Thursday, June 1, 2006

I'm healing, slowly but surely

I don't know, but somehow things are different this time. I think I may have actually learned some lessons from the past. It was very healing to go home to Ks even if only for the weekend. I could totally relax and be me and not have him or the drama or the confusion or the pain to contend with. It was like when I left Jeff city, I left him and all the residue of him behind. I somehow got a chance to heal. Not just me, but I worked hard on healing some old wounds and broken bridges with family.

When I shut Dad out for so long, I shut out his family too, not because I was mad at them, I just didn't want to drag them into the middle of our drama and didn't want them to feel as if they had to chose sides, so I just stayed away, and kept them out of things. I had to go make things right with them again, whether they realized it or not, I needed to reconnect with them and heal that emptiness in me.

It was hard to walk away from him last night. Especially when he held me in his arms, kissed me and whispered "Babe, please stay. I want you too." I had wanted to hear those words for so long now, and there they were. But I knew staying would be a lie. I would feel loved without being loved.

The only reason I went to his house at all, was because I was hoping against all odds that he thought things through and he wanted to try a real relationship. I was hoping he would tell me he missed me and wanted to try dating, really dating. I know, stupid foolish hope, but what can I say? I knew he wouldn't, but I hoped anyway.

And when it wasn't there, when he didn't come through for me, I couldn't stay. It would only drag me back down and under again, after I had fought so hard to get out from there. I was proud and I was shattered all at the same time.

It was what it was, and it was never enough. It still isn't, and probably never will be. I just have to accept that and move on. No matter how hard it is to do.

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