often.  She is also my biggest cheerleader, when I’m on the right track she is there encouraging me, supporting me, pushing me to keep going.  

About a month ago, we had a phone conversation after we had both been drinking.  Those are always fun, because our sensors are either turned way down, or completely off, and everything is fair game.  The thing with her is, when she drinks she sometimes gets really deep and brilliant.  She always thinks she is when she’s drinking, sometimes she’s right.  Anyway, during this conversation she passed on this little gem of wisdom.  “It is what it is.  Nothing more, nothing less.”  Simple, to the point, and very poignant, and absolutely true.

It has stuck with me, and I have applied it to my relationship with Boo.  It was what it was, nothing more, nothing less, and it wasn’t what I wanted it to be, or what I wanted people to believe it was.  No matter how much I wished it, no matter how much I pretended, I couldn’t make it something it wasn’t.  It was what it was.  And it was so much less than I deserve.

It wasn’t, however, a mistake.  Going through this, has actually been the catalyst for me to be very honest with myself.  For some reason, the end of us has somehow forced me to take an honest look at the part I played in the drama and has allowed me to be very honest with myself about a lot of things.  I don’t know why, or what it was about this that was different, but because of the outcome, I can’t say that ‘we’ were a mistake.  I have grown and learned so much, so many truths about myself from this.

Sis and I have been talking today too, about my Truths post.  
Lil Sis: “Read your blog.  Good for you for seeing that.  I think that's going to be huge in your growth - you're finally able to admit your own hand in your reality.  Tis a big step!”  

Big Sis: I don't know, but this time it all seems easier.  Easier to accept the part I played, not just in the end, but in the deception.  I lied to a lot of people, by omitting part of the truth, the ugly part of the truth, but I lied to myself too.  I allowed people to draw incorrect conclusions because those conclusions were the reality that I wanted, but knew would never be mine, at least not with him.

The thing is now, I'm not looking for 'the next one', and I’m not prowling for the next man.  I really am comfortable in my own skin alone right now. Being at home, alone on nights that the kids are gone, doesn't bother me any more.  It's really kind of freeing to admit these truths, to myself, to you, now, maybe I need to admit them to him.

Lil Sis: Do you honestly feel you need to admit anything to him?  Don't you think he already knows?  I mean, Becky, to be honest, these are truths that were mostly hidden from you - many of us could see that it wasn't exactly as you made it sound.

It's good that you're not searching for another man.  It seems to me, (and I know this is unsolicited, so please forgive me if I cross the line,) that you were searching for something in yourself -but you were trying to find it in a man.  Now that you've chosen to search for your truth inside yourself, men don't fill the same role.

These are hugely positive steps, Becky.  When I stopped looking for a guy to complete me and I decided to complete myself, Brian came into my life shortly after I figured it out.

She’s honest, she’s right, and she always offers support, encouragement and hope.  She is my Jiminy Cricket, she is my North Star, she’s not only my sister, she’s my friend, and I’m very lucky indeed.

Then, on top of that, my horoscope for today tells me The stars want you to be as brilliant and original as only you can be. Go ahead and listen to your instincts -- they'll point you in the right direction. Have some faith: What you want for yourself is what the universe wants too.

Listen to my instincts, they will lead me in the right direction.  My instincts tell me He’s right, he has always been right.  He cares about me, and knows that I had (Have?) feelings for him that he couldn’t return.  Dragging this out longer would only hurt me more in then end, and the end was always inevitable.  He cares enough about me to end it now, hurt me a little (a lot) now, instead of playing this out, and hurting me much more in the future.  This way, maybe, we can find a way to maintain a friendship without someone’s (ok, mine) heart getting broken again and again.

My instincts tell me that I should just relax, enjoy my life, I’ve fought long and hard to find the peace and happiness I have right now.  I have just started to find and appreciate myself, there’s no need to rush out and find someone else to bring into my life.  Have faith, when the time is right, and I’m ready, and the stars and planets align, the right person will come into my life, and I’ll know it. I’ll know it and be ready for it.

I used to think “I hope, but no longer believe I will find the right person for me to love. Even if I do find them, I’m sure I’ll just screw it all up and lose them anyway.”  Now, I just accept if it’s meant to happen, it will happen in it’s own time, when it’s right and when it’s meant to be.  

My life: It is what it is, nothing more, nothing less.  And, it’s mine.

1 comment:

Melissa Mullinax said...

I am literally standing up at my computer giving you a standing ovation. You Go Girl!!! I'm so proud of you.