I don't have a cutesy title for this post....

Christmas starts for us tonight. Dinner and gifts with my father and his wife. I know there will laughter and fun, and love and joy tonight. And I will feel like an outsider looking in, because I just can't get into the holiday spirit this year. I just can't get excited, I just can't celebrate. I will fake it, gloriously, but inside I will hurt and miss him. I will smile, and laugh and from the outside I will look happy. The tears will be falling like rain inside, and my heart won't be in it, it will be with him.

I can't let go. I can't get him out of my head, or my heart, not even now. He told me yesterday he wants me, he wants to see me, spend time with me, and knows I want to be with him. Things are just crazy for him right now. He's working 11 hour days by himself, and has been for 2 weeks or longer now. There is an hour drive to work, and an hour home. There are schedules to be juggled, kids to spend time with, family celebrations to attend, and shopping to do, gifts to be wrapped. There are a million demands being made on him, and there is precious little of him to go around.

I always knew we wouldn't have this Christmas together. Don't ask me how I knew, but I knew. When his father would tell me about Christmas Eve dinner, I knew in my heart, I wouldn't be there to share it with them this year. When my brother asked me in September if B would be with us at Christmas, I told him "Yes" because I wanted to believe he would be, but in my heart, I knew at that exact minute, I was lying. Don't ask me how I knew, and believe me I wanted to be wrong.

I know that we have a future together, just like I've known other things all along. We have both seen it, in our heads, in our hearts. We've talked about it, we both wanted it. I still see it, I see new visions of our future. They are enough to hope for.

Christmas miracles. They're special, right? They happen, don't they? Have I used up my quota of miracles? I hope not. I just want one more.

More Christmas Miracles

When I went to the lawyer's office the other day to draw up the final papers for our modification, I was hit with some serious filing fees that needed to be paid. I had the money to pay them, but I had to rob Santa to do it. A sizable portion of the $$ I had set aside to provide Christmas for my kids, well, went to the lawyer. So, I was struggling with how to pay for Ho Ho's visit this year. I mean after all you can't tell a 7 year old that you had to steal from Santa in order to take her father out of her life. That just really ruins the whole holiday.

So, I had been stressing about it, a little, but not too much. I figured, so far everything has worked out for me, this would too. Even if it meant I would get the money on Christmas Eve and I would do my shopping then, at least it would be done.

Today, we went to my mother's to make Christmas cookies (yes, pictures will follow....tomorrow) and my father called. He needed to talk to the kids about what they wanted for Christmas this year, as he and his wife were on their way to go shopping. But he stopped to ask me first, "So, we were wondering, is there something special you would like for Christmas this year, or would you just like for us to send you some money to help pay for the kids Christmas presents this year? And would you like that in a check or on a gift card?" All I could do was cry. There it was, the answer to my prayers, the solution to my problem.

And there, my friends, is yet another miracle for me this year. Apparently, the faith the size of a mustard seed is still enough to move mountains. I, of course, jumped on the gift card so that I could shop for my babies, and there will be presents under the tree this year for them.