Freedom...What a wonderful thing

I did some things this past week that might not seem like a big deal to most people, but to me they are kind of big, and really freeing and completely liberating.

Without going into a lot of details, I’ve had some problems hanging around for a while now. In fact it was like a huge albatross hanging around my neck. It was something I was not very proud of. People wouldn’t know anything about it unless I told them, so I didn’t tell them, but I knew. I’m even embarrassed to admit this, but the truth is, out of embarrassment and fear of what others would think, I just didn’t take the time or the steps to deal with this problem. Finally it all came to a head, and I was forced to deal with this. The only way to the end of this was through it. One step at a time, and just set aside all my doubts, my fears, my reluctance and just do what needs to be done. I put my head down and barreled through. And it turns out it wasn’t as bad as I had always feared. It wasn’t embarrassing, it wasn’t difficult, and it wasn’t as expensive as I had feared. I got it all taken care of. I’m free of this burden now. And I’ve got some money I wasn’t counting on.

So, with that unexpected ‘found’ money, I went to Rent-a-Center to make a payment on my dryer only to be told that for an additional $48 I could pay the whole thing off and own it outright, free and clear. So, I plopped down that money and now I’m out from under that payment.

Friday night when BK got off work, he came by, picked up the last of his things, and said that “There were some things that you said Wednesday night that I just can’t deal with. I can’t accept them, and I can’t live with them. So, before we start to hate each other again, I’m out of here. I don’t want to hate you but I can’t do this your way.” What couldn’t he live with or accept? My continued friendship with Boo. I swear it’s just a friendship, and it’s really just a friendship via phone and email. But he couldn’t deal. He also couldn’t deal with the fact that I couldn’t/wouldn’t set my bad mood aside for a night for him. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just stop being in a pissy mood so that I could make him feel loved. If he couldn’t trust that I loved him even when I was in a bad mood, then his leaving is a good thing, because I don’t have time or the energy or the desire to constantly stroke his ego.

He actually said to me “I always want to be the center of your attention. I want your attention all the time.” He went so far as to say that it annoyed him that I spent time on the computer and ‘ignored’ him. Hello!? I wasn’t ignoring him. I sat right here on the computer and he could watch whatever I was doing, because for the most part I was on ILP or sending emails to M, or chatting with my sister. But even when he was here, everything had to be all about him, and I didn’t have the freedom to do my thing.

So, I’ve been taking my life back, claiming my freedom, freeing myself from unwanted, unnecessary burdens. I have taken care of the albatross around my neck, I’ve freed myself from at least one monthly bill, and I’ve taken back my life because I shouldn’t have to give up my freedom to be loved. And off those things have proven to me that I can do it. I can stand on my own two feet. I can take care of myself. I have worth, and I’ve found it. I don’t need a man to take care of me and my kids, I can do it alone, and I seem to be able to do it alone better than I could with someone. My life is my life. I’ve traveled a long way to get to this point, but I’m here now, and it feels good. Really good. Freedom, what a wonderful thing.