Sunday, May 14, 2006

I've made a decision

I've made a decision today, it's one I've toyed with in the past, but now, I've decided this is the best course of action for me, and I'm sticking to it. I've decided I'm giving up on love, and on men. I've decided I'm just going to be single and alone for the rest of my life. It's so much easier and less painful that way. Look at my track record. I always fall for men who can't/won't/don't love me and I end up giving my heart away only to have it handed back to me a mangled, bloody mess. I don't want to hurt like this any more. I don't ever want to feel rejection like this ever again. I don't want to feel the emptiness, the ache, the heartbreak, the tears, the hopelessness ever again. The only way to avoid all of this pain and misery and agony is to avoid men, love, relationships, the only way is to stay single and alone. Forever. I had to go to his house today to get a pair of shoes I left there. I hadn't been there in a week (and you could tell it, it was a mess) but walking through that empty house, seeing him every where I looked, memories of us around every corner, in every room, ghosts of better, happier times haunting me hurt way too too much. The weight I thought was gone, settled back around my heart again and I couldn't breathe. I wanted to fall crumpled into a pile and cry till my eyes, my heart, and my soul were empty. I wanted to cry for what we were, and for what we could have been if he had just given us the chance.

I am not going to go through this again. I will not suffer the hurt and the rejection, the pain, the emptiness, the loneliness, the tears the heartache ever again. I am done with love. I no longer believe or even hope to someday find someone who will love me and whom I can love. I don't believe it exists for me. I don't think there's any one out there for me. I'm not sure I deserve it anyway. Maybe this is what I deserve, to be alone. It's so much easier this way.

I loved him, even when he told me not to, and true to his word, he broke my heart. At least he was honest, I have to give him that. I'll never go through that again. I'll never put my heart out there for anyone ever again. I'll never open myself up and let anyone in again. I can't stand the pain that comes with it. I can't live like this any more. I don't want to. Not anymore. Love happens for other people, not for me, never for me.

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