Thursday, June 22, 2006

Good Enough? It is what it is

What exactly is good enough for me? I asked my sister that just last night. It's something I have always struggled with, and she seems to always have the answers, so I asked. What is her idea of good enough for me? Her answer? Absolutely nothing less than everything you have ever wanted or dreamed of.

Great. That's not an aswer, because I have never wanted or dreamed of anything. There is a new person in my life. Period. He's been around for a week now, and it's been a great week, a fun week. That's all it is. I wasn't looking for this, I wasn't looking for anything. I almost turned him down, when he asked for my phone number, except something inside said WTH, why not. I don't regret it.

The downside of this is nothing from him. It's facing my sister knowing she's going to think "Here we go again." It's almost like I'm supposed to be alone because everyone I've ever decided to be with is wrong for me, and this one is no different. I almost turned him down, because I didn't want to go to my sister again and say "Hey I'm seeing BK and right now it's pretty cool, it's a lot of fun." only to have her tell me, yet again, 'You're wasting your time. You deserve so much better than this.' It's having to hear her say "You know, some people never get it. Some people never learn. They just continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. Wrong is wrong, no matter what it looks like."

I sat there with BK last night, and I told him, this past week has been really nice, really easy, really comfortable. He's been around every night this week, after work, he picks up his kids and they all come over for the evening, and they all go home every night. It's almost been too easy, too comfortable. I never thought I could have this with him. I never really thought I could have this at all.

It is what it is. Period. It has been just a week. It has been a wonderful week. It's been fun, it's been easy, it's been comfortable. His kids kiss and hug me hello and goodbye every day. They tell me they love me. My girls hugged BK goodbye Tuesday night. And for the few of you who know my girls, you will know that is HUGE. Especially from Newt. I didn't aske them to, they hugged him on their own, and that spoke volumes to me.

I guess I need to see what I have, versus what I want. I have a great guy, who shares an unplesant history with me. Our history together was not unpleasant. Both of our histories were unpleasant and at some point in the past the histories overlapped. He's a great single dad to his 2 kids (who are incredibly close in age to mine). He hasn't said "Don't fall in love with me", nor has he put any limitations or expectations on the future. He talks to me about everything, and is completely honest about everything. It's important to him that his family accept me and my kids. He's great with the girls, understanding that they need time to accept him, and his kids, and he's giving them time and space. He understand they have a father, and he will never replace him.

The 'ghosts' from our past I know, were only in my head, and I had to decide if I was going to let them haunt me or not. They are in our past, and should have no bearing on our furture. I had to find a way to let them go. They were my issues, and I need to find a way to move past them. I don't question what we have found right now. My problem with this is the past and I know I have to let it go. The ghosts don't haunt me nearly as much, if at all, as they did a week ago.

Just relax, enjoy this for what it is. Maybe a summer fling, maybe a great friendship, maybe more, maybe less. I don't know, but I know this much, I'm not going to weigh and measure everything he says and does, looking for something deeper, more meaningful behind it. Just Nestea plunge it.

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