Truths

It’s been a week of truths for me.  I got really honest with myself this week, about the part I played in the drama between Boo and I last week.  But I think I may have only admitted half of the truth.

The whole truth is, I knew the score, going in to it.  I knew that he would never love me; I knew that he didn’t want a serious relationship.  I knew that he would never give me what I wanted.  But when telling people about our relationship, I edited details for content.  I always kept it to myself that it was just a casual sex thing between us.  I edited for content, and allowed people to draw their own conclusions, and then didn’t correct them, I went with it.  I told them half of the story, and based on my half truths, they formed incorrect conclusions, which were closer to what I wanted our relationship to be than the reality was.

He could have been the best I’ve ever had, if it had been real, but it wasn’t.  So, in reality, he really wasn’t any better than anyone else I’ve ever been with.  Yes, he was smarter, more responsible, possibly (Ok definitely) richer, and therefore people thought I’d finally found a good one.  He wasn’t.  Oh, that’s not to say he wasn’t a great guy, it wasn’t a good relationship.  It wasn’t much of a relationship at all.

So, for 5 months, I’ve been building up the image of a wonderful relationship, but it was all smoke and mirrors.  I created an illusion out of half truths and perceptions based on those half truths until I had this wonderful loving happy relationship with great potential. All made out of fluff and stuff.

While I’m on the subject of truths, I might as well spill another one.  Boo has me completely bumfuzzled.  In my dating life, there have been very few guys who I haven’t been able to charm and flirt with to get my way.  OK, I’m not proud of it.  It’s really shallow and it reeks of low self esteem and its trashy behavior.  I am not proud of it.  I am trying to change it.  Boo is a different story.  He has incredible willpower and resolve.  He’s made a decision and he’s sticking to it. I’m not able to change his mind, no matter what I say or do.  I have even made excuses for him, (the only contact we have is at work, so it’s easy to turn me down, walk away, and stand his ground.   Or, his mom is not only in town, but is staying at his house this week and that means he has no free time.  He has company every night, so his life is not his own right now) and I’ve even blamed myself (maybe I’m defective and my charm doesn’t work any more).  The truth of this whole situation is, I tried harder than I should have (I shouldn’t have tried at all) to change his mind, and I’m secretly glad he didn’t.  Because he stood his ground there were no mixed signals, no going back and forth, it made it easier to get over it, and move on.  He not only made his decision, he made himself scarce for a day or two just to be sure there was no confusion.  

I met a friend of mine last night for a couple of beers.  He knows the score, he knows the story of Boo.  And after talking for a while he looked at me, and told me that he was impressed with how much I’ve grown and changed in 2 years since my divorce.  This break up didn’t have me nearly as broken up as others have in the past.  The haunted hurt look was not there in my eyes.  They were bright and clear and I looked genuinely happy.  He was impressed with how healthy I seem to be.  When I looked at myself through his eyes, I see that he was right.  Yes, the culmination of my ‘relationship’ with Boo was painful, and I cried, for 1 day.  I had already accepted the truth of the situation and had moved on and started getting over it.  But what was a bigger truth, I had just had a relationship end, but I was not desperate to find the next one, I was not looking for or thinking about who’s next.  I was/am fine with being alone right now.  I am more comfortable in my skin, alone, than I ever have been in my life.  I take that as a sign of growing up.  And the fact that that doesn’t scare me like it used to is another sign of growing up.