Friday, June 2, 2006

I know what I have to do now

I never knew he could be such an insensitive uncaring callous asshole. I keep looking back at our time together trying to find clues that this person that he’s become existed then and I can’t. I can’t find where I missed any clues that this was coming. He’s totally blindsided me.

He thinks that he can just pick up where he left off, because to him this is just a casual sex kind of thing. Only this time around he doesn’t have to be concerned about manners or respect. Although respect is actually kind of funny, because I’m sure there was none before, why would I expect there to be any now?

Is it me, or is it just wrong and kind of weird to set your ex up with one of your friends? And I guess ‘ex’ is stretching it a bit, because that would imply that we actually had a relationship, and I’m finding out, we probably didn’t. But telling JM that “we’re no longer together, you should ask her out” is the like saying, “Hey I f@*ked her, but I’m done, you should have a go at it.” He certainly didn’t ask me if I was interested in JM (I am OMI God most certainly not) but thought it was ok to give JM the green light? That’s just wrong. Exactly what thought process do you have to go through to get to the point that that is ok, even a little? Because I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it.

A few weeks ago, I got tickets to see a comedy show at one of the local night clubs in our area. At the time, we were still getting along really well, doing great being friends, and so I invited him to go. There was to be a bunch of us going, so it wouldn’t be a date, it would be a group thing. He said “we’ll see”, but earlier this week he was talking like he was going for sure. But with him, you never know, so I thought I’d better check with him before leaving work.

Me: are you going tonight?
Boo: I'm not sure I’ll call you
Me: whatever
Boo: again with the whatever
Boo: ok whatever
Me: what do you want me to say?
Me: we have to be there by 7:15
Boo: you invited me a while back and I told you that I will see...I said you guys go and I will catch up if I end up in Columbia...
Boo: no I’m not going that early
Me: then you're not going
Boo: if I go to Columbia I’m going around 10 or 11
Me: then you'll miss the whole show and party
Boo: I’m going to meet Joe around 9:30 at his house
Boo: I’m not going to the show
Me: then you're not going with us.
Me: so I won't see you tonight (to give you your stuff)
Boo: if I go I’ll just go to the club
Boo: I might not see you tonight no..
Me: no, you won't see me tonight
Boo: I don't know
Me: I do, you won’t
Boo: ok then you know more than me

He couldn’t understand that I was telling him, I would not be available to see him tonight if he wasn’t at the comedy show with us. He made it clear he wasn’t going to the comedy show, so it was clear to me he wouldn’t see me. It just really pisses me off that he thinks he can just pick up where he left off. Nothing has changed for him, and everything has changed for me. Earlier today he said he’d get his stuff from me tonight or tomorrow sometime. He just assumed he’d see me tonight or tomorrow.

Tonight after work, a bunch of people from work got together at the Winery for a going away celebration for a co-worker who was leaving us. I was invited, by a good friend DG. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go, but since he invited me, and offered to buy the first drink, I thought why not? It will be good to be seen at an after hours function by some of the higher ups. One quick drink, no problem, a little smoozing, and then I’ll leave. Put in some good face time.

Then I found out He was going to be there. Well, then, I really didn’t want to go then. The last thing I wanted to do was see him smoozing with everyone and I have to pretend to ignore him. and it seems when I’m around he smoozes even more, making a big deal out of announcing his plans, well within ear shot of me, so that I know he’s so over me. Great, like I want to deal with that. But… DG did invite me, and I’m not going to let Him chase me away or prevent me from doing a bit of smoozing of my own. I have to let him know he doesn’t bother me (even though he does) and I’m not afraid to go where I know he’ll be. I am not going to avoid him, at any cost. So, I went. I had one beer, talked to several people, and watched him smooze the people around him, in his lime green button down shirt, looking vaguely like Andy Garcia. Yes, it tugged at my heart, a lot, because I’ll admit he looked damn good, but I never let on. I walked right by him twice, never looking his direction, never stopping to say Hi.

There’s really no point in blaming him, it won’t get me anywhere, it won’t solve anything. I know what I have to do. I know what needs to be done. It’s time to be completely done with him. It’s time to say No more. No more chats on Sametime, no more phone calls, no more IM’s at night, no more.

I don’t know who this person is, because this is not the person I know. I don’t like this guy at all. I don’t know what happened, I don’t know what tripped what trigger to cause this, but I know I don’t have to stand for it. I know that I don’t have to allow it. I know that It’s time to say Goodbye. Breaks over, everything is over. We can’t be friends, not like this. It’s time to let go, let it all go. Don’t look back, just let it go, and walk away.

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